so what if I told you there is one thing
you can do one thing that will enhance
your well-being improve your
relationships advance your career and
make your wildest dream come true this
is the advice that I give to the people
I manage and the people I mentor the
problem is it’s so simple and so basic
I’m almost embarrassed to say it but
then I wouldn’t have a talk and I’d have
to leave the stage so so here it goes
ask for what you want now the reason
this is so important to me is because I
failed to heed this advice
it was advice that I was given by my
mentor many years ago here’s what
happened my dad died seven years ago my
mom has dementia and her dementia had
advanced to a point where she could no
longer live alone so the decision was
made that my mom would move in with me
and my husband Jim if any of you have
ever cared for an aging parent or
grandparent you know this is brutal work
it is hard it’s emotionally exhausting
and it is all-consuming after four years
I kind of hit a window I was like wow
I can’t do this anymore I don’t know me
anymore I need to do something and I
came up with this harebrained idea that
I was gonna go to Harvard for a week
this program called women in power I
felt like wow if I could just be around
dynamic women from all over the world it
will help me and oh my god I was right
it was the most amazing experience but
also at the same time a light bulb went
off for me I realized that I had led my
personal network shrink to almost
nothing nothing I was so busy being the
helper that I forgot to ask for help so
when the program was over I did
something I wouldn’t have done the week
before my mom was staying with my sister
the week I was at Harvard I called my
sister and said hey guess what I need to
keep mom for six months because I need a
break that went over really well but my
mom’s still with her so it’s okay
I realized the power of for asking for
what I wanted and I’m hoping that I can
help you do the same so that was me yeah
that was me so how do we get there okay
well here’s some ways we can do that so
my husband Jim is here and I don’t mean
to embarrass him I warned him he was in
this a year ago he said I’m going to
lose weight and he started drinking
these protein shakes every day the
weight dropped off I found about five
pounds of it bless him but it was great
he looks hot and I’m not just saying
that because he’s here he does but he
developed this annoying as hell habit
leaving the dirty blender in the sink
every day and who cleans it up me you
know why because it was easier to clean
it than it was to ask him to do it now
to his credit I had a little talk with
Jim a couple of weeks ago and kind of
said hey honey do you think you could
clean up after yourself and you know
what he said why didn’t you ask me no I
come downstairs to this this might sound
trivial like a trivial kind of story
like oh it’s the blender but there’s a
reason for sharing this
if you can’t ask the person you love for
something small something simple if you
can’t ask for the small things then how
the hell are you gonna ask for the big
things how are you gonna change your
life how are you gonna get that raise
how are you gonna get that promotion how
are you gonna get the job you want
if you can’t ask for the simple things
that comes in a moment that’s good stuff
so I want to ask you show hands how many
of you think you deserve a race hell of
a lot of you okay yeah how many of you
have actually asked keep your hands
raised how did that turn out for you
okay not good but we can get there still
don’t let that discourage you the fact
is people do you want to say yes but you
have to be prepared when you go ask for
that raise you women do this all the
time they knock on the boss’s boss’s
door and say um can I talk to you about
something
hell no be prepared make your case
make an appointment ask for more than
what you want because I’m gonna tell you
something nobody has ever said to me my
entire life
Oh Marianne you didn’t ask for enough
money I’m gonna give you more you didn’t
ask for enough time off here have
another week ask for more than what you
want so I’m on City Council I think you
all know that I think some of you
expected me to talk about city council
business I had to mention a little bit
these are my colleagues how’d you like
to ask them for what you want I’m going
to tell you how not to ask them for what
they want
we have Boy Scout troops that come in
for every council meeting it’s part of
their civic engagement
I knew the Scoutmaster this one time and
his son they sat through this
particularly boring meeting I went to
the back and apologized and I said I
wish you were here to see something
exciting Scout Master said oh no we
learned a lot I asked his son what did
you learn
he said we learned when you want
something to ask nice three people came
to the council that day asking for
something two of the women said we
worked with the staff they were
wonderful thank you for your service
could you please give us an extension
we’ll get the work done on our house
blah blah blah extension granted we
wanted to say yes
third guy comes up he trashed the staff
he cussed us out and he was belligerent
boom
demolition notice delivered even ten and
twelve-year-old kids could figure out
