[Applause]
yeah the suit right so what am i doing
why am i standing here in a
puncture-resistant bright yellow
search-and-rescue dry suit and there’s a
lot of reasons and probably we need a
psychiatrist to get to some of them I’m
gonna talk about some of the other ones
today so the the title of my talk is
finding and surviving your calling I’m
not a scientist but I’ve done some field
research in this area on myself so I’m
gonna share what I found out there and
I’m gonna hope that it helps anyone of
you we’re here today or whoever see this
and I’m bracing myself now for the
ridicule I will get from my two teenage
daughters when they see this online so
I’m Christopher I’m 49 years old
I’m a clean water advocate I’m a human
rights advocate and the way that plays
out as I swim the entire length of dirty
waterways and some of them you’ve
probably heard of I was the first person
in history to swim the entire length of
the Columbia River in the Pacific
Northwest 1243 mile swim thank you
that’s more hands than we’re clapping
when I finished that swim that’s what
they don’t tell you the loneliness and
the smells I swam the entire length of
the Hudson River in New York State you
don’t have to clap for LA’s 315 miles
the entire length of Lake Champlain
which squeezes up between New York and
Vermont into Quebec 129 miles on and on
I think the point is you know if you
went read about me you know like Oh more
than 3,000 miles and more than 25
polluted waterways somebody should have
availed themselves of the free
counselling at the college when they
were there right one of the things that
I want to try
to do today is get to what’s underneath
the suit and I think the suit is fun
right in Brooklyn they call me the toxic
avenger cuz I swam through the toxic
sludge of the kiwanis canal and this
thing and no one else ever had and
there’s a good reason no one else ever
had right because no one else wants to
swim through oil slicks and gasoline and
chemical spills and trash and yes that’s
what you think it is
that’s raw sewage and yes I’ve swum
through it and what would you would you
like a fun fact about what it’s like to
swim through raw sewage okay I heard one
yes think of this as this dude told me
about it so now I don’t have to do it
myself so when you’re swimming through
sewage yes you know it when you smell it
it feels a little sticky and weird in
the water and the water color changes so
the smell you recognize here’s what you
don’t know cuz you don’t do this if it’s
recent enough you can smell the foods
that the people ate who made the sewage
so you’ll be swimming along you like do
I smell poop oh no and then I think I
smell nachos and oranges so it takes a
couple minutes to swim out of the slick
of sewage but it takes like five years
before you will grab a handful of nachos
again that’s what it’s like out there so
I have some through all kinds of stuff
radioactive waste neurotoxic pesticides
I’ve been stung by jellyfish
I’ve been menaced by great white sharks
I’ve been attacked by blood sucking sea
lamprey eels which is really bad if
you’re afraid of snakes because then you
have dreams about that so don’t try that
there’s other issues out there too right
I mean I get caught in lightning storms
and blizzards I get run over by boats
I’ve been hit by trees and branches that
are inside storm waves that I swim
through because somehow I want to swim
in the storm because I’m one of those
guys like I want to know I want to know
what it’s like I know what it’s like now
it’s like my head hurts because I just
got hit by a tree but somehow I want to
keep going and then that’s what it comes
down to right why am I doing this why do
I want to keep going I don’t have the
whole answer to that question and I’ll
leave it to others to try to answer it
but I’ll give you my answer that
question the reason I keep going is cuz
it’s my calling here’s what a calling
feels like it feels like the thing you
can’t not do it feels like the love
affair that you’re gonna do even though
you know it’s gonna blow up your life it
feels like you couldn’t die satisfied
you would not be okay unless you do this
and sometimes it also feels like getting
dragged across the coals of your calling
or dragged behind the pickup truck of
your calling or your callings in the
saddle and it’s riding you why do we do
it I know why I do it love I love the
water I want it to be clean
I know another reason I do it vanity
yeah
I want people to like me I want my
daughters to know that I tried I want
the students I talked to in schools to
think well at least he didn’t just tell
us to do something I mean maybe as
issues but he’s definitely out there
doing something I want to put my body in
the way of harm not because I want to
harm my body cuz I don’t but she now and
