a few years ago my partner Rose and I we
need to State for a conference I was
speaking at it and Rose was doing the
tourist thing and seeing the sights
she bought a cup of coffee for a guy who
was down on his luck and unfortunately
he assaulted her he grabbed her and he
kissed her and he wouldn’t let go
now Rose has a trauma history of child
sexual abuse and it felt to her like the
longest time before she could unfreeze
and break free and run and find me we
had on her half afternoon later that
night we were back at our accommodation
and we were tucked into bed together
holding hands and just talking it
through and she had some really big
questions for me like was I still
attracted to her I said oh my love of
course this doesn’t change how I see you
and then she asked me would I be upset
or angry if she didn’t want to be
touched
I said no of course not and then she
asked what about if she never wanted to
be touched again I said to her we will
always be friends
touch or sex will only ever happen if
and when and how she wants them to this
is emotionally safe for sex we can make
it safe to turn down sex without feeling
pressured or change and we can make it
safe to initiate sex and there’s a
paradox in this which is that making sex
feel safer can actually be really
stressful a little bit like public
speaking
so when I told Rose that we would be
okay if we never had sex again
I was totally sincere but a part of my
brain was freaking out what if we never
had sex again what if the whole
relationship changed because of this guy
I was scared but I was also absolutely
determined that if we did have sex it
would not be out of a sense of
obligation or because she was scared
that I would leave her or worried that I
would be angry with her now we did okay
we’re still together she’s sitting over
there and we did have sex again quite
soon after this event and it was great
what I found is that making sex
emotionally safer makes it more possible
to have good sex more often now what do
I mean by good sex good sex can be quite
different to how we’re used to talking
about it it can look quite different for
what we’re used to seeing in films and
books if be a lot more diverse so as an
example I once had a panic attack during
sex and it was still good I am not
recommending panic attacks as a sexual
technique it was very embarrassing
I cried they may have been snot
it was not sexy but the thing is Rose
and I are really good at helping each
other feel safe so she was chilled she
went and got me a dressing-gown to cover
up
she made me a cuppa we went on to
something funny on TV and until I count
down and then we went back to having sex
and we had a great night
emotionally safer sex can be much more
diverse than we used to thinking about
it when Rose and I first met we realized
that one way or another we both kind of
come to this idea that good sex was out
of reach for people like us we hadn’t
heard much about people with abuse
histories going on to have great sex
lives people with chronic illness like
me or chronic pain conditions or anxiety
we just weren’t candidates for good sex
right now but of course we are
because good sex is much bigger than
that
it can be good sex can be awkward it can
be playful and silly
maybe somebody farts at a really
embarrassing moment well they get a leg
cramp or they need to pee that’s okay it
gets to be a really fantastic experience
emotionally safer sex isn’t about making
sex boring it’s about helping us break
out of our really limiting ideas about
sex
the reason this topic is important to me
is because I’ve also had experiences of
bad sex and I’m not talking about rape
sometimes we have this idea that if it’s
not non-consensual sex rape molestation
abuse then it’s good sex unless you’re
getting something but this is hold Harry
here that’s not good it’s entirely
possible to have consensual sex with
somebody we like and are attracted to
have a leave us feeling sad lonely and
miserable and I hated these experiences
I hated not understanding why they
happened and not being out a tell when I
was going to have a good experience or a
bad one even if I was with the same
partner in fact they stressed me out so
much I went on to develop a form of
sexual dysfunction called vaginismus and
after a relationship ended in my
twenties I decided I was done I never
wanted to experience bad sex again and
until I could make sure that wasn’t
going to happen I would just not have
sex so I became celibate for the next
seven years and I was not happy about
this this is not about being asexual
this was about going to the park and
seeing the couples smuggling and being
overwhelmed with yearning emotionally
safer sex has meant for me that I no
longer experience sexual dysfunction I
get to have good sex and I never have
bad sex and the reason I’m talking to
you about this is because I’ve learned
it wasn’t just me there are many things
that can make sex stressful or bad most
of us at some point in our lives will
find that our sex lives also don’t fit
that perfect people paradigm we’re used
to seeing it might be that we are
dealing with weight gain or libido
changes because of a medication we need
to be on or maybe our partner is
recovering from prostate cancer or
perhaps they’re trying to work out how
they like to have sex since they’ve come
out as transgender our lives and bodies
are very diverse and that’s true safety
also what works for me might not work
for you it needs to be created jointly
in each partnership emotionally safer
sex is bigger than just those
partnerships though because it’s also
about how I feel in my body and that’s
about her other pee
all have treated me and my body and it’s
about how they talk about sex and about
bodies how we think about sex who we
think of a sexual and what we think sex
