[Music]
[Applause]
hello everybody my name is Ian and I’m
an addict but I’m so much more than that
today I’m a university student I’m an
employee and I’m a member of society
that makes a positive contribution it’s
not always been that way for me I’ve
known moments of desperation and I want
to talk to you today about what I call
the gift of desperation and I believe
that these lessons are valuable to all
of us and what happens when we don’t
feel connected to our humanity and loved
in my case it was drugs in your case it
may be compulsive eating cereal
relationships gambling ten years ago I
was in the police station for a
shoplifting charge I was sat at the
table with a duty solicitor she was warm
and kind towards me more so than I could
ever be towards myself at that point
before I had abandoned the human being
inside of me I was 21 years old I was
six-foot so eight stone in weight and
washed or change my clothes for weeks as
our street homeless and I had track
marks all at my arms from injecting
crack cocaine and heroin every day this
solicitor was kind and warm towards me
she showed me compassion in love and she
told me that she used to have a drink
problem she doesn’t drink anymore and
that provided me of a window of
opportunity to be honest about feeling
like I was going to be judged I remember
I sat back in the chair and I took a
deep breath and I just said I don’t want
to live like this anymore but I didn’t
know what to do and it’s really
important that the way I was living
wasn’t a choice it wasn’t self-inflicted
it wasn’t an ethical dilemma or a moral
deficiency because I didn’t know there
was another way to live and if there was
it wasn’t impossible for someone like me
the only thing that was holding me
together at that point in my life was
denial I now know that Dena was a
psychological coping strategy designed
to keep us emotionally stable in very
unstable times
every time I was released from prison if
you ask me you’re going to use drugs I
would have said no and if you lied me up
to put me up to a lie-detector test
I would have passed it because I was
telling the truth but I want you to know
that every time I left prison I couldn’t
stop because I didn’t know how to I
didn’t know that I suffered from an
obsession beyond my mental control which
drove and a compulsion to use drugs
against my will and every time I sold my
values I sold my hope
I sold my being I gave up on everything
that was important to me and the sadness
deep inside my soul had never left I did
not understand the diction I did not
understand that I was sick I did not
understand that had a problem and I had
the fear of abandonment I believe that I
was completely worthless I had a belief
that I was unworthy of receiving love
and I now know that our belief system is
the engine that drives our behavior my
ego and self-destructive behavior
patterns came from a sense of
worthlessness and I’d end up in a dark
place not knowing where to turn or how
to escape so why am I telling you this
because I want you to know how it feels
I believe that people who are suffering
from the what we’re called for this
argument disease of addiction deserved
to be met with compassion kindness
understanding not to be rejected from
society
starved of your social capital which is
survival which is essential for human
survival in modern-day society so I’m
proposing that we change narrative the
political undercurrent talks about the
war on drugs I get this you know drugs
you know they devastate communities and
families and it’s very intimidating and
we might feel like we’re under attack
gable Matt say he’s a doctor and a
writer an addiction a big inspiration of
mine he says that we can’t wage war on
an inanimate object so therefore we are
waging war on society’s most vulnerable
people so I proposed a question by
criminalizing addicts are we creating
barriers to recovery if a baby is put in
an incubator when it’s born with
human contact parts of the baby’s brain
won’t develop in more serious cases the
baby will die even if the baby is given
a nutritious diet in order to aid
physical development this is called the
biopsychosocial model so the biology of
the brain is impacted by psychological
and sociological factors
so if baby’s brains won’t develop we’re
little or no human contact when we put
them in an incubator what do we expect
to happen to adults when we incarcerate
them whose addiction is a symptom of
similar causes I think we must
understand people in different ways in
some respects I propose the society just
like myself is in desperation the
desperation is now that we must finally
consider an alternative route so I
propose that we reconsider society’s
response does the criminal justice
system work or does it create further
barriers to recovery could more be done
with people while they are in prison why
are there not more treatment programs
and facilities in prison drugs are not
addictive so if drugs are addictive than
anyone ever took a drug would be a drug
