I love obituaries I do I love them I
love how people summarize their lives
I’m amazed that people can put those
words into one little column and every
character costs money so you have to be
very intentional about what words are
going in because it’s gonna cost money
if your name goes into someone’s
obituary that’s like five dollars you’re
away right I have friends who are
writers and I admire them and they’re in
these writing circles and I always tell
them I want my own writing circle but I
want it to be just obituaries I want to
write my own obituary and the only
people I’m inviting into my circle are
good friends who know me well and her
willing to be honest because my greatest
fear is that my family while grieving
won’t be able to write the right things
and they’re going to say and you may
need to know me to appreciate how wrong
this is
she was a tremendous homemaker she
wasn’t she was a wonderful mother she
you know always decorated the house for
Halloween or etc and and anyone who
knows me knows it’s just flat wrong
right it would say she hated bake sales
she decorated once for the holidays in
2011 and she will never get the mother
of the Year award but she would give
everything every last minute every last
dime to save someone she loves
and my father was the exact same way his
death two years ago was a complete
surprise and it shouldn’t have been he
wasn’t hit by truck and fall from a
plane it wasn’t lost to the Amazon he
had cancer he had cancer for years and
he didn’t beat it and yet my family my
tight-knit family was completely
surprised I think we were surprised for
several reasons we were surprised that
he
wasn’t immortal but he was the first to
go he would walk 18 holes of golf every
other day and he’d carry his own clubs
Hey
all brand every morning for breakfast I
just want you to stop for a bit there
because in my mind if you can eat all
bran we all know it you deserve to live
forever
we were we were surprised by the fact
that he went from our caregiver to our
care receiver and my big six and a half
foot tall strong father was able to let
the rest of us and even the rest of us
to dote on him and we were surprised
that our smart you know PhD law student
Wall Street brother entrepreneurial
father were completely unprepared the
truth of the matter is we shouldn’t have
been surprised right he had cancer 100
percent of us are born to people older
than us right and I kept trying to find
where maybe that wasn’t true so that
nobody would raise their hands and say
hey Stephanie actually I know someone
who was born to a baby there they were
saying babies it was true 100 percent of
us are born to someone older – older
than us and yet I felt like the world
didn’t prepare me for what was happening
to our family I kept looking and there
was no guidebook no road map 20 years
earlier I was pregnant with my oldest
daughter Isabella and I read this book
what to Expect When You’re Expecting
great it’s been around for 25 years 656
pages of everything you need to know
about nurturing the fetus birthing the
baby feeding the baby sending it to
school everything that you need to know
completely comprehensive so much
information that I be
to become paranoid of all the things
that could go wrong that had no idea
could even happen right got rid of the
book so my surprise when I was on the
other end of my life taking care of
someone that I had known far more than a
nine-month gestational period someone
who I loved and adored for decades and I
had know what to expect
I had no book where’s my what to expect
and I would retitle that book what to
expect that you are not expecting that
you should totally expect right now how
are we hidden by this and after it
happened I started to go crazy and
anybody who knows me knows all I did was
grab people saying hey what’s up with
your parents are they okay what’s your
plan for your parents are you do you
have a plan do you have a budget do you
fly Southwest that’s important Southwest
doesn’t charge change fees right and you
don’t know when you need to be someplace
you need to fly Southwest you need to
have this budget first chapter my book
would be you need to expect to be a
medical expert fast my first major
medical decision and I did not go to med
school wasn’t a small grey hospital room
in Savannah Georgia my parents were at a
dinner party and Saturday night we had
friends over for dinner that night as
well and I remember it because I look at
my phone I have a missed call from my
mom and a message and it’s Saturday
night and I don’t know about you guys my
parents don’t call on Saturday nights
they don’t want to impose they don’t
want to interrupt us and I didn’t even
have to listen to that message to know I
need to jump on a plane and get to
Savannah so I grabbed the first flight
from Dallas to Savannah we all did and
I’m in this little hospital room with my
uncle who’s my dad’s brother and very
best friend
my Gucci clad Wall Street brother which
you can only say when you’re from Iowa
because you were just not used to that
my mother who’s reading piles of Good
Housekeeping magazines pretending that
this isn’t really happening and in the
middle of the room is my father on the
bed right he’s the star of the show and
I remember looking at the room and