is for has huge implications it changes
how we talk to our young people about
sex or what sexual health resources we
make available for people with
disabilities or how we set up our aged
care facilities when I talk about
emotionally safer sex I get really
different responses from people
some folks say to me yes that’s what my
partner and I do and some say to me ooh
that’s really interesting come over here
I need to learn more about and some
folks head for the hills which is fine
but there’s one response in particular
that made me start talking about this
more publicly so once I was facilitating
a mental health support group and the
topic of sex came up and I floated some
of these ideas around somebody said to
me no there is no such thing as
emotionally safe for sex sex is
inherently emotionally risky and there’s
nothing that can be done about that and
my heart broke for them I understand
that perspective I felt that but that
hasn’t been my experience and just as
there are things that we can do to help
make sex physically safer there are
things that we can do to help make it
emotionally safer so I spent a long time
gathering this framework I went into
sexual health counseling I’ve read a lot
of books talked to some folks done a lot
of thinking and there were a number of
things that I found useful such as for
me one of them is called resetting the
norms that’s the name I gave it we tend
to think of intimacy as being a kind of
linear path between strangers and lovers
and it only moves in one direction and
we often think of sex as
where you reach first base and then
second base and so on I don’t do this I
reset my normal back to platonic
friendship so sex the night before
doesn’t mean that Rose walks in on me in
the shower without checking the next
morning Oh vice versa and coming to bed
naked isn’t a signal that I want to have
sex unless that’s something rose and I
have agreed that that means we don’t
intrude on each other so I don’t have to
spend a lot of energy saying knowing and
pushing a partner away
instead I get invited to say yes when I
want to and step into being sexual
another thing I found really helpful was
working on my language around sex
I needed words for body parts for
activities for positions for consent and
although I always knew that I could say
no or stop in practice I’d really done
that because I found it really
uncomfortable so Rose and I practiced we
would give each other massages and at
some point I would say stop and she
would stop and I got to experience what
that feels like I also found that I
needed more nuanced language sometimes I
didn’t want to say stop I just wanted to
say mmm I found that I needed a lot more
than yes or no another thing that I
found really useful was to kind of
antique my ideas of what I’d come to
think of as real sex and we can have
some pretty fixed ideas about this we
can kind of treat sex as a formula I
found being bisexual was quite useful
and I’m thinking this because we think
of sex sometimes as being very simple
foreplay if you’re lucky penis in vagina
everyone orgasms and that’s the end of
it that’s real sex and anything else is
just messing around not really sex when
that’s how I thought of it and a partner
would suggest sex I would sort of check
in with myself to see if I was
interested by asking myself can I handle
that
and I don’t do that anymore now I ask
myself do I feel like and I might not
quite know yet but maybe I feel like
cuddling on the couch and once I’m there
maybe I feel like kissing and once I
started kissing well who knows where
that might lead I get to follow the
thread of my desire real sex is anything
sexual we do with our bodies anything
sexual pleasurable consenting it can be
about hands and mouths and sex toys when
it’s about pleasure it’s not even
necessarily about erections or orgasms
sex doesn’t have to be a formula it can
be more like a dance so emotionally
safer sex flips the scripts were used to
sex stops being a performance where we
can get judged or something we give up
or do to each other and become something
we do with the things that we think
exclude us or hold us back often don’t
have to for example
I’ve had post-traumatic stress disorder
which means that my body and brain wired
themselves for a really dangerous
environment and then stayed that way
once the danger had passed and one of
the ways it did that was by – by turning
up some of my senses really heightening
them so for example I used to wake up if
a mouse sneezed in a house down the road
very inconvenient but nobody was going
to sneak up on me
another sense that turned up for me was
my sense of smell and that made life
quite tricky for a while so I found
crowds or strangers and lifts incredibly
overwhelming because I would be hit with
his intense medley of smell their
shampoo their cologne the smell of their
sweat and for the same reasons sex was
quite challenging until I came across an
internet forum one
day of people who had really sensitive
smell and cherished it I mean these are
the kind of people that spent their
entire first paycheck buying some rare
perfume it was like spending my life
drinking cask wine and stumbling into a
fancy wine tasting event I bought a lot
of perfume samples but I also started to
fall in love with my tuned up senses so
in rose and I wanted to have sex she
would go and have a shower and she would
use some lovely shower gel and the smell
of her skin would be exquisite our
differences and vulnerabilities and
sensitivities the very things that make
us human can become connection
authenticity and pleasure the things
that can make sex bad or stressful when
we feel safer or actually the very
things that can make it more beautiful
more joyful and more intimate thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
