Oh a lot of things ID standing on the
stage but that’s not what I want to talk
about would you believe me if I say
loneliness kills how many of you would
be willing to believe that that
loneliness kills and I have a show of
hands wow that’s a large majority I’m
glad to see that at awareness is here
dr. Judith who’ll unstirred she’s a
researcher a professor of psychology and
neuroscience at University of Riggin
she did her meta-analysis in 2010
covering about 3.4 million people and
the results were astounding the results
show that the risk for premature death
increases by 30 percent for people who
experience loneliness in their lives and
who are the ones who have a stronger
chances for survival
50% people who had stronger
relationships had better chances of
survival the risk for premature
mortality stroke CED cardiovascular
arterial diseases they all go up as
loneliness increases since 1980s the
percentage of people who report being
lonely has doubled by 40% isn’t that
astounding in a world that’s barely
being able to contain a seven point six
billion population the latest epidemic
creeping up our lives is loneliness in
India alone a National Sample Survey
office reports that 4.91 billion million
people are living alone and suffering
from loneliness social isolation
wouldn’t go down with anyone not even
animals not even a fruit fly a fruit
flies lifespan can be shortened if
subjected to social isolation what is
wrong with us we have to question that
with a wide variety of god-gifted
and man-made communication tools with
social media networks which by the way
thrives on her ability to isolate
ourselves even when we are with people
by the w-h-o had to run a campaign
called let’s talk for me let’s talk
begins with let’s listen
I am smithy I’m a clinical psychologist
with 18 years of experience in the field
to validate my expertise to talk on this
topic and a personal encounter with
depression arising from loneliness which
makes me choose this topic to speak on
it my entire journey from being a $1
send to a psychotherapist to a mother of
two girls has been full of experiences
of people just wanting to be heard as an
adolescent when my parents would tell me
if they were busy and they would say no
we are not available right now it would
just shrink my face down and shrink my
heart down that there’s no one available
to listen to me same goes for my
daughters and the experiences have only
risen in the past even in my clinical
experience I see people who come in they
walk in alone it’s surprising when I ask
them is there someone with you have you
shared with someone what you’re going
through
and the answer is no I’ve been designing
psychotherapeutic interventions for the
world’s first metalhead chat wall called
wiser we also offer a coach platform on
which I coach people who come on in
anonymity anonymity increases people’s
responses to share about what they are
going through why is that why do people
feel that it’s we or it’s uncomfortable
to come up and say I’m going through a
certain phase and I need help
triggers for loneliness have been a
research to be ranging from a job loss
to loss of a spouse to working alone in
a remote setting like I work there are
multiple reasons which can lead to
loneliness workplace loneliness is a
well-researched term to the individual
at a workplace if ignored or if feels
unheard or unattended can go through
extreme loneliness low motivation and
low productivity
it just doesn’t affect that an
individual alone it affects the team
probably it also affects the entire
organization loneliness has been
experienced by me personally in 2010 I
had gone to the US with my family the
land of opportunities
land of having fun we were all excited
but somewhere inside me I had the silly
thought my accent wouldn’t be understood
why would my accent be not understood
but I am not sure where this thought
struck me from my applications were
rejected I never realised h4 visa did
not allow me to work I had limited
interactions with my family on skype my
volunteering applications were not even
acknowledged was a not even worth that
much slowly the inner critic in me
started becoming like a bully
loneliness is such a shameful experience
it’s it just does not let you
acknowledge what you’re going through it
completely takes you over it pushes you
down further and further if you look
inside the mind of a lonely person what
would you find a tiny jack-in-the-box
this tiny jack-in-the-box is actually
the inner critic the function of this
inner critic is actually useful it’s
there to keep a check on you to help you
see whether you’re following the right
path but if you listen to it too much it
can actually start bullying you it
started bullying me to such an extent
that there was a very funny episode that
happened in my state during the in the
US I received a phone call the voice on
the other had said ma’am I’m here to
help you and I was so down in my own
thoughts and I replied nothing can help
me right now you can’t help me
and the person replied of course I can
I’m the plumber you’d called me to fix
your taps Oh fix my taps right that’s
what I was waiting for I finally found
the fix for my life when my husband who
was completely enjoying the newfound
silence for him in the u.s. because I’d
started talking less I was more
engrossed in my own thoughts when there
was a very senseless argument Maya we
had and I cut myself right here and I
cut myself so bad that it shook him and
me both out of her wits that there was
something serious there was something
going wrong and I needed help I would
like to share a quote which one of my
patients have said
I realized something today for years
I’ve been working hard keeping people at
bay I slowly build this wall around me
to keep people out a tiny voice in my
head said if you let them in they may
hurt you right but now I miss having
someone to talk to and I just don’t know
how to break this wall down for me
loneliness is a change reaction is it
just doesn’t stop at that one person the
