[Music]
so if you had told me five years ago
that I would be standing here talking
about being a drag queen I would have
not believed you but like many stories
mine starts with a chance meeting in my
case it was meeting Patti and Patti was
a drag queen and she introduced me to
the idea and the art of drag a diva drag
which is the art of jog performed by
women and then promptly spent the next
four years trying to convince me to be a
drag queen so in the spring of 2017 I
finally got the chance before I go into
that story I want to try and explain
what drag is it is hard to explain and
if there’s any drag performers out there
listening I apologize in advance for
missing something jack is art it’s
performance it’s over-the-top makeup
it’s big gestures and small details and
wigs and costumes and sometimes dancing
and it’s not all RuPaul’s Drag Race and
every Queen is so different so back to
the pecked my first performance was for
a benefit show and I don’t remember what
my makeup looked like I don’t remember
what my hair looked like I do remember
that it was this incredible rush to
create this character that wasn’t me and
to go out on stage in so much makeup and
in so many sequins that my partner
didn’t recognize me
and I clumsily danced around the dance
floor and my little two-inch kitten
heels cuz that’s all I can do and I
think to a slightly an off-color song
and it was amazing it was the most
amazing experience of my life but I knew
that that first show was gonna be my
last because I had a secret I was gonna
kill myself I had a plan and I had a
timeline and I knew how and when
and where and the why doesn’t matter to
the story what matters is that my family
figured out I needed help and I spent a
week in an inpatient psychiatric
hospital and I came out the other side
with a timid smile on my face and a
brain that was starting to heal these
raw emotions and the correct diagnosis
of bipolar 2
anyway that’s me as candy to this first
time bipolar – really hard to explain
I’m gonna use really simple explanations
both halves of my brain ER in the car
ones just fine if we drive right off the
cliff and that’s why for all the years I
was depressed nothing helped the
medication didn’t help I never knew what
it was like to not be anxious every
minute of every day so after that
appointment I had my first appointment
with a therapist and I had no idea how
is it explained to this guy how wrong I
felt it felt like there had been a scab
on my brain and that scab let me be
fearless and confident and go get stuff
done and happy and let me function and
now it was gone and I had no idea how to
explain to him how lost I felt
apparently therapists are trained to
help you with that
I don’t again i don’t remember much of
what we talked about but i remember at
one point he’s scribbling notes and he
looks at me and says what do you look
forward to what makes you happy
politics I said no yeah what makes you
get up in the morning and look forward
to stuff and you can’t see your kids and
family it’s totally gonna say my kids
and family so I sat there for what felt
like forever and I thought and I thought
and I remembered being so empowered
being candy cakes for the first time and
so I blurted out I want to do another
dog show and it kind of looks up and
pops his head to one side and goes tell
me more about that so I did so I told
him how incredible it was and how I
turned myself into a different person
and I could go out and just dance for
people I didn’t know and he said do that
more
so right after that I had been ignoring
some physical symptoms on account of the
being suicidal and not wanting to deal
with anything so I went to my medical
doctor and I walked away from those
appointments with a diagnosis of
advanced rheumatoid arthritis and
interstitial lung disease as I promised
super simple definitions everything
hurts
I’m tired interstitial lung disease
don’t google it sorry about your lungs
so so in the space of about a month I’ve
been handed these three really
significantly huge invisible illnesses
that eventually let me made me quit my
job but still I thought about job and
there were times that summer I was so
tired and I hurt so much that all I
could do was just curl up in my recliner
and so I did what any drag queen of the
digital age does I started watching
YouTube videos and I learned how to
contour and I’d learn how to put on fake
eyelashes and I would watch different
shows and my tiny dog kept me company
she’s gonna be a drag queen to you
someday I wasn’t doing shows but I had
something to look forward to and so
doing makeup became part of my weekly
routine I do makeup and then a shower
seemed logical and then I’m dressed for
the first time in a week it was amazing
so in September of 2016 I got my chance
to do my first real show and again I
don’t remember what I wore don’t
remember my makeup what I do remember is
that the crowd didn’t care that I was
fat they didn’t care that I was wearing
flats
they didn’t care that I couldn’t dance
they cared that I was there to make a
connection with them and to entertain
them and the more I did shows the more I
realized I could do it
and that was such a huge thing a friend
of mine much told me to follow your
bliss find something that gives you
bliss and follow it and turns out drag
was part of my bliss
so with the encouragement of my now drag
mom lady cakes Monroe I tried out for a
local nightclubs next top diva contest
knowing that I would not get in but I
got in and I was one of 14 contestants
and every month we had a new challenge
so I had something else to look forward
to had costumes to make I had songs to
rehearse and it was incredible I learned
how to do aged makeup first I dressed up
like Donald Trump because reasons I
learned how to do age makeup I wore a
dress made mostly of candy wrappers I
dyed my wedding dress pink and helped my
drag mom compete for a national title I
wore a nude cat suit that left nothing
to the imagination while four of my best
friends poured 10 gallons at Carrow
scarab over me I was getting out of the
house and out of my comfort zone and
that part is so important mental illness
lies to us and says that the world is
