[Music]
welcome to the future today we are at
the point in history when we are the
most technologically advanced society
ever we have robots that are using
computers making surgery so precise that
they are the incisions are smaller than
the breadth of a human hair we
communicate with the speed of light I
have it at my house it’s wonderful thing
fiber internet we also using devices
like these are able to communicate to
other people across the world using
radio waves or you could use the radio
waves to cook your hot pockets but the
thing about all of this wonderful
technological advancement is we are at
the point in history when we are at our
worst communication aliy interpersonal
communication is at its all-time low the
running joke is you know two people
sitting in the same room texting each
other rather than talking I work in
information security specifically I have
been focused for the last year and a
half in social engineering and we
developed these models one of which is
also used by the FBI it’s called the
behavioral change stairway model as you
can see the behavioral change stairway
model is designed for hostage
negotiations really high-stress
situations like that but we also use it
in counseling we also use it in social
engineering and it’s something that is
wonderful very effective in
interpersonal communications as you can
see the steps rise through here you’ve
got active listening empathy rapport
influence and behavioral change is the
final result we’re going to talk about
all of these first off you need to
discuss what active listening is all
right this is a really really
complicated definition you guys ready
you ready it’s to listen actively
you can look this is the Japanese word
for active listening using your ear you
your eyes your undivided attention to
your heart now the point of active
listening is that we are hearing what
the person is saying but we’re not just
understanding the words we’re letting it
sink in psychologists and social
engineer Michele Fenster said it is
fully concentrating on the social
interaction fully concentrating on what
is being said rather than just the
speaker or looking for a way to respond
when the techniques that you use for
active listening they’re not anything
revolutionary you start out with
listening to what is being said
revolutionary concept right but not only
that I acknowledge what is being said
keep your mind focused keep yourself
engaged yes I understand
uh-huh things like that are simple
conversation movers but it tells the
other person I am being listened to
I’m important don’t fidget with your
phone don’t give them half your
attention on top of that acknowledge the
things that are being said repeat them
back don’t be mocking you know that you
can always tell when somebody’s kind of
teasing you oh so this is what you’re
actually saying right you always see the
joke is they lean forward and so sorry
whenever I’m teasing something it’s got
to be a full body thing but not only
this the pros over at social engineer
also will give a few tips one is watch
the body language pay attention to how
they’re moving but don’t get lost in it
right because there’s a disjoint and
body language and we detect it even
without training it’s instinctive but
it’s very very easy to just go down that
rabbit hole especially when you start to
learn how to do
number two don’t interrupt let them
speak everybody has got their own story
we are the heroes of our own story like
we saw in the earlier TED talk give them
the chance to tell you and then find a
way to fit into that story number three
keep your mind engaged
don’t let it drift don’t kind of wander
off my wife is here and she can tell
many many stories about she’ll be
telling me something and uh-huh yeah and
then dive just shut off the brain is no
longer clicking I’m thinking about hey
what’s for dinner don’t do that that is
not active listening and all of this
moves to develop empathy
now empathy is developed out of two
words M pathos to feel within right so
your goal with empathy and your goal
with active listening is to feel in
yourself what the other person is
feeling you do that by beginning to
imagine yourself in the same scenarios
giving yourself the the space to hear
what they’re hearing to experience what
they have experienced we are seeing
right now in the modern world a lot of
discussion about how there’s people who
are middle class white they are not
going to be able to understand the
experience of someone of another culture
or heritage that’s the goal of empathy I
may not be able to understand what one
of the girls in India is experiencing
but I can try my best to understand and
to empathize and to feel within myself
what they must be feeling and it will
help me to communicate more effectively
to them so we’ve talked about listening
now here’s the part where you start to
become active rapport building I think
that’s a beautiful picture personally
rapport building is a series of events
that you’re using to build
no equity with another person to get the
privilege of speaking into their life
now I work with at-risk kids a lot in my
spare time so breaking into a building
your goal with report is immediate you
want it fast you need to be able to get
this person to trust you just enough to
let you walk into that building with no
questions asked
cool however rapport with kids it’s a
little bit unique but the principles are
the same let me read you a quote real
quick this quote comes from Robin Drake
before I use these techniques or send
out any class to practice these
techniques I remind myself and them of
one everlasting rule that will
dramatically increase your probability
of success it is all about them the only
goal I have either for myself or the
individuals I teach is that in every
interaction the other person should walk
away feeling much better for having met
you you should brighten their day and
