I think that adult friendships is you
know when you’re a teenager everyone’s
talking about like bullying and
cyber-bullying I think that as adults
this adult friendship issue is the next
sort of frontier of talking about how do
we court friends how do we build a
friendship when it’s not romantic how do
we break up with a friendship when it’s
been too long and the biggest thing that
happens with friendships is they do go
stale and it’s a very weird thing to say
but there are people I’m sure you could
make up someone in your life where every
time their number pops up on a text
message you’re like oh it’s been a while
I better call them or you know you see
them out of convenience or out of
location I think those are the kind of
friendships that really drain you
there’s actually a study that was done
on ambivalent relationships this is so
interesting yeah I’m thinking about
ambivalence a lot so toxic people we get
it right we all understand that we want
to get rid of toxic people that’s more
obvious
the real danger I think is ambivalent
relationships so these ambivalent
relationships are the people where
either you don’t know how you stand with
them so you don’t know if they like you
or not and they’re also the people where
you don’t know if you really enjoy
hanging out with them or not have you
ever had that and you’re like is this
gonna be fun was that fun is this fun
and I mean those are the ones that take
the more energy there are also the more
dangerous ones because they tend to
creep in and stay in so the whole notion
of frenemies I find really really
intriguing and this is something
certainly that I have dealt with in my
life
and it was weird to me how until I read
that that it didn’t register why that
would be so insidious so what the study
what the science says they did a
research study with police officers and
they asked police officers to identify
the amount of toxic people in their
workplace and the amount of ambivalent
people and they found that the police
officers who had more ambivalent
relationships were sick more often had
less happiness at work and didn’t like
their job as much then police officers
who had toxic people just just thinking
about that for a second and the reason
for this is because if you have a toxic
person boundaries are easy they ask you
go out to lunch and you’re like no
thanks great like you know it’s a no
thanks where’s if an ambivalent person
asked you out to lunch or asked you or
their birthday party
or you asked you to work on something it
takes this mental energy where you have
this thing where you’re like oh like
will it be good what I rather eat alone
at my desk or what I rather have lunch
with this person and it wouldn’t it’s
not always easy that’s an incredible
drain on our emotional energy and if
you’re an introvert or an ambivert an
ambivert is someone who is kind of
splits between extraversion and
introversion your energy is finite and
our mental space is finite this is
something that I did not realize until
much more recently I thought that mental
space was sort of endless right you
could learn forever
you could think about things forever but
actually we only have a certain amount
of mental time every day and if we’re
dedicating that to trying to figure out
if someone likes us or not which is a
very important thing we all like to be
liked whether we admit it or not that I
think is a waste of mental energy why
would we want to spend it towards that
and that’s why I think I’m able and
people are more dangerous do you have a
checklist cuz I’m like thinking back to
the people that manage to become
frenemies in my own life it’s kind of
scary how long it took me to be able to
put that label on them to like sort of
wake up to the fact that either they
always were or the relationship had
evolved to that like years right years I
know so I don’t have a checklist it’s
actually just one simple question all
right sir are you ever doubting that
they’re really happy for you
Wow that cuts right to the heart of it I
mean that’s it and that that happens
actually quite often like there are
these people who make these very
passive-aggressive comments where you’re
like was that nice or was that mean if
you’re ever questioning that that means
they are not truly happy for you or if
you have a piece of really good news
they really true good friend will mirror
and match that excitement with you
someone who’s not as happy for you will
come in with dream killer questions you
know dream killers yeah dream killer
questions are when they question your
success they doubt the success to think
of all the negatives and dream killers
are not always bad I have dream killers
in my life and I call them when I need
someone to poke holes in a business idea
right like I’ll pitch them because
they’re great practice but I know that
they are not the people that I go to and
I have something I’m truly excited about
I think that that’s the only question
you have to ask yourself and it might be
an inconvenient truth but don’t answer
it off the cuff like don’t answer it
really quickly like try to think of all
the times in a
six months that you’ve seen them and
shared something did you feel like they
were as happy as you were about your
happiness yeah and this is this is one
of those things that has made a big
impact in my life because you can very
slowly especially in business find
yourself in a situation where you don’t
know who to trust and I find and maybe
it’s the psychic energy like you were