I’m getting older I’m 49 now remember in
your 20s you’re like yeah whatever man
no different now I am willing to put my
life on the line because I have a
calling I had the thing that I must do
and that is a gift but let me tell you
if you find your calling you are in for
a ride it is excruciatingly ly hard to
have a calling it is not for the faint
of heart
it is not the other thing I feel like
I’ve got to tell you is that most of my
talks and most of the talk about people
like me who go do extreme things I mean
they’re not all doing it to energize
clean ups of dirty waterways but focuses
on the external stuff right it’s the
external story look at his suit look at
his goggles look at his cap Wow cool
team nice boats great spreadsheet
describing the budget that we’re gonna
go over for this project right all the
trappings if you want to be a change
agent if you want to find your agency
and to me agency means your ability to
gather yourself find your power to get
something done or accomplishes your
ability to stand up in your own skin
find your voice and do things if you
want to gather that you need access to
every bit of energy in your being and
here’s the tricky part here’s the part
of the talk I don’t want to give that
means you have to admit to the stuff
inside you that you’re hiding from and
that you are hiding from other people
because you’ve got energy
tied up in that and you are gonna need
all of the energy you have if you’re
gonna do Purpose Driven work so that
means really it’s not about the suit you
want to be a change agent you want to
change the world make a difference make
your offering reach full flower ladies
and gentlemen that is an inside job
which is why we got to take the suit off
really and which is why and I hate doing
this too
I’m gonna ask for help would you please
help me take off my suit I hate asking
for help you know what’s worse than
asking for help
receiving help right I’m gonna try
though so while we’re doing this
I’m gonna say that the question you can
do it remember the self-talk you can do
it you got this all right now help me
get this arm out so the major question
you’re gonna have to ask yourself if you
want to do the deep dive if you want
hang on let’s give him something to look
at who are you you think about who you
are while I’m fighting with my costume
oh okay
there we go okay so maybe going inside
isn’t worth it can’t even use this arm
now just thinking of how many times I’m
gonna be teased about this makes me want
to cry
okay let’s get on with it you want to
who you are this is the least of your
humiliations what you’re witnessing
right here but let’s get down to it
what do you want I don’t mean what
you’re gonna tell other people you want
I mean what do you want that you don’t
tell other people so go on a little
journey with me for a second here I’m
gonna tell you a little bit what I want
so when I was young and I was 20 you
know what I wanted to do kick ass I
didn’t really know what that meant
that’s what I wanted to do that was my
plan so fully-fledged plan so that you
know work in progress I have a better
sense of what I want now now and this
was confirmed because I was part of a
cohort of people extreme athletes that
outside magazines studied several years
ago and we had two between us we did all
kinds of things like MRIs neurological
exams emotional surveys they’re trying
to figure out why we do what we do in my
case what would possess someone to swim
in freezing water in a blizzard this
kind of thing I was the only one it
turned out who wasn’t doing it for the
adrenaline hit who wasn’t a risk taker
which seems weird because most people
think I’m a risk taker I was after an
experience of oneness and I was kind of
shocked that they figured this out
because I’d always known that about
myself I didn’t like to talk about it
but my best days in the water there is
no separation
I can feel between the water and me I am
the river I am the ocean usually doesn’t
last that long like you get a few
minutes of it or 20 minutes of it and
then nothing but
slog for like two years and then you get
it again but if I’m out there swimming
in a blizzard in the river you know what
I want I want to be part of the river I
want to be part of the blizzard I want
to know what it’s like to be river and
blizzard I want to be connected to
everything that’s what I’m going for
that’s the drug I’m seeking the other
thing I want and this is hard to say is
I want my voice heard I want to speak up
for the stuff I want to speak up for and
I want people to hear it and I want to
do it in a public way and it’s not
sometimes cool to say that I’m not
saying I want to be famous
I wouldn’t wish that on me or anybody
I’m saying I want to stand up in front
of people and say what’s in my heart to