addict it’s a myth to think they are
drugs don’t cause addiction we have to
ask why people susceptible to addiction
so perhaps could we decriminalize drugs
could that work why are we scared of
that idea why don’t we have money to
send someone to treatment but we have a
hundred and nineteen thousand pounds to
put them in prison so the home office
states that 65 percent of drug charges
are due to possession the government
spends 10 billion pounds on the war on
drugs every year that’s a lot of money
for a war that I don’t think is entirely
real there are 85,000 human beings in
prison any given time 35 percent of that
prison population are addicted to drugs
each new prison place costs 119 thousand
pounds to get them into prison from what
happens to the Dominican a become in
conflict with the law to the point when
they get in prison from then on every
year it costs 40,000 pounds to keep an
individual in prison
one person being in prison for a year
cost one hundred and fifty nine thousand
pounds the cost of a rehab for six
months is ten thousand pounds by
thanking someone to treatment
you’re not only identifying who
committed the crime but you are
identifying the reasons why they
committed the crime when you treat that
you rapidly reduce the risk of
reoffending so this is make economic
sense I’m not a criminologist I’m not a
professor in addiction or economics I’m
just an addict we’ve got clean and found
another way to live and when I reflect I
just felt that so much more could be
done so I’m asking you if someone you
loved or cared about furthermore
yourself was in a similar situation how
would you want them to be treated if you
were in your moment in your darkest hour
in your moment of desperation would you
want to be demonized criminalized
marginalized rejected from society
starved of social capital removed from
everyone that loves you would you want
to be met compassion kindness love and
acceptance and give you some kind of
solution when I was at school I thought
all the other children got took to one
side and was told this is the secret for
living life but whatever you do don’t
tell him I was convinced there was this
book this lesson this memo or something
I observed all the other children the
school and Hsu knew what to do they knew
how to interact and talk and engage and
I was it a lost ultimately I felt lost
and alone I even asked one of my peers I
said if they told you singing told you
not to tell me
he looked something like ours bonkers I
get it now
but I had a predisposition within myself
and I projected that onto the
environment around me and that’s why I
felt like that and I look back at my
school experience and it was all about
telling me what to think where not how
to think and for an emotionally
preoccupied extremely sensitive child
like me I was never going to fit into
the status quo
and I’ve realized that the world does
not give us permission to truly feel
what we feel and have the human
experience that were all here to do
I couldn’t rock up to the breakfast
table as a child and say listen I feel
really unworthy of receiving love today
everybody you know when I’m smoking a
spliff from a POW on a park bench and
I’m getting into drugs listen mate I
feel really scared and insecure right
now I couldn’t say that stuff I had to
suppress it and I couldn’t suppress it
so I had to better self-medicate to
manage that see I’d like you to imagine
perhaps maybe a school system that
nurtured the human experience a bit more
I’d like you to imagine that on your
first day of school you were met with a
teaching team that said welcome we are a
teaching team that is dedicated to your
development we love and accept you just
the way you are and we can’t wait for
you to flourish into the beautiful human
beings you’re all destined to be so I’m
asking could more of a school system be
a support could school be an arena where
we take less of a focus on the academic
learning and more of a focus on the
human experience teaching kindness
giving relationship building feelings
thinking self value self esteem surely
this is the path that drives us closer
to our humanity and in supporting
children on the human experience they’re
embarking on I personally feel this
might help create a healthier society
and manage some of the symptoms like
addiction it takes wisdom to see
intention but are often judged in our
actions I was misunderstood for a long
time my focus and driver is that I want
people to experience what I experienced
I was met with love and acceptance
compassion and kindness the therapeutic
value one adds helping another runs a
parallel when I really believed that we
must build on this change is possible
and I recognize that some of the things
that I’m talking about involves change
and I know that change is scary but in
my experience it’s not as scary as doing
it and resistance to change is harder
than change we need to change the
attitudes in the minds of each
individual I want to talk to you about a
story quickly