talking about emotional energy for me it
it became a question of emotional safety
hmm
where when I know you’re my enemy I
don’t feel emotionally vulnerable oddly
enough even though I know you may
actively be out to get me like I can
handle that yeah yeah it’s when I’m like
giving you my neck if you will enough
and every now and then you actually take
a swipe at it and sometimes like ah yeah
that’s when you lose sleep yeah like yes
literally I’m you and you sit in bed and
you rerun all the things they’ve said or
you said you will worry about all the
things that could potentially happen if
you are with someone and they are either
they do not mean well for you or they
are planning on taking a swipe at your
neck you somehow smell that threat and
even though consciously your brain is
going you didn’t say anything that in
doing anything their body language is
okay it seems all okay the other part of
your brain the animal part of your brain
which is firing in fear response or
threat response is going know watch out
and that’s what keeps you up at night is
your conscious brain wrestling with the
unconscious part of your brain I think
that’s when we talk about being psychic
or having premonitions I think that
that’s actually what’s happening we’re
we’re smelling or picking up on things
that we don’t even realize
[Music]
we don’t realize that actually happiness
comes in these very very small moments
every day and actually that is those
that happens moments we have to savor so
that highly recommends for the next few
days sit down and make a chart of
everything that you do in your life down
to making a steaming hot cup of coffee
down to going for a run down to doing
laundry and then I want you to rank each
of those things on how happy they make
you and I don’t mean like happiness like
euphoric I mean like happiness like
content with your life like I am content
doing this I know this sounds crazy but
even like laundry or cooking something
we often think of as a chore can provide
a certain amount of contentedness if you
look at that look at it that way so we
to rate all of those skills and then I
want you to count up the number of hours
you spend on each of those skills every
day what you’ll end up finding is you
end up doing what I call happy math
happy math is basically looking at the
fact that we end up spending the
majority of our week you know 90% of our
week doing tasks that rank as a 1 or 2
or 3 not very happy on the happy scale
and we end up having these really small
once-a-week moments where we’re actually
happy but really there are these small
little moments it’s it’s having that
amazing cup of coffee or taking in your
view from your window or whatever these
little small things those minutes add up
and I think it’s about slowly hacking
how can you add in more and more of
those minutes here’s another kind of tip
on happiness stuff that I just realized
would be a really easy one to try so
other eye contact all these little
moments of happiness there’s also these
little moments of unhappiness but as
humans we cannot help but infect our
entire life so you know how when you’re
sitting at a red light and you literally
question your entire existence than
anyone whatever happen any sugar yeah so
you know you’re sitting in a red light
and you’re like why do I sit in traffic
why do I Drive to work why do I do what
I work why am I doing this maybe I
should quit my job maybe I should move
to Hawaii maybe I shouldn’t have a car
like that’s like what happens you know
so one of the hacks that I have found
works really well is taking those small
moments and turning them into what I
call gratitude totems so a totem is like
a symbol or summon drum
do of something so I have a red light by
my house that I get stopped at every
single day it doesn’t even matter what
time of day and I used to yell at this
red light
I would curse at it and then I realized
wait a minute like this light causes me
so much unhappiness I have such a hard
time being grateful like every open
magazine every year says be more
grateful who has time to be grateful
right like no one has time to do that
but now I have time so whenever I am
stopped at that red light for the entire
red light I think about every single
thing I’m grateful for and now I get
upset if I do not hit it because I know
that every time pull up to that red
light I have a minute and a half just
think about all the things I’m grateful
for check I got my gratitude off I feel
nice and good I flipped a very unhappy
moment for me that makes me question
driving and cars and my life and turn it
into something that actually makes me
very appreciative Vanessa thank you so
much thank you Oh guys let me tell you
this is somebody that you were going to
want to dive deeply into like I said
earlier when I started the book I was
doing it to make sure that I understood
the content so that I could come on and
do a great interview and it so carried
me away I literally want to say
captivate there but that’s it is
literally captivating a book about
becoming captivating will arrest you it
will stop you because every bit of it
and I felt like the book was trying to
teach me a lot about other people but it
was teaching me so much about myself and
I am somebody that obsessively thinks
about self-awareness and where I’m at
what I understand about myself and my
natural impulses and what can be
overcome and what’s not worth fighting
and this book
broke everything down and made it all so easy to understand