looking at my big strong on goal I’m a
very smart brother my mom and saying I
don’t know who loves him most we all
loved him so much and if love could cure
cancer my father would have jumped down
that bed and run out cancer-free but
instead his oncologist came in who I
would say also loved my father and this
young man is sitting at the bottom of my
dad’s bed and he says Bob I don’t think
there’s anything else we can do I don’t
think your body is strong enough to
endure more chemotherapy and these
conversations are always hardest when
the patient has beaten all odds to this
point I think you need to consider
hospice you know you can go to the
hospice facility on this side of town
and you can go home and Hospice comes to
you and my father says what if I went
home got stronger and came back for more
chemotherapy it’s heard that and before
that sweet oncologist could answer my
father my dad looks at me he goes Steph
what do you think
what do I think I’m in that’s what I
think you want to go home get stronger
I’ll make you stronger you want to come
back here and sit through more
chemotherapy I will sit through more
chemotherapy I’m gonna do everything I
can in my power to save you we went home
got some weights and then to that leg
lifts and everything that you need when
you’re on on bed rest and the next
chapter was written fairly quickly which
is quit your job plan to bring a job
because you can’t be in two places at
the same time and I didn’t be an island
off of Savannah Georgia I could be here
working raising three children and my
family and I wanted every ounce of me
wanted to be with my father ironically I
worked at the Dallas Women’s Foundation
so when I went to resign my CEO Rosalind
said I can’t let you quit our entire
mission is to empower women to keep them
from being financially vulnerable due to
their roles as caregivers and you’re
doing the very thing that we’re trying
to prevent go be with your dad the
caveat to that chapter or a quick short
chapter right after that would be hey
don’t expect that to happen
Forbes magazine just released an article
that a record number of 50 year old
women are leaving their careers to go
take care of their parents basically
what’s happening is we’re watching the
ship sink and we’re all jumping in it
and we’re trying to keep the water from
coming in and we’re trying to block it
all and meanwhile we’re moving so fast
and everything’s frantic and if we’d had
a plan it wouldn’t have to be that way
right because as hard as it was watching
my father die there were beautiful
moments that I would have missed out on
if I wasn’t there I remember when the
hospice doctor finally came to his house
I pulled her aside to another room and
without anybody hearing me said listen I
need to know how much time we have
now because I think you’re the crystal
ball and because I think you have any
godlike qualities but because I need to
make a very important decision while
he’s still coherent you see my father
took care of all of the financial
matters between my mother and my father
for 60 years and she doesn’t know where
everything is and he does and I have to
figure that out right now
and she and I said or I can talk to him
about the things that matter and she
said I think you should talk about the
things that matter I have found in my
experience that all the other things
fall into place but it wouldn’t even
have mattered what she responded with
because I would have talked to him about
the things that matter we had this these
wood kitchen stools in the kitchen and I
took a kitchen stool and I placed it
next to my father’s bed and I sat on
that stool and I hovered over his face
like a turkey vulture and that poor man
he couldn’t move right she’s my hostage
and every time his eyes would kind of
flutter I stopped him with I love yous
and I feel like at one point he raised
his hand like enough like when you’ve
eaten too many pancakes right like no
more Stefan with I love you tell him
you’re the greatest father ever ask him
how did you meet my mother I know how he
met my mother they were 13 years old and
they met at cotillion
everybody in my family my giant family
knows this story but I wanted to hear
his version of the love story in his
words and I had one chance to do it
right
it was a hard decision and I don’t
regret it for a minute I made that
decision so the next day when he passed
away I’m sitting on the living room
floor
about this space except you know I’ve
worn nothing but pajamas for six weeks
straight so imagine me and pajamas which
I didn’t wear today but I didn’t think
about wearing them sitting on the floor
and I’m surrounded with papers and
numbers just a mess and my mother walks
in and she stands in front of me and she
is petite to begin with but she’s even
more petite she looks frail and I
described this and my brother agreed
with me
she was anchor –less she had just over
73 and they’ve been together since they
were 13 and she’s looking at me like I’m
the lighthouse and she says your father
always assured me that we were going to
be okay and that we had enough you do
but in the back of my head was I just
got to find it right in that moment I
went from my father’s medical expert to
my mother’s financial archaeologist
right and I’m like what are all these
