Angeles and I have gone to visit her
because her husband of the past 20 years
has just died after a five-year battle
with Lou Gehrig’s disease
and I’m sleeping upstairs in the bedroom
I grew up in it’s early in the morning
the phone rings and I’ve been in a as
you can imagine a very deep and
disturbed sleep and it phone rings and
it’s my stepmother and she says hi hi
Karen it’s Anne and I said and hi what’s
going on because she knows I’m there to
be with my mom she says well it’s your
father and I said well what’s what’s
going on with my father and she says I’m
at the hospital with him I said Anne
what’s what’s happened why are you at
the hospital with my father well he was
sitting at the dining room table at the
breakfast table and I heard a thump and
I came in and he was slumped over the
table and I said Anne is he what’s going
on is he okay
she says well I’m at the hospital and
I’m sitting by his bed and I’m holding
his hand now my stepmother is a very
warm and emotional person so the fact
that she’s telling me all this in a very
flat even tone is really starting to
concern and worry me and I said Anne is
is my father awake not exactly well is
he in a coma
not exactly is he is the asleep and
today do they have him on medications
not exactly and what pops into my mind
at this moment is an episode of Curb
Your Enthusiasm the show starring the
comedian Larry David and there’s this
episode on Curb Your Enthusiasm where
Larry David flies home from New York to
LA to see his father and he he goes to
see his dad and he’s starting to ask his
dad questions in this particular episode
about how his mom is feeling cuz his mom
hasn’t been well and the answer is that
Larry David’s father are giving are so
vague that it prompts Larry David to
finally look at his father and go dad
his mom dead – which the father goes
yeah kind of
and Larry David says well why didn’t you
tell me why didn’t you call me and tell
me and his father says you know we
didn’t want to bother you I didn’t want
to bother you and this is what is going
through my mind as my stepmother is
talking and I’m thinking is this life
imitating art and I say Ann let me ask
you a question is my father dead and she
says yes and at this point I don’t know
whether to laugh or cry because on one
hand I feel like I’m in this absurd
example of you know this absurd story in
a comedy on Curb Your Enthusiasm but on
the other hand my father who is someone
that I really really adored and loved is
dead I’m no longer my father’s daughter
and this plunges me into a really deep
depression and a really deep experience
of loss which I’m sure many people in
here have had whether it’s through a
parent dying or a friend dying or a life
circumstance I think everyone in this
room probably is familiar with that
feeling whereas one of my friends puts
it one day you have a life and then the
next day you don’t and I also was really
close to my father he had been an
incredible support to me over the
previous year where I’d had a lot of
life changes including I’d left a
marriage and gotten a divorce I’d moved
from California to New York I’d been
through a lot of serious life changes
and my dad had really been a huge
support for me my father was a great
source of wisdom except for um when I
was in college I was a musical theater
major and my father took me to lunch one
day and he said you know honey I want to
talk to you he said I don’t really think
musical theater is a good major for you
I said well dad why not he goes well
first of all it’s hard to be an actor
but it’s really hard to be a singing and
dancing actor it’s hard to make your
living like that he said I think what
you should do is switch your major and
study astronomy and I go you mean where
I talk about the difference between a
Libra and a Capricorn he goes no not
astrology astronomy is it dad the fact
that I even asked you that question
should tell you that is not a good
choice for me
but I don’t have know anything about I
have no interest in it I don’t think I
have any aptitude for it and of course I
didn’t listen to my father but I really
missed him because that’s who my father
was for me in my life and what happened
was because of all these life
circumstances I really found myself in
this place where I was not only
depressed for the first time in my life
really depressed but I was also had a
sense of it’s like I was drowning I had
a sense of deep vulnerability that I
hadn’t had before that’s the bad news
the good news is that that experience
really led me to understand and realize
that I was living in something that I
now call the contribution gap and the
contribution gap was this idea is this
idea that there’s this disparity
sometimes between who we really are what
I call it in my work is our personal
brand who we really are and the most
authentic contribution that we have to
make in the world and this experience of
my father dying plus these other things
that had happened over the past year
really thrust me very deeply into this
gap and one of the things that I
discovered was that I was living in a
script not of my own making I was living
in this script of expectations since