say about the experiences I’ve had out
there in the water and sometimes that’s
awkward to admit to but I’m telling you
guys to do that stuff so I got to stand
up here and do it but what about you
what do you guys want I’m gonna ask you
to go on a quick journey with me I’m
gonna ask you all to take a deep breath
in and out and I’m gonna ask you please
to close your eyes for a moment and just
listen to my voice move back into your
body for a second just feel the chair
pushing on you your clothes on your skin
the temperature of the room feel your
breath going in and out if you’re quiet
enough you could probably feel your
heart and beat put your awareness on
your heart and keep it there I’m gonna
ask you something imagine you could do
any work for the world anything and that
this work would be the work that would
make you feel okay about your life’s
offering it would be the work that did
it for you that satisfied you the thing
that if you did it you’d be good
and now imagine you’ll have all the
financial support you need your friends
your family and your loved ones will
offer you their full support all the
logistical hurdles all the challenges
it’s gonna work out
you’re gonna meet all those challenges
just take a look at what that work looks
like for you and mark how it feels to
get that glimpse and now please know
that you can go back there and follow
that thread anytime but right now I’m
gonna ask you to come back to me in this
room welcome back so those are your
desires or a glimpse you also got to
deal with your history this can be rough
too so that’s me when I was four years
old and you can get something from this
here’s a good story about my history
that four year old loves the water
little Christopher loves the beach he is
routinely screamed at at the end of the
day by his relatives not because he did
something bad but because he refuses to
get out of the water he loves the water
so to paraphrase what Peter Jennings did
when he summed up my life this is a
childhood passion that became a life’s
mission yes that’s true
here’s what’s also true there’s things
about me you don’t know and that I feel
comfortable keeping from you there’s
difficult things that have happened to
all of us and those difficult things
some of them leave a mark
leave wounds and that means there’s a
charge on them and that means you have
energy tied up in protecting yourself
from going to those places and what I’m
here to tell you is you got to go there
and accept those parts of you if you’re
gonna go out there and do this work so
not gonna get into all my childhood
damaged we all got damaged in our
childhood somehow right but I will say
this without his glasses the kid in the
picture or me now without my contact
lenses I’m legally blind I’ve never told
an audience this before my vision is
less than 2400 uncorrect ‘add I can’t
see anything
so as a bully target in school in
elementary school I was perfect knocked
my glasses off beat me down right that’s
not fun at the time but later when you
think back on the daily beatings you
know on the playground and in the locker
room before gym you think yeah getting
run over by a boats bad and yeah getting
hit in the head by logs and Sime storm
waves is bad but you know what I’ve been
there I’ve been I can take a beating so
you need to find that piece of you that
can harness your history and then you’ve
got to find a way forward and the tricky
bit about finding a way forward in this
work is that it’s gonna go differently
for everybody but I can tell you a
couple things you were gonna have to
leave behind what you know you were
gonna have to literally or figuratively
kiss your family goodbye cross the
threshold
remember your Joseph Campbell go out
into the world you’re gonna have to take
a first step if you want to do this work
and that means you’re gonna leave what
you know and then you’re gonna run into
stuff out in the world and some of the
stuff you run into is gonna be really
confronting you’re gonna feel afraid
you’re gonna feel alone and in that
place I think it’s worth saying a
practice of faith can help you I’m not
saying believe in God I’m not here to
have a religious discussion I’m not a
religious person but I’m a person of
faith what do I mean here are the kinds
of faith I have one kind is faith in me
I have been through some stuff and I am
still here the important part about that
the same thing is true for all of you
listening you are still here you are a
survivor you have been through some of
you unbelievable things and you are
still here in your skin if there was one
thing I could tell you it would be this
the goal of following your road and
doing the work you are meant to do is a
pretty simple one right it’s to succeed
and get there and feel good but the