too big and scary and that were not
enough and it’s somehow selfish to have
fun and we should just stay home
Jagr gave me an excuse to go have fun
and quieted the lies that bipolar – you
told me that I wasn’t good enough and I
wasn’t smart enough and I wasn’t strong
enough and I went out there and I did it
and I left it on the stage so here’s
what drag has taught me I’ve been
overweight my entire life I love my
curves but drag queens do not care if
you are fat there has never been a you
look fat in that I have worn dresses
that show my stomach and skirt shorter
than I ever thought I’d wear they don’t
mind that I can’t dance I will never
ever be able to twerk no matter how many
lessons I get backstage and that’s fine
jag has encouraged me to be more
colorful than I already am and I have
embraced the drag motto that you can
never have too many rhinestones
drag has reminded me that performance is
something that I missed
and that you can never have too much
glue or safety pins drag has showed me
that despite my illnesses I am capable
and stronger than I ever thought I was
its transformative and magic and I am
made of grit and determination and I am
stronger than the world tells me I am
drag has also told me that sometimes you
could adapt drag makeup for everyday
looks you want to wear glittery
eyeshadow to a Christmas party I’ll show
you how fake eyelashes are the most
incredible thing until you step out into
a windstorm in Ohio and then it feels
like you’re going to fly away but you
know what if you’re having a bad day
slap them on go to the grocery store
feel better so I often wonder you know
how people think of me what do they see
when they look at me I’m a mom I’m an
activist I’m an overrate woman with
bipolar disorder and invisible illnesses
and drag has shown me that all these
facets have been inside myself for so
long and becoming kandi Cates has given
me permission to be this happy person
that could go out and talk to people and
perform so far out of my comfort zone
drag has become my bliss and my story
could have ended in spring of 2012
or could have ended when I didn’t want
to wear the tight dress or I had to take
the heels off because my feet hurt or
when I decided that I couldn’t dance and
so I wasn’t going to do a show or it
could have ended the first time I was so
tired that I had to cancel a show but
every time I was brave enough to say yes
the role got a little brighter to say
yes surprise yourself
drag is obviously not a cure-all for
everyone mental illness but it’s the
thing that brought me out of a very very
dark place it’s also not a cure-all with
everyone with RA because it heals but it
is something that helped me and
encouraged me to get stronger you all
might have not a found your bliss yet
it could be raising goats or painting
midget miniature figurines or rhythm
gymnastics or stamp collecting but
whatever it is it’s out there waiting
for you so don’t be afraid to go out and
find it
I hope my story helps you find your
bliss where there without the
rhinestones
[Music]
[Applause]
you
so if you had told me five years ago
that I would be standing here talking
about being a drag queen I would have
not believed you but like many stories
mine starts with a chance meeting in my
case it was meeting Patti and Patti was
a drag queen and she introduced me to
the idea and the art of drag a diva drag
which is the art of jog performed by
women and then promptly spent the next
four years trying to convince me to be a
drag queen so in the spring of 2017 I
finally got the chance before I go into
that story I want to try and explain
what drag is it is hard to explain and
if there’s any drag performers out there
listening I apologize in advance for
missing something jack is art it’s
performance it’s over-the-top makeup
it’s big gestures and small details and
wigs and costumes and sometimes dancing
and it’s not all RuPaul’s Drag Race and
every Queen is so different so back to
the pecked my first performance was for
a benefit show and I don’t remember what
my makeup looked like I don’t remember
what my hair looked like I do remember
that it was this incredible rush to
create this character that wasn’t me and
to go out on stage in so much makeup and
in so many sequins that my partner
didn’t recognize me
and I clumsily danced around the dance
floor and my little two-inch kitten
heels cuz that’s all I can do and I
think to a slightly an off-color song
and it was amazing it was the most
amazing experience of my life but I knew
that that first show was gonna be my
last because I had a secret I was gonna
kill myself I had a plan and I had a
timeline and I knew how and when
and where and the why doesn’t matter to
the story what matters is that my family
figured out I needed help and I spent a
week in an inpatient psychiatric
hospital and I came out the other side
with a timid smile on my face and a
brain that was starting to heal these
raw emotions and the correct diagnosis
of bipolar 2
anyway that’s me as candy to this first
time bipolar – really hard to explain
I’m gonna use really simple explanations
both halves of my brain ER in the car
ones just fine if we drive right off the
cliff and that’s why for all the years I
was depressed nothing helped the
medication didn’t help I never knew what
it was like to not be anxious every
minute of every day so after that
appointment I had my first appointment
with a therapist and I had no idea how
is it explained to this guy how wrong I
felt it felt like there had been a scab
on my brain and that scab let me be
fearless and confident and go get stuff
done and happy and let me function and
now it was gone and I had no idea how to
explain to him how lost I felt
apparently therapists are trained to
help you with that
I don’t again i don’t remember much of
what we talked about but i remember at
one point he’s scribbling notes and he
looks at me and says what do you look
forward to what makes you happy
politics I said no yeah what makes you
get up in the morning and look forward
to stuff and you can’t see your kids and
family it’s totally gonna say my kids
and family so I sat there for what felt
like forever and I thought and I thought