today I choose to stay drug-free I’ve
been blessed with an opportunity I
couldn’t be held responsible for my
addiction because I didn’t know what I
was doing and I didn’t know how to stop
but as a human being I recognize I have
to be accountable and that’s why I went
to prison but I although I choose to
stay clean today it’s really important
that you know that choice has been hard
for me it’s probably the hardest choice
I’ve ever made and I only don’t use just
for today even after all this time and
after about three years of recovery I
relapsed I believe the lie that I wasn’t
worth it I didn’t deserve him I was
worthless and I was unworthy of
receiving love and I behaved in ways
that self-medicated that feeling until
eventually I used and I said I’m just
going to have one just to manage with
this feeling just one just because I
can’t bear this pain any longer
five days later I’m injecting heroin
down the train tracks and I’m in this
city called Bristol and I reached out to
one of my friends from the recovery
support groups and I called him and I
just said I’ve really messed up and I
don’t know what to do he says I’m gonna
come and get you so he picked me up and
he took me to a recovery Support Group
and halfway through the meeting I fell
off the chair because the heroin was
strong and I hadn’t used it for a long
time and he got up and walked across the
room and he picked me up off the chair
and he put his arms around me and he
rubbed my back and he said to me and you
don’t have to be frightened it’s gonna
be okay and we’re gonna get through this
together because I love you and I don’t
want anything bad to happen to you now
the reason why I’m telling you that is
because love is the weapon of our choice
that’s that’s that’s that’s the weapon
we have our humanity our connectedness
to each other our compassion or
understanding I didn’t have a defense
for love reject me from society put me
in an environment where the way I have
to behave is conducive to my survival
isn’t conducive to what I’m trying to
promote now that’s familiar to me but I
don’t want that to be familiar I don’t
want to have
to use those barriers and them defenses
anymore Oh what love my friend after
about seven years of recovery he had
some back pain and he went to the doctor
and the doctor prescribed him with
valium for his back valium set off the
obsessions and used drugs which created
the compulsion and he couldn’t stop and
he reverted back to street drugs and he
went to prison and I remember being in
prison that that torture in that cell
the obsession the loneliness the
degradation the desperation and every
time you’re in that situation you know
you you hurt people because you you
don’t know what else to do and you run
because the terror is back relapse is
really painful
my friends are his life because he
couldn’t cope without feeling and often
here recovering addicts safe I relapse
if I’m lucky I’ll die if I’m unlucky I
live for a long time
and that’s because that’s a
representation of how painful it is but
I don’t believe my friend had to die I
don’t believe that he had to be in that
cell on his own I believe that society
could have had a health healthier
nurturing or humane humanitarian
response so I’m calling on you to please
reconsider how we feel about people in
the grips of addiction and just it’s
funny today is of all days my sister is
gone into rehab and you know it’s so
it’s been emotional and I’m on the phone
to my brother this morning and I’m you
know in my stuff around this TED talk
and if I want it to be good I don’t want
to be an amazing speaker I just want you
to hear what I have to say and I’m
hoping that you can change some thinking
the way you see things and that can have
a collective response you know but and
I’m talking to my brother he’s been
working really hard to get her in there
we both have him and she won’t get in
the car she won’t get in the car you
know I’m driving here in a long way here
and and I said to me you just need to
tell her that you know she’s scared and
we needed to be brave right now
and she is so courageous and she’s on
her way and she’s getting there and and
it really took back to me how scared I
was when I looked at myself and when I
decided to live this new where life is I
didn’t know what it meant and people in
recovery they’re the most courageous
people you will ever meet deep sensitive
caring compassionate we’ve been in the
gutter
we’ve been on Britain scrapheap people
ignored us
I was sitting outside shops homeless
hungry cold and people treat me
different today and we a reflection of
society true reflection is how we treat
our most vulnerable members of society
so I would like to dedicate this talk to
my sister who I’m extremely proud of my
mother who who lost her life to this
illness three years ago and all the
friends of mine that have died and I
pray that they rest in peace as we try
to understand more of what they suffered
with my name is you know a recovering
addict thank you
[Applause]
[Applause]
