so I’ve lived a pretty charmed life
I was a perfect baby
I came out of the womb and I was already
a Singh Tess I’m not even sure at Apgar
stands for but I got a hundred or a ten
or whatever I started school at the age
of four and I excelled anyway I joined
lots of clubs and activities and I was
pretty good at a lot of them when I got
to high school I got pretty good grades
without even trying and I got into my
top choice college with a scholarship to
boot and I had a great time in college
who doesn’t I ended up getting an
internship and advertising that led to a
career in advertising that was way
cooler even back then than any other job
that my friends had I decided to leave
advertising and become a lawyer because
frankly I needed a challenge I got
married at 25 had a beautiful baby girl
at 30 and we had an amazing life we
lived on the water drove great cars
through great parties it was a blast and
at 30 I decided to start my own business
and I have had a great ride ever since
sounds like a great life doesn’t it
maybe even perfect the problem is it’s a
lie
well the elements of it are true but so
much of it is filtered so many relevant
parts are omitted that frankly lying by
omission it’s still a lie but don’t we
do that all the time on social media
with our friends with our colleagues we
tell them what we think they want to
hear or how you think they want to see
you and we show them a highlight reel
because we’re programmed that getting
likes and validation for being somehow
the best version of yourself is the only
way to live and it’s not true speaking
of the truth would you like to hear that
so I was a ginormous baby you could ask
my mom but she’ll tell you actually
without asking I was ten pounds one
ounce whoa oh yeah
natural sorry mom and when I was born
they hadn’t found out what I was
other than ginormous and so as she’s
giving birth
she’s just wants to know is it a boy or
a girl and all they kept saying was wow
look at its hands oh my gosh look at the
size of its feet like I was a puppy and
I ended up in the NICU for jaundice and
I didn’t even fit in the bins but the
nurses loved me because they’re so used
to preemies and not being able to really
hold the babies they hear they have like
a six bump bowl to hang out with and
that weight was a little bit
foreshadowing of what was to come
because I’m gonna blame this on my mom
she’s an amazing cook that was a really
good eater so when I started school I
had a little extra weigh on me and I was
also pretty intelligent and I answered
every question and nothing makes you a
target for bullies more than being smart
and fat so in fifth grade I signed up
for a pizza making class which in
retrospect doesn’t seem like the
smartest idea for a child who’s being
bullied for being overweight and we were
finished up and we’re sitting there in
the I can see the long tables and all
the classmates around me and and we’re
eating the fruits of our Labor’s and
this delightful child in front of me
decides to stay after the instructor had
let us know it’s over and her parents
are picking us up it’s not over until
the fat lady sings
and then she thrusts a microphone in my
face and said sing the fat lady I was 11
it’s funny how you remember all of the
really negative things that happen to
you but it’s hard sometimes to remember
those moments of kindness in sixth grade
I finally made some friends which was
pretty awesome but then they broke up
with me on the playground and I never
felt so alone and
empty I got lucky because in seventh
grade I was able to transfer schools and
it was the most amazing reprieve but
frankly it was too late the damage to my
self-esteem was done and no matter how
many people liked me how many boys liked
me how good I did in school how I looked
I always felt ugly and fat and worthless
and that went on throughout high school
until I got to college where I ended up
dropping a lot of weight really quickly
and I contribute that to the Syracuse
mountains but then I discovered 3 a.m.
