this is my grandmother she had nine
children my mother is the one on the top
right
she had my brother and I quite young and
my second brother in her late 30s babies
and our family were adored and abundant
in fact I over have over twenty first
cousins even as a child I always knew I
wanted to be mother so I assumed get
getting pregnant was the easy part but
not getting pregnant before I was ready
was crucial
when I married my husband Steven at age
thirty we figured we had no reason to
rush we started trying in 2003 when I
was 32
I was so optimistic that I bought the
book what to Expect When You’re
Expecting after a month during routine
annual physical my OB suggested we not
wait a full year before we thought about
seeing a fertility specialist if I
didn’t get pregnant and I thought what
are you talking about my grandmother had
nine kids turns out that my grandmother
and my mother’s fertility had nothing to
do with mine I had to learn the hard way
that I had spent most of my life trying
not to get pregnant I had no idea that
fertility in women begins to decline in
our mid 20s and drops sharply after 35
this chart steep angle tells part of
what may have been happening with me so
we entered the rotten world of
infertility quietly like most people do
afraid to admit that we couldn’t get
pregnant like everyone else we told no
one and cringed when we were asked why
we didn’t have kids
despite being nervous about taking any
medication risk of multiples and unknown
long-term side effects the first drug I
was prescribed was clomid I think lots
of hormones lots of eggs and lots of
side effects
I took three cycles of clomid and didn’t
get pregnant it was time to up the ante
in the next procedure I you I you’re
jacked up on more hormones that you and
Rhett inject directly into your belly
twice a day in order to produce more
eggs sperm is then placed directly in
your uterus while you’re on a cold
medical room staring staring at the
ceiling tile it’s not exactly romantic
in fact I hated it I hated the small
needles I hated the giant intramuscular
needles the bruising the hormone patches
pills night sweats weight gain
I hated the endless fighting with
insurance companies and I hated how sad
and alone I felt out of sheer exhaustion
I think we started sharing our struggles
it was difficult fielding unsolicited
advice like you’ll be fine my friend’s
cousin got pregnant at 42 or why don’t
you just adopt or you need to just relax
despite our pain we marched on and
although we felt so isolated we were in
fact not marching alone one in eight
couples struggle with infertility one in
eight the CDC finds that the number of
women in the United States aged 15 to 44
that experienced infertility is 6.7
million we were getting frustrated so we
did research alternative therapies seem
promising so we went to Boston to
consult the Chinese herbalist I drank
tea that I’m pretty sure was dirt I
received acupuncture stopped running for
a while which was a bad idea I meditated
and did yoga which was a good idea our
calendar year went like this I UI one
failed iy 2 failed take a month off and
exhausted
iy three failed take a few months off
start antidepressants iy four failed
take another month or three off i ui5
bull’s-eye
this was in fact the tasteful way we
chose to tell our parents that I was
finally pregnant our first ultrasound
confirmed that I was in fact pregnant
with triplets despite my panic over
having multiples I grew to embrace the
idea of our little three pack began a
pregnancy journal and made a list of
baby names Alex Katie Sam
Elizabeth Shane Tierney I was incredibly
nauseous and exhausted like any other
pregnant woman I was thrilled and my
eight-week appointment the ultrasound
tech told us that one of the heartbeats
had stopped this news was devastating
but we figured there are two other
babies and they’ll be fine however at
the next ultrasound the other two
heartbeats had slowed they told me to go
home for the weekend and see how things
looked on Monday my Monday the other two
heartbeats had stopped I had lost all
three we planted crocuses that would
come up the early in the early spring
the time the babies would have been born
I was utterly distraught as you can
imagine but eventually I thought well at
least I got pregnant and I still had
some hope the next step is IVF and in
this procedure your surge if you
surgically remove an egg fertilize it in
a lab and then return it to uterus once
it’s dividing properly after the fourth
IVF failed our doctor called us in to
discuss next steps my chart red
decreased ovarian reserve just kind of
like a catch-all
this meant that given my age my eggs
were not of the quantity or quality that
you would expect no one knew why then
she said something I’ll never forget you
should consider donor egg or adoption
and I can recall the details of that
conversation so vividly I felt like my
support team had given up I thought have
my husband’s sperm fertilize an egg from
another woman are you kidding this
sounded like science fiction and I was
sure she was wrong and just not trying
hard enough
Stephen again did extensive research
he’s good at that
and found a leading fertility doctor in
Boston after reviewing our giant file he
confirmed our previous doctor’s
recommendation to tried donor egg but
said he would support us if we wanted to
give my eggs one last try a new team a
big-name Hospital and renewed hope of
course I would try again
we drove four hours round-trip for ten
minute ultrasounds time and time again
