[Music]
[Applause]
so when I was 14 I was having lunch with
my grandparents and two sets of aunts
and uncles when during that lunch
my aunt dropped dead of a heart attack
over tuna melt and salad to this day
still haven’t been able to get over my
dislike of tuna melts
for obvious reasons it’s true when I
tell the details of this story tuna melt
and all I describe my aunt as a weddings
funeral aunt as in I never saw her
anywhere except for weddings and
funerals and yet I was totally
devastated by what had happened
I watched somebody drop dead I watched
my grandmother my uncle try to revive
her for 30 minutes and two weeks after
that I started high school I arrived at
my freshman year so badly wanting to
talk about what I saw and how I felt but
nobody would listen It was as if nobody
cared fast-forward 20 plus years later
and nowadays I work with grieving kids
at a place called good grief in New
Jersey and these are kids we got some
fans here it’s an awesome place it’s a
place for kids whose moms dads brothers
and sisters have died and because of my
experience I’m able to listen to just
about any story without batting an eye
because I know how important it is for a
kid to be able to express him or herself
and the thing is kids know this to be
true to know anybody here who has kids
or works with kids knows that they like
to talk about bodily functions right
well one little guy like yay big many
years back told me something so profound
and I want to share it with you he said
Joe grief is like poop you have to let
it out right hilarious except for the
fact that we are living in a constipated
culture and to drive my point
you need to know we have a serious
blockage but the remedy for this issue
does not require medications or padded
rooms although you are going to find
plenty of people who wants you to
believe otherwise
you see grief is a natural part of the
human experience grief is a normal
reaction to losing someone or something
you love and the other thing here is it
affects literally everyone it does not
matter your race your religion your
socio economics grief affects every
single demographic including one we
really really don’t like to talk about
kids
unfortunately for kids at some point in
the early 20th century we collectively
decided to swaddle life in a pretty
little package in which bad things don’t
happen to good people and we all live
long and prosperous lives and the
problem with this is not just that it’s
absurd wishful thinking it’s not rooted
in reality
this narrative we keep telling ourselves
it does nothing for kids it does not
teach them about hardship it doesn’t
help them form a healthier worldview it
teaches them nothing about what it means
to be human and as a result our current
culture leaves kids vulnerable and
unprepared because it doesn’t give them
any of the tools or the resources they
need in order to form a healthy identity
as a living creature that will one day
die and although we keep perpetuating
this culture of ours we have a choice we
can keep death and grief under the bed
right next to the imaginary monster or
we can shine a light on it and empower
kids with hope healthy coping strategies
for me personally I think the reason why
we keep death and grief next to the
boogeyman it’s because crazies are
really hard when grief says stay down
you will stay in bed for days then not
even realize you’ve been there when
Greece says weep now
you’ll bust a tear duct over something
as simple as the smell of perfume
because it reminds you of your mom but
when grief says gap son you can do this
you’ll do it and that’s because grief
navigates us forward no matter how hard
or how intense it is grief serves a
purpose but the problem is it’s hard and
difficult because it’s hard and
difficult we’ve labeled it as something
bad when in fact grief is good now for
all you skeptics haters and
non-believers out there let me introduce
you to Izzi and 2015 Izzi was at her
rock bottom because her dad died she was
8 at the time and Izzie isn’t a group
that I facilitate and she is this
adorable wonderful kid with amazing you
could say wild curly hair and she was
telling me about being bullied because
her dad is dead she said Joe even though
they put Purell in my hair and they
taught me that’s nothing I’ve had to
experience something far worse I’m not
afraid of no bully in short Izzy’s grief
taught her about herself we all know
that bullying is terrible in commonplace
than middle-school but this particular
adversity that affects Izzy and her pair
group well guess what it didn’t faze
Izzy because Izzy has experienced
something far worse she experienced the
death of her dad and the death of her
dad gave her grief and her grief taught
her to adapt taught her to be resilient
it gave her a new perspective on her
world and it even gave her the
opportunity to form a more confident
identity and guess what that new
identity of Izzy’s well it ain’t afraid
of no bully so how does grief do that
well first let me acknowledge kind of
hard to imagine that grief serves a
purpose when in the beginning it seems
incredibly unfair and like it’s only
purpose there’s to dismantle everything
you are but in action
allottee grief is a series of responses
that have to happen in order for you to
form a new and integrated identity as
someone who has lost someone or
something you love let me say that again
grief is a series of responses that have
to happen in order for you to form a new
and integrated identity as someone who
has lost someone you love and in that
process you learn about endurance and
friendship and character and resilience
and who you are at your core you see
death implode your life but grief puts
it back together that reconstruction
process that was part of Izzy’s grief
work that gave her tools that are going
to serve her today and for the rest of
her life so why then are we not
equipping every child with these tools
by talking openly about grief and
talking differently about grief for me
that tuna melt with my aunt was the most
important lunch of my life there wasn’t
pretty and it wasn’t easy but if that
lunch was on my calendar today you
better believe I would show up and I
would eat the months following her death
were brutal but I now know that those
months or what led me here as my hero
mr. Rogers said oftentimes when we think
we’re at the end of something we’re at
the beginning of something else friends
we have to be at the end of our
dysfunctional treatment of grief kids
like Izzy are depending on us to build
something new and I promise you there is
something better more real and something
so much more hopeful awaiting us then
that is because grief is good Thank You
Izzy come on out
where she is a come on put your phone
down
come on is he on your feet people on
your feet is he
[Applause]
[Applause]
