[Music]
pop your hands up if you or a family
member or a friend have been affected by
a lifelong health condition I would
think nearly everybody have you had to
have a conversation with somebody or
maybe with a young person because
somebody’s been diagnosed or being given
the news that they’re living with a
lifelong health condition again probably
most of us have had to do that what if
you could have a conversation with
somebody that could possibly prevent
them living with a lifelong health
condition would you grab that
opportunity
okay
I really passionately believe in the
power of conversation being one of the
best prevention tools we have as human
beings we can converse we can talk
I appreciate it’s ironic standing here
delivering a monologue when I’m
advocating for dialogue to put this into
context I want to talk to you today
about sex and about sexual health and if
we’re talking about as brits here that
tends to turn is off but I hope you’ll
keep listening sex actually turned my
life upside down 12 years ago my life
was turned upside down because of sex we
all know there are outcomes of sex we
all are the outcomes of two people
having had sex even if we don’t want to
think what our parents were doing nine
months before we were born for me there
were three major outcomes of sex so 12
years ago in an 18-month period I became
a mum I became a widow and I was
diagnosed with HIV three major
implications to my life of sex life was
turned upside down
my beautiful son he sat here today
cringing that his mother’s constantly
banging on about sex and sexual health
the death of my partner to an
aids-defining infection and my own
lifelong health condition I’m living
with HIV I used that story now and it’s
taken me all around the world to share
my story and how our precious family of
three became a family of two and how
that happened and why that happened in
the conversations that we can have that
actually might prevent that happening to
another family
if we go back 12 years and I’ll share a
little story Benjamin my partner had
been at work on the Friday and he came
home complaining of a headache and he
went to bed
I thought he had man flu and I really
felt that’s how serious it was and man
flu is very serious if you’ve ever
suffered from it so he went to bed but
by the Sunday so two days later he
clearly wasn’t well and so we had to
call for an ambulance and we were taken
to the hospital he was poked and prodded
and tested and interrogated as they
tried to decide what I noticed was wrong
with him
they didn’t know they couldn’t work it
out but he was declining and three days
later in a neurological intensive care
unit they said we don’t know what is
wrong with him and we’re only going to
find out through the post mortem
Benjamin died five hours later
peacefully calmly in a side room and we
left none the wiser it took five months
for the coroner’s report to come through
and I went to the GP to sit with him to
go through this document they’re quite
weighty they’re quite macabre I also
found it fascinating but I also had no
idea walking into that GP appointment
that life was once again going to turn
upside down life really did turn upside
down because not only did I walk out of
the GP surgery clutching the coroner’s
report I also walked out with a piece of
paper sending me for a blood test to be
tested for HIV something which had never
entered my consciousness my thought
processes it wasn’t in my life on my
only touch point of hate Jovie at that
point was mark Fowler in EastEnders
so off I went to be tested my tests came
up positive and so of course our child
had to go for testing to buy whatever
miracle they HIV negative and I will I’m
grateful every day that that’s how that
panned out
but it also meant then I could actually
focus on him okay I’m now a single
parent I’m now living with a lifelong
hugely stigmatized health condition
what’s next how do I deal with this and
what I chose to do was I went through a
local support group and I spoke to them
and through that group the BBC got in
touch and they were really struggling to
find somebody who ticked the boxes that
I tick I am a heterosexual white woman
living with HIV and they couldn’t find
somebody who ticked those boxes that was
willing to stand up and say I’m living
with this virus
I don’t tend to do things by halves and
so when they asked if I would take part
in the program
I said yes Jenny and I spent the day was
Stephen Fry at her house and we had a
great day and they filmed and we talked
and we conversed and we chatted about
all sorts far beyond the few minutes
that made it into the program and
actually it was a really empowering
experience to take part and to stand up
and say actually people please hear what
I have to say please consider it please
maybe go get tested that was the start
of my sort of public speaking and
opening up about I mean what happened
our little family and our story so as I
said since then I was taking me all
around the world to share what happened
to us and a couple of years ago I set up
a social enterprise because I truly
believe in the power of conversation and
enabling conversations so what myself
and our team do is we encourage young
people and the professionals who work
with them to tackle the conversations
that actually lots of adults would much
rather avoid and just not have and
that’s not good enough
so the favorite part of my job my faith
days in not in the office are when I get
to go into secondary schools and I get
to sit with young people and talk to
them and hear what they’re up to
and what am i hearing it’s frightening
