noticing and having missing
conversations can change your life and
the life of those around you it can
change you it is changing me I’ve been
lucky enough to teach innovation for 15
years and I define it as acting on ideas
for a purpose the purpose is important
it doesn’t have to be global it doesn’t
have to be huge but it does need to
matter missing conversations are a great
tool to start what I call a practice of
individual innovation a tool to help you
develop conversations about things that
really matter I suggest starting close
to home
with conversations to build
relationships with neighbors with
co-workers and with family and even
closer to home to think about your
thinking and how it’s serving your
purpose I hope today you’ll start at
your own practice of individual
innovation by thinking about and having
your missing conversations what are your
missing conversations well they might be
conversations that are absolutely
missing they’re the ones that we’re not
having right now they also might be
subconscious conversations and because
they’re subconscious we don’t notice
them let’s start by exploring the first
kind conversations that are literally
missing it’s July 15th 2016 you’re in my
car were driving to work and I hit dial
and call my sister Vicky in England she
says hi and she’s accompanied by a
cacophony of barking from her beloved
dogs I greet the dogs and the barking
dies down
Vicky advises that she’s having a bad
day today so I listened to her and I
reminded that I love her and she feels a
little better that we both feel better
let’s leave that
dori there and come back to it in a
moment first some context Vicki and I
grew up had a fabulous relationship as
young children and as we got a little
older our lives diverged by coming to
university at America literally put an
ocean between us her life held a lot of
tragedy she lost two husbands and both
her sons to different causes and at
different times
she suffered loneliness and grief and in
2006 I thought to myself I’d like to
recreate that relationship with my
sister that I had as a child I also
wanted to be there for her during this
difficult time so I made myself a
promise I’ll call Vicki every two weeks
four years later I was reviewing this
promise with my innovation class and to
my horror I noticed that I wasn’t
keeping it I was failing in my own class
or was I isn’t innovational about trying
and failing and learning noticing the
failure sparked a new idea could I
possibly call Vicki every workday this
new idea while it seemed a lot harder
than the original idea was actually
easier and I managed to keep it and
Vicki and I talked for the next six
years every work day until sadly she
died in 2016 let’s review this through
the lens of individual innovation and
missing conversations there was a
missing conversation for four years I
was not talking to my sister every two
weeks that idea sparked a new idea that
I could potentially act on I acted on
that idea and it changed everything for
the two of us we were able to reconnect
make a fantastic relationship that we’d
had as children and what other wonderful
outcomes as well
Vicky was able to reconnect with her
daughter-in-law Shelley and Shelley’s
lovely family by having her own missing
conversations to make that happen and at
the celebration of Vicky’s life
Shelley’s two of Shelley’s very young
children gave beautiful eulogies about
her Vicky had attended their sports and
their practices and one of them even
said unlike uncle James
Vicky never felt asleep in my gymnastics
practice conversations about death may
be the ultimate missing conversation at
our church we run a class grief class
called walking the mourners path and we
ask all the participants how is death
discussed in your family of origin and a
hundred percent of the time it’s never
the answer is it’s never discussed and
that certainly was my experience how
about you one thing you can do for
people who are grieving is just be there
and listen as you’re doing now death is
hard to talk about and perhaps that’s
why it’s so often a missing conversation
but courage can really help courage to
face the fear of opening old wounds
courage to face the fear of sharing
sensitive personal information it’s hard
so choose well and ask what
conversations will you have with whom
about what and why
the second type of missing conversation
our subconscious conversations and you
may find these little surprising they’re
actually conversations you’re having
with yourself how can you possibly miss
conversations you’re having with
yourself turns out it’s pretty easy
because I could subconscious you don’t
notice them these are assessments
prejudgments and yes prejudices and to
be clear prejudice is not always a bad
thing in fact every time you cross the
road
your prejudgment saves your life you get
to the road and you prejudge is it safe
to cross another example of subconscious
conversations is assuming that we all
speak the same language so instant
Churchill famously said that America and
England are two nations divided by a
common language and and having spent the
first 20 years of my life learning
English English and the next 40 years
actually a little bit more of my life
learning American English I am
constantly amazed by the number of
differences I noticed between our two
common languages here’s a story to tell
the point 40 years ago my American wife
and I lived in England and she just
joined a very serious all-female lawyers
office and on her first day to work she
noticed everybody was wearing dresses so
she stepped into her boss’s office and
asked would it be okay if I wore pants
to work today to which her astonished
boss said mrs. Barnes I hope you’ll wear
pants to work today
I mean I mean tomorrow tomorrow but
tomorrow tomorrow all right there wasn’t
today all right so so buff more buff
didn’t know was it in England pants mean
Underpants she had just asked her boss
if she could wear underpants to work
a third example of subconscious
conversations involves two short stories
and a little audience participation so
please listen well and think about your
thinking it comes the first story Sarah
is a good student but let’s stop right
there what are you thinking nice
participation I suspect you’re probably
thinking of some stories about Sarah
let’s try that again
there he comes the second story Sarah is
a good student and now what are you
thinking okay so sis did you’re Sarah
and stories were they different from the
Sarah but and they were isn’t that
