young child how important is attachment
in a useless I will share my journey
with you and the answer to both
questions is immensely my name is Cory
and I’m 28 years old
I’m a recovering addict that’s been
diagnosed with complex post-traumatic
stress disorder along with a ton of
other acronym diagnosis the start of my
story has some pretty graphic details
and the reason I did not leave it out is
had a tremendous impact on my life
journey I did not understand my
post-traumatic stress disorder would
lead in the severe crystal meth
addiction but it sure did my story
starts in London Ontario where I was
born my mother was 16 years old my
father was in his thirties they tried
their hardest to raise me and my two
younger siblings London Ontario it was
Father’s Day 1990 beautiful sunny day my
mother and father managed an apartment
we lived in and they were responsible
for the pool that was just outside of
our patio that morning they made a
decision to close the pool and I guess
in hindsight this was a blessing or many
more people would have witnessed what
was about to happen
my aunt Michelle was visiting I walked
outside to hand her a doughnut just as I
walked outside the building shook a man
on the 16th storey jumped out his
bedroom window totally naked
he hit the fifth story railing and
severed both his legs before there was
time for anyone to react he hit the
ground right beside me I can still smell
the blood sometimes when I have this
damn dream that has terrorized me since
I was a little kid my Michelle being in
shock jumped up left me outside with his
man his body and printed on the ground
me as a two-year-old covered in blood
brain matter as you can imagine it was a
pretty brutal scene when the police
showed up they wouldn’t let my mom put
me in the shower for quite some time
because I was considered evidence
thankfully what we know now this would
never be allowed to happen
trauma-informed practice is something I
wish people knew about back then I would
see very little counseling he will
forget was the answer my mom goddess she
took me from Doctor to doctor trying to
figure out my night terrors we moved to
BC the following year without my father
everything was going good
other than being so full energy
stop moving which doesn’t really make a
lot of sense as I could never get a full
night’s sleep I was a healthy happy very
smart young man as many people told
myself and I’m going through elementary
school I was in accelerated classes
never had to open a book stirred the
part with minor scuffles with classmates
however being diagnosed with attention
deficit hyperactive disorder in grade 3
still I was in French immersion and a
straight-a student
one thing that held me back was I
dreaded going to sleep
it was awful waking up in fear
experiencing sleepwalking thinking where
am i waking up in the corner of the
living room or in a bathtub
I would always dream about a lot of
blood moaning sounds and wake up crying
I was never given any skills to deal
with my high energy and lack of
concentration I was however put on a
drug cartel the medications that I hated
and I thought my mom tooth and nail
every day as she tried to shove a pill
down my throat I started suffering
something called sleep paralysis once it
was happening every night my mom sat me
down and showed me this police reports
in the newspaper articles something
clicked that night it set off something
no one could have expected I remembered
everything I’ve had that dream almost
every single night – my time using
crystal meth where I did everything in
my power not to sleep sometimes I dream
the whole day sometimes just a loud thud
smell blood and I wake up crying I think
this was the start of my downfall I
leave out a lot of other traumas I
endured because most of them are still
too painful for me to speak about and
most happened after you started using
crystal meth I started to smoke pot in
grade 6 that summer I was in a lot of
fights with students I didn’t like
really started become more angry with
what was going on
started grade 7 I tried cocaine crystal
meth fell into my lap shortly after that
I remember my first hit I was high for
two days and I didn’t have to sleep and
then when I did sleep I didn’t dream I
loved it I remember waking up after the
first time using and not knowing where I
was somewhere in the small town of Alta
Grove Alaska living in my mom’s house
for a few months after starting to use
crystal meth then she kicked me out I
don’t really blame her my little brother
and sister were suffering immensely
because of me I was ripping off
everything I could
there’s nowhere to go I was 13 years old
I headed to Surrey not sure what it
would be there but I found a gang of
guys who helped me get some food and
offered me a place to stay I did not
know they were a real gang this part of
my story I leave out as I did many awful
things that I heard a lot of people I’m
staying in a shack and that Shack got
raided shortly after I remember I talked
to some police officers said I was
homeless and I ended up in the care of
the Ministry of Children and Family
Development we were such a reactive
system in regards to child and youth
mental health we do not intervene until
something bad happens why time money we
spend way more in repairing and I use
that word lightly damaged than
preventing it from happen the ministry
tried hard to help me every foster house
I went into I either used to open their
house rip him off again to a fight soon
my only options were high-risk foster
houses group homes safe houses were the
streets which I spent a ton of time on I
access service in this province all over
the place Langley Surrey New West
Vancouver Burnaby just to name a few I
went to detox a ton usually when I just
need a break
lots of alcohol and drug counselors
shrinks anger management groups
adolescent psychiatry units hospital
visits and even more trips to the ER via
ambulance due to overdose police
interactions therapists pill
combinations so many different types so
many different combinations trauma
therapy was shoved down my throat rehab
centers lots of them long term recovery
houses that I never lasted more than a
few days in jeez my social worker even
tried to send me up north to terrace in
Prince George recovery houses I tried
12-step programs I tried it all it
wasn’t until I was done that help
actually did something service providers
always looked at the actions drug use
violence committing crimes here’s a lost
cause is what I started to hear from
service providers it’s one thing that
was never introduced me back then was
mindfulness I sure wish it had been it
might have saved me a lot of grief
I always joke I’m the million dollar kid
if you add up all the services I
received in this province it’s probably
how much they spent on me to keep me
alive so I can be on this amazing stage
I’d never even heard about
important attachment was no worker tried
to build one with me I was always a
youth getting serviced then it was on to
the next kid never felt like a real
person I always felt like a number in