listen to them when no one else would
build that connection where others
wouldn’t and you will have mastered both
conversation and rapport keep that in
back your mind because that’s going to
come back to us so there are 10 basic
techniques of rapport and Drake was
actually asked hey house how do you
develop rapport and apparently he wrote
these 10 out on a napkin during lunch
one day so number one establish an
artificial time constraint establish any
kind of time constraint even if you’re
just saying oh this will only take just
a moment of your time it establishes to
that person hey you respect my time
you’re not going to waste it so I only
have to listen to you for this period
it’s a pretty effective manner the
number two body language here we come
back to body language hmm
it’s almost like body language is an
important part of the way that human
beings communicate shocking right
so watch their body language but also
watch yours make sure that your body
language is lining up with what you’re
saying
you know keep those internet memes in
the back of your mind don’t let them
kind of creep forward you know
somebody’s telling you home and my dog
just passed away and I’m really really
struggling with it be like okay dog
passed away serious body language sullen
calm don’t be like yeah it’s kind of
like the dog that has I have no idea
what I’m doing me haha yeah if you’re
smiling when somebody’s saying that is
not going to build rapport very
effectively number two or number three
excuse me speak slowly unlike what I’m
doing when you speak slowly the human
mind has the ability to process what is
being said we’re not responding on
something called amygdala hijacking you
can dig into Chris had naggy speeches on
amygdala hijacking wonderful stuff but
if you speak slowly we tend to trust
people more if you slow down to a
manageable level all of a sudden you’re
able to process what I am saying as I
say it however the opposite of that is
the old colloquialism boy that salesman
was a fast talker you ever been to a car
lot anybody yeah we were there a couple
weeks ago and it was just a nightmare
the guy spoke so quickly you’re like
what am i buying a car or is this an
auction don’t be afraid to ask for help
right sympathy themes as a part of human
nature are very effective we by our
nature are extremely social animals we
want to help we want to reach out to
another person and we want to be able to
be the hero you know how many of you in
here have been children you know as a
kid didn’t tie a towel around your neck
and then another how many of you jumped
off of the roof of your house thinking
that you were Superman and could fly
so sometimes heroism doesn’t quite work
but don’t be afraid to ask for help and
in order to ask for help comes the next
technique ego suspension here we come
circling back it’s not about you
effective communication stops being
about you it becomes about the other
person it becomes us I’m no longer
trying to be the main character of the
story I’m trying to be a part of your
story not one in my experience has been
far and away the most effective allow
yourself to be taught you don’t get the
last word ask open-ended questions which
is another technique who what when where
why how mean not all of those are going
to apply in a single situation some of
them are going to be kind of sporadic
but the thing is when you are open-ended
in your questioning the people are going
to be more responsive in giving answers
they’re more willing to open up because
hey guess what my favorite topic to talk
about is me and I’d go to bed that it’s
probably your favorite topic to talk
about to validate their feelings doesn’t
matter if it’s the most off-the-wall
insane thing this person could be
wearing a tinfoil fedora validate what
they’re feeling you know I understand
how you would feel that way it goes back
to empathy if we validate what they’re
feeling they’re going to be more willing
to tell us what they’re feeling quid pro
quo
something for something again this goes
back to partially my experience with
kids partially my experience as social
engineer you know I we would do
something called fishing which is
calling a company posing as an attacker
and hi my name is Jim Johnson
immediately I’ve given them something of
mine you now have not only my first name
but my last name so if I ask you to
verify your identity you’re going to be
more so
chillie inclined to say oh yes that’s my
name or if I greet you hi my name is
Brian Brian Austin you’re going to be
more inclined to give me your first and
last name fascinating principle with
kids if you give them respect this isn’t
a hundred percent but my experience
again if you give a person respect they
are more inclined to give it back on top
of that give a gift you know if you walk
up to somebody even if it’s something
that you plan to take back you know like
a clipboard a pen you know here hi my
name is Brian awesome you know could you
hold this for me yeah automatically we
start to want to talk more there was
some research done by a guy named Robert
Cialdini
and we’ll talk about him in a second but
when he gave people something to hold
like a clipboard to sign they were more
inclined to actually work with him and
to give him more information gifts come
in all shapes and sizes be aware of that
and the last one is manage your own
expectations how many of you have gone
into something with the anticipation hey
this is going to be awesome or just kill
it here we’re gonna get this
presentation and it’s going to rock and
then you get up there and edges are
automatically your whole body language
changes you go from bouncy to start to
close and shut down manage your
expectations because your disappointment
will show on you like a brightly lit
sign in the middle of the night but all
this moves into influence alright I’ve
got another quote for you hold on dr.