trick to doing it is this if you wanted
to guarantee yourself success all you
have to remember is if you stick with
yourself if you stay in your own skin no
matter what jellyfish sharks
beatings loneliness missing your family
whatever comes your way
if you stay with yourself and stay in
your own skin no matter what only two
outcomes will remain open to you one you
will die trying to do the work but at
least you die doing what you wanted or
you will get there the only thing that
can keep you from getting there is if
you don’t stick with you if you do get
there you can have another problem the
person who left isn’t the person you are
at the end the people at home might not
recognize you when I was twenty years
old I was suicidally depressed the pain
of being in my own skin of remembering
all the wounds and the damage made me
want to kill myself I planned it I had
access to guns for target shooting I had
time alone I mapped it out I could do it
I was gonna end my life I didn’t but I
didn’t do it
because of an accident and the accident
was it suddenly occurred to me that if I
were willing to end my life I had
nothing to lose I wasn’t even afraid to
die I thought dying would be a relief in
my 20-something brain I was ready to go
there and then all of a sudden I thought
wait a second
if I’m ready to go there if I’m not
afraid to die if I have nothing to lose
I could do anything I’m free so I took
the suicide card off the table I put it
in my back pocket and it’s been there
ever since I’m okay
that I’m here I can’t go back in time
but if I could I would go back and talk
to my twenty-something suicidal self
because it could have gone another way
and I will say to you what I would say
to him which is you probably won’t
believe me and you don’t realize this
yet but the fact that you are still here
that you can stand it right now to stay
in your skin that is gonna turn out to
be the most important gift you give
yourself I know that you’re in pain and
I know I’m running out of time so I have
one more thing I think that I would say
and I’d say this to all of you listening
as well sometimes this work hurts
sometimes your history hurts sometimes
it feels like you cannot stay in your
skin and bear it I’m here to tell you
you can and I’m also here to tell you I
see you in your skin is where you belong
welcome home thank you for listening
[Applause]
yeah the suit right so what am i doing
why am i standing here in a
puncture-resistant bright yellow
search-and-rescue dry suit and there’s a
lot of reasons and probably we need a
psychiatrist to get to some of them I’m
gonna talk about some of the other ones
today so the the title of my talk is
finding and surviving your calling I’m
not a scientist but I’ve done some field
research in this area on myself so I’m
gonna share what I found out there and
I’m gonna hope that it helps anyone of
you we’re here today or whoever see this
and I’m bracing myself now for the
ridicule I will get from my two teenage
daughters when they see this online so
I’m Christopher I’m 49 years old
I’m a clean water advocate I’m a human
rights advocate and the way that plays
out as I swim the entire length of dirty
waterways and some of them you’ve
probably heard of I was the first person
in history to swim the entire length of
the Columbia River in the Pacific
Northwest 1243 mile swim thank you
that’s more hands than we’re clapping
when I finished that swim that’s what
they don’t tell you the loneliness and
the smells I swam the entire length of
the Hudson River in New York State you
don’t have to clap for LA’s 315 miles
the entire length of Lake Champlain
which squeezes up between New York and
Vermont into Quebec 129 miles on and on
I think the point is you know if you
went read about me you know like Oh more
than 3,000 miles and more than 25
polluted waterways somebody should have
availed themselves of the free
counselling at the college when they
were there right one of the things that
I want to try
to do today is get to what’s underneath
the suit and I think the suit is fun
right in Brooklyn they call me the toxic
avenger cuz I swam through the toxic
sludge of the kiwanis canal and this
thing and no one else ever had and
there’s a good reason no one else ever
had right because no one else wants to
swim through oil slicks and gasoline and
chemical spills and trash and yes that’s
what you think it is
that’s raw sewage and yes I’ve swum
through it and what would you would you
like a fun fact about what it’s like to
swim through raw sewage okay I heard one
yes think of this as this dude told me
about it so now I don’t have to do it
myself so when you’re swimming through
sewage yes you know it when you smell it
it feels a little sticky and weird in
the water and the water color changes so