the system I had very few times from 12
until 18 I was clean longer than a week
maybe a couple of weeks a couple of
times I remember one of the worst things
was having to repeat my story to these
professionals that I felt like just
didn’t care also I remember there was
more than once I thought I was done I
would reach out for help and imagine
this a waitlist along with that
something else that really stands out to
me from being about 15 as I saw this one
alcohol and drug counselor his damn
chair was so much higher than mine I
felt like he was looking down at me even
though looking back he probably was at
this time it would have had face scabs
possibly even a visible track mark but
it made me feel like crap I laughed and
I never went back guess what never
happened the right hand and the left
hand never talked about what was going
on with me they worked in total silos
this is why I’m currently involved in a
project called the Child and Youth
mental health and substance use
collaborative happened happening here in
every time I managed to get sober my
dreams got worse my anger got worse
my anxiety got WAY worse I concluded I
was better hi workers from all sorts of
fields wanted to treat my addiction as
the problem when I was 16 my goal is to
stay alive till my 19th birthday I
honestly had to try and make this goal I
really didn’t think I would make it I
contemplated suicide on more than one
occasion I’m sure that people just
looked at me as a GAC editor a speed
freak for a really a long time it
wouldn’t even cross people’s minds it
was the only way I knew how to survive
these damn dreams I still experience
would have driven me mad
drugs saved my life and nearly took it
all at the same time and I understand
that’s a tough concept to get that’s
definitely enough about the bad stuff so
what worked how did I clean up well I
got someone pregnant when I was 17 years
old just a baby having a baby I kept
using until just before my beautiful
daughter was born she was born May 12
2006 my clean date is May 10 2006 two
days before my daughter was born she
gave me a reason to try and live
but last time using I remember had been
high for about six days I often lost
track of days and I managed to call this
guy Carrie he ran an anger management
program I had to do when I was 13 to
avoid being kicked out of the ministry
Karen too avoided jail sentence I don’t
know why I stood out to me back then and
I’m sure happy he did I called him and
he said there are youth out there that
want help and if you don’t nothing I say
or do will try will change that I think
I was in New West he came and picked me
up we started to call detox centers
I felt safe with this man I felt we
quickly built an attachment something I
now know is the most important thing in
the u s– life I got into detox and I
remember I was gonna leave to get high
but I called him first do you want to
die
he asked me bluntly at this time I
weighed under a hundred pounds already
on death’s door I said some explicit
words and I hung up the phone I went to
leave and I stopped and thought do I
want to die I didn’t so I stayed this
man has never sugar-coated anything with
me since that day we’ve built an
extremely healthy bond and attachment he
provided me a safe place to stay and
guess what he then pressed me on my
traumas he didn’t press me on anything
would usually just shoot the sushi
and good conversation it’s amazing how
something so simple helped turn my life
around they’re doing this my therapy
started not what they call clinical
therapy real life they’re cool with
Carrie I started to look into
mindfulness learned about yoga and
meditation try things like float tanks
when I started to practice mindfulness
in my life my life changed very very
quickly I can now sit still longer than
five minutes not that any of you can
tell
I do however always drive for progress
not perfection ha yoga meditation I
always chuckle about that if that was
introduced to me at 12 to 18 I probably
would have laughed in their face but can
you imagine that when I got into
kindergarten it was explained to the
staff that I had witnessed such a brutal
act of violence at such a young age and
I might struggle and it was introduced
to me at 5 years old
I didn’t start to practice mindfulness
until my early twenties kind of saved me
a lot of trouble and the system if I do
you I do yoga every day and if I don’t
my girlfriend she’ll be a very quickly
reminds me to be centered and to do it
now if I don’t meditate she says the
same thing it is amazing to me that my
family feels the impact of my
mindfulness so the last 10 years I’ve
stayed in touch with care and is now
four he runs a program that’s now for
kids that don’t fit in the box I always
say what box
there isn’t a box with mental health and
addiction I recently had a breakthrough
and I stated Who am I without my trauma
without my addiction because that’s all
I felt I was he just smiled and said who
knows but you wouldn’t be doing what
you’re doing now he was referring to me
helping with the child in youth mental
health and substance use collaborative
happening here in BC sitting on a local
Action Team speaking in front of all of
you about attachment yoga meditation
being absolute lifesavers we used about
keeping it simple creating safe places
for youth to come where they aren’t
pressured again about yoga and
meditation about being something so
amazing that helped change my life about
something as simple as learning how to
take a real bath I was never taught that
waitlist should not be tolerated
if a youth reaches out for help they
need to be able to access
that medication should not be a first
reaction these are things that yeah for
me maybe wouldn’t have been super
effective but for what I am seeing in
other youth this is really working we
have to reduce stigma we are people to
some days I look back in my life and try
and figure out why me
some days I still search for answers to
why but as of today I do think my
journey has led to me to speak to all of
you about no kid is too bad to recover
don’t let go of that kid that you think
isn’t gonna make it I’m so grateful we
as a province are recognizing the
current system of Child and Youth mental
health has a long way to go so there’s
some pretty amazing news I sit and as a
co-chair on the Langley local action
team and they asked me to be a youth
advocate in the new Langley youth hub
that we opened here in May I graciously
accepted I get to teach youth the skills
I learned in regards to mindfulness we
do yoga once a week we practice
meditation breathing exercises so simple
out of everything I think I’m the most
proud of this I get to teach youth the
skills that I was never taught and for
what I am seeing it is changing their
lives every day that’s about a tenth of
my story I experienced a lot of pain in
my addiction of my mental health journey
but I caused even more today I am so
grateful I did not die before my 19th
birthday so grateful every youth
deserves dignity well being treated for
addiction and mental health problems thank you very much