Robert Cialdini said my sense of the
proper way to determine what is ethical
is to make a distinction between a
smuggler of influence and a detective of
influence the smuggler knows these six
principles and then counterfeits them
bringing them into situations where they
don’t naturally reside the opposite is
the sluice approach the detectives
approach to influence
the detective also knows what the
principles are and goes into every
situation aware of them looking for the
natural presence of one or another of
these principles fascinating stuff so
influence is actually the act of leading
someone to want to make a change you use
influence you know let’s stop here for a
second and let’s talk about what he’s
discussing there is a difference between
influence and manipulation right and we
can all just kind of relate to
manipulation we’ve all dealt with toxic
people in our lives we’ve dealt with
manipulative salespeople whatever and
the manipulative deliberate manipulation
techniques are coercion threats
blackmail and sometimes manufacturing of
influence the goal of a manipulator is
to obtain your compliance to their
desires it’s not necessarily better you
it’s to better myself so let’s draw that
line really early number one rule number
one point to be made in influence
reciprocity remember when we were
talking about rapport quid pro quo
something for something if I give you
something you’re inclined to give me
something we go back to the name
instance if I give you my name you’re
going to be more inclined to give me
yours I can influence you to do
something along the lines of what I am
hoping to achieve in you by giving you
something in return
the next point consistency remain
consistent don’t flake out don’t follow
through have follow-through right how
many people know somebody that you know
oh yeah I’ll totally be there I am down
and nothing it’s hard to trust that
person and not only that it’s hard to
let that person speak into your life
with any degree of authority and next up
we’re going to talk about social proof
I mean we all know the social proof I
have a six-year-old and I caught myself
becoming my parents last week my son was
like but all the other boys are doing it
in the neighborhood and I was like yeah
and if all the other boys in the
neighborhood were jumping off of the
roof would you do it uh so I’d never do
that but what can I say
next point is liking all right I want
everybody to raise their right hand
right so a lot of you guys have been
chuckling at my jokes as bad as they are
and when I asked you to do something
nobody hesitated you can put them back
you’re good I wanted to demonstrate a
point you you kind of relate to me you
kind of like what I’m having to say I
made you chuckle so you’re like hey you
know why not let’s see what he’s doing
if you like me you’re more likely to
listen to me be likeable and to be
likeable is to be like someone there was
a study done on relationships and it
said that most relationships flourish oh
I am on the wrong side sorry I couldn’t
think of a better image for influence
than this but likeability is based on
proximity and similarity right so the
closer you are and the more similar you
are the more you are going to like one
another again it comes back to our
favorite topic to talk about is
ourselves if somebody is very similar to
us they must be a pretty decent person
because I know I am yeah now we move
into authority now this one’s really
really tricky because a lot of people
miss read this now Authority is not
being in authority it is being an
authority now the trick is I am given to
you as an authority so I am now looking
at you with a degree of understanding
and knowledge in this in this particular
area so the change that you’re hoping to
experience is going to happen based on
Matt
it all leads to a behavioral change the
final result is the point we have to
make sure that we know what our goal is
the goal is changing people in my world
it’s to gut insecurities and hurts in
people it’s to take the life of a kid
who has been told by the whole world
you’re never going to accomplish
anything and say hey you know what you
can do anything you want if you work
hard at it I’m going to walk with you
and I’m going to help you behavioral
change is like a butterfly coming out of
a chrysalis person has to want to change
but you can help influence that come
back to this quote the only goal that I
have for either myself or the
individuals I teach is that in every
interaction the other person should walk
away feeling much better for having met
you I would take that a step further and
say your goal should be that the other
person becomes better for having met you
now go out find someone find yourself
and be the change you want to be see in
the world
[Applause]
welcome to the future today we are at
the point in history when we are the
most technologically advanced society
ever we have robots that are using
computers making surgery so precise that
they are the incisions are smaller than
the breadth of a human hair we
communicate with the speed of light I
have it at my house it’s wonderful thing
fiber internet we also using devices
like these are able to communicate to
other people across the world using
radio waves or you could use the radio
waves to cook your hot pockets but the
thing about all of this wonderful
technological advancement is we are at
the point in history when we are at our
worst communication aliy interpersonal
communication is at its all-time low the