hello everybody my name is Ian and I’m
an addict but I’m so much more than that
today I’m a university student I’m an
employee and I’m a member of society
that makes a positive contribution it’s
not always been that way for me I’ve
known moments of desperation and I want
to talk to you today about what I call
the gift of desperation and I believe
that these lessons are valuable to all
of us and what happens when we don’t
feel connected to our humanity and loved
in my case it was drugs in your case it
may be compulsive eating cereal
relationships gambling ten years ago I
was in the police station for a
shoplifting charge I was sat at the
table with a duty solicitor she was warm
and kind towards me more so than I could
ever be towards myself at that point
before I had abandoned the human being
inside of me I was 21 years old I was
six-foot so eight stone in weight and
washed or change my clothes for weeks as
our street homeless and I had track
marks all at my arms from injecting
crack cocaine and heroin every day this
solicitor was kind and warm towards me
she showed me compassion in love and she
told me that she used to have a drink
problem she doesn’t drink anymore and
that provided me of a window of
opportunity to be honest about feeling
like I was going to be judged I remember
I sat back in the chair and I took a
deep breath and I just said I don’t want
to live like this anymore but I didn’t
know what to do and it’s really
important that the way I was living
wasn’t a choice it wasn’t self-inflicted
it wasn’t an ethical dilemma or a moral
deficiency because I didn’t know there
was another way to live and if there was
it wasn’t impossible for someone like me
the only thing that was holding me
together at that point in my life was
denial I now know that Dena was a
psychological coping strategy designed
to keep us emotionally stable in very
unstable times
every time I was released from prison if
you ask me you’re going to use drugs I
would have said no and if you lied me up
to put me up to a lie-detector test
I would have passed it because I was
telling the truth but I want you to know
that every time I left prison I couldn’t
stop because I didn’t know how to I
didn’t know that I suffered from an
obsession beyond my mental control which
drove and a compulsion to use drugs
against my will and every time I sold my
values I sold my hope
I sold my being I gave up on everything
that was important to me and the sadness
deep inside my soul had never left I did
not understand the diction I did not
understand that I was sick I did not
understand that had a problem and I had
the fear of abandonment I believe that I
was completely worthless I had a belief
that I was unworthy of receiving love
and I now know that our belief system is
the engine that drives our behavior my
ego and self-destructive behavior
patterns came from a sense of
worthlessness and I’d end up in a dark
place not knowing where to turn or how
to escape so why am I telling you this
because I want you to know how it feels
I believe that people who are suffering
from the what we’re called for this
argument disease of addiction deserved
to be met with compassion kindness
understanding not to be rejected from
society
starved of your social capital which is
survival which is essential for human
survival in modern-day society so I’m
proposing that we change narrative the
political undercurrent talks about the
war on drugs I get this you know drugs
you know they devastate communities and
families and it’s very intimidating and
we might feel like we’re under attack
gable Matt say he’s a doctor and a
writer an addiction a big inspiration of
mine he says that we can’t wage war on
an inanimate object so therefore we are
waging war on society’s most vulnerable
people so I proposed a question by
criminalizing addicts are we creating
barriers to recovery if a baby is put in
an incubator when it’s born with
human contact parts of the baby’s brain
won’t develop in more serious cases the
baby will die even if the baby is given
a nutritious diet in order to aid
physical development this is called the
biopsychosocial model so the biology of
the brain is impacted by psychological
and sociological factors
so if baby’s brains won’t develop we’re
little or no human contact when we put
them in an incubator what do we expect
to happen to adults when we incarcerate
them whose addiction is a symptom of
similar causes I think we must
understand people in different ways in
some respects I propose the society just
like myself is in desperation the
desperation is now that we must finally
consider an alternative route so I
propose that we reconsider society’s
response does the criminal justice
system work or does it create further
barriers to recovery could more be done
with people while they are in prison why
are there not more treatment programs
and facilities in prison drugs are not
addictive so if drugs are addictive than
anyone ever took a drug would be a drug
addict it’s a myth to think they are