college in fact you go to school you
pick a major you get married you start a
career you buy a house etc and what I
realized was that at this time in my
life the script was failing me there was
this huge gap between the contribution I
wanted to make and who I wanted to be
and where I found myself in my life and
so I went on a two-year research project
and I talked to hundreds and hundreds of
people and I read lots of material and I
did lots of research with my clients to
find out how is it that we bridge that
gap how is it that we find out where to
get to at the heart of our real truest
contribution is and that’s what I want
to share with you today is what I’ve
learned about how we bridge that gap and
I found that there were two things two
myths that are pervasive and persistent
in our society that in part have a lot
to do with that contribution gap and the
first myth is the myth of what I call
the iambs
so if you go to a party
or if you go to a conference of people
of course say what do you do then it’s
often the answers to that is where our I
am czar you can think about what these
are for yourself and they’re not just
limited by the way to professional
things so often when you say to people
what are your IMS they will say things
like well I’m a doctor or I’m a lawyer
or I’m a student or I’m a mother or I’m
a wife or I’m a professor or I am a
lover of all things dark chocolate that
one would be me the other myth that I
found is the myth of knowledge and
results thinking that the knowledge we
have and the results that we produce
with that knowledge are in fact our
contribution it’s what the playwright
Gretchen Cryer calls the worlds we know
that our knowledge is composed of many
of these worlds that we know so again I
asked some of my clients and friends
well what are the worlds you know not
just in business but the the worlds in
general and some of the answers I got
were I know the world of journalism I
know the world of being married I know
the world of being divorced I know the
world of Paris I know the world of India
I know the world of surfing I know the
world of photography and for a not an
insubstantial number of people the
answer was I know the world of watching
season six of Game of Thrones twice and
I was one of those people by the way but
don’t judge me for that so these two
myths really are pervasive and they tend
to impact and influence this
contribution gap we have so what’s the
solution well one of the things that I
found in the work that I’ve done with
CEOs and executives and students and
housewives really with almost everyone
is that one of the ways to bridge that
gap that contribution gap and one of the
ways to fight those myths is really to
understand what’s the weather that you
bring with you and here’s what I mean by
that I mean what is that unique feeling
and contribution and energy and passion
that you have that you can often look
back to when you were a kid and see that
you have it even as a kid what is that
and where do you bring it almost any
circumstance
so a few months ago I’m walking in
downtown Manhattan and I went with a
friend and we run across this woman and
she is directing traffic but she isn’t
just doing her job
she is living her job I mean she is she
is doing directing traffic like she is
in a ballet at Lincoln Center she’s like
okay you come on over here ladies cross
the street come on sir you can do it go
this way and literally we’re all
standing on the street going like this
because you know what it’s like and with
all of our traffic cops do a very fine
job but you know what it’s like many
times you see a cop directing traffic
specially in New York and it’s almost
like their attitude is this would be a
great job if it wasn’t for all those
people driving a car you know they’re a
little bit like come on sir don’t you
know how this is supposed to work this
woman was so the polar opposite now was
it her knowledge that made the
difference I’m sure she was very
proficient in traffic laws I have no
doubt about that but you know wasn’t her
knowledge no was it her you know skill
and ability to get people to move in the
direction she needed them to move in no
she was very proficient about that but
it wasn’t that what it really was is it
was the weather she was bringing with
her it was who she was being that was
having everyone stop and go Wow and
people were honking and waving and it
was this great example for me of that
whether you bring with you and actually
in the research that I did I found that
there’s really 12 particular brand
archetypes that we fall into in terms of
the weather we bring with us and usually
the heart or the root or the seat of our
contribution is lodged in one or two of
those main archetypes brand archetypes
now I know I was talking to a roomful of
overachievers so I’m certain there’s a
lot of you going well I don’t want to be
just limited to one or two I think I
should be able to have at least 10 or 11
of the 12
and while we all have access to all of
them the truth is is that in general
there’s one or two that are usually at
the heart at the center at the root of
our contribution and knowing those is