running joke is you know two people
sitting in the same room texting each
other rather than talking I work in
information security specifically I have
been focused for the last year and a
half in social engineering and we
developed these models one of which is
also used by the FBI it’s called the
behavioral change stairway model as you
can see the behavioral change stairway
model is designed for hostage
negotiations really high-stress
situations like that but we also use it
in counseling we also use it in social
engineering and it’s something that is
wonderful very effective in
interpersonal communications as you can
see the steps rise through here you’ve
got active listening empathy rapport
influence and behavioral change is the
final result we’re going to talk about
all of these first off you need to
discuss what active listening is all
right this is a really really
complicated definition you guys ready
you ready it’s to listen actively
you can look this is the Japanese word
for active listening using your ear you
your eyes your undivided attention to
your heart now the point of active
listening is that we are hearing what
the person is saying but we’re not just
understanding the words we’re letting it
sink in psychologists and social
engineer Michele Fenster said it is
fully concentrating on the social
interaction fully concentrating on what
is being said rather than just the
speaker or looking for a way to respond
when the techniques that you use for
active listening they’re not anything
revolutionary you start out with
listening to what is being said
revolutionary concept right but not only
that I acknowledge what is being said
keep your mind focused keep yourself
engaged yes I understand
uh-huh things like that are simple
conversation movers but it tells the
other person I am being listened to
I’m important don’t fidget with your
phone don’t give them half your
attention on top of that acknowledge the
things that are being said repeat them
back don’t be mocking you know that you
can always tell when somebody’s kind of
teasing you oh so this is what you’re
actually saying right you always see the
joke is they lean forward and so sorry
whenever I’m teasing something it’s got
to be a full body thing but not only
this the pros over at social engineer
also will give a few tips one is watch
the body language pay attention to how
they’re moving but don’t get lost in it
right because there’s a disjoint and
body language and we detect it even
without training it’s instinctive but
it’s very very easy to just go down that
rabbit hole especially when you start to
learn how to do
number two don’t interrupt let them
speak everybody has got their own story
we are the heroes of our own story like
we saw in the earlier TED talk give them
the chance to tell you and then find a
way to fit into that story number three
keep your mind engaged
don’t let it drift don’t kind of wander
off my wife is here and she can tell
many many stories about she’ll be
telling me something and uh-huh yeah and
then dive just shut off the brain is no
longer clicking I’m thinking about hey
what’s for dinner don’t do that that is
not active listening and all of this
moves to develop empathy
now empathy is developed out of two
words M pathos to feel within right so
your goal with empathy and your goal
with active listening is to feel in
yourself what the other person is
feeling you do that by beginning to
imagine yourself in the same scenarios
giving yourself the the space to hear
what they’re hearing to experience what
they have experienced we are seeing
right now in the modern world a lot of
discussion about how there’s people who
are middle class white they are not
going to be able to understand the
experience of someone of another culture
or heritage that’s the goal of empathy I
may not be able to understand what one
of the girls in India is experiencing
but I can try my best to understand and
to empathize and to feel within myself
what they must be feeling and it will
help me to communicate more effectively
to them so we’ve talked about listening
now here’s the part where you start to
become active rapport building I think
that’s a beautiful picture personally
rapport building is a series of events
that you’re using to build
no equity with another person to get the
privilege of speaking into their life
now I work with at-risk kids a lot in my
spare time so breaking into a building
your goal with report is immediate you
want it fast you need to be able to get
this person to trust you just enough to
let you walk into that building with no
questions asked
cool however rapport with kids it’s a
little bit unique but the principles are
the same let me read you a quote real
quick this quote comes from Robin Drake
before I use these techniques or send
out any class to practice these
techniques I remind myself and them of
one everlasting rule that will
dramatically increase your probability
of success it is all about them the only
goal I have either for myself or the
individuals I teach is that in every
interaction the other person should walk
away feeling much better for having met
you you should brighten their day and
listen to them when no one else would
build that connection where others
wouldn’t and you will have mastered both
conversation and rapport keep that in
back your mind because that’s going to
come back to us so there are 10 basic
techniques of rapport and Drake was
actually asked hey house how do you
develop rapport and apparently he wrote
these 10 out on a napkin during lunch