Pizza and I didn’t realize until today
how pivotal Pizza has been in my life
and I ended up fluctuating in weight and
I developed an eating disorder to combat
it one that I would battle for 10 years
because I wouldn’t love myself until I
fit in the right pair of jeans I end up
meeting a lot of really bad men and I
made really poor choices and
relationships which I’m not sure if
you’re aware that there’s a correlation
between low self-esteem and bad choices
and relationships but there is and I
ended up taking a test a month before my
20th birthday one that you don’t get
graded on one that typically has two
pink lines or one and mine had two I
never questioned whether to keep my son
and I wish this part of the story was
when I said everything changed and I
loved myself and that he changed that
for me but he couldn’t and he didn’t
because as much as I loved him and loved
him I still hated me I met my now
ex-husband at 25 and it was a whirlwind
romance he was a savior and an escape in
one he showed up on her first date with
a brand-new Mercedes and always had
fresh roses in my room and we went to
expensive dinners and great vacations
and it seemed like a Disney fairy tale
for a single mom in law school until it
wasn’t and there’s a reason why I tell
people
to date for a while to see all sides of
someone because I’m not sure if you’re
confused about this but six weeks is not
enough time we’re engaged in six weeks
and married within ten months and it was
good for a minute until his demons
overtook our marriage and nearly broke
me and my children there was a lot that
you do for the sake of your children but
never at the expense of them and my
daughter she was only one at the time
and she was oblivious and perfect but my
son was older and he saw the toxicity
and felt the toxicity and I left and I
often wonder what I have left if it
weren’t for him and I hope I would say
yes
but I don’t know I have spent the last
seven years coming back to myself I’ve
embraced therapy I have studied yoga and
meditation most of I’ve changed the way
that I think I know that I can make
choices to better myself and I am not
ignorant to the fact that I am in a
privileged place to be able to make
those choices but I’ve learned that you
cannot be happy in hell no matter what
you do it’s a little bit of a contrast
to my first story wasn’t it how many
identified with me more having heard my
real story how many kind of wanted to
punch me in the face when I first
started talking
admit it it’s okay that’s what we do all
the time though we’re posting things and
we’re saying things and giving these
highlight reels that all they’re
creating is resentment we crave reality
and authenticity in the truth but we
don’t give it
we gush about our relationships on
Facebook when they’re really falling
apart we post pictures with people we
don’t even like we pretend that our kids
are perfect and that parenting is
effortless we buy things that we can’t
afford but we make sure everybody knows
about it and we create these illusions
seventy-five percent of people have
admitted to lying on social media every
10 minutes in a conversation people lie
three times on average right but why why
do we do that why do we think that
suddenly all of us isn’t enough that
telling people actually who we are isn’t
enough I do relationships that’s what I
do
that require authenticity and
vulnerability and showing who you are
and stopping the cycle of falsity I get
it that it’s hard to be vulnerable this
doesn’t happen overnight where you start
reading the chapters that you don’t
normally read aloud I’ve shared things
today that I’ve never shared before on a
stage you have to get to a point where
you realize that people won’t love you
less because you share who you are in
fact they love you more and they connect
to you because they get you I believe
that part of our self love academic is
because we are sharing things that
aren’t true and then those things are
getting validated right we’re getting
liked for the things that aren’t true or
are just our highlight reel thereby
perpetuating the thought that I wasn’t
enough before I think our self love
grows when we start to play the role of
ourselves
I was lucky enough to spend the last ten
years of my career on television and I
was able to be on a show called married
at first sight for a couple seasons and
when I left I got thousands of messages
from fans saying wow I’m gonna miss how
real you were I miss how authentic you
were and listen reality television is
what it is but I put my heart and soul
into it and I was happy that people
could see that I was being authentic
that I was being vulnerable that I truly
cared about the people that I was
working with large shallow networks feed
your ego small deep authentic
connections feed your soul so how do we
become more authentic how do we start
telling our stories and this isn’t
because I want you to go on Facebook and
start complaining about everything
that’s not it’s about it’s about being
real and it starts with being vulnerable
taking off your mask showing who you
truly are
I don’t get up here because I’m a
masochist and start telling you all the
things in my closet I get up here
because every time that I share
something about myself that’s deeply
personal and something that I’ve
transformed through I connect with
someone who’s going through or went
through the same thing who knows that
they can go through the fire and survive
and I’m not even pretending that my life
was so hard because I know everyone’s
stories are even more impactful than
mine but we’re not sharing them because
we’re afraid so how can you start to be
more vulnerable how can you start to
share parts of yourself whether you’re