when you want something you ask nice you
say please you say thank you you show
appreciation and flattery isn’t too bad
either you know but you got to be
sincere about it it just can’t be any
old flattery it’s gonna be things you
might actually mean there’s also another
way to get what you want it’s what I
call the collective ask too sometimes
things are too big for just one person
this is what we did with innovate
Raleigh we gathered a hundred
seventy-five people together five years
ago we tried to look at ways we could
improve our community there were three
things that at the top of our list we
wanted a direct flight from Raleigh to
San Francisco little did we know that
the airport was negotiating with an
airline but when that article came out
in the front page of the paper the next
day with all these companies and all
these people saying number one priority
for our region
it helped push it over the edge it
happened we also wanted to make sure
that we had an entrepreneurial hub for
our folks HQ Raleigh was born and we
wanted to make sure that we as a group
could put Raleigh on the map for
entrepreneurship and innovation so we
executed a plan
everybody had a piece of it all of a
sudden we started getting national
recognition in magazines and newspapers
throughout the country for this
community of entrepreneurs we had helped
catalyze the collective ask also works
with City Council
you might remember something about
outdoor dining food trucks but it works
the collective voice is the most
powerful of all just remember this
people want to say yes so here’s my good
friend Justin Miller wet pigs taco fan
taco man he comes to City Council and
says I want to buy this old horse bond
and put a taco stand in it okay I’ve
been on council for 10 years and nobody
has had the nerve to come and ask buy
any property this can happen now you
know why because he asked and then we
have people like Matt Tomasulo who
didn’t bother to ask he just went out
and did it
he put up signs all over Raleigh telling
people it’s a 10-minute walk to the
museum it’s a seven-minute walk here he
wanted to create a more walkable
community great idea the BBC came here
and interviewed him Raleigh and Matt
Tomasulo were all over the news
Oh over the world how cool was that for
us the problem is the signs were illegal
so we had to make sure that these signs
came down and we did it this way we
create we said we want to say yes to
Matt that’s cool this is a great idea so
we created a pilot program whenever you
hear a pilot program that’s our way of
working city councils way of working
around a problem and making it happen
despite that so we created a pilot
program Matt signs ended up in cities
throughout the world
cool story batkid
this little boy make-a-wish child San
Francisco he wanted to be batkid for a
day 20,000 people yes
20,000 people came out to make sure his
day was successful 20,000 people said
yes to batkid he got to run with a Caped
Crusader he got to ride in the Batmobile
fight the Joker the police chief was in
on it the mayor how exciting to make
this little boy’s wish and dream come
true he asked he got it there’s also an
entrepreneur young yang who by the way
thought he had the greatest idea ever he
obviously didn’t cuz he didn’t get the
grant money he was hoping to get sent
him into this huge depression and he
decided to do a hundred days
rejection therapy so he was going to go
out and ask for something every single
day I read the list of things he asked
for this I can barely control myself
thinking of it but he asked for a woman
in a donut shop to make him donuts in
the shape of the Olympic rings and they
all had to be colored as the Olympic
ranks were colored he dressed up in a
soccer suit soccer ball knocked on this
guy’s doors and said can I come play
soccer in your backyard he walked up to
a police officer and said hey can I
Drive her car the best though he went to
this small air airport like err hangar
and asked this guy if he could drive his
plane not only did the woman with the
donuts make this for him when he said
where can I pay for this she said oh
it’s okay it’s on me despite the fact
that you didn’t get a raise I hope that
most of you feel that there is an
opportunity that people do want to say
yes already know your answer when you
leave here today what are you gonna ask
for I know I put you on the spot you
have one second to answer
I’m coming back to you ma’am what are
you gonna ask for her mom to keep the
kids tomorrow aimin you deserved that
day off you have an answer she wants it
not to rain when she goes to the music
festival oh I can make that happen
no problem because this is my TED talk I
get to make an ask of all of you now I’m
gonna ask I’m putting on a city council
half right now I’m going to ask all of
you to please vote because I believe
that that is the way the most effective
way that you can get what you want it’s
the most effective way to build your
community I’m also going to ask you to
consider running for office because we
need good people who are energized and
want to build their community we need
people with new ideas we need people who
are passionate if you are interested and
if you need advice just ask me
I’ll say yes thank you
[Applause]
you