one day so number one establish an
artificial time constraint establish any
kind of time constraint even if you’re
just saying oh this will only take just
a moment of your time it establishes to
that person hey you respect my time
you’re not going to waste it so I only
have to listen to you for this period
it’s a pretty effective manner the
number two body language here we come
back to body language hmm
it’s almost like body language is an
important part of the way that human
beings communicate shocking right
so watch their body language but also
watch yours make sure that your body
language is lining up with what you’re
saying
you know keep those internet memes in
the back of your mind don’t let them
kind of creep forward you know
somebody’s telling you home and my dog
just passed away and I’m really really
struggling with it be like okay dog
passed away serious body language sullen
calm don’t be like yeah it’s kind of
like the dog that has I have no idea
what I’m doing me haha yeah if you’re
smiling when somebody’s saying that is
not going to build rapport very
effectively number two or number three
excuse me speak slowly unlike what I’m
doing when you speak slowly the human
mind has the ability to process what is
being said we’re not responding on
something called amygdala hijacking you
can dig into Chris had naggy speeches on
amygdala hijacking wonderful stuff but
if you speak slowly we tend to trust
people more if you slow down to a
manageable level all of a sudden you’re
able to process what I am saying as I
say it however the opposite of that is
the old colloquialism boy that salesman
was a fast talker you ever been to a car
lot anybody yeah we were there a couple
weeks ago and it was just a nightmare
the guy spoke so quickly you’re like
what am i buying a car or is this an
auction don’t be afraid to ask for help
right sympathy themes as a part of human
nature are very effective we by our
nature are extremely social animals we
want to help we want to reach out to
another person and we want to be able to
be the hero you know how many of you in
here have been children you know as a
kid didn’t tie a towel around your neck
and then another how many of you jumped
off of the roof of your house thinking
that you were Superman and could fly
so sometimes heroism doesn’t quite work
but don’t be afraid to ask for help and
in order to ask for help comes the next
technique ego suspension here we come
circling back it’s not about you
effective communication stops being
about you it becomes about the other
person it becomes us I’m no longer
trying to be the main character of the
story I’m trying to be a part of your
story not one in my experience has been
far and away the most effective allow
yourself to be taught you don’t get the
last word ask open-ended questions which
is another technique who what when where
why how mean not all of those are going
to apply in a single situation some of
them are going to be kind of sporadic
but the thing is when you are open-ended
in your questioning the people are going
to be more responsive in giving answers
they’re more willing to open up because
hey guess what my favorite topic to talk
about is me and I’d go to bed that it’s
probably your favorite topic to talk
about to validate their feelings doesn’t
matter if it’s the most off-the-wall
insane thing this person could be
wearing a tinfoil fedora validate what
they’re feeling you know I understand
how you would feel that way it goes back
to empathy if we validate what they’re
feeling they’re going to be more willing
to tell us what they’re feeling quid pro
quo
something for something again this goes
back to partially my experience with
kids partially my experience as social
engineer you know I we would do
something called fishing which is
calling a company posing as an attacker
and hi my name is Jim Johnson
immediately I’ve given them something of
mine you now have not only my first name
but my last name so if I ask you to
verify your identity you’re going to be
more so
chillie inclined to say oh yes that’s my
name or if I greet you hi my name is
Brian Brian Austin you’re going to be
more inclined to give me your first and
last name fascinating principle with
kids if you give them respect this isn’t
a hundred percent but my experience
again if you give a person respect they
are more inclined to give it back on top
of that give a gift you know if you walk
up to somebody even if it’s something
that you plan to take back you know like
a clipboard a pen you know here hi my
name is Brian awesome you know could you
hold this for me yeah automatically we
start to want to talk more there was
some research done by a guy named Robert
Cialdini
and we’ll talk about him in a second but
when he gave people something to hold
like a clipboard to sign they were more
inclined to actually work with him and
to give him more information gifts come
in all shapes and sizes be aware of that
and the last one is manage your own
expectations how many of you have gone
into something with the anticipation hey
this is going to be awesome or just kill
it here we’re gonna get this
presentation and it’s going to rock and
then you get up there and edges are
automatically your whole body language
changes you go from bouncy to start to
close and shut down manage your
expectations because your disappointment
will show on you like a brightly lit
sign in the middle of the night but all
this moves into influence alright I’ve
got another quote for you hold on dr.