the smell you recognize here’s what you
don’t know cuz you don’t do this if it’s
recent enough you can smell the foods
that the people ate who made the sewage
so you’ll be swimming along you like do
I smell poop oh no and then I think I
smell nachos and oranges so it takes a
couple minutes to swim out of the slick
of sewage but it takes like five years
before you will grab a handful of nachos
again that’s what it’s like out there so
I have some through all kinds of stuff
radioactive waste neurotoxic pesticides
I’ve been stung by jellyfish
I’ve been menaced by great white sharks
I’ve been attacked by blood sucking sea
lamprey eels which is really bad if
you’re afraid of snakes because then you
have dreams about that so don’t try that
there’s other issues out there too right
I mean I get caught in lightning storms
and blizzards I get run over by boats
I’ve been hit by trees and branches that
are inside storm waves that I swim
through because somehow I want to swim
in the storm because I’m one of those
guys like I want to know I want to know
what it’s like I know what it’s like now
it’s like my head hurts because I just
got hit by a tree but somehow I want to
keep going and then that’s what it comes
down to right why am I doing this why do
I want to keep going I don’t have the
whole answer to that question and I’ll
leave it to others to try to answer it
but I’ll give you my answer that
question the reason I keep going is cuz
it’s my calling here’s what a calling
feels like it feels like the thing you
can’t not do it feels like the love
affair that you’re gonna do even though
you know it’s gonna blow up your life it
feels like you couldn’t die satisfied
you would not be okay unless you do this
and sometimes it also feels like getting
dragged across the coals of your calling
or dragged behind the pickup truck of
your calling or your callings in the
saddle and it’s riding you why do we do
it I know why I do it love I love the
water I want it to be clean
I know another reason I do it vanity
yeah
I want people to like me I want my
daughters to know that I tried I want
the students I talked to in schools to
think well at least he didn’t just tell
us to do something I mean maybe as
issues but he’s definitely out there
doing something I want to put my body in
the way of harm not because I want to
harm my body cuz I don’t but she now and
I’m getting older I’m 49 now remember in
your 20s you’re like yeah whatever man
no different now I am willing to put my
life on the line because I have a
calling I had the thing that I must do
and that is a gift but let me tell you
if you find your calling you are in for
a ride it is excruciatingly ly hard to
have a calling it is not for the faint
of heart
it is not the other thing I feel like
I’ve got to tell you is that most of my
talks and most of the talk about people
like me who go do extreme things I mean
they’re not all doing it to energize
clean ups of dirty waterways but focuses
on the external stuff right it’s the
external story look at his suit look at
his goggles look at his cap Wow cool
team nice boats great spreadsheet
describing the budget that we’re gonna
go over for this project right all the
trappings if you want to be a change
agent if you want to find your agency
and to me agency means your ability to
gather yourself find your power to get
something done or accomplishes your
ability to stand up in your own skin
find your voice and do things if you
want to gather that you need access to
every bit of energy in your being and
here’s the tricky part here’s the part
of the talk I don’t want to give that
means you have to admit to the stuff
inside you that you’re hiding from and
that you are hiding from other people
because you’ve got energy
tied up in that and you are gonna need
all of the energy you have if you’re
gonna do Purpose Driven work so that
means really it’s not about the suit you
want to be a change agent you want to
change the world make a difference make
your offering reach full flower ladies
and gentlemen that is an inside job
which is why we got to take the suit off
really and which is why and I hate doing
this too
I’m gonna ask for help would you please
help me take off my suit I hate asking
for help you know what’s worse than
asking for help
receiving help right I’m gonna try
though so while we’re doing this
I’m gonna say that the question you can
do it remember the self-talk you can do
it you got this all right now help me
get this arm out so the major question
you’re gonna have to ask yourself if you
want to do the deep dive if you want
hang on let’s give him something to look
at who are you you think about who you
are while I’m fighting with my costume
oh okay
there we go okay so maybe going inside
isn’t worth it can’t even use this arm