interesting that you’re you know
changing one word makes such a big
difference in a conversation and
probably the most important point here
is not the button and the end but the
fact that you had that thought in your
mind and a big question is you did you
notice that thought until I asked you
about it cognitive scientists suggest
that we create meaning in what we’re
hearing by relating to our own lived
experience so as we hear a story or hear
words we’re already anticipating what
the meaning of those words are and
sometimes we’re finishing the story
before the storyteller has finished like
you did with with Sarah I often wonder
about what cognitive scientists think
and I wonder if that’s true
if we create meaning out of our own
stories it’s a disaster it’s almost no
wonder that the world is so confused and
there’s so much tension in the world not
to mention languages it’s the
rotation in fact I often think that
everybody thinks the same way I think
how crazy is that
you know perhaps I’m the only person
that thinks the way I think perhaps I’m
the only person that speaks my language
perhaps to build on what some Winston
Churchill said we’re a globe of eight
billion people divided by eight billion
languages one thing you can do about
this is to stop and ask what are my
prejudices and are they serving my
purpose
so to summarize there are two types of
conversation those that are actually not
happening and subconscious conversations
examples of those are actually not
happening I like Vicky conversations
with Vicky that we’re not happening also
conversations about death and
conversations that are subconscious the
examples there were thinking about two
languages the stories that you made up
so so let’s summarize for a moment and
think about what it is that a missing
conversation is to you let’s return to
the story you’re in my car which is
called my sister Vicky two days after
that event there was a message on my
phone
Vicky had left a message it will be the
last that she would ever leave and in it
she described that she had a great trip
to the stained glass Museum she had a
very good meeting with her cycle it’s
like ayat rest’
and she ended this story by saying I
love you all bye and it’s that joy in
that bye
that encourages me to encourage you to
start your individual
innovation practice notice you’re
missing conversations and have the ones
that are literally missing that are
important and notice your prejudgments
and prejudices and challenge those
prejudices change them but first notice
them because until you notice them you
have no hope of changing them Vicki and
I used to love having bonfires we would
sit and round the bonfire with our
family and just have wonderful times and
a couple of years before she died we
would do this quite a lot with our
brother now I often will have a bonfire
in the backyard and I’ll sit by it and
I’ll just sit and remember the joy that
Vicki brought to the world so here we
are by the fireside remembering Vicki
what are your missing conversations I
hope you’ll be inspired to start an
individual innovation practice noticing
and having your missing conversations
you’ll be glad if you do it will change
you as it continues to change me one
conversation at a time thank you
[Applause]
you
conversations can change your life and
the life of those around you it can
change you it is changing me I’ve been
lucky enough to teach innovation for 15
years and I define it as acting on ideas
for a purpose the purpose is important
it doesn’t have to be global it doesn’t
have to be huge but it does need to
matter missing conversations are a great
tool to start what I call a practice of
individual innovation a tool to help you
develop conversations about things that
really matter I suggest starting close
to home
with conversations to build
relationships with neighbors with
co-workers and with family and even
closer to home to think about your
thinking and how it’s serving your
purpose I hope today you’ll start at
your own practice of individual
innovation by thinking about and having
your missing conversations what are your
missing conversations well they might be
conversations that are absolutely
missing they’re the ones that we’re not
having right now they also might be
subconscious conversations and because
they’re subconscious we don’t notice
them let’s start by exploring the first
kind conversations that are literally
missing it’s July 15th 2016 you’re in my
car were driving to work and I hit dial
and call my sister Vicky in England she
says hi and she’s accompanied by a
cacophony of barking from her beloved
dogs I greet the dogs and the barking
dies down
Vicky advises that she’s having a bad
day today so I listened to her and I
reminded that I love her and she feels a
little better that we both feel better
let’s leave that
dori there and come back to it in a
moment first some context Vicki and I
grew up had a fabulous relationship as
young children and as we got a little
older our lives diverged by coming to
university at America literally put an
ocean between us her life held a lot of
tragedy she lost two husbands and both
her sons to different causes and at
different times
she suffered loneliness and grief and in
2006 I thought to myself I’d like to
recreate that relationship with my
sister that I had as a child I also
wanted to be there for her during this
difficult time so I made myself a
promise I’ll call Vicki every two weeks
four years later I was reviewing this
promise with my innovation class and to
my horror I noticed that I wasn’t
keeping it I was failing in my own class
or was I isn’t innovational about trying
and failing and learning noticing the
failure sparked a new idea could I
possibly call Vicki every workday this
new idea while it seemed a lot harder
than the original idea was actually
easier and I managed to keep it and
Vicki and I talked for the next six
years every work day until sadly she
died in 2016 let’s review this through
the lens of individual innovation and
missing conversations there was a
missing conversation for four years I
was not talking to my sister every two
weeks that idea sparked a new idea that
I could potentially act on I acted on
that idea and it changed everything for
the two of us we were able to reconnect
make a fantastic relationship that we’d
had as children and what other wonderful
outcomes as well
Vicky was able to reconnect with her
daughter-in-law Shelley and Shelley’s
lovely family by having her own missing
conversations to make that happen and at