more needles more hormones more fighting
with insurance companies they placed our
last hope embryo in my uterus and we
were instructed to return two weeks for
a blood test to see if it took they
recommended against using at-home
pregnancy tests we did not listen
friends and family were as elated as we
were finally it was our time I drove
again to Boston to get the ultrasound
around two months to see our little baby
growing but the look on the Tech’s face
we could tell that it was again for us
bad news it was a silent long ride home
in April of 2008 I lost another
pregnancy this time we planted a
Japanese maple tree despite being
emotionally raw we decided to attend a
seminar aimed at those considering donor
egg or adoption couple after couples
shared their painful infertility stories
that ended with Parenthood I asked
through tears what does it feel like not
to be able to pass on your own genes
that were so important to me your family
history and how could you ever recover
from that loss couple after coupler
assured me once you have your child that
loss isn’t and is important but at that
point I didn’t believe them after the
conference one generous couple who has
two boys through donor egg invited us
over to their home they were sincere and
very funny so we decided to take them up
on the offer what did we have to lose at
this point they apologized for the toys
everywhere they put the kids to bed it
and we talked about hard the first three
months of Parenthood can be but what
about being so different the husband
Larry’s replies edged in my memory
forever don’t
me wrong he said our kids are weird but
it isn’t because of how they were
conceived he’s great and he doesn’t
remember saying that it’s so changed my
life through the kindness of strangers
we imagined ourselves jumping in so
donor-egg it is and again we were not as
alone as we thought we were between 2005
and 2014 the number of cycles performed
using donor egg increased almost 27
percent interestingly the CDC reported
in January of 2016 that for the first
time ever the birth rate of women in
their 30s was greater than those in
their 20s this is a significant shift
that may also lead to more use of
assisted reproductive technologies we
then began the conversation with our
fertility clinic back here in
Springfield to review anonymous
potential donors Stephen and I
considered what traits and medical
history were priorities to us and put
our faith in the nurse was screening and
would match us with a donor a few weeks
later I was having my first photography
exhibit in the middle of the evening my
cousin Marie approached me and said I
heard you were looking for some eggs I’m
not that tall but my SAT scores are
really good through my father Murray had
learned of our struggles and she stepped
forward
it’s a moment so utterly generous at
such a dark time in my life that
remembering is always overwhelming
despite the potential risks to family
relationships I decided that the idea of
having a donor I was related to was
preferable I would be able to have some
genes in common with our child I could
contact Murray about family medical
history and our baby would never have
unknown gaps in her genealogy he was a
lawyer bright thoughtful woman who
clearly understood the ramifications of
egg donor
I took comfort in that but still it was
my husband’s sperm and her egg and that
was so difficult to wrap my head around
sometimes but at this point we had been
through so much
that the idea of being at the forefront
of fertility science and family making
seemed surmountable compared to our life
where I could never get pregnant and
give birth on the day of the transfer I
was again optimistic after fertilization
the team chose the best embryo out of
the two and placed it in my uterus I
sobbed when the procedure was complete
as I had done every single time before
now we wait she was worth the wait
during my pregnancy and even right after
the birth I worried the tyranny was not
fully mine that anxiety grew when a few
people referred to Marie incorrectly as
the real mother however my insecurity
about being so different was replaced
with the reality of breastfeeding every
four hours
poop explosions and the most
overwhelming love like I have never
experienced
Tierney’s now seven and she is a strong
inquisitive thoughtful girl without the
slightest exaggeration we are grateful
for her every day of our life about two
years later we were ready to roll the
dice again with our second embryo and
given the success with tyranny I was
sure we would get pregnant again but I
was devastated once again remarkably
another one of my cousins from the other
side of my family Kelsey offered to help
this time despite being almost half my
age she appreciated the pain we didn’t
doored
we were overwhelmed to be lucky twice
plus she was good buddies with tyranny
the first transfer with Kelsey’s eggs
did not work and all the previous
disappointments reemerged we waited and
tried the second embryo when I had been
pregnant for several months we literally
had a bonfire with the mountains of
paperwork that we had accumulated from
over a decade of infertility we weren’t
done
here is Elizabeth and Elizabeth sang
cheese
Elizabeth eating black cake and
Elizabeth not using her gentle hands
with her sister Elizabeth is three and
very funny and I will say strong-willed
she’s perfect
she squeals with delight when she hears
her sisters up in the morning and some
days I think my chest could burst when I
see them together when they’re not
punching each other we are now the