need to State for a conference I was
speaking at it and Rose was doing the
tourist thing and seeing the sights
she bought a cup of coffee for a guy who
was down on his luck and unfortunately
he assaulted her he grabbed her and he
kissed her and he wouldn’t let go
now Rose has a trauma history of child
sexual abuse and it felt to her like the
longest time before she could unfreeze
and break free and run and find me we
had on her half afternoon later that
night we were back at our accommodation
and we were tucked into bed together
holding hands and just talking it
through and she had some really big
questions for me like was I still
attracted to her I said oh my love of
course this doesn’t change how I see you
and then she asked me would I be upset
or angry if she didn’t want to be
touched
I said no of course not and then she
asked what about if she never wanted to
be touched again I said to her we will
always be friends
touch or sex will only ever happen if
and when and how she wants them to this
is emotionally safe for sex we can make
it safe to turn down sex without feeling
pressured or change and we can make it
safe to initiate sex and there’s a
paradox in this which is that making sex
feel safer can actually be really
stressful a little bit like public
speaking
so when I told Rose that we would be
okay if we never had sex again
I was totally sincere but a part of my
brain was freaking out what if we never
had sex again what if the whole
relationship changed because of this guy
I was scared but I was also absolutely
determined that if we did have sex it
would not be out of a sense of
obligation or because she was scared
that I would leave her or worried that I
would be angry with her now we did okay
we’re still together she’s sitting over
there and we did have sex again quite
soon after this event and it was great
what I found is that making sex
emotionally safer makes it more possible
to have good sex more often now what do
I mean by good sex good sex can be quite
different to how we’re used to talking
about it it can look quite different for
what we’re used to seeing in films and
books if be a lot more diverse so as an
example I once had a panic attack during
sex and it was still good I am not
recommending panic attacks as a sexual
technique it was very embarrassing
I cried they may have been snot
it was not sexy but the thing is Rose
and I are really good at helping each
other feel safe so she was chilled she
went and got me a dressing-gown to cover
up
she made me a cuppa we went on to
something funny on TV and until I count
down and then we went back to having sex
and we had a great night
emotionally safer sex can be much more
diverse than we used to thinking about
it when Rose and I first met we realized
that one way or another we both kind of
come to this idea that good sex was out
of reach for people like us we hadn’t
heard much about people with abuse
histories going on to have great sex
lives people with chronic illness like
me or chronic pain conditions or anxiety
we just weren’t candidates for good sex
right now but of course we are
because good sex is much bigger than
that
it can be good sex can be awkward it can
be playful and silly
maybe somebody farts at a really
embarrassing moment well they get a leg
cramp or they need to pee that’s okay it
gets to be a really fantastic experience
emotionally safer sex isn’t about making
sex boring it’s about helping us break
out of our really limiting ideas about
sex
the reason this topic is important to me
is because I’ve also had experiences of
bad sex and I’m not talking about rape
sometimes we have this idea that if it’s
not non-consensual sex rape molestation
abuse then it’s good sex unless you’re
getting something but this is hold Harry
here that’s not good it’s entirely
possible to have consensual sex with
somebody we like and are attracted to
have a leave us feeling sad lonely and
miserable and I hated these experiences
I hated not understanding why they
happened and not being out a tell when I
was going to have a good experience or a
bad one even if I was with the same
partner in fact they stressed me out so
much I went on to develop a form of
sexual dysfunction called vaginismus and
after a relationship ended in my
twenties I decided I was done I never
wanted to experience bad sex again and
until I could make sure that wasn’t
going to happen I would just not have
sex so I became celibate for the next
seven years and I was not happy about
this this is not about being asexual
this was about going to the park and
seeing the couples smuggling and being
overwhelmed with yearning emotionally
safer sex has meant for me that I no
longer experience sexual dysfunction I
get to have good sex and I never have
bad sex and the reason I’m talking to
you about this is because I’ve learned
it wasn’t just me there are many things
that can make sex stressful or bad most
of us at some point in our lives will
find that our sex lives also don’t fit
that perfect people paradigm we’re used
to seeing it might be that we are
dealing with weight gain or libido
changes because of a medication we need
to be on or maybe our partner is
recovering from prostate cancer or
perhaps they’re trying to work out how
they like to have sex since they’ve come
out as transgender our lives and bodies
are very diverse and that’s true safety
also what works for me might not work
for you it needs to be created jointly
in each partnership emotionally safer
sex is bigger than just those
partnerships though because it’s also
about how I feel in my body and that’s
about her other pee
all have treated me and my body and it’s
about how they talk about sex and about
bodies how we think about sex who we
think of a sexual and what we think sex
is for has huge implications it changes