important and it’s important because one
it allows us to ask for help when we
need to have someone else work with us
or be a partner with us in one of the
areas that were not that strong and two
it allows us to balance out as we move
through life the people that we have as
friends the people that we have in our
teams the people that we interact with
the people that we work with so I want
to give you a sense very quickly of the
twelve and the first one is the fixer
you know this is the person you can
count on they heal they restore they men
this is the person that you send in to
get things figured out and fixed out
when you need to have it done and as I’m
going through these really think about
where you fit in but you’ll also
probably start to think about people who
you know and they’ll start to pop into
your head the next is the facilitator
you know these are the people that are
have this great gift for moderating and
mediating and being the go-between you
know they’re the person you call when
you need someone to sit down and get
everybody going in the same direction
when there’s a lot of disparity going on
there’s the storytellers and these are
the people who are our narrators and our
actors and our minstrels and they can be
storytelling and dance or in song or in
writing or orally but they’re the people
that really are the ones that bring
forth this kind of storytelling there
are the synthesizers these are the
people who integrate and blend and
produce they take all these different
elements and they manage to put them in
together in a way where something
absolutely new appears and occurs that
no one could have seen happening from
all of those different avenues there are
the mentors and these are the people
that we look up to that we feel have our
back these are the people that we are we
know we can count on in terms of
advising us and teaching us and guiding
us there are the connectors you know we
all know those people that are just
super networkers right they’ll say hey
you should talk to such-and-such because
I think the two of you should know each
other because he’s doing this and you’re
doing that and that’s what they’ll just
do all day long their whole world
is about making those connections and
those coordination Zand that networking
then there are the visionaries and these
are the people that have the ability to
see the concepts they’re the idealists
and the dreamers you know these are the
people you want on your team when you’re
looking for those big out-of-the-box
pictures that are beyond expectations
that are beyond the easy answer and then
there are the motivators these are the
people that are the cheerleaders the
influencer the persuaders they light a
fire under us I think my lady directing
traffic there my New York cop directing
traffic to me that’s what she was at her
fundamental core what she was bringing
to that situation was this quality this
energy this brand of cheerleading of
influencing that was what made what she
was doing so beyond just the normal way
that people do that job then there’s the
makers and these are the people that are
the artisans and the creators and the
inventors and the advocates we all know
some of these these are the people that
are the activists and the campaigners
and the champions so these are the
people that you invite them to dinner
and it doesn’t matter that it’s a dinner
party they will be champion and
advocating for whatever it is that they
believe in there are the implementers
and these people are the achievers the
administrators the executors these are
the people that is people other people
say about them they give them that job
they know how to get something done
that’s who the implementers are and then
there are the interpreters and these are
the people that translate and transform
and change they take different elements
and they transform and they change them
into something completely new and it’s
not that those 12 brand archetypes are
the only way we can contribute but in my
research what I found is that really at
the heart of people’s contribution is
this is this sense of something that’s
been with them since their children that
they can look back and go yes that’s me
that’s what I bring to the party that’s
the weather I bring with me and I think
we need to have a new conversation in
our schools in our workplaces in our
families about what it means to live our
life and have our personal brands have
the our contributions be at the heart of
those things
so how do you do that well the first
thing is to realize what gets in the way
of that and one of the big things that
gets in the way of that is FOMO the fear
of missing out Geno’s and so many of us
today we live a life where we’re so
connected with social media that it
always looks like someone is having a
better life than us doesn’t it right
there’s that person on Instagram that we
go wow their life just looks so good how
come mine doesn’t look like that right
or theirs that person who’s posting
pictures of their food on Pinterest and
we’re going how come my pictures of food
on Pinterest aren’t getting as many hits
as the bacon-wrapped grilled cheese
sandwich that’s not fair you know we’re