we have a generation failed we have a
generation with very little if not zero
sexual health bullet they have very
often poor communication skills and they
need help with all of those things to
actually have the healthy happy lives
that they’ve truly deserve and should be
we all want those things for our
children and for our young people and
for our next generations these young
people also don’t have awareness of the
the icebergs and the tombstone campaigns
when the HIV epidemic hit in the 80s
it may service in this room will
remember those days are gone and these
young people are not high risk enough to
warrant a dedicated campaign talking to
them so what I see in schools is often
that they may learn about HIV when we’re
looking at this specifically as a virus
and they may have a very much a biology
based lesson so they may see this is
what a virus looks like this is how it
replicates and this is the job it does
that’s all well and good but that piece
of Education is not going to keep you
safe when you want to get jiggy and
intimate with somebody so they may then
learn about condoms and actually what
that tends to look like if they do do
that in schools is that the child was
sitting in the back of the class and
somebody over there will really
awkwardly put a condom on something that
looks nothing like many penises
I’ve ever seen and expect through
osmosis that I will learn that technique
there aren’t many techniques do we
expect people to learn through watching
it once and never again heaven forbid if
we taught first aid in that way it would
be you know the outcomes would be
frightening so what do I want to see and
what do I talk to about talk to young
people about well actually we have a
very different-looking toolkit in the UK
today and that toolkit contains five
main things the first one it’s a given
that we need to be talking about condoms
but we need to talk beyond conception
prevention and the heteronormative
language of mummy and daddy and actually
what we’re preventing is pregnancy
because it does a disservice to all of
the the range of genders and sexualities
that we have that actually a condom
doesn’t necessarily apply to or actually
the act that you’re doing is a condom
the appropriate one so that’s something
we need to explore beyond
the second one is testing and actually
accessing sexual health services because
that’s there’s mythical places they do
exist are often crowded crowded in
mystery and shame and stigma we need to
educate young people to actually access
and turn to support to get help and
actually talk to people about their
sexual health in the same way a young
person I would hope would turn quite
happily to call the GP or to make a
dentist appointment sexual health needs
to become akin to those things to live
well the third thing that we’re looking
at then is treatment as prevention and
actually myself as a hecho pasar
hiv-positive woman on treatment if I
maintain my treatment and for six months
maintain an undetectable viral load
which means if you test my blood you
will find an undetectable level of the
virus
I’m actually not infectious to a sexual
partner and that’s massive news because
by increasing testing and increase in
people and treatment we could actually
end new infection why would we not want
that so the next one is another use of
treatment which actually helps people
maintain their HIV negative status and
again young people are not learning that
these two tools exist a little bit like
the contraceptive pill you can have the
contraceptive pill that you take on a
regular basis to prevent conception you
can also take the morning-after pill
after the event when you think okay
maybe I need some some coverage here and
actually we have treatments available to
do a similar job to prevent HIV
infection treatments that can be taken
before or after exposure to prevent a
HIV positive diagnosis again why are
young people not learning that we have
these tools available and actually they
might be appropriate to them they’re not
appropriate for everybody in the same
way the contraceptive pill isn’t but
they are options and options are always
better
now the most important parts of this
toolkit for me is the fifth component
and this component is exactly what I’m
advocating for it’s having a
conversation because if we don’t have
the skills to talk to one another then
they are the relationship part of sex
education when I firmly believe in
putting the are at the beginning not the
s re that we talk about actually means
that we can then have the skills and the
ability to have really healthy
relationships in every part of our life
whether that’s with friends with
intimate lovers with family you know in
workplaces because actually if we can
have a conversation we can negotiate
consent we can talk about our likes and
our desires and our pleasure we can talk
about negotiating risk and actually
what’s appropriate for ourselves because
our levels of risk everybody in this
room will have a different level it also
means that we can talk about what’s
important to us and actually what’s
appropriate and what’s not why would we
not want to open up that conversation
and have those skills to allow people to
have really good conversations and yes
they main use those skills to talk about
sex and heaven forbid what’s the worst
thing that can happen they may not live
with a lifelong health condition so I’d
like to ask you again if you had the
opportunity to sit with somebody and
have a conversation that may prevent
that person living with a lifelong
health condition would you grab the
opportunity thank you
[Applause]
you
pop your hands up if you or a family