know when you’re a teenager everyone’s
talking about like bullying and
cyber-bullying I think that as adults
this adult friendship issue is the next
sort of frontier of talking about how do
we court friends how do we build a
friendship when it’s not romantic how do
we break up with a friendship when it’s
been too long and the biggest thing that
happens with friendships is they do go
stale and it’s a very weird thing to say
but there are people I’m sure you could
make up someone in your life where every
time their number pops up on a text
message you’re like oh it’s been a while
I better call them or you know you see
them out of convenience or out of
location I think those are the kind of
friendships that really drain you
there’s actually a study that was done
on ambivalent relationships this is so
interesting yeah I’m thinking about
ambivalence a lot so toxic people we get
it right we all understand that we want
to get rid of toxic people that’s more
obvious
the real danger I think is ambivalent
relationships so these ambivalent
relationships are the people where
either you don’t know how you stand with
them so you don’t know if they like you
or not and they’re also the people where
you don’t know if you really enjoy
hanging out with them or not have you
ever had that and you’re like is this
gonna be fun was that fun is this fun
and I mean those are the ones that take
the more energy there are also the more
dangerous ones because they tend to
creep in and stay in so the whole notion
of frenemies I find really really
intriguing and this is something
certainly that I have dealt with in my
life
and it was weird to me how until I read
that that it didn’t register why that
would be so insidious so what the study
what the science says they did a
research study with police officers and
they asked police officers to identify
the amount of toxic people in their
workplace and the amount of ambivalent
people and they found that the police
officers who had more ambivalent
relationships were sick more often had
less happiness at work and didn’t like
their job as much then police officers
who had toxic people just just thinking
about that for a second and the reason
for this is because if you have a toxic
person boundaries are easy they ask you
go out to lunch and you’re like no
thanks great like you know it’s a no
thanks where’s if an ambivalent person
asked you out to lunch or asked you or
their birthday party
or you asked you to work on something it
takes this mental energy where you have
this thing where you’re like oh like
will it be good what I rather eat alone
at my desk or what I rather have lunch
with this person and it wouldn’t it’s
not always easy that’s an incredible
drain on our emotional energy and if
you’re an introvert or an ambivert an
ambivert is someone who is kind of
splits between extraversion and
introversion your energy is finite and
our mental space is finite this is
something that I did not realize until
much more recently I thought that mental
space was sort of endless right you
could learn forever
you could think about things forever but
actually we only have a certain amount
of mental time every day and if we’re
dedicating that to trying to figure out
if someone likes us or not which is a
very important thing we all like to be
liked whether we admit it or not that I
think is a waste of mental energy why
would we want to spend it towards that
and that’s why I think I’m able and
people are more dangerous do you have a
checklist cuz I’m like thinking back to
the people that manage to become
frenemies in my own life it’s kind of
scary how long it took me to be able to
put that label on them to like sort of
wake up to the fact that either they
always were or the relationship had
evolved to that like years right years I
know so I don’t have a checklist it’s
actually just one simple question all
right sir are you ever doubting that
they’re really happy for you
Wow that cuts right to the heart of it I
mean that’s it and that that happens
actually quite often like there are
these people who make these very
passive-aggressive comments where you’re
like was that nice or was that mean if
you’re ever questioning that that means
they are not truly happy for you or if
you have a piece of really good news
they really true good friend will mirror
and match that excitement with you
someone who’s not as happy for you will
come in with dream killer questions you
know dream killers yeah dream killer
questions are when they question your
success they doubt the success to think
of all the negatives and dream killers
are not always bad I have dream killers
in my life and I call them when I need
someone to poke holes in a business idea
right like I’ll pitch them because
they’re great practice but I know that
they are not the people that I go to and
I have something I’m truly excited about
I think that that’s the only question
you have to ask yourself and it might be
an inconvenient truth but don’t answer
it off the cuff like don’t answer it
really quickly like try to think of all
the times in a
six months that you’ve seen them and
shared something did you feel like they
were as happy as you were about your
happiness yeah and this is this is one
of those things that has made a big
impact in my life because you can very
slowly especially in business find
yourself in a situation where you don’t
know who to trust and I find and maybe
it’s the psychic energy like you were
talking about emotional energy for me it