you can do one thing that will enhance
your well-being improve your
relationships advance your career and
make your wildest dream come true this
is the advice that I give to the people
I manage and the people I mentor the
problem is it’s so simple and so basic
I’m almost embarrassed to say it but
then I wouldn’t have a talk and I’d have
to leave the stage so so here it goes
ask for what you want now the reason
this is so important to me is because I
failed to heed this advice
it was advice that I was given by my
mentor many years ago here’s what
happened my dad died seven years ago my
mom has dementia and her dementia had
advanced to a point where she could no
longer live alone so the decision was
made that my mom would move in with me
and my husband Jim if any of you have
ever cared for an aging parent or
grandparent you know this is brutal work
it is hard it’s emotionally exhausting
and it is all-consuming after four years
I kind of hit a window I was like wow
I can’t do this anymore I don’t know me
anymore I need to do something and I
came up with this harebrained idea that
I was gonna go to Harvard for a week
this program called women in power I
felt like wow if I could just be around
dynamic women from all over the world it
will help me and oh my god I was right
it was the most amazing experience but
also at the same time a light bulb went
off for me I realized that I had led my
personal network shrink to almost
nothing nothing I was so busy being the
helper that I forgot to ask for help so
when the program was over I did
something I wouldn’t have done the week
before my mom was staying with my sister
the week I was at Harvard I called my
sister and said hey guess what I need to
keep mom for six months because I need a
break that went over really well but my
mom’s still with her so it’s okay
I realized the power of for asking for
what I wanted and I’m hoping that I can
help you do the same so that was me yeah
that was me so how do we get there okay
well here’s some ways we can do that so
my husband Jim is here and I don’t mean
to embarrass him I warned him he was in
this a year ago he said I’m going to
lose weight and he started drinking
these protein shakes every day the
weight dropped off I found about five
pounds of it bless him but it was great
he looks hot and I’m not just saying
that because he’s here he does but he
developed this annoying as hell habit
leaving the dirty blender in the sink
every day and who cleans it up me you
know why because it was easier to clean
it than it was to ask him to do it now
to his credit I had a little talk with
Jim a couple of weeks ago and kind of
said hey honey do you think you could
clean up after yourself and you know
what he said why didn’t you ask me no I
come downstairs to this this might sound
trivial like a trivial kind of story
like oh it’s the blender but there’s a
reason for sharing this
if you can’t ask the person you love for
something small something simple if you
can’t ask for the small things then how
the hell are you gonna ask for the big
things how are you gonna change your
life how are you gonna get that raise
how are you gonna get that promotion how
are you gonna get the job you want
if you can’t ask for the simple things
that comes in a moment that’s good stuff
so I want to ask you show hands how many
of you think you deserve a race hell of
a lot of you okay yeah how many of you
have actually asked keep your hands
raised how did that turn out for you
okay not good but we can get there still
don’t let that discourage you the fact
is people do you want to say yes but you
have to be prepared when you go ask for
that raise you women do this all the
time they knock on the boss’s boss’s
door and say um can I talk to you about
something
hell no be prepared make your case
make an appointment ask for more than
what you want because I’m gonna tell you
something nobody has ever said to me my
entire life
Oh Marianne you didn’t ask for enough
money I’m gonna give you more you didn’t
ask for enough time off here have
another week ask for more than what you
want so I’m on City Council I think you
all know that I think some of you
expected me to talk about city council
business I had to mention a little bit
these are my colleagues how’d you like
to ask them for what you want I’m going
to tell you how not to ask them for what
they want
we have Boy Scout troops that come in
for every council meeting it’s part of
their civic engagement
I knew the Scoutmaster this one time and
his son they sat through this
particularly boring meeting I went to
the back and apologized and I said I
wish you were here to see something
exciting Scout Master said oh no we
learned a lot I asked his son what did
you learn
he said we learned when you want
something to ask nice three people came
to the council that day asking for
something two of the women said we
worked with the staff they were
wonderful thank you for your service
could you please give us an extension
we’ll get the work done on our house
blah blah blah extension granted we
wanted to say yes
third guy comes up he trashed the staff
he cussed us out and he was belligerent
boom
demolition notice delivered even ten and
twelve-year-old kids could figure out
when you want something you ask nice you