so when I was 14 I was having lunch with
my grandparents and two sets of aunts
and uncles when during that lunch
my aunt dropped dead of a heart attack
over tuna melt and salad to this day
still haven’t been able to get over my
dislike of tuna melts
for obvious reasons it’s true when I
tell the details of this story tuna melt
and all I describe my aunt as a weddings
funeral aunt as in I never saw her
anywhere except for weddings and
funerals and yet I was totally
devastated by what had happened
I watched somebody drop dead I watched
my grandmother my uncle try to revive
her for 30 minutes and two weeks after
that I started high school I arrived at
my freshman year so badly wanting to
talk about what I saw and how I felt but
nobody would listen It was as if nobody
cared fast-forward 20 plus years later
and nowadays I work with grieving kids
at a place called good grief in New
Jersey and these are kids we got some
fans here it’s an awesome place it’s a
place for kids whose moms dads brothers
and sisters have died and because of my
experience I’m able to listen to just
about any story without batting an eye
because I know how important it is for a
kid to be able to express him or herself
and the thing is kids know this to be
true to know anybody here who has kids
or works with kids knows that they like
to talk about bodily functions right
well one little guy like yay big many
years back told me something so profound
and I want to share it with you he said
Joe grief is like poop you have to let
it out right hilarious except for the
fact that we are living in a constipated
culture and to drive my point
you need to know we have a serious
blockage but the remedy for this issue
does not require medications or padded
rooms although you are going to find
plenty of people who wants you to
believe otherwise
you see grief is a natural part of the
human experience grief is a normal
reaction to losing someone or something
you love and the other thing here is it
affects literally everyone it does not
matter your race your religion your
socio economics grief affects every
single demographic including one we
really really don’t like to talk about
kids
unfortunately for kids at some point in
the early 20th century we collectively
decided to swaddle life in a pretty
little package in which bad things don’t
happen to good people and we all live
long and prosperous lives and the
problem with this is not just that it’s
absurd wishful thinking it’s not rooted
in reality
this narrative we keep telling ourselves
it does nothing for kids it does not
teach them about hardship it doesn’t
help them form a healthier worldview it
teaches them nothing about what it means
to be human and as a result our current
culture leaves kids vulnerable and
unprepared because it doesn’t give them
any of the tools or the resources they
need in order to form a healthy identity
as a living creature that will one day
die and although we keep perpetuating
this culture of ours we have a choice we
can keep death and grief under the bed
right next to the imaginary monster or
we can shine a light on it and empower
kids with hope healthy coping strategies
for me personally I think the reason why
we keep death and grief next to the
boogeyman it’s because crazies are
really hard when grief says stay down
you will stay in bed for days then not
even realize you’ve been there when
Greece says weep now
you’ll bust a tear duct over something
as simple as the smell of perfume
because it reminds you of your mom but
when grief says gap son you can do this
you’ll do it and that’s because grief
navigates us forward no matter how hard
or how intense it is grief serves a
purpose but the problem is it’s hard and
difficult because it’s hard and
difficult we’ve labeled it as something
bad when in fact grief is good now for
all you skeptics haters and
non-believers out there let me introduce
you to Izzi and 2015 Izzi was at her
rock bottom because her dad died she was
8 at the time and Izzie isn’t a group
that I facilitate and she is this
adorable wonderful kid with amazing you
could say wild curly hair and she was
telling me about being bullied because
her dad is dead she said Joe even though
they put Purell in my hair and they
taught me that’s nothing I’ve had to
experience something far worse I’m not
afraid of no bully in short Izzy’s grief
taught her about herself we all know
that bullying is terrible in commonplace
than middle-school but this particular
adversity that affects Izzy and her pair
group well guess what it didn’t faze
Izzy because Izzy has experienced
something far worse she experienced the
death of her dad and the death of her
dad gave her grief and her grief taught
her to adapt taught her to be resilient
it gave her a new perspective on her
world and it even gave her the
opportunity to form a more confident
identity and guess what that new
identity of Izzy’s well it ain’t afraid
of no bully so how does grief do that
well first let me acknowledge kind of
hard to imagine that grief serves a
purpose when in the beginning it seems
incredibly unfair and like it’s only
purpose there’s to dismantle everything
you are but in action
allottee grief is a series of responses
that have to happen in order for you to
form a new and integrated identity as
someone who has lost someone or
something you love let me say that again
grief is a series of responses that have
to happen in order for you to form a new
and integrated identity as someone who
has lost someone you love and in that
process you learn about endurance and
friendship and character and resilience
and who you are at your core you see
death implode your life but grief puts
it back together that reconstruction
process that was part of Izzy’s grief
work that gave her tools that are going
to serve her today and for the rest of
her life so why then are we not
equipping every child with these tools
by talking openly about grief and
talking differently about grief for me
that tuna melt with my aunt was the most
important lunch of my life there wasn’t
pretty and it wasn’t easy but if that
lunch was on my calendar today you
better believe I would show up and I
would eat the months following her death
were brutal but I now know that those
months or what led me here as my hero
mr. Rogers said oftentimes when we think
we’re at the end of something we’re at
the beginning of something else friends
we have to be at the end of our
dysfunctional treatment of grief kids
like Izzy are depending on us to build
something new and I promise you there is
something better more real and something
so much more hopeful awaiting us then
that is because grief is good Thank You
Izzy come on out
where she is a come on put your phone
down
come on is he on your feet people on
your feet is he
[Applause]
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