it became a question of emotional safety
hmm
where when I know you’re my enemy I
don’t feel emotionally vulnerable oddly
enough even though I know you may
actively be out to get me like I can
handle that yeah yeah it’s when I’m like
giving you my neck if you will enough
and every now and then you actually take
a swipe at it and sometimes like ah yeah
that’s when you lose sleep yeah like yes
literally I’m you and you sit in bed and
you rerun all the things they’ve said or
you said you will worry about all the
things that could potentially happen if
you are with someone and they are either
they do not mean well for you or they
are planning on taking a swipe at your
neck you somehow smell that threat and
even though consciously your brain is
going you didn’t say anything that in
doing anything their body language is
okay it seems all okay the other part of
your brain the animal part of your brain
which is firing in fear response or
threat response is going know watch out
and that’s what keeps you up at night is
your conscious brain wrestling with the
unconscious part of your brain I think
that’s when we talk about being psychic
or having premonitions I think that
that’s actually what’s happening we’re
we’re smelling or picking up on things
that we don’t even realize
[Music]
we don’t realize that actually happiness
comes in these very very small moments
every day and actually that is those
that happens moments we have to savor so
that highly recommends for the next few
days sit down and make a chart of
everything that you do in your life down
to making a steaming hot cup of coffee
down to going for a run down to doing
laundry and then I want you to rank each
of those things on how happy they make
you and I don’t mean like happiness like
euphoric I mean like happiness like
content with your life like I am content
doing this I know this sounds crazy but
even like laundry or cooking something
we often think of as a chore can provide
a certain amount of contentedness if you
look at that look at it that way so we
to rate all of those skills and then I
want you to count up the number of hours
you spend on each of those skills every
day what you’ll end up finding is you
end up doing what I call happy math
happy math is basically looking at the
fact that we end up spending the
majority of our week you know 90% of our
week doing tasks that rank as a 1 or 2
or 3 not very happy on the happy scale
and we end up having these really small
once-a-week moments where we’re actually
happy but really there are these small
little moments it’s it’s having that
amazing cup of coffee or taking in your
view from your window or whatever these
little small things those minutes add up
and I think it’s about slowly hacking
how can you add in more and more of
those minutes here’s another kind of tip
on happiness stuff that I just realized
would be a really easy one to try so
other eye contact all these little
moments of happiness there’s also these
little moments of unhappiness but as
humans we cannot help but infect our
entire life so you know how when you’re
sitting at a red light and you literally
question your entire existence than
anyone whatever happen any sugar yeah so
you know you’re sitting in a red light
and you’re like why do I sit in traffic
why do I Drive to work why do I do what
I work why am I doing this maybe I
should quit my job maybe I should move
to Hawaii maybe I shouldn’t have a car
like that’s like what happens you know
so one of the hacks that I have found
works really well is taking those small
moments and turning them into what I
call gratitude totems so a totem is like
a symbol or summon drum
do of something so I have a red light by
my house that I get stopped at every
single day it doesn’t even matter what
time of day and I used to yell at this
red light
I would curse at it and then I realized
wait a minute like this light causes me
so much unhappiness I have such a hard
time being grateful like every open
magazine every year says be more
grateful who has time to be grateful
right like no one has time to do that
but now I have time so whenever I am
stopped at that red light for the entire
red light I think about every single
thing I’m grateful for and now I get
upset if I do not hit it because I know
that every time pull up to that red
light I have a minute and a half just
think about all the things I’m grateful
for check I got my gratitude off I feel
nice and good I flipped a very unhappy
moment for me that makes me question
driving and cars and my life and turn it
into something that actually makes me
very appreciative Vanessa thank you so
much thank you Oh guys let me tell you
this is somebody that you were going to
want to dive deeply into like I said
earlier when I started the book I was
doing it to make sure that I understood
the content so that I could come on and
do a great interview and it so carried
me away I literally want to say
captivate there but that’s it is
literally captivating a book about
becoming captivating will arrest you it
will stop you because every bit of it
and I felt like the book was trying to
teach me a lot about other people but it
was teaching me so much about myself and
I am somebody that obsessively thinks
about self-awareness and where I’m at
what I understand about myself and my
natural impulses and what can be
overcome and what’s not worth fighting
and this book
broke everything down and made it all so easy to understand
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