documents what is everything what did he
do for 20 years after he sold his
business he invested their money it was
everywhere at least to me it seemed that
way now my father knew exactly where it
was he knew where all those numbers were
he knew his financial advisors I didn’t
and my mom didn’t and I kept thinking
where are all these financial advisors
now and why aren’t they flying to this
island to help me take care of my mother
and if they would have arrived to the
island the second question I would have
asked them is why didn’t you budget for
love
you I see the investment strategies for
your retirement account sighs I see what
you’ve spent on college education from
me and Gucci all worth it
see what you spent on weddings I see all
this but nowhere in here do I see
budgeting for love budgeting for care
budgeting for cancer budgeting for a
daughter who’s gonna quit her job and
fly to this island or budgeting for a
nursing staff to come take care of you
full-time budgeting to stay in your home
and retrofit it so that you can live
with ease or budgeting for an expensive
assisted living facility I don’t see the
budget for that I got angry and angry at
this whole world that focuses so much on
what to expect when you’re expecting a
baby and nothing on caring for my
beloved 73 year old father angry that
the financial sector had us duped into
thinking that saving for retirement is
simply making sure that you have the
same amount of assets when you’re no
longer working and that’s what you need
or that you’re a lovely couple with you
know thick gray hair and big white teeth
and you you’re sailing off somewhere
together I hate the pictures are always
the same
I won’t grade that well my husband
really doesn’t have that much hair right
now
and I’m a mountain person not a water
person so even the picture is wrong for
me the whole thing was wrong
I wanted my what to expect now maybe
maybe they would come back and say your
father didn’t want to talk about aging
he didn’t want to talk about losing his
independence he didn’t want to talk
about cancer your mom definitely didn’t
want to talk about it okay I get that
it’s a hard topic and people don’t want
to talk about adult diapers I don’t want
to talk about Alzheimer’s and forgetting
the names of the people you love they
don’t want to talk about writing a will
dividing your assets and picking
somebody else to raise your children
instead of you I they don’t want to talk
about saying goodbye forever to the
people who need you and love you most
how are they supposed to do their jobs
if nobody’s going to talk about this how
are we going to talk about this the
final chapter what to expect is don’t
talk about it then don’t talk about it
talking about babies talk about babies
talk about being pregnant rub people’s
stomachs no matter what right
give an unsolicited advice
change the topic and change the
vocabulary right because people love
talking about that stuff so people must
love talking about love
talk about love Pokemon live instead
change the vocabulary to all this write
the story of your obituaries right right
and while your friends are around so you
can make sure that you’re in them you
might not know died unexpectedly or
hounded by people you love
you know you won’t know the fronts and
the and the bottoms and those of you who
read obituaries like I do you know
exactly what I’m talking about right
you’ll know the middle you can do the
middle but you can definitely rewrite
your will right you can definitely write
that part of your plan and you could
write it like a love letter and I’ll
give you my example step three children
and you have to put aside for a minute
and this has always been a big problem
for my children and I always have to you
can’t divide things equally amongst
three so somebody feel free to come up
to me afterwards can have that 1% that
nobody else gets but I’m gonna start
like this there Isabella
Jacqueline and Christian
if you know nothing else in life you
know how much I love you you are my
favorite people ever not because I birth
a deal because I’m far more objective
than that because you’re smart and
interesting and you make me laugh and I
love you equally but uniquely and so
I’ve divided up my assets equally but
uniquely and you if you think I’ve done
it wrong and work it out and michaleen
cuz if you don’t I’m gonna haunt you I
I’m gonna haunt you and you might have
to be one of my children to appreciate
this part but and if you think I’m scary
as a human mom huh wait time ago small
right of course I’ve have to do with
xoxo mom right change the vocabulary I
don’t think this book what to expect
that you aren’t expecting that you
totally need to expect it’s gonna be
hard to write father’s been gone for two
years somebody asked me other day when
did he pass away and I said he’s been
over for two years and they said it
seems like yesterday I said because I
talk about it all the time and I would
talk about it more if I was around
people all the time I don’t think it’s
gonna be hard to write and I refuse to
let it go unwritten I love the people I
love in the world they live in I would
give every minute every last second
every last dime to save someone
and the truth of the matter is they
deserve to know what to expect
[Applause]