member or a friend have been affected by
a lifelong health condition I would
think nearly everybody have you had to
have a conversation with somebody or
maybe with a young person because
somebody’s been diagnosed or being given
the news that they’re living with a
lifelong health condition again probably
most of us have had to do that what if
you could have a conversation with
somebody that could possibly prevent
them living with a lifelong health
condition would you grab that
opportunity
okay
I really passionately believe in the
power of conversation being one of the
best prevention tools we have as human
beings we can converse we can talk
I appreciate it’s ironic standing here
delivering a monologue when I’m
advocating for dialogue to put this into
context I want to talk to you today
about sex and about sexual health and if
we’re talking about as brits here that
tends to turn is off but I hope you’ll
keep listening sex actually turned my
life upside down 12 years ago my life
was turned upside down because of sex we
all know there are outcomes of sex we
all are the outcomes of two people
having had sex even if we don’t want to
think what our parents were doing nine
months before we were born for me there
were three major outcomes of sex so 12
years ago in an 18-month period I became
a mum I became a widow and I was
diagnosed with HIV three major
implications to my life of sex life was
turned upside down
my beautiful son he sat here today
cringing that his mother’s constantly
banging on about sex and sexual health
the death of my partner to an
aids-defining infection and my own
lifelong health condition I’m living
with HIV I used that story now and it’s
taken me all around the world to share
my story and how our precious family of
three became a family of two and how
that happened and why that happened in
the conversations that we can have that
actually might prevent that happening to
another family
if we go back 12 years and I’ll share a
little story Benjamin my partner had
been at work on the Friday and he came
home complaining of a headache and he
went to bed
I thought he had man flu and I really
felt that’s how serious it was and man
flu is very serious if you’ve ever
suffered from it so he went to bed but
by the Sunday so two days later he
clearly wasn’t well and so we had to
call for an ambulance and we were taken
to the hospital he was poked and prodded
and tested and interrogated as they
tried to decide what I noticed was wrong
with him
they didn’t know they couldn’t work it
out but he was declining and three days
later in a neurological intensive care
unit they said we don’t know what is
wrong with him and we’re only going to
find out through the post mortem
Benjamin died five hours later
peacefully calmly in a side room and we
left none the wiser it took five months
for the coroner’s report to come through
and I went to the GP to sit with him to
go through this document they’re quite
weighty they’re quite macabre I also
found it fascinating but I also had no
idea walking into that GP appointment
that life was once again going to turn
upside down life really did turn upside
down because not only did I walk out of
the GP surgery clutching the coroner’s
report I also walked out with a piece of
paper sending me for a blood test to be
tested for HIV something which had never
entered my consciousness my thought
processes it wasn’t in my life on my
only touch point of hate Jovie at that
point was mark Fowler in EastEnders
so off I went to be tested my tests came
up positive and so of course our child
had to go for testing to buy whatever
miracle they HIV negative and I will I’m
grateful every day that that’s how that
panned out
but it also meant then I could actually
focus on him okay I’m now a single
parent I’m now living with a lifelong
hugely stigmatized health condition
what’s next how do I deal with this and
what I chose to do was I went through a
local support group and I spoke to them
and through that group the BBC got in
touch and they were really struggling to
find somebody who ticked the boxes that
I tick I am a heterosexual white woman
living with HIV and they couldn’t find
somebody who ticked those boxes that was
willing to stand up and say I’m living
with this virus
I don’t tend to do things by halves and
so when they asked if I would take part
in the program
I said yes Jenny and I spent the day was
Stephen Fry at her house and we had a
great day and they filmed and we talked
and we conversed and we chatted about
all sorts far beyond the few minutes
that made it into the program and
actually it was a really empowering
experience to take part and to stand up
and say actually people please hear what
I have to say please consider it please
maybe go get tested that was the start
of my sort of public speaking and
opening up about I mean what happened
our little family and our story so as I
said since then I was taking me all
around the world to share what happened
to us and a couple of years ago I set up
a social enterprise because I truly
believe in the power of conversation and
enabling conversations so what myself
and our team do is we encourage young
people and the professionals who work
with them to tackle the conversations
that actually lots of adults would much
rather avoid and just not have and
that’s not good enough
so the favorite part of my job my faith
days in not in the office are when I get
to go into secondary schools and I get
to sit with young people and talk to
them and hear what they’re up to
and what am i hearing it’s frightening
we have a generation failed we have a