people around that lonely person would
also be missing out on the interaction
from this particular individual so if
it’s one person less for him or her it’s
one person less for those in their
circle then loneliness sets in it
triggers a high threat for
hyper-vigilance pursue for social
interactions if I go somewhere like I
mentioned for my own experience in the
u.s. I wouldn’t make calls to property
offices for going to see a rental
apartment I would feel I would be judged
for how I talk if I would go out to a
supermarket I was very conscious of what
I was wearing
I was actually pushing myself inside
without trying to question my inner
critic the tiny jack-in-the-box of what
he was telling me and I was believing it
completely as it is and with this we
also send out signals to people around
us that we are closed for interaction
sorry you’re not needed and then we do
that we push people away there’s another
patient of mine who shared this
particular narrative with me I’ll just
share it with you looking back I believe
the cycle was not seeing my friends for
a while because I felt they didn’t
needed me and being with very isolated
people at work I reduced my social
interactions further leading me to not
reach out to meet my friends again it
led to more loneliness and more bad
thoughts I’m not exaggerating that it’s
a chain reaction
they have been longitudinal studies with
people covering three generations of
people for the same family in the same
community and it showed that people who
were lonely and people who were non
lonely the non lonelier people grew more
lonelier then staying close to the
lonely people that’s a lot of loneliness
I just said monkeys were experimented on
by an experiment by a researcher called
Harlow and this was way back in 1965
isolated monkey was put back in its own
group and the group members rejected
this monkey are we doing the same with
marginalized communities people with
mental health disorders people victims
of riots calamities food for thought are
we as a community doing enough so then
is it all so dark
is there no ray of light there is well
what do we need in us to notice that
need what do you think we need to notice
that need the ability to be able to
acknowledge that need in us in us and in
another person and the best part is that
we have been innately wired with a
mammalian caregiving soothing system we
all have it in us we have to learn how
to tap into it I’ll give you an example
I’m sure we’ve all what you’ve all
watched that video there was a video
which was doing rounds on our social
media networks recently but there was a
lion a leopard sorry it attacked a
baboon the baboon had a baby clinging to
it that lion even if it was hungry and
it hunted for hunger did not touch the
mother baboons body in fact it took over
the baby baboon that is empathy in
action when we see a child our own child
trying for distress however much in pain
VR or however much busy we are we often
give that state of ours up move ahead
and address the distress call in that
child 1 million years of survival of
human species as a tribe has proven that
we will do well with social connections
with that social bonding Barbara
Fredrickson is a psychologist and she
says your brain is tied to your heart
the more you tune into others the more
healthy you will become so there’s a
reward that comes in when you start
tuning in with other people and it’s
actually
your truth your brain is tied to your
heart with the vagal nerve that runs and
the pulse rate tells you actually how
healthy you are what is actually needed
in today’s times is a non-judgmental
empathetic compassionate e’er the
childhood I worked for I worked for has
already had 400,000 downloads but people
coming in to talk to a machine only to
be heard only to be feeling not judged
dr. Tracy ruble is a part freaking
psychologist who started as a project
called the sidewalk project the sidewalk
project is nothing but strangers
offering listening services sitting in a
street or a park can we all do that too
how do we silence that little
jack-in-the-box inside us is an
important question for us as individuals
who may feel lonely and who may want
help the best thing is to acknowledge at
that point in time is this my usual way
of thinking can I examine this thought
for its rationality for me was I being
rational when I thought I wouldn’t
venture out at all because my accent
wouldn’t be understood was that really
the truth that people in the marketplace
not understand what I was asking for so
look for evidences look examine your
thoughts look for evidence is contrary
to yourself critical thoughts you can’t
fall from an empty cup and this goes out
for people who wish to be gatekeepers in
addressing loneliness in the society you
have to acknowledge your own needs you
have to tune into your own cells because
before you lend out your ear to another
person as a psychologist I do feel
drained out many times I feel I would
not be able to read justice to the
people who come to me for help what
helps me is a minute of mindfulness is a
minute of thinking that helps me see am
I ready to listen to this person am I
ready to check on this person this
change in me my outlook towards myself
and towards the people who come to me in
my practice is credited to dr. Bernie
Browns working dr. Christian Neff work
they believe that self empathy and
compassion that is
two elements which activate the
mammalian caregiving system can be
tapped into if we intentionally start
putting it into practice these are
skills that can be cultivated we can
intentionally work on becoming more
helpful less judgmental not offering
well-meaning but unhelpful advice like
shake it off who have an ice cream go to
a park why don’t you go and have fun
with your friends
I feel cultivating these skills at a
community level and our curriculum
levels is of much importance this is the
core of preventive mental health
loneliness is not his her or my problem
it’s our problem let’s fix it