regular parents we worried we would
never be and this is our beautiful mess
she only has one shoe on we dragged
through vomit covered nights we lose our
patience and we forget to fill out
school forms tyranny has memorized every
single Lego Star Wars Episode that
exists and Elizabeth wears bathing suits
in our house 12 months out of the year
for some reason I don’t know why Larry
was right our kids are weird and it has
nothing to do with how they were
conceived and they know how they were
conceived
we have always told them their
conception stories and in fact they will
be quite surprised to know that two
people can make a baby without the help
of a team of doctors and a donor I’m not
the same person I was before all of this
I wish infertility wasn’t something that
I had only heard about because it was
happening to me
I wish I hadn’t felt so alone so what do
I do with that well I want better for
couples going forward and I wish there
was more awareness about the prevalence
of infertility I know that nothing can
take away the pain of an empty crib but
I also know that generous listening can
dissolve shame and change lives
I run an infertility Support Group and I
have seen that firsthand University of
Houston research professor dr. Renee
Brown my TED talk hero puts it like this
shame depends on me buying into the
belief that I am alone shame cannot
survive being spoken and met with
empathy
I’m not alone there are millions and
millions of us and I’m here to say that
I’m done with fertility shame I’m here
to speak that unspoken I had
miscarriages I was infertile and it
nearly crushed me
the way out was a path I never
envisioned and I never even knew existed
but luckily for us the empathy of two
amazing women one kind and funny couple
and a team of medical experts helped us
plant our family tree but also helped
heal our pain but this really isn’t
about me I ask you today to think about
your own family your friends your
colleagues remember one-in-eight think
about the childless couple whose wedding
you attended seven years ago but doesn’t
have kids the woman in your office who
has a lot of doctor’s appointments
your brother-in-law who’s really good
with kids but never mentions having any
some of those couples want to keep their
stories to themselves but others will
appreciate your thoughtful support feel
free to borrow my story forward this
talk just make sure you follow up in
person and say I just watch this what do
you think then just listen don’t give
advice don’t offer solutions please
don’t say you should just relax maybe
try I’m so sorry and I appreciate your
sharing this with me it will be hard to
listen to those stories it will be
really hard to stay quiet
but do it anyway just sit with them in
their pain
children my mother is the one on the top
right
she had my brother and I quite young and
my second brother in her late 30s babies
and our family were adored and abundant
in fact I over have over twenty first
cousins even as a child I always knew I
wanted to be mother so I assumed get
getting pregnant was the easy part but
not getting pregnant before I was ready
was crucial
when I married my husband Steven at age
thirty we figured we had no reason to
rush we started trying in 2003 when I
was 32
I was so optimistic that I bought the
book what to Expect When You’re
Expecting after a month during routine
annual physical my OB suggested we not
wait a full year before we thought about
seeing a fertility specialist if I
didn’t get pregnant and I thought what
are you talking about my grandmother had
nine kids turns out that my grandmother
and my mother’s fertility had nothing to
do with mine I had to learn the hard way
that I had spent most of my life trying
not to get pregnant I had no idea that
fertility in women begins to decline in
our mid 20s and drops sharply after 35
this chart steep angle tells part of
what may have been happening with me so
we entered the rotten world of
infertility quietly like most people do
afraid to admit that we couldn’t get
pregnant like everyone else we told no
one and cringed when we were asked why
we didn’t have kids
despite being nervous about taking any
medication risk of multiples and unknown
long-term side effects the first drug I
was prescribed was clomid I think lots
of hormones lots of eggs and lots of
side effects
I took three cycles of clomid and didn’t
get pregnant it was time to up the ante
in the next procedure I you I you’re
jacked up on more hormones that you and
Rhett inject directly into your belly
twice a day in order to produce more
eggs sperm is then placed directly in
your uterus while you’re on a cold
medical room staring staring at the
ceiling tile it’s not exactly romantic
in fact I hated it I hated the small
needles I hated the giant intramuscular
needles the bruising the hormone patches
pills night sweats weight gain
I hated the endless fighting with
insurance companies and I hated how sad
and alone I felt out of sheer exhaustion
I think we started sharing our struggles
it was difficult fielding unsolicited
advice like you’ll be fine my friend’s
cousin got pregnant at 42 or why don’t
you just adopt or you need to just relax
despite our pain we marched on and
although we felt so isolated we were in
fact not marching alone one in eight
couples struggle with infertility one in
eight the CDC finds that the number of
women in the United States aged 15 to 44
that experienced infertility is 6.7
million we were getting frustrated so we
did research alternative therapies seem