generation with very little if not zero
sexual health bullet they have very
often poor communication skills and they
need help with all of those things to
actually have the healthy happy lives
that they’ve truly deserve and should be
we all want those things for our
children and for our young people and
for our next generations these young
people also don’t have awareness of the
the icebergs and the tombstone campaigns
when the HIV epidemic hit in the 80s
it may service in this room will
remember those days are gone and these
young people are not high risk enough to
warrant a dedicated campaign talking to
them so what I see in schools is often
that they may learn about HIV when we’re
looking at this specifically as a virus
and they may have a very much a biology
based lesson so they may see this is
what a virus looks like this is how it
replicates and this is the job it does
that’s all well and good but that piece
of Education is not going to keep you
safe when you want to get jiggy and
intimate with somebody so they may then
learn about condoms and actually what
that tends to look like if they do do
that in schools is that the child was
sitting in the back of the class and
somebody over there will really
awkwardly put a condom on something that
looks nothing like many penises
I’ve ever seen and expect through
osmosis that I will learn that technique
there aren’t many techniques do we
expect people to learn through watching
it once and never again heaven forbid if
we taught first aid in that way it would
be you know the outcomes would be
frightening so what do I want to see and
what do I talk to about talk to young
people about well actually we have a
very different-looking toolkit in the UK
today and that toolkit contains five
main things the first one it’s a given
that we need to be talking about condoms
but we need to talk beyond conception
prevention and the heteronormative
language of mummy and daddy and actually
what we’re preventing is pregnancy
because it does a disservice to all of
the the range of genders and sexualities
that we have that actually a condom
doesn’t necessarily apply to or actually
the act that you’re doing is a condom
the appropriate one so that’s something
we need to explore beyond
the second one is testing and actually
accessing sexual health services because
that’s there’s mythical places they do
exist are often crowded crowded in
mystery and shame and stigma we need to
educate young people to actually access
and turn to support to get help and
actually talk to people about their
sexual health in the same way a young
person I would hope would turn quite
happily to call the GP or to make a
dentist appointment sexual health needs
to become akin to those things to live
well the third thing that we’re looking
at then is treatment as prevention and
actually myself as a hecho pasar
hiv-positive woman on treatment if I
maintain my treatment and for six months
maintain an undetectable viral load
which means if you test my blood you
will find an undetectable level of the
virus
I’m actually not infectious to a sexual
partner and that’s massive news because
by increasing testing and increase in
people and treatment we could actually
end new infection why would we not want
that so the next one is another use of
treatment which actually helps people
maintain their HIV negative status and
again young people are not learning that
these two tools exist a little bit like
the contraceptive pill you can have the
contraceptive pill that you take on a
regular basis to prevent conception you
can also take the morning-after pill
after the event when you think okay
maybe I need some some coverage here and
actually we have treatments available to
do a similar job to prevent HIV
infection treatments that can be taken
before or after exposure to prevent a
HIV positive diagnosis again why are
young people not learning that we have
these tools available and actually they
might be appropriate to them they’re not
appropriate for everybody in the same
way the contraceptive pill isn’t but
they are options and options are always
better
now the most important parts of this
toolkit for me is the fifth component
and this component is exactly what I’m
advocating for it’s having a
conversation because if we don’t have
the skills to talk to one another then
they are the relationship part of sex
education when I firmly believe in
putting the are at the beginning not the
s re that we talk about actually means
that we can then have the skills and the
ability to have really healthy
relationships in every part of our life
whether that’s with friends with
intimate lovers with family you know in
workplaces because actually if we can
have a conversation we can negotiate
consent we can talk about our likes and
our desires and our pleasure we can talk
about negotiating risk and actually
what’s appropriate for ourselves because
our levels of risk everybody in this
room will have a different level it also
means that we can talk about what’s
important to us and actually what’s
appropriate and what’s not why would we
not want to open up that conversation
and have those skills to allow people to
have really good conversations and yes
they main use those skills to talk about
sex and heaven forbid what’s the worst
thing that can happen they may not live
with a lifelong health condition so I’d
like to ask you again if you had the
opportunity to sit with somebody and
have a conversation that may prevent
that person living with a lifelong
health condition would you grab the
opportunity thank you
[Applause]
you
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