and I remembered being so empowered
being candy cakes for the first time and
so I blurted out I want to do another
dog show and it kind of looks up and
pops his head to one side and goes tell
me more about that so I did so I told
him how incredible it was and how I
turned myself into a different person
and I could go out and just dance for
people I didn’t know and he said do that
more
so right after that I had been ignoring
some physical symptoms on account of the
being suicidal and not wanting to deal
with anything so I went to my medical
doctor and I walked away from those
appointments with a diagnosis of
advanced rheumatoid arthritis and
interstitial lung disease as I promised
super simple definitions everything
hurts
I’m tired interstitial lung disease
don’t google it sorry about your lungs
so so in the space of about a month I’ve
been handed these three really
significantly huge invisible illnesses
that eventually let me made me quit my
job but still I thought about job and
there were times that summer I was so
tired and I hurt so much that all I
could do was just curl up in my recliner
and so I did what any drag queen of the
digital age does I started watching
YouTube videos and I learned how to
contour and I’d learn how to put on fake
eyelashes and I would watch different
shows and my tiny dog kept me company
she’s gonna be a drag queen to you
someday I wasn’t doing shows but I had
something to look forward to and so
doing makeup became part of my weekly
routine I do makeup and then a shower
seemed logical and then I’m dressed for
the first time in a week it was amazing
so in September of 2016 I got my chance
to do my first real show and again I
don’t remember what I wore don’t
remember my makeup what I do remember is
that the crowd didn’t care that I was
fat they didn’t care that I was wearing
flats
they didn’t care that I couldn’t dance
they cared that I was there to make a
connection with them and to entertain
them and the more I did shows the more I
realized I could do it
and that was such a huge thing a friend
of mine much told me to follow your
bliss find something that gives you
bliss and follow it and turns out drag
was part of my bliss
so with the encouragement of my now drag
mom lady cakes Monroe I tried out for a
local nightclubs next top diva contest
knowing that I would not get in but I
got in and I was one of 14 contestants
and every month we had a new challenge
so I had something else to look forward
to had costumes to make I had songs to
rehearse and it was incredible I learned
how to do aged makeup first I dressed up
like Donald Trump because reasons I
learned how to do age makeup I wore a
dress made mostly of candy wrappers I
dyed my wedding dress pink and helped my
drag mom compete for a national title I
wore a nude cat suit that left nothing
to the imagination while four of my best
friends poured 10 gallons at Carrow
scarab over me I was getting out of the
house and out of my comfort zone and
that part is so important mental illness
lies to us and says that the world is
too big and scary and that were not
enough and it’s somehow selfish to have
fun and we should just stay home
Jagr gave me an excuse to go have fun
and quieted the lies that bipolar – you
told me that I wasn’t good enough and I
wasn’t smart enough and I wasn’t strong
enough and I went out there and I did it
and I left it on the stage so here’s
what drag has taught me I’ve been
overweight my entire life I love my
curves but drag queens do not care if
you are fat there has never been a you
look fat in that I have worn dresses
that show my stomach and skirt shorter
than I ever thought I’d wear they don’t
mind that I can’t dance I will never
ever be able to twerk no matter how many
lessons I get backstage and that’s fine
jag has encouraged me to be more
colorful than I already am and I have
embraced the drag motto that you can
never have too many rhinestones
drag has reminded me that performance is
something that I missed
and that you can never have too much
glue or safety pins drag has showed me
that despite my illnesses I am capable
and stronger than I ever thought I was
its transformative and magic and I am
made of grit and determination and I am
stronger than the world tells me I am
drag has also told me that sometimes you
could adapt drag makeup for everyday
looks you want to wear glittery
eyeshadow to a Christmas party I’ll show
you how fake eyelashes are the most
incredible thing until you step out into
a windstorm in Ohio and then it feels
like you’re going to fly away but you
know what if you’re having a bad day
slap them on go to the grocery store
feel better so I often wonder you know
how people think of me what do they see
when they look at me I’m a mom I’m an
activist I’m an overrate woman with
bipolar disorder and invisible illnesses
and drag has shown me that all these
facets have been inside myself for so
long and becoming kandi Cates has given
me permission to be this happy person
that could go out and talk to people and
perform so far out of my comfort zone
drag has become my bliss and my story
could have ended in spring of 2012
or could have ended when I didn’t want
to wear the tight dress or I had to take
the heels off because my feet hurt or
when I decided that I couldn’t dance and
so I wasn’t going to do a show or it
could have ended the first time I was so
tired that I had to cancel a show but
every time I was brave enough to say yes
the role got a little brighter to say
yes surprise yourself
drag is obviously not a cure-all for
everyone mental illness but it’s the
thing that brought me out of a very very
dark place it’s also not a cure-all with
everyone with RA because it heals but it
is something that helped me and
encouraged me to get stronger you all
might have not a found your bliss yet
it could be raising goats or painting
midget miniature figurines or rhythm
gymnastics or stamp collecting but
whatever it is it’s out there waiting
for you so don’t be afraid to go out and
find it
I hope my story helps you find your
bliss where there without the
rhinestones
[Music]
[Applause]
you
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