how we talk to our young people about
sex or what sexual health resources we
make available for people with
disabilities or how we set up our aged
care facilities when I talk about
emotionally safer sex I get really
different responses from people
some folks say to me yes that’s what my
partner and I do and some say to me ooh
that’s really interesting come over here
I need to learn more about and some
folks head for the hills which is fine
but there’s one response in particular
that made me start talking about this
more publicly so once I was facilitating
a mental health support group and the
topic of sex came up and I floated some
of these ideas around somebody said to
me no there is no such thing as
emotionally safe for sex sex is
inherently emotionally risky and there’s
nothing that can be done about that and
my heart broke for them I understand
that perspective I felt that but that
hasn’t been my experience and just as
there are things that we can do to help
make sex physically safer there are
things that we can do to help make it
emotionally safer so I spent a long time
gathering this framework I went into
sexual health counseling I’ve read a lot
of books talked to some folks done a lot
of thinking and there were a number of
things that I found useful such as for
me one of them is called resetting the
norms that’s the name I gave it we tend
to think of intimacy as being a kind of
linear path between strangers and lovers
and it only moves in one direction and
we often think of sex as
where you reach first base and then
second base and so on I don’t do this I
reset my normal back to platonic
friendship so sex the night before
doesn’t mean that Rose walks in on me in
the shower without checking the next
morning Oh vice versa and coming to bed
naked isn’t a signal that I want to have
sex unless that’s something rose and I
have agreed that that means we don’t
intrude on each other so I don’t have to
spend a lot of energy saying knowing and
pushing a partner away
instead I get invited to say yes when I
want to and step into being sexual
another thing I found really helpful was
working on my language around sex
I needed words for body parts for
activities for positions for consent and
although I always knew that I could say
no or stop in practice I’d really done
that because I found it really
uncomfortable so Rose and I practiced we
would give each other massages and at
some point I would say stop and she
would stop and I got to experience what
that feels like I also found that I
needed more nuanced language sometimes I
didn’t want to say stop I just wanted to
say mmm I found that I needed a lot more
than yes or no another thing that I
found really useful was to kind of
antique my ideas of what I’d come to
think of as real sex and we can have
some pretty fixed ideas about this we
can kind of treat sex as a formula I
found being bisexual was quite useful
and I’m thinking this because we think
of sex sometimes as being very simple
foreplay if you’re lucky penis in vagina
everyone orgasms and that’s the end of
it that’s real sex and anything else is
just messing around not really sex when
that’s how I thought of it and a partner
would suggest sex I would sort of check
in with myself to see if I was
interested by asking myself can I handle
that
and I don’t do that anymore now I ask
myself do I feel like and I might not
quite know yet but maybe I feel like
cuddling on the couch and once I’m there
maybe I feel like kissing and once I
started kissing well who knows where
that might lead I get to follow the
thread of my desire real sex is anything
sexual we do with our bodies anything
sexual pleasurable consenting it can be
about hands and mouths and sex toys when
it’s about pleasure it’s not even
necessarily about erections or orgasms
sex doesn’t have to be a formula it can
be more like a dance so emotionally
safer sex flips the scripts were used to
sex stops being a performance where we
can get judged or something we give up
or do to each other and become something
we do with the things that we think
exclude us or hold us back often don’t
have to for example
I’ve had post-traumatic stress disorder
which means that my body and brain wired
themselves for a really dangerous
environment and then stayed that way
once the danger had passed and one of
the ways it did that was by – by turning
up some of my senses really heightening
them so for example I used to wake up if
a mouse sneezed in a house down the road
very inconvenient but nobody was going
to sneak up on me
another sense that turned up for me was
my sense of smell and that made life
quite tricky for a while so I found
crowds or strangers and lifts incredibly
overwhelming because I would be hit with
his intense medley of smell their
shampoo their cologne the smell of their
sweat and for the same reasons sex was
quite challenging until I came across an
internet forum one
day of people who had really sensitive
smell and cherished it I mean these are
the kind of people that spent their
entire first paycheck buying some rare
perfume it was like spending my life
drinking cask wine and stumbling into a
fancy wine tasting event I bought a lot
of perfume samples but I also started to
fall in love with my tuned up senses so
in rose and I wanted to have sex she
would go and have a shower and she would
use some lovely shower gel and the smell
of her skin would be exquisite our
differences and vulnerabilities and
sensitivities the very things that make
us human can become connection
authenticity and pleasure the things
that can make sex bad or stressful when
we feel safer or actually the very
things that can make it more beautiful
more joyful and more intimate thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
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