promising so we went to Boston to
consult the Chinese herbalist I drank
tea that I’m pretty sure was dirt I
received acupuncture stopped running for
a while which was a bad idea I meditated
and did yoga which was a good idea our
calendar year went like this I UI one
failed iy 2 failed take a month off and
exhausted
iy three failed take a few months off
start antidepressants iy four failed
take another month or three off i ui5
bull’s-eye
this was in fact the tasteful way we
chose to tell our parents that I was
finally pregnant our first ultrasound
confirmed that I was in fact pregnant
with triplets despite my panic over
having multiples I grew to embrace the
idea of our little three pack began a
pregnancy journal and made a list of
baby names Alex Katie Sam
Elizabeth Shane Tierney I was incredibly
nauseous and exhausted like any other
pregnant woman I was thrilled and my
eight-week appointment the ultrasound
tech told us that one of the heartbeats
had stopped this news was devastating
but we figured there are two other
babies and they’ll be fine however at
the next ultrasound the other two
heartbeats had slowed they told me to go
home for the weekend and see how things
looked on Monday my Monday the other two
heartbeats had stopped I had lost all
three we planted crocuses that would
come up the early in the early spring
the time the babies would have been born
I was utterly distraught as you can
imagine but eventually I thought well at
least I got pregnant and I still had
some hope the next step is IVF and in
this procedure your surge if you
surgically remove an egg fertilize it in
a lab and then return it to uterus once
it’s dividing properly after the fourth
IVF failed our doctor called us in to
discuss next steps my chart red
decreased ovarian reserve just kind of
like a catch-all
this meant that given my age my eggs
were not of the quantity or quality that
you would expect no one knew why then
she said something I’ll never forget you
should consider donor egg or adoption
and I can recall the details of that
conversation so vividly I felt like my
support team had given up I thought have
my husband’s sperm fertilize an egg from
another woman are you kidding this
sounded like science fiction and I was
sure she was wrong and just not trying
hard enough
Stephen again did extensive research
he’s good at that
and found a leading fertility doctor in
Boston after reviewing our giant file he
confirmed our previous doctor’s
recommendation to tried donor egg but
said he would support us if we wanted to
give my eggs one last try a new team a
big-name Hospital and renewed hope of
course I would try again
we drove four hours round-trip for ten
minute ultrasounds time and time again
more needles more hormones more fighting
with insurance companies they placed our
last hope embryo in my uterus and we
were instructed to return two weeks for
a blood test to see if it took they
recommended against using at-home
pregnancy tests we did not listen
friends and family were as elated as we
were finally it was our time I drove
again to Boston to get the ultrasound
around two months to see our little baby
growing but the look on the Tech’s face
we could tell that it was again for us
bad news it was a silent long ride home
in April of 2008 I lost another
pregnancy this time we planted a
Japanese maple tree despite being
emotionally raw we decided to attend a
seminar aimed at those considering donor
egg or adoption couple after couples
shared their painful infertility stories
that ended with Parenthood I asked
through tears what does it feel like not
to be able to pass on your own genes
that were so important to me your family
history and how could you ever recover
from that loss couple after coupler
assured me once you have your child that
loss isn’t and is important but at that
point I didn’t believe them after the
conference one generous couple who has
two boys through donor egg invited us
over to their home they were sincere and
very funny so we decided to take them up
on the offer what did we have to lose at
this point they apologized for the toys
everywhere they put the kids to bed it
and we talked about hard the first three
months of Parenthood can be but what
about being so different the husband
Larry’s replies edged in my memory
forever don’t
me wrong he said our kids are weird but
it isn’t because of how they were
conceived he’s great and he doesn’t
remember saying that it’s so changed my
life through the kindness of strangers
we imagined ourselves jumping in so
donor-egg it is and again we were not as
alone as we thought we were between 2005
and 2014 the number of cycles performed
using donor egg increased almost 27
percent interestingly the CDC reported
in January of 2016 that for the first
time ever the birth rate of women in
their 30s was greater than those in
their 20s this is a significant shift
that may also lead to more use of
assisted reproductive technologies we
then began the conversation with our
fertility clinic back here in
Springfield to review anonymous
potential donors Stephen and I
considered what traits and medical
history were priorities to us and put
our faith in the nurse was screening and
would match us with a donor a few weeks
later I was having my first photography
exhibit in the middle of the evening my
cousin Marie approached me and said I
heard you were looking for some eggs I’m
not that tall but my SAT scores are
really good through my father Murray had
learned of our struggles and she stepped
forward
it’s a moment so utterly generous at