love how people summarize their lives
I’m amazed that people can put those
words into one little column and every
character costs money so you have to be
very intentional about what words are
going in because it’s gonna cost money
if your name goes into someone’s
obituary that’s like five dollars you’re
away right I have friends who are
writers and I admire them and they’re in
these writing circles and I always tell
them I want my own writing circle but I
want it to be just obituaries I want to
write my own obituary and the only
people I’m inviting into my circle are
good friends who know me well and her
willing to be honest because my greatest
fear is that my family while grieving
won’t be able to write the right things
and they’re going to say and you may
need to know me to appreciate how wrong
this is
she was a tremendous homemaker she
wasn’t she was a wonderful mother she
you know always decorated the house for
Halloween or etc and and anyone who
knows me knows it’s just flat wrong
right it would say she hated bake sales
she decorated once for the holidays in
2011 and she will never get the mother
of the Year award but she would give
everything every last minute every last
dime to save someone she loves
and my father was the exact same way his
death two years ago was a complete
surprise and it shouldn’t have been he
wasn’t hit by truck and fall from a
plane it wasn’t lost to the Amazon he
had cancer he had cancer for years and
he didn’t beat it and yet my family my
tight-knit family was completely
surprised I think we were surprised for
several reasons we were surprised that
he
wasn’t immortal but he was the first to
go he would walk 18 holes of golf every
other day and he’d carry his own clubs
Hey
all brand every morning for breakfast I
just want you to stop for a bit there
because in my mind if you can eat all
bran we all know it you deserve to live
forever
we were we were surprised by the fact
that he went from our caregiver to our
care receiver and my big six and a half
foot tall strong father was able to let
the rest of us and even the rest of us
to dote on him and we were surprised
that our smart you know PhD law student
Wall Street brother entrepreneurial
father were completely unprepared the
truth of the matter is we shouldn’t have
been surprised right he had cancer 100
percent of us are born to people older
than us right and I kept trying to find
where maybe that wasn’t true so that
nobody would raise their hands and say
hey Stephanie actually I know someone
who was born to a baby there they were
saying babies it was true 100 percent of
us are born to someone older – older
than us and yet I felt like the world
didn’t prepare me for what was happening
to our family I kept looking and there
was no guidebook no road map 20 years
earlier I was pregnant with my oldest
daughter Isabella and I read this book
what to Expect When You’re Expecting
great it’s been around for 25 years 656
pages of everything you need to know
about nurturing the fetus birthing the
baby feeding the baby sending it to
school everything that you need to know
completely comprehensive so much
information that I be
to become paranoid of all the things
that could go wrong that had no idea
could even happen right got rid of the
book so my surprise when I was on the
other end of my life taking care of
someone that I had known far more than a
nine-month gestational period someone
who I loved and adored for decades and I
had know what to expect
I had no book where’s my what to expect
and I would retitle that book what to
expect that you are not expecting that
you should totally expect right now how
are we hidden by this and after it
happened I started to go crazy and
anybody who knows me knows all I did was
grab people saying hey what’s up with
your parents are they okay what’s your
plan for your parents are you do you
have a plan do you have a budget do you
fly Southwest that’s important Southwest
doesn’t charge change fees right and you
don’t know when you need to be someplace
you need to fly Southwest you need to
have this budget first chapter my book
would be you need to expect to be a
medical expert fast my first major
medical decision and I did not go to med
school wasn’t a small grey hospital room
in Savannah Georgia my parents were at a
dinner party and Saturday night we had
friends over for dinner that night as
well and I remember it because I look at
my phone I have a missed call from my
mom and a message and it’s Saturday
night and I don’t know about you guys my
parents don’t call on Saturday nights
they don’t want to impose they don’t
want to interrupt us and I didn’t even
have to listen to that message to know I
need to jump on a plane and get to
Savannah so I grabbed the first flight
from Dallas to Savannah we all did and
I’m in this little hospital room with my
uncle who’s my dad’s brother and very
best friend
my Gucci clad Wall Street brother which
you can only say when you’re from Iowa
because you were just not used to that
my mother who’s reading piles of Good
Housekeeping magazines pretending that
this isn’t really happening and in the
middle of the room is my father on the
bed right he’s the star of the show and
I remember looking at the room and
looking at my big strong on goal I’m a