Robert Cialdini said my sense of the
proper way to determine what is ethical
is to make a distinction between a
smuggler of influence and a detective of
influence the smuggler knows these six
principles and then counterfeits them
bringing them into situations where they
don’t naturally reside the opposite is
the sluice approach the detectives
approach to influence
the detective also knows what the
principles are and goes into every
situation aware of them looking for the
natural presence of one or another of
these principles fascinating stuff so
influence is actually the act of leading
someone to want to make a change you use
influence you know let’s stop here for a
second and let’s talk about what he’s
discussing there is a difference between
influence and manipulation right and we
can all just kind of relate to
manipulation we’ve all dealt with toxic
people in our lives we’ve dealt with
manipulative salespeople whatever and
the manipulative deliberate manipulation
techniques are coercion threats
blackmail and sometimes manufacturing of
influence the goal of a manipulator is
to obtain your compliance to their
desires it’s not necessarily better you
it’s to better myself so let’s draw that
line really early number one rule number
one point to be made in influence
reciprocity remember when we were
talking about rapport quid pro quo
something for something if I give you
something you’re inclined to give me
something we go back to the name
instance if I give you my name you’re
going to be more inclined to give me
yours I can influence you to do
something along the lines of what I am
hoping to achieve in you by giving you
something in return
the next point consistency remain
consistent don’t flake out don’t follow
through have follow-through right how
many people know somebody that you know
oh yeah I’ll totally be there I am down
and nothing it’s hard to trust that
person and not only that it’s hard to
let that person speak into your life
with any degree of authority and next up
we’re going to talk about social proof
I mean we all know the social proof I
have a six-year-old and I caught myself
becoming my parents last week my son was
like but all the other boys are doing it
in the neighborhood and I was like yeah
and if all the other boys in the
neighborhood were jumping off of the
roof would you do it uh so I’d never do
that but what can I say
next point is liking all right I want
everybody to raise their right hand
right so a lot of you guys have been
chuckling at my jokes as bad as they are
and when I asked you to do something
nobody hesitated you can put them back
you’re good I wanted to demonstrate a
point you you kind of relate to me you
kind of like what I’m having to say I
made you chuckle so you’re like hey you
know why not let’s see what he’s doing
if you like me you’re more likely to
listen to me be likeable and to be
likeable is to be like someone there was
a study done on relationships and it
said that most relationships flourish oh
I am on the wrong side sorry I couldn’t
think of a better image for influence
than this but likeability is based on
proximity and similarity right so the
closer you are and the more similar you
are the more you are going to like one
another again it comes back to our
favorite topic to talk about is
ourselves if somebody is very similar to
us they must be a pretty decent person
because I know I am yeah now we move
into authority now this one’s really
really tricky because a lot of people
miss read this now Authority is not
being in authority it is being an
authority now the trick is I am given to
you as an authority so I am now looking
at you with a degree of understanding
and knowledge in this in this particular
area so the change that you’re hoping to
experience is going to happen based on
Matt
it all leads to a behavioral change the
final result is the point we have to
make sure that we know what our goal is
the goal is changing people in my world
it’s to gut insecurities and hurts in
people it’s to take the life of a kid
who has been told by the whole world
you’re never going to accomplish
anything and say hey you know what you
can do anything you want if you work
hard at it I’m going to walk with you
and I’m going to help you behavioral
change is like a butterfly coming out of
a chrysalis person has to want to change
but you can help influence that come
back to this quote the only goal that I
have for either myself or the
individuals I teach is that in every
interaction the other person should walk
away feeling much better for having met
you I would take that a step further and
say your goal should be that the other
person becomes better for having met you
now go out find someone find yourself
and be the change you want to be see in
the world
[Applause]
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