in leadership or you’re in a partnership
you have to show someone who you are how
can someone truly love you if they don’t
know you
how can you truly be loved by someone if
second check your why check your why why
do you place so many filters and don’t
you take away my Instagram filters
that’s not
talk about but why do you filter so much
of the truth why do you lie by omission
why do we not read those chapters aloud
I had a client coming to me for help
with dating and she showed me her
profile and he’s like well who’s this I
didn’t recognize her she had so many
filters she used face tuning apps and
all these different things I mean those
little ears and noses are really cute
but be yourself and I asked her after
reading her profile which didn’t
describe her and seeing this pictures I
said why would you do that and she said
because I’m not enough I’m not enough as
I am check your why work on your why if
you don’t shine a light on it you can’t
heal it and demand more from each other
relationships are our greatest tool in
evolution if you see your friends or
loved ones putting on a front or a mask
because they think that’s what’s needed
call them out on it doing lovingly but
call them out on it let them know that
they are enough just as this and they
can share because the more that we
create spaces to be real to more reality
we actually achieve and lastly be
patient this is not something that
happens overnight
I didn’t start spilling my guts on my
first stage it takes a while and it
takes a little bit of courage but you
all can do it be patient with yourself
and be patient with others so I’ve
shared my story now it’s time to tell
your story and let people love you all of you imagine that thank you
I was a perfect baby
I came out of the womb and I was already
a Singh Tess I’m not even sure at Apgar
stands for but I got a hundred or a ten
or whatever I started school at the age
of four and I excelled anyway I joined
lots of clubs and activities and I was
pretty good at a lot of them when I got
to high school I got pretty good grades
without even trying and I got into my
top choice college with a scholarship to
boot and I had a great time in college
who doesn’t I ended up getting an
internship and advertising that led to a
career in advertising that was way
cooler even back then than any other job
that my friends had I decided to leave
advertising and become a lawyer because
frankly I needed a challenge I got
married at 25 had a beautiful baby girl
at 30 and we had an amazing life we
lived on the water drove great cars
through great parties it was a blast and
at 30 I decided to start my own business
and I have had a great ride ever since
sounds like a great life doesn’t it
maybe even perfect the problem is it’s a
lie
well the elements of it are true but so
much of it is filtered so many relevant
parts are omitted that frankly lying by
omission it’s still a lie but don’t we
do that all the time on social media
with our friends with our colleagues we
tell them what we think they want to
hear or how you think they want to see
you and we show them a highlight reel
because we’re programmed that getting
likes and validation for being somehow
the best version of yourself is the only
way to live and it’s not true speaking
of the truth would you like to hear that
so I was a ginormous baby you could ask
my mom but she’ll tell you actually
without asking I was ten pounds one
ounce whoa oh yeah
natural sorry mom and when I was born
they hadn’t found out what I was
other than ginormous and so as she’s
giving birth
she’s just wants to know is it a boy or
a girl and all they kept saying was wow
look at its hands oh my gosh look at the
size of its feet like I was a puppy and
I ended up in the NICU for jaundice and
I didn’t even fit in the bins but the
nurses loved me because they’re so used
to preemies and not being able to really
hold the babies they hear they have like
a six bump bowl to hang out with and
that weight was a little bit
foreshadowing of what was to come
because I’m gonna blame this on my mom
she’s an amazing cook that was a really
good eater so when I started school I
had a little extra weigh on me and I was
also pretty intelligent and I answered
every question and nothing makes you a
target for bullies more than being smart
and fat so in fifth grade I signed up
for a pizza making class which in
retrospect doesn’t seem like the
smartest idea for a child who’s being
bullied for being overweight and we were
finished up and we’re sitting there in
the I can see the long tables and all
the classmates around me and and we’re
eating the fruits of our Labor’s and
this delightful child in front of me
decides to stay after the instructor had
let us know it’s over and her parents
are picking us up it’s not over until
the fat lady sings
and then she thrusts a microphone in my
face and said sing the fat lady I was 11
it’s funny how you remember all of the
really negative things that happen to
you but it’s hard sometimes to remember
those moments of kindness in sixth grade
I finally made some friends which was
pretty awesome but then they broke up
with me on the playground and I never
felt so alone and
empty I got lucky because in seventh
grade I was able to transfer schools and
it was the most amazing reprieve but
frankly it was too late the damage to my
self-esteem was done and no matter how
many people liked me how many boys liked
me how good I did in school how I looked
I always felt ugly and fat and worthless
and that went on throughout high school
until I got to college where I ended up
dropping a lot of weight really quickly
and I contribute that to the Syracuse
mountains but then I discovered 3 a.m.