such a dark time in my life that
remembering is always overwhelming
despite the potential risks to family
relationships I decided that the idea of
having a donor I was related to was
preferable I would be able to have some
genes in common with our child I could
contact Murray about family medical
history and our baby would never have
unknown gaps in her genealogy he was a
lawyer bright thoughtful woman who
clearly understood the ramifications of
egg donor
I took comfort in that but still it was
my husband’s sperm and her egg and that
was so difficult to wrap my head around
sometimes but at this point we had been
through so much
that the idea of being at the forefront
of fertility science and family making
seemed surmountable compared to our life
where I could never get pregnant and
give birth on the day of the transfer I
was again optimistic after fertilization
the team chose the best embryo out of
the two and placed it in my uterus I
sobbed when the procedure was complete
as I had done every single time before
now we wait she was worth the wait
during my pregnancy and even right after
the birth I worried the tyranny was not
fully mine that anxiety grew when a few
people referred to Marie incorrectly as
the real mother however my insecurity
about being so different was replaced
with the reality of breastfeeding every
four hours
poop explosions and the most
overwhelming love like I have never
experienced
Tierney’s now seven and she is a strong
inquisitive thoughtful girl without the
slightest exaggeration we are grateful
for her every day of our life about two
years later we were ready to roll the
dice again with our second embryo and
given the success with tyranny I was
sure we would get pregnant again but I
was devastated once again remarkably
another one of my cousins from the other
side of my family Kelsey offered to help
this time despite being almost half my
age she appreciated the pain we didn’t
doored
we were overwhelmed to be lucky twice
plus she was good buddies with tyranny
the first transfer with Kelsey’s eggs
did not work and all the previous
disappointments reemerged we waited and
tried the second embryo when I had been
pregnant for several months we literally
had a bonfire with the mountains of
paperwork that we had accumulated from
over a decade of infertility we weren’t
done
here is Elizabeth and Elizabeth sang
cheese
Elizabeth eating black cake and
Elizabeth not using her gentle hands
with her sister Elizabeth is three and
very funny and I will say strong-willed
she’s perfect
she squeals with delight when she hears
her sisters up in the morning and some
days I think my chest could burst when I
see them together when they’re not
punching each other we are now the
regular parents we worried we would
never be and this is our beautiful mess
she only has one shoe on we dragged
through vomit covered nights we lose our
patience and we forget to fill out
school forms tyranny has memorized every
single Lego Star Wars Episode that
exists and Elizabeth wears bathing suits
in our house 12 months out of the year
for some reason I don’t know why Larry
was right our kids are weird and it has
nothing to do with how they were
conceived and they know how they were
conceived
we have always told them their
conception stories and in fact they will
be quite surprised to know that two
people can make a baby without the help
of a team of doctors and a donor I’m not
the same person I was before all of this
I wish infertility wasn’t something that
I had only heard about because it was
happening to me
I wish I hadn’t felt so alone so what do
I do with that well I want better for
couples going forward and I wish there
was more awareness about the prevalence
of infertility I know that nothing can
take away the pain of an empty crib but
I also know that generous listening can
dissolve shame and change lives
I run an infertility Support Group and I
have seen that firsthand University of
Houston research professor dr. Renee
Brown my TED talk hero puts it like this
shame depends on me buying into the
belief that I am alone shame cannot
survive being spoken and met with
empathy
I’m not alone there are millions and
millions of us and I’m here to say that
I’m done with fertility shame I’m here
to speak that unspoken I had
miscarriages I was infertile and it
nearly crushed me
the way out was a path I never
envisioned and I never even knew existed
but luckily for us the empathy of two
amazing women one kind and funny couple
and a team of medical experts helped us
plant our family tree but also helped
heal our pain but this really isn’t
about me I ask you today to think about
your own family your friends your
colleagues remember one-in-eight think
about the childless couple whose wedding
you attended seven years ago but doesn’t
have kids the woman in your office who
has a lot of doctor’s appointments
your brother-in-law who’s really good
with kids but never mentions having any
some of those couples want to keep their
stories to themselves but others will
appreciate your thoughtful support feel
free to borrow my story forward this
talk just make sure you follow up in
person and say I just watch this what do
you think then just listen don’t give
advice don’t offer solutions please
don’t say you should just relax maybe
try I’m so sorry and I appreciate your
sharing this with me it will be hard to
listen to those stories it will be
really hard to stay quiet
but do it anyway just sit with them in
their pain
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