the celebration of Vicky’s life
Shelley’s two of Shelley’s very young
children gave beautiful eulogies about
her Vicky had attended their sports and
their practices and one of them even
said unlike uncle James
Vicky never felt asleep in my gymnastics
practice conversations about death may
be the ultimate missing conversation at
our church we run a class grief class
called walking the mourners path and we
ask all the participants how is death
discussed in your family of origin and a
hundred percent of the time it’s never
the answer is it’s never discussed and
that certainly was my experience how
about you one thing you can do for
people who are grieving is just be there
and listen as you’re doing now death is
hard to talk about and perhaps that’s
why it’s so often a missing conversation
but courage can really help courage to
face the fear of opening old wounds
courage to face the fear of sharing
sensitive personal information it’s hard
so choose well and ask what
conversations will you have with whom
about what and why
the second type of missing conversation
our subconscious conversations and you
may find these little surprising they’re
actually conversations you’re having
with yourself how can you possibly miss
conversations you’re having with
yourself turns out it’s pretty easy
because I could subconscious you don’t
notice them these are assessments
prejudgments and yes prejudices and to
be clear prejudice is not always a bad
thing in fact every time you cross the
road
your prejudgment saves your life you get
to the road and you prejudge is it safe
to cross another example of subconscious
conversations is assuming that we all
speak the same language so instant
Churchill famously said that America and
England are two nations divided by a
common language and and having spent the
first 20 years of my life learning
English English and the next 40 years
actually a little bit more of my life
learning American English I am
constantly amazed by the number of
differences I noticed between our two
common languages here’s a story to tell
the point 40 years ago my American wife
and I lived in England and she just
joined a very serious all-female lawyers
office and on her first day to work she
noticed everybody was wearing dresses so
she stepped into her boss’s office and
asked would it be okay if I wore pants
to work today to which her astonished
boss said mrs. Barnes I hope you’ll wear
pants to work today
I mean I mean tomorrow tomorrow but
tomorrow tomorrow all right there wasn’t
today all right so so buff more buff
didn’t know was it in England pants mean
Underpants she had just asked her boss
if she could wear underpants to work
a third example of subconscious
conversations involves two short stories
and a little audience participation so
please listen well and think about your
thinking it comes the first story Sarah
is a good student but let’s stop right
there what are you thinking nice
participation I suspect you’re probably
thinking of some stories about Sarah
let’s try that again
there he comes the second story Sarah is
a good student and now what are you
thinking okay so sis did you’re Sarah
and stories were they different from the
Sarah but and they were isn’t that
interesting that you’re you know
changing one word makes such a big
difference in a conversation and
probably the most important point here
is not the button and the end but the
fact that you had that thought in your
mind and a big question is you did you
notice that thought until I asked you
about it cognitive scientists suggest
that we create meaning in what we’re
hearing by relating to our own lived
experience so as we hear a story or hear
words we’re already anticipating what
the meaning of those words are and
sometimes we’re finishing the story
before the storyteller has finished like
you did with with Sarah I often wonder
about what cognitive scientists think
and I wonder if that’s true
if we create meaning out of our own
stories it’s a disaster it’s almost no
wonder that the world is so confused and
there’s so much tension in the world not
to mention languages it’s the
rotation in fact I often think that
everybody thinks the same way I think
how crazy is that
you know perhaps I’m the only person
that thinks the way I think perhaps I’m
the only person that speaks my language
perhaps to build on what some Winston
Churchill said we’re a globe of eight
billion people divided by eight billion
languages one thing you can do about
this is to stop and ask what are my
prejudices and are they serving my
purpose
so to summarize there are two types of
conversation those that are actually not
happening and subconscious conversations
examples of those are actually not
happening I like Vicky conversations
with Vicky that we’re not happening also
conversations about death and
conversations that are subconscious the
examples there were thinking about two
languages the stories that you made up
so so let’s summarize for a moment and
think about what it is that a missing
conversation is to you let’s return to
the story you’re in my car which is
called my sister Vicky two days after
that event there was a message on my
phone
Vicky had left a message it will be the
last that she would ever leave and in it
she described that she had a great trip
to the stained glass Museum she had a
very good meeting with her cycle it’s
like ayat rest’
and she ended this story by saying I
love you all bye and it’s that joy in
that bye
that encourages me to encourage you to
start your individual
innovation practice notice you’re
missing conversations and have the ones
that are literally missing that are
important and notice your prejudgments
and prejudices and challenge those
prejudices change them but first notice
them because until you notice them you
have no hope of changing them Vicki and
I used to love having bonfires we would
sit and round the bonfire with our
family and just have wonderful times and
a couple of years before she died we
would do this quite a lot with our
brother now I often will have a bonfire
in the backyard and I’ll sit by it and
I’ll just sit and remember the joy that
Vicki brought to the world so here we
are by the fireside remembering Vicki
what are your missing conversations I
hope you’ll be inspired to start an
individual innovation practice noticing
and having your missing conversations
you’ll be glad if you do it will change
you as it continues to change me one
conversation at a time thank you
[Applause]
you
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