Pizza and I didn’t realize until today
how pivotal Pizza has been in my life
and I ended up fluctuating in weight and
I developed an eating disorder to combat
it one that I would battle for 10 years
because I wouldn’t love myself until I
fit in the right pair of jeans I end up
meeting a lot of really bad men and I
made really poor choices and
relationships which I’m not sure if
you’re aware that there’s a correlation
between low self-esteem and bad choices
and relationships but there is and I
ended up taking a test a month before my
20th birthday one that you don’t get
graded on one that typically has two
pink lines or one and mine had two I
never questioned whether to keep my son
and I wish this part of the story was
when I said everything changed and I
loved myself and that he changed that
for me but he couldn’t and he didn’t
because as much as I loved him and loved
him I still hated me I met my now
ex-husband at 25 and it was a whirlwind
romance he was a savior and an escape in
one he showed up on her first date with
a brand-new Mercedes and always had
fresh roses in my room and we went to
expensive dinners and great vacations
and it seemed like a Disney fairy tale
for a single mom in law school until it
wasn’t and there’s a reason why I tell
people
to date for a while to see all sides of
someone because I’m not sure if you’re
confused about this but six weeks is not
enough time we’re engaged in six weeks
and married within ten months and it was
good for a minute until his demons
overtook our marriage and nearly broke
me and my children there was a lot that
you do for the sake of your children but
never at the expense of them and my
daughter she was only one at the time
and she was oblivious and perfect but my
son was older and he saw the toxicity
and felt the toxicity and I left and I
often wonder what I have left if it
weren’t for him and I hope I would say
yes
but I don’t know I have spent the last
seven years coming back to myself I’ve
embraced therapy I have studied yoga and
meditation most of I’ve changed the way
that I think I know that I can make
choices to better myself and I am not
ignorant to the fact that I am in a
privileged place to be able to make
those choices but I’ve learned that you
cannot be happy in hell no matter what
you do it’s a little bit of a contrast
to my first story wasn’t it how many
identified with me more having heard my
real story how many kind of wanted to
punch me in the face when I first
started talking
admit it it’s okay that’s what we do all
the time though we’re posting things and
we’re saying things and giving these
highlight reels that all they’re
creating is resentment we crave reality
and authenticity in the truth but we
don’t give it
we gush about our relationships on
Facebook when they’re really falling
apart we post pictures with people we
don’t even like we pretend that our kids
are perfect and that parenting is
effortless we buy things that we can’t
afford but we make sure everybody knows
about it and we create these illusions
seventy-five percent of people have
admitted to lying on social media every
10 minutes in a conversation people lie
three times on average right but why why
do we do that why do we think that
suddenly all of us isn’t enough that
telling people actually who we are isn’t
enough I do relationships that’s what I
do
that require authenticity and
vulnerability and showing who you are
and stopping the cycle of falsity I get
it that it’s hard to be vulnerable this
doesn’t happen overnight where you start
reading the chapters that you don’t
normally read aloud I’ve shared things
today that I’ve never shared before on a
stage you have to get to a point where
you realize that people won’t love you
less because you share who you are in
fact they love you more and they connect
to you because they get you I believe
that part of our self love academic is
because we are sharing things that
aren’t true and then those things are
getting validated right we’re getting
liked for the things that aren’t true or
are just our highlight reel thereby
perpetuating the thought that I wasn’t
enough before I think our self love
grows when we start to play the role of
ourselves
I was lucky enough to spend the last ten
years of my career on television and I
was able to be on a show called married
at first sight for a couple seasons and
when I left I got thousands of messages
from fans saying wow I’m gonna miss how
real you were I miss how authentic you
were and listen reality television is
what it is but I put my heart and soul
into it and I was happy that people
could see that I was being authentic
that I was being vulnerable that I truly
cared about the people that I was
working with large shallow networks feed
your ego small deep authentic
connections feed your soul so how do we
become more authentic how do we start
telling our stories and this isn’t
because I want you to go on Facebook and
start complaining about everything
that’s not it’s about it’s about being
real and it starts with being vulnerable
taking off your mask showing who you
truly are
I don’t get up here because I’m a
masochist and start telling you all the
things in my closet I get up here
because every time that I share
something about myself that’s deeply
personal and something that I’ve
transformed through I connect with
someone who’s going through or went
through the same thing who knows that
they can go through the fire and survive
and I’m not even pretending that my life
was so hard because I know everyone’s
stories are even more impactful than
mine but we’re not sharing them because
we’re afraid so how can you start to be
more vulnerable how can you start to
share parts of yourself whether you’re
in leadership or you’re in a partnership
you have to show someone who you are how
can someone truly love you if they don’t
know you
how can you truly be loved by someone if
second check your why check your why why
do you place so many filters and don’t
you take away my Instagram filters
that’s not
talk about but why do you filter so much
of the truth why do you lie by omission
why do we not read those chapters aloud
I had a client coming to me for help
with dating and she showed me her
profile and he’s like well who’s this I
didn’t recognize her she had so many
filters she used face tuning apps and
all these different things I mean those
little ears and noses are really cute
but be yourself and I asked her after
reading her profile which didn’t
describe her and seeing this pictures I
said why would you do that and she said
because I’m not enough I’m not enough as
I am check your why work on your why if
you don’t shine a light on it you can’t
heal it and demand more from each other
relationships are our greatest tool in
evolution if you see your friends or
loved ones putting on a front or a mask
because they think that’s what’s needed
call them out on it doing lovingly but
call them out on it let them know that
they are enough just as this and they
can share because the more that we
create spaces to be real to more reality
we actually achieve and lastly be
patient this is not something that
happens overnight
I didn’t start spilling my guts on my
first stage it takes a while and it
takes a little bit of courage but you
all can do it be patient with yourself
and be patient with others so I’ve
shared my story now it’s time to tell
your story and let people love you all of you imagine that thank you
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