my name is Alison and I am here to share
my story with you I am hoping to speak
to the importance of both resiliency and
also authentic mistake making so I feel
I may have cheated the system a little
bit here in that you know I’m
encouraging mistakes so if anything
happens we’re right on track as a little
girl growing up here in Cincinnati Ohio
I was gifted with the greatest family
that a child could ask for the most
gracious and giving parents who nurtured
not just me but my younger brother
Double Trouble and the assorted
menagerie of pets that we brought home
over the years I was given an excellent
education in kindergarten I can still
remember our teacher asking us about
what we wanted in life whether we wanted
a life that was filled with highs and
lows peaks and valleys separating our
life into this existence full of beauty
and despair you know how you talk to
kindergarteners or whether we prefer to
have a middle-of-the-road life where
nothing terrible happened nothing
wonderful happen but we’re always just
okay by show of hands the entire class
voted for the second option while I
selected the first I can still feel my
trembling fingers reaching skyward in
opposition of a mediocre life when I was
young I dreamed of being an artist a
doctor and like most rebellious young
children I dreamed of running away to
join the circus naturally I thought that
as soon as my adult life started I could
do all three at once in the spring of
1998 my crystal clear vision of puppies
paints and pediatric medicine was taken
from me an old movie reel spending in
place with no one to turn off the
projector I was diagnosed with type-1
juvenile diabetes at that time I did not
completely understand what was this
new unknown that suddenly had ownership
of my life what was this new thing that
made my soft mother wipe unbidden tears
from her eyes when she thought that John
and I weren’t looking what was this
cloud that drew sharp lines through my
father’s gentle smile my brother held my
hands even though neither of us knew
what was going on
actually that is especially when he held
my hands though he is three years my
junior it has never felt right to call
him my little brother as he’s been there
for me since the moment he came into the
world since our family comes from sturdy
stock we adapted juice boxes and glucose
tablets came to fuel lonely soccer
practices that I spent on the bench
insulin shot several times a day and
finger sticks on the hour through the
day and night left red stains of courage
on my clothes my bedsheets and the pages
of the books that I turned to for escape
new technology transformed me into a
crippled Iron Man I persisted despite
the uncertainty and the changes chasing
the perfection of my childhood dreams
and blindly wriggling through this gauzy
veil of uncertainty over the high school
and college years we really realized
that my immune system was less of a
system and more of a workers strike
embodied and enslaved in an equally
captive master here
I developed polycystic ovarian syndrome
and Hashimoto’s disease two separate
diseases that attack the body from the
inside out
invisible invincible growing weeds where
they should not be invading vital soil
where trees and gardens of organs should
be growing deforestation and
colonization of a body that I realized
no longer belong to me always cold
always tired and falling in and out of
sleep that could not rest and would not
end the world around me grew fuzzy
muddied was ancient expectations and
remodeled self-doubt around every corner
I had to keep fighting but the weeds
felt thicker now I was strangling myself
on my own reimagined worlds clawing for
air to get to the consolation life I
might yet live if only I was perfect
enough despite my disabilities and then
I found out that I had celiac disease no
problem no problem just no gluten I’m
sorry now wait a minute
you’re telling me that I have to manage
a stressful medical regimen without
bread or pasta oh man did God and I have
a talk that day a friend of mine from
another country was there the day that I
found out about my gluten allergy it’s
no problem she said in