stage but that’s not what I want to talk
about would you believe me if I say
loneliness kills how many of you would
be willing to believe that that
loneliness kills and I have a show of
hands wow that’s a large majority I’m
glad to see that at awareness is here
dr. Judith who’ll unstirred she’s a
researcher a professor of psychology and
neuroscience at University of Riggin
she did her meta-analysis in 2010
covering about 3.4 million people and
the results were astounding the results
show that the risk for premature death
increases by 30 percent for people who
experience loneliness in their lives and
who are the ones who have a stronger
chances for survival
50% people who had stronger
relationships had better chances of
survival the risk for premature
mortality stroke CED cardiovascular
arterial diseases they all go up as
loneliness increases since 1980s the
percentage of people who report being
lonely has doubled by 40% isn’t that
astounding in a world that’s barely
being able to contain a seven point six
billion population the latest epidemic
creeping up our lives is loneliness in
India alone a National Sample Survey
office reports that 4.91 billion million
people are living alone and suffering
from loneliness social isolation
wouldn’t go down with anyone not even
animals not even a fruit fly a fruit
flies lifespan can be shortened if
subjected to social isolation what is
wrong with us we have to question that
with a wide variety of god-gifted
and man-made communication tools with
social media networks which by the way
thrives on her ability to isolate
ourselves even when we are with people
by the w-h-o had to run a campaign
called let’s talk for me let’s talk
begins with let’s listen
I am smithy I’m a clinical psychologist
with 18 years of experience in the field
to validate my expertise to talk on this
topic and a personal encounter with
depression arising from loneliness which
makes me choose this topic to speak on
it my entire journey from being a $1
send to a psychotherapist to a mother of
two girls has been full of experiences
of people just wanting to be heard as an
adolescent when my parents would tell me
if they were busy and they would say no
we are not available right now it would
just shrink my face down and shrink my
heart down that there’s no one available
to listen to me same goes for my
daughters and the experiences have only
risen in the past even in my clinical
experience I see people who come in they
walk in alone it’s surprising when I ask
them is there someone with you have you
shared with someone what you’re going
through
and the answer is no I’ve been designing
psychotherapeutic interventions for the
world’s first metalhead chat wall called
wiser we also offer a coach platform on
which I coach people who come on in
anonymity anonymity increases people’s
responses to share about what they are
going through why is that why do people
feel that it’s we or it’s uncomfortable
to come up and say I’m going through a
certain phase and I need help
triggers for loneliness have been a
research to be ranging from a job loss
to loss of a spouse to working alone in
a remote setting like I work there are
multiple reasons which can lead to
loneliness workplace loneliness is a
well-researched term to the individual
at a workplace if ignored or if feels
unheard or unattended can go through
extreme loneliness low motivation and
low productivity
it just doesn’t affect that an
individual alone it affects the team
probably it also affects the entire
organization loneliness has been
experienced by me personally in 2010 I
had gone to the US with my family the
land of opportunities
land of having fun we were all excited
but somewhere inside me I had the silly
thought my accent wouldn’t be understood
why would my accent be not understood
but I am not sure where this thought
struck me from my applications were
rejected I never realised h4 visa did
not allow me to work I had limited
interactions with my family on skype my
volunteering applications were not even
acknowledged was a not even worth that
much slowly the inner critic in me
started becoming like a bully
loneliness is such a shameful experience
it’s it just does not let you
acknowledge what you’re going through it
completely takes you over it pushes you
down further and further if you look
inside the mind of a lonely person what
would you find a tiny jack-in-the-box
this tiny jack-in-the-box is actually
the inner critic the function of this
inner critic is actually useful it’s
there to keep a check on you to help you
see whether you’re following the right
path but if you listen to it too much it
can actually start bullying you it
started bullying me to such an extent
that there was a very funny episode that
happened in my state during the in the
US I received a phone call the voice on
the other had said ma’am I’m here to
help you and I was so down in my own
thoughts and I replied nothing can help
me right now you can’t help me
and the person replied of course I can
I’m the plumber you’d called me to fix
your taps Oh fix my taps right that’s
what I was waiting for I finally found
the fix for my life when my husband who
was completely enjoying the newfound
silence for him in the u.s. because I’d
started talking less I was more
engrossed in my own thoughts when there
was a very senseless argument Maya we
had and I cut myself right here and I
cut myself so bad that it shook him and
me both out of her wits that there was
something serious there was something
going wrong and I needed help I would
like to share a quote which one of my
patients have said
I realized something today for years
I’ve been working hard keeping people at
bay I slowly build this wall around me
to keep people out a tiny voice in my
head said if you let them in they may
hurt you right but now I miss having
someone to talk to and I just don’t know
how to break this wall down for me
loneliness is a change reaction is it
just doesn’t stop at that one person the
people around that lonely person would