drugs don’t cause addiction we have to
ask why people susceptible to addiction
so perhaps could we decriminalize drugs
could that work why are we scared of
that idea why don’t we have money to
send someone to treatment but we have a
hundred and nineteen thousand pounds to
put them in prison so the home office
states that 65 percent of drug charges
are due to possession the government
spends 10 billion pounds on the war on
drugs every year that’s a lot of money
for a war that I don’t think is entirely
real there are 85,000 human beings in
prison any given time 35 percent of that
prison population are addicted to drugs
each new prison place costs 119 thousand
pounds to get them into prison from what
happens to the Dominican a become in
conflict with the law to the point when
they get in prison from then on every
year it costs 40,000 pounds to keep an
individual in prison
one person being in prison for a year
cost one hundred and fifty nine thousand
pounds the cost of a rehab for six
months is ten thousand pounds by
thanking someone to treatment
you’re not only identifying who
committed the crime but you are
identifying the reasons why they
committed the crime when you treat that
you rapidly reduce the risk of
reoffending so this is make economic
sense I’m not a criminologist I’m not a
professor in addiction or economics I’m
just an addict we’ve got clean and found
another way to live and when I reflect I
just felt that so much more could be
done so I’m asking you if someone you
loved or cared about furthermore
yourself was in a similar situation how
would you want them to be treated if you
were in your moment in your darkest hour
in your moment of desperation would you
want to be demonized criminalized
marginalized rejected from society
starved of social capital removed from
everyone that loves you would you want
to be met compassion kindness love and
acceptance and give you some kind of
solution when I was at school I thought
all the other children got took to one
side and was told this is the secret for
living life but whatever you do don’t
tell him I was convinced there was this
book this lesson this memo or something
I observed all the other children the
school and Hsu knew what to do they knew
how to interact and talk and engage and
I was it a lost ultimately I felt lost
and alone I even asked one of my peers I
said if they told you singing told you
not to tell me
he looked something like ours bonkers I
get it now
but I had a predisposition within myself
and I projected that onto the
environment around me and that’s why I
felt like that and I look back at my
school experience and it was all about
telling me what to think where not how
to think and for an emotionally
preoccupied extremely sensitive child
like me I was never going to fit into
the status quo
and I’ve realized that the world does
not give us permission to truly feel
what we feel and have the human
experience that were all here to do
I couldn’t rock up to the breakfast
table as a child and say listen I feel
really unworthy of receiving love today
everybody you know when I’m smoking a
spliff from a POW on a park bench and
I’m getting into drugs listen mate I
feel really scared and insecure right
now I couldn’t say that stuff I had to
suppress it and I couldn’t suppress it
so I had to better self-medicate to
manage that see I’d like you to imagine
perhaps maybe a school system that
nurtured the human experience a bit more
I’d like you to imagine that on your
first day of school you were met with a
teaching team that said welcome we are a
teaching team that is dedicated to your
development we love and accept you just
the way you are and we can’t wait for
you to flourish into the beautiful human
beings you’re all destined to be so I’m
asking could more of a school system be
a support could school be an arena where
we take less of a focus on the academic
learning and more of a focus on the
human experience teaching kindness
giving relationship building feelings
thinking self value self esteem surely
this is the path that drives us closer
to our humanity and in supporting
children on the human experience they’re
embarking on I personally feel this
might help create a healthier society
and manage some of the symptoms like
addiction it takes wisdom to see
intention but are often judged in our
actions I was misunderstood for a long
time my focus and driver is that I want
people to experience what I experienced
I was met with love and acceptance
compassion and kindness the therapeutic
value one adds helping another runs a
parallel when I really believed that we
must build on this change is possible
and I recognize that some of the things
that I’m talking about involves change
and I know that change is scary but in
my experience it’s not as scary as doing
it and resistance to change is harder
than change we need to change the
attitudes in the minds of each
individual I want to talk to you about a
story quickly
today I choose to stay drug-free I’ve