sitting there on our mobile devices
going you know we’re sitting there
working on our mobile devices looking at
all the social media and saying WOW
instead of being in my pajamas right now
I should be at the Adele concert like
all these other people or how come the
Kardashians never retweet me or I want
to be the mother of dragons you know
it’s whatever that’s a game of Thrones
joke for those of you that don’t know
Game of Thrones so
it’s this thing that’s been happening
and this sounds kind of innocuous but I
will tell you that part of what I found
in the research is this is having an
incredibly damaging and dampening effect
on our sense of contribution as
individuals because we’re so used to
comparing our contribution to everyone
else that we think it has to be some big
gigantic major thing and what it’s
creating for a lot of people is a sense
of emptiness a sense of that what they
have to bring to something isn’t as
important doesn’t matter as much when in
fact it does and the problem with this
is that it has us avoid making mistakes
and taking risks and what my research
showed was that the people that make the
greatest contribution regardless of
their job regardless of their knowledge
regardless of what they do regardless of
what their role is is that the people
that make the greatest contribution are
willing to take risks and they are
willing to make mistakes and then learn
from those mistakes and so this FOMO
this fear of missing out in part is what
keeps us from doing that and I will be
really honest and tell you that for
myself one of the things that happened
in this transfer
Meishan that i went through out of my
father dying and getting divorced and
some other things that happened in that
year was that I realized how much I was
living in that fear of missing out I was
living in that expectation of the script
and I started to practice what a friend
my friend Lynette calls Jomo or the joy
of missing out right I started to
practice this it I was so intent on
doing this that it almost became and
still is like a spiritual practice for
me it’s really this idea of saying no to
the things that I think I should do
because they’re expected of me or saying
no or just because they’re expected of
me or saying no to things because I want
to be look as good as other people you
know how we all want to look good like
other people we don’t want to look worse
than other people we all want to be seen
as less than that’s true for everyone
and instead I started to practice what
are the things that give me the greatest
joy what are the things that I feel are
in line with my truest contribution and
I’ll be honest with you about five times
a day I fail at this but there’s another
20 times a day I’m successful at it and
so it isn’t about being perfect but it
is about practicing this joy of missing
out so I have a contribution challenge
for you and here is my contribution
challenge for the next period of time
today tomorrow think back on your life
and ask yourself what is the weather
that I bring with me and if you don’t
know ask one of your parents or friends
or somebody who’s close to you because I
promise you they will know what is the
weather that you bring with you and then
for a period of one week just one week
practice the joy of missing out avoid
the fear of missing out and practice the
joy of missing out because a lot of what
contributes to the contribution gap is
that we’re going for the things that are
in the fear of missing out and rather
than going for the things that are in
the joy of missing out rather than going
for those things that are part of our
greatest contribution so for a week just
try practicing this joy of missing out
you know what are the say yes to the
people the places the things that you
find really not only make your heart
sing but give you that sense of where
you know you have your greatest
contribution to make because who knows
you will be able to probably bridge
gap for yourself at least to a small
degree and the more you practice this to
a larger degree you will find that you
will bridge that contribution gap and
you know you may even end up one day
even if you end up directing traffic on
a busy street channeling your inner
ballet dancer you never know but it’s
really not about what you’re doing it’s
about doing it with that sense of the
weather that you bring with you so in
closing I’d like to to give you a
summation of the things that I’ve
learned over the last two years of doing
this research and I’d also like to tell
you what I’ve learned in the history
because this really parallels in the
history of the research I’ve done over
25 years as a branding strategist I’ve
even even have written a book about this
and there’s three things that I’d like
to leave you with and the first is it’s
not what you know it’s knowing what’s
important if you remember that that is
one of the things that can powerfully
help close that gap and the second thing
is it’s not the script that you follow
it’s the script that you write and the
third one is it’s not the weather that
you find it’s the weather that you bring
with you thank you very much
you [Music]