now just thinking of how many times I’m
gonna be teased about this makes me want
to cry
okay let’s get on with it you want to
who you are this is the least of your
humiliations what you’re witnessing
right here but let’s get down to it
what do you want I don’t mean what
you’re gonna tell other people you want
I mean what do you want that you don’t
tell other people so go on a little
journey with me for a second here I’m
gonna tell you a little bit what I want
so when I was young and I was 20 you
know what I wanted to do kick ass I
didn’t really know what that meant
that’s what I wanted to do that was my
plan so fully-fledged plan so that you
know work in progress I have a better
sense of what I want now now and this
was confirmed because I was part of a
cohort of people extreme athletes that
outside magazines studied several years
ago and we had two between us we did all
kinds of things like MRIs neurological
exams emotional surveys they’re trying
to figure out why we do what we do in my
case what would possess someone to swim
in freezing water in a blizzard this
kind of thing I was the only one it
turned out who wasn’t doing it for the
adrenaline hit who wasn’t a risk taker
which seems weird because most people
think I’m a risk taker I was after an
experience of oneness and I was kind of
shocked that they figured this out
because I’d always known that about
myself I didn’t like to talk about it
but my best days in the water there is
no separation
I can feel between the water and me I am
the river I am the ocean usually doesn’t
last that long like you get a few
minutes of it or 20 minutes of it and
then nothing but
slog for like two years and then you get
it again but if I’m out there swimming
in a blizzard in the river you know what
I want I want to be part of the river I
want to be part of the blizzard I want
to know what it’s like to be river and
blizzard I want to be connected to
everything that’s what I’m going for
that’s the drug I’m seeking the other
thing I want and this is hard to say is
I want my voice heard I want to speak up
for the stuff I want to speak up for and
I want people to hear it and I want to
do it in a public way and it’s not
sometimes cool to say that I’m not
saying I want to be famous
I wouldn’t wish that on me or anybody
I’m saying I want to stand up in front
of people and say what’s in my heart to
say about the experiences I’ve had out
there in the water and sometimes that’s
awkward to admit to but I’m telling you
guys to do that stuff so I got to stand
up here and do it but what about you
what do you guys want I’m gonna ask you
to go on a quick journey with me I’m
gonna ask you all to take a deep breath
in and out and I’m gonna ask you please
to close your eyes for a moment and just
listen to my voice move back into your
body for a second just feel the chair
pushing on you your clothes on your skin
the temperature of the room feel your
breath going in and out if you’re quiet
enough you could probably feel your
heart and beat put your awareness on
your heart and keep it there I’m gonna
ask you something imagine you could do
any work for the world anything and that
this work would be the work that would
make you feel okay about your life’s
offering it would be the work that did
it for you that satisfied you the thing
that if you did it you’d be good
and now imagine you’ll have all the
financial support you need your friends
your family and your loved ones will
offer you their full support all the
logistical hurdles all the challenges
it’s gonna work out
you’re gonna meet all those challenges
just take a look at what that work looks
like for you and mark how it feels to
get that glimpse and now please know
that you can go back there and follow
that thread anytime but right now I’m
gonna ask you to come back to me in this
room welcome back so those are your
desires or a glimpse you also got to
deal with your history this can be rough
too so that’s me when I was four years
old and you can get something from this
here’s a good story about my history
that four year old loves the water
little Christopher loves the beach he is
routinely screamed at at the end of the
day by his relatives not because he did
something bad but because he refuses to
get out of the water he loves the water
so to paraphrase what Peter Jennings did
when he summed up my life this is a
childhood passion that became a life’s
mission yes that’s true
here’s what’s also true there’s things
about me you don’t know and that I feel
comfortable keeping from you there’s
difficult things that have happened to
all of us and those difficult things
some of them leave a mark
leave wounds and that means there’s a
charge on them and that means you have
energy tied up in protecting yourself
from going to those places and what I’m