very smart brother my mom and saying I
don’t know who loves him most we all
loved him so much and if love could cure
cancer my father would have jumped down
that bed and run out cancer-free but
instead his oncologist came in who I
would say also loved my father and this
young man is sitting at the bottom of my
dad’s bed and he says Bob I don’t think
there’s anything else we can do I don’t
think your body is strong enough to
endure more chemotherapy and these
conversations are always hardest when
the patient has beaten all odds to this
point I think you need to consider
hospice you know you can go to the
hospice facility on this side of town
and you can go home and Hospice comes to
you and my father says what if I went
home got stronger and came back for more
chemotherapy it’s heard that and before
that sweet oncologist could answer my
father my dad looks at me he goes Steph
what do you think
what do I think I’m in that’s what I
think you want to go home get stronger
I’ll make you stronger you want to come
back here and sit through more
chemotherapy I will sit through more
chemotherapy I’m gonna do everything I
can in my power to save you we went home
got some weights and then to that leg
lifts and everything that you need when
you’re on on bed rest and the next
chapter was written fairly quickly which
is quit your job plan to bring a job
because you can’t be in two places at
the same time and I didn’t be an island
off of Savannah Georgia I could be here
working raising three children and my
family and I wanted every ounce of me
wanted to be with my father ironically I
worked at the Dallas Women’s Foundation
so when I went to resign my CEO Rosalind
said I can’t let you quit our entire
mission is to empower women to keep them
from being financially vulnerable due to
their roles as caregivers and you’re
doing the very thing that we’re trying
to prevent go be with your dad the
caveat to that chapter or a quick short
chapter right after that would be hey
don’t expect that to happen
Forbes magazine just released an article
that a record number of 50 year old
women are leaving their careers to go
take care of their parents basically
what’s happening is we’re watching the
ship sink and we’re all jumping in it
and we’re trying to keep the water from
coming in and we’re trying to block it
all and meanwhile we’re moving so fast
and everything’s frantic and if we’d had
a plan it wouldn’t have to be that way
right because as hard as it was watching
my father die there were beautiful
moments that I would have missed out on
if I wasn’t there I remember when the
hospice doctor finally came to his house
I pulled her aside to another room and
without anybody hearing me said listen I
need to know how much time we have
now because I think you’re the crystal
ball and because I think you have any
godlike qualities but because I need to
make a very important decision while
he’s still coherent you see my father
took care of all of the financial
matters between my mother and my father
for 60 years and she doesn’t know where
everything is and he does and I have to
figure that out right now
and she and I said or I can talk to him
about the things that matter and she
said I think you should talk about the
things that matter I have found in my
experience that all the other things
fall into place but it wouldn’t even
have mattered what she responded with
because I would have talked to him about
the things that matter we had this these
wood kitchen stools in the kitchen and I
took a kitchen stool and I placed it
next to my father’s bed and I sat on
that stool and I hovered over his face
like a turkey vulture and that poor man
he couldn’t move right she’s my hostage
and every time his eyes would kind of
flutter I stopped him with I love yous
and I feel like at one point he raised
his hand like enough like when you’ve
eaten too many pancakes right like no
more Stefan with I love you tell him
you’re the greatest father ever ask him
how did you meet my mother I know how he
met my mother they were 13 years old and
they met at cotillion
everybody in my family my giant family
knows this story but I wanted to hear
his version of the love story in his
words and I had one chance to do it
right
it was a hard decision and I don’t
regret it for a minute I made that
decision so the next day when he passed
away I’m sitting on the living room
floor
about this space except you know I’ve
worn nothing but pajamas for six weeks
straight so imagine me and pajamas which
I didn’t wear today but I didn’t think
about wearing them sitting on the floor
and I’m surrounded with papers and
numbers just a mess and my mother walks
in and she stands in front of me and she
is petite to begin with but she’s even
more petite she looks frail and I
described this and my brother agreed
with me
she was anchor –less she had just over
73 and they’ve been together since they
were 13 and she’s looking at me like I’m
the lighthouse and she says your father
always assured me that we were going to
be okay and that we had enough you do
but in the back of my head was I just
got to find it right in that moment I
went from my father’s medical expert to
my mother’s financial archaeologist
right and I’m like what are all these
documents what is everything what did he