also be missing out on the interaction
from this particular individual so if
it’s one person less for him or her it’s
one person less for those in their
circle then loneliness sets in it
triggers a high threat for
hyper-vigilance pursue for social
interactions if I go somewhere like I
mentioned for my own experience in the
u.s. I wouldn’t make calls to property
offices for going to see a rental
apartment I would feel I would be judged
for how I talk if I would go out to a
supermarket I was very conscious of what
I was wearing
I was actually pushing myself inside
without trying to question my inner
critic the tiny jack-in-the-box of what
he was telling me and I was believing it
completely as it is and with this we
also send out signals to people around
us that we are closed for interaction
sorry you’re not needed and then we do
that we push people away there’s another
patient of mine who shared this
particular narrative with me I’ll just
share it with you looking back I believe
the cycle was not seeing my friends for
a while because I felt they didn’t
needed me and being with very isolated
people at work I reduced my social
interactions further leading me to not
reach out to meet my friends again it
led to more loneliness and more bad
thoughts I’m not exaggerating that it’s
a chain reaction
they have been longitudinal studies with
people covering three generations of
people for the same family in the same
community and it showed that people who
were lonely and people who were non
lonely the non lonelier people grew more
lonelier then staying close to the
lonely people that’s a lot of loneliness
I just said monkeys were experimented on
by an experiment by a researcher called
Harlow and this was way back in 1965
isolated monkey was put back in its own
group and the group members rejected
this monkey are we doing the same with
marginalized communities people with
mental health disorders people victims
of riots calamities food for thought are
we as a community doing enough so then
is it all so dark
is there no ray of light there is well
what do we need in us to notice that
need what do you think we need to notice
that need the ability to be able to
acknowledge that need in us in us and in
another person and the best part is that
we have been innately wired with a
mammalian caregiving soothing system we
all have it in us we have to learn how
to tap into it I’ll give you an example
I’m sure we’ve all what you’ve all
watched that video there was a video
which was doing rounds on our social
media networks recently but there was a
lion a leopard sorry it attacked a
baboon the baboon had a baby clinging to
it that lion even if it was hungry and
it hunted for hunger did not touch the
mother baboons body in fact it took over
the baby baboon that is empathy in
action when we see a child our own child
trying for distress however much in pain
VR or however much busy we are we often
give that state of ours up move ahead
and address the distress call in that
child 1 million years of survival of
human species as a tribe has proven that
we will do well with social connections
with that social bonding Barbara
Fredrickson is a psychologist and she
says your brain is tied to your heart
the more you tune into others the more
healthy you will become so there’s a
reward that comes in when you start
tuning in with other people and it’s
actually
your truth your brain is tied to your
heart with the vagal nerve that runs and
the pulse rate tells you actually how
healthy you are what is actually needed
in today’s times is a non-judgmental
empathetic compassionate e’er the
childhood I worked for I worked for has
already had 400,000 downloads but people
coming in to talk to a machine only to
be heard only to be feeling not judged
dr. Tracy ruble is a part freaking
psychologist who started as a project
called the sidewalk project the sidewalk
project is nothing but strangers
offering listening services sitting in a
street or a park can we all do that too
how do we silence that little
jack-in-the-box inside us is an
important question for us as individuals
who may feel lonely and who may want
help the best thing is to acknowledge at
that point in time is this my usual way
of thinking can I examine this thought
for its rationality for me was I being
rational when I thought I wouldn’t
venture out at all because my accent
wouldn’t be understood was that really
the truth that people in the marketplace
not understand what I was asking for so
look for evidences look examine your
thoughts look for evidence is contrary
to yourself critical thoughts you can’t
fall from an empty cup and this goes out
for people who wish to be gatekeepers in
addressing loneliness in the society you
have to acknowledge your own needs you
have to tune into your own cells because
before you lend out your ear to another
person as a psychologist I do feel
drained out many times I feel I would
not be able to read justice to the
people who come to me for help what
helps me is a minute of mindfulness is a
minute of thinking that helps me see am
I ready to listen to this person am I
ready to check on this person this
change in me my outlook towards myself
and towards the people who come to me in
my practice is credited to dr. Bernie
Browns working dr. Christian Neff work
they believe that self empathy and
compassion that is
two elements which activate the
mammalian caregiving system can be
tapped into if we intentionally start
putting it into practice these are
skills that can be cultivated we can
intentionally work on becoming more
helpful less judgmental not offering
well-meaning but unhelpful advice like
shake it off who have an ice cream go to
a park why don’t you go and have fun
with your friends
I feel cultivating these skills at a
community level and our curriculum
levels is of much importance this is the
core of preventive mental health
loneliness is not his her or my problem
it’s our problem let’s fix it
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