say please you say thank you you show
appreciation and flattery isn’t too bad
either you know but you got to be
sincere about it it just can’t be any
old flattery it’s gonna be things you
might actually mean there’s also another
way to get what you want it’s what I
call the collective ask too sometimes
things are too big for just one person
this is what we did with innovate
Raleigh we gathered a hundred
seventy-five people together five years
ago we tried to look at ways we could
improve our community there were three
things that at the top of our list we
wanted a direct flight from Raleigh to
San Francisco little did we know that
the airport was negotiating with an
airline but when that article came out
in the front page of the paper the next
day with all these companies and all
these people saying number one priority
for our region
it helped push it over the edge it
happened we also wanted to make sure
that we had an entrepreneurial hub for
our folks HQ Raleigh was born and we
wanted to make sure that we as a group
could put Raleigh on the map for
entrepreneurship and innovation so we
executed a plan
everybody had a piece of it all of a
sudden we started getting national
recognition in magazines and newspapers
throughout the country for this
community of entrepreneurs we had helped
catalyze the collective ask also works
with City Council
you might remember something about
outdoor dining food trucks but it works
the collective voice is the most
powerful of all just remember this
people want to say yes so here’s my good
friend Justin Miller wet pigs taco fan
taco man he comes to City Council and
says I want to buy this old horse bond
and put a taco stand in it okay I’ve
been on council for 10 years and nobody
has had the nerve to come and ask buy
any property this can happen now you
know why because he asked and then we
have people like Matt Tomasulo who
didn’t bother to ask he just went out
and did it
he put up signs all over Raleigh telling
people it’s a 10-minute walk to the
museum it’s a seven-minute walk here he
wanted to create a more walkable
community great idea the BBC came here
and interviewed him Raleigh and Matt
Tomasulo were all over the news
Oh over the world how cool was that for
us the problem is the signs were illegal
so we had to make sure that these signs
came down and we did it this way we
create we said we want to say yes to
Matt that’s cool this is a great idea so
we created a pilot program whenever you
hear a pilot program that’s our way of
working city councils way of working
around a problem and making it happen
despite that so we created a pilot
program Matt signs ended up in cities
throughout the world
cool story batkid
this little boy make-a-wish child San
Francisco he wanted to be batkid for a
day 20,000 people yes
20,000 people came out to make sure his
day was successful 20,000 people said
yes to batkid he got to run with a Caped
Crusader he got to ride in the Batmobile
fight the Joker the police chief was in
on it the mayor how exciting to make
this little boy’s wish and dream come
true he asked he got it there’s also an
entrepreneur young yang who by the way
thought he had the greatest idea ever he
obviously didn’t cuz he didn’t get the
grant money he was hoping to get sent
him into this huge depression and he
decided to do a hundred days
rejection therapy so he was going to go
out and ask for something every single
day I read the list of things he asked
for this I can barely control myself
thinking of it but he asked for a woman
in a donut shop to make him donuts in
the shape of the Olympic rings and they
all had to be colored as the Olympic
ranks were colored he dressed up in a
soccer suit soccer ball knocked on this
guy’s doors and said can I come play
soccer in your backyard he walked up to
a police officer and said hey can I
Drive her car the best though he went to
this small air airport like err hangar
and asked this guy if he could drive his
plane not only did the woman with the
donuts make this for him when he said
where can I pay for this she said oh
it’s okay it’s on me despite the fact
that you didn’t get a raise I hope that
most of you feel that there is an
opportunity that people do want to say
yes already know your answer when you
leave here today what are you gonna ask
for I know I put you on the spot you
have one second to answer
I’m coming back to you ma’am what are
you gonna ask for her mom to keep the
kids tomorrow aimin you deserved that
day off you have an answer she wants it
not to rain when she goes to the music
festival oh I can make that happen
no problem because this is my TED talk I
get to make an ask of all of you now I’m
gonna ask I’m putting on a city council
half right now I’m going to ask all of
you to please vote because I believe
that that is the way the most effective
way that you can get what you want it’s
the most effective way to build your
community I’m also going to ask you to
consider running for office because we
need good people who are energized and
want to build their community we need
people with new ideas we need people who
are passionate if you are interested and
if you need advice just ask me
I’ll say yes thank you
[Applause]
you
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