been blessed with an opportunity I
couldn’t be held responsible for my
addiction because I didn’t know what I
was doing and I didn’t know how to stop
but as a human being I recognize I have
to be accountable and that’s why I went
to prison but I although I choose to
stay clean today it’s really important
that you know that choice has been hard
for me it’s probably the hardest choice
I’ve ever made and I only don’t use just
for today even after all this time and
after about three years of recovery I
relapsed I believe the lie that I wasn’t
worth it I didn’t deserve him I was
worthless and I was unworthy of
receiving love and I behaved in ways
that self-medicated that feeling until
eventually I used and I said I’m just
going to have one just to manage with
this feeling just one just because I
can’t bear this pain any longer
five days later I’m injecting heroin
down the train tracks and I’m in this
city called Bristol and I reached out to
one of my friends from the recovery
support groups and I called him and I
just said I’ve really messed up and I
don’t know what to do he says I’m gonna
come and get you so he picked me up and
he took me to a recovery Support Group
and halfway through the meeting I fell
off the chair because the heroin was
strong and I hadn’t used it for a long
time and he got up and walked across the
room and he picked me up off the chair
and he put his arms around me and he
rubbed my back and he said to me and you
don’t have to be frightened it’s gonna
be okay and we’re gonna get through this
together because I love you and I don’t
want anything bad to happen to you now
the reason why I’m telling you that is
because love is the weapon of our choice
that’s that’s that’s that’s the weapon
we have our humanity our connectedness
to each other our compassion or
understanding I didn’t have a defense
for love reject me from society put me
in an environment where the way I have
to behave is conducive to my survival
isn’t conducive to what I’m trying to
promote now that’s familiar to me but I
don’t want that to be familiar I don’t
want to have
to use those barriers and them defenses
anymore Oh what love my friend after
about seven years of recovery he had
some back pain and he went to the doctor
and the doctor prescribed him with
valium for his back valium set off the
obsessions and used drugs which created
the compulsion and he couldn’t stop and
he reverted back to street drugs and he
went to prison and I remember being in
prison that that torture in that cell
the obsession the loneliness the
degradation the desperation and every
time you’re in that situation you know
you you hurt people because you you
don’t know what else to do and you run
because the terror is back relapse is
really painful
my friends are his life because he
couldn’t cope without feeling and often
here recovering addicts safe I relapse
if I’m lucky I’ll die if I’m unlucky I
live for a long time
and that’s because that’s a
representation of how painful it is but
I don’t believe my friend had to die I
don’t believe that he had to be in that
cell on his own I believe that society
could have had a health healthier
nurturing or humane humanitarian
response so I’m calling on you to please
reconsider how we feel about people in
the grips of addiction and just it’s
funny today is of all days my sister is
gone into rehab and you know it’s so
it’s been emotional and I’m on the phone
to my brother this morning and I’m you
know in my stuff around this TED talk
and if I want it to be good I don’t want
to be an amazing speaker I just want you
to hear what I have to say and I’m
hoping that you can change some thinking
the way you see things and that can have
a collective response you know but and
I’m talking to my brother he’s been
working really hard to get her in there
we both have him and she won’t get in
the car she won’t get in the car you
know I’m driving here in a long way here
and and I said to me you just need to
tell her that you know she’s scared and
we needed to be brave right now
and she is so courageous and she’s on
her way and she’s getting there and and
it really took back to me how scared I
was when I looked at myself and when I
decided to live this new where life is I
didn’t know what it meant and people in
recovery they’re the most courageous
people you will ever meet deep sensitive
caring compassionate we’ve been in the
gutter
we’ve been on Britain scrapheap people
ignored us
I was sitting outside shops homeless
hungry cold and people treat me
different today and we a reflection of
society true reflection is how we treat
our most vulnerable members of society
so I would like to dedicate this talk to
my sister who I’m extremely proud of my
mother who who lost her life to this
illness three years ago and all the
friends of mine that have died and I
pray that they rest in peace as we try
to understand more of what they suffered
with my name is you know a recovering
addict thank you
[Applause]
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