do for 20 years after he sold his
business he invested their money it was
everywhere at least to me it seemed that
way now my father knew exactly where it
was he knew where all those numbers were
he knew his financial advisors I didn’t
and my mom didn’t and I kept thinking
where are all these financial advisors
now and why aren’t they flying to this
island to help me take care of my mother
and if they would have arrived to the
island the second question I would have
asked them is why didn’t you budget for
love
you I see the investment strategies for
your retirement account sighs I see what
you’ve spent on college education from
me and Gucci all worth it
see what you spent on weddings I see all
this but nowhere in here do I see
budgeting for love budgeting for care
budgeting for cancer budgeting for a
daughter who’s gonna quit her job and
fly to this island or budgeting for a
nursing staff to come take care of you
full-time budgeting to stay in your home
and retrofit it so that you can live
with ease or budgeting for an expensive
assisted living facility I don’t see the
budget for that I got angry and angry at
this whole world that focuses so much on
what to expect when you’re expecting a
baby and nothing on caring for my
beloved 73 year old father angry that
the financial sector had us duped into
thinking that saving for retirement is
simply making sure that you have the
same amount of assets when you’re no
longer working and that’s what you need
or that you’re a lovely couple with you
know thick gray hair and big white teeth
and you you’re sailing off somewhere
together I hate the pictures are always
the same
I won’t grade that well my husband
really doesn’t have that much hair right
now
and I’m a mountain person not a water
person so even the picture is wrong for
me the whole thing was wrong
I wanted my what to expect now maybe
maybe they would come back and say your
father didn’t want to talk about aging
he didn’t want to talk about losing his
independence he didn’t want to talk
about cancer your mom definitely didn’t
want to talk about it okay I get that
it’s a hard topic and people don’t want
to talk about adult diapers I don’t want
to talk about Alzheimer’s and forgetting
the names of the people you love they
don’t want to talk about writing a will
dividing your assets and picking
somebody else to raise your children
instead of you I they don’t want to talk
about saying goodbye forever to the
people who need you and love you most
how are they supposed to do their jobs
if nobody’s going to talk about this how
are we going to talk about this the
final chapter what to expect is don’t
talk about it then don’t talk about it
talking about babies talk about babies
talk about being pregnant rub people’s
stomachs no matter what right
give an unsolicited advice
change the topic and change the
vocabulary right because people love
talking about that stuff so people must
love talking about love
talk about love Pokemon live instead
change the vocabulary to all this write
the story of your obituaries right right
and while your friends are around so you
can make sure that you’re in them you
might not know died unexpectedly or
hounded by people you love
you know you won’t know the fronts and
the and the bottoms and those of you who
read obituaries like I do you know
exactly what I’m talking about right
you’ll know the middle you can do the
middle but you can definitely rewrite
your will right you can definitely write
that part of your plan and you could
write it like a love letter and I’ll
give you my example step three children
and you have to put aside for a minute
and this has always been a big problem
for my children and I always have to you
can’t divide things equally amongst
three so somebody feel free to come up
to me afterwards can have that 1% that
nobody else gets but I’m gonna start
like this there Isabella
Jacqueline and Christian
if you know nothing else in life you
know how much I love you you are my
favorite people ever not because I birth
a deal because I’m far more objective
than that because you’re smart and
interesting and you make me laugh and I
love you equally but uniquely and so
I’ve divided up my assets equally but
uniquely and you if you think I’ve done
it wrong and work it out and michaleen
cuz if you don’t I’m gonna haunt you I
I’m gonna haunt you and you might have
to be one of my children to appreciate
this part but and if you think I’m scary
as a human mom huh wait time ago small
right of course I’ve have to do with
xoxo mom right change the vocabulary I
don’t think this book what to expect
that you aren’t expecting that you
totally need to expect it’s gonna be
hard to write father’s been gone for two
years somebody asked me other day when
did he pass away and I said he’s been
over for two years and they said it
seems like yesterday I said because I
talk about it all the time and I would
talk about it more if I was around
people all the time I don’t think it’s
gonna be hard to write and I refuse to
let it go unwritten I love the people I
love in the world they live in I would
give every minute every last second
every last dime to save someone
and the truth of the matter is they
deserve to know what to expect
[Applause]
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