here to tell you is you got to go there
and accept those parts of you if you’re
gonna go out there and do this work so
not gonna get into all my childhood
damaged we all got damaged in our
childhood somehow right but I will say
this without his glasses the kid in the
picture or me now without my contact
lenses I’m legally blind I’ve never told
an audience this before my vision is
less than 2400 uncorrect ‘add I can’t
see anything
so as a bully target in school in
elementary school I was perfect knocked
my glasses off beat me down right that’s
not fun at the time but later when you
think back on the daily beatings you
know on the playground and in the locker
room before gym you think yeah getting
run over by a boats bad and yeah getting
hit in the head by logs and Sime storm
waves is bad but you know what I’ve been
there I’ve been I can take a beating so
you need to find that piece of you that
can harness your history and then you’ve
got to find a way forward and the tricky
bit about finding a way forward in this
work is that it’s gonna go differently
for everybody but I can tell you a
couple things you were gonna have to
leave behind what you know you were
gonna have to literally or figuratively
kiss your family goodbye cross the
threshold
remember your Joseph Campbell go out
into the world you’re gonna have to take
a first step if you want to do this work
and that means you’re gonna leave what
you know and then you’re gonna run into
stuff out in the world and some of the
stuff you run into is gonna be really
confronting you’re gonna feel afraid
you’re gonna feel alone and in that
place I think it’s worth saying a
practice of faith can help you I’m not
saying believe in God I’m not here to
have a religious discussion I’m not a
religious person but I’m a person of
faith what do I mean here are the kinds
of faith I have one kind is faith in me
I have been through some stuff and I am
still here the important part about that
the same thing is true for all of you
listening you are still here you are a
survivor you have been through some of
you unbelievable things and you are
still here in your skin if there was one
thing I could tell you it would be this
the goal of following your road and
doing the work you are meant to do is a
pretty simple one right it’s to succeed
and get there and feel good but the
trick to doing it is this if you wanted
to guarantee yourself success all you
have to remember is if you stick with
yourself if you stay in your own skin no
matter what jellyfish sharks
beatings loneliness missing your family
whatever comes your way
if you stay with yourself and stay in
your own skin no matter what only two
outcomes will remain open to you one you
will die trying to do the work but at
least you die doing what you wanted or
you will get there the only thing that
can keep you from getting there is if
you don’t stick with you if you do get
there you can have another problem the
person who left isn’t the person you are
at the end the people at home might not
recognize you when I was twenty years
old I was suicidally depressed the pain
of being in my own skin of remembering
all the wounds and the damage made me
want to kill myself I planned it I had
access to guns for target shooting I had
time alone I mapped it out I could do it
I was gonna end my life I didn’t but I
didn’t do it
because of an accident and the accident
was it suddenly occurred to me that if I
were willing to end my life I had
nothing to lose I wasn’t even afraid to
die I thought dying would be a relief in
my 20-something brain I was ready to go
there and then all of a sudden I thought
wait a second
if I’m ready to go there if I’m not
afraid to die if I have nothing to lose
I could do anything I’m free so I took
the suicide card off the table I put it
in my back pocket and it’s been there
ever since I’m okay
that I’m here I can’t go back in time
but if I could I would go back and talk
to my twenty-something suicidal self
because it could have gone another way
and I will say to you what I would say
to him which is you probably won’t
believe me and you don’t realize this
yet but the fact that you are still here
that you can stand it right now to stay
in your skin that is gonna turn out to
be the most important gift you give
yourself I know that you’re in pain and
I know I’m running out of time so I have
one more thing I think that I would say
and I’d say this to all of you listening
as well sometimes this work hurts
sometimes your history hurts sometimes
it feels like you cannot stay in your
skin and bear it I’m here to tell you
you can and I’m also here to tell you I
see you in your skin is where you belong
welcome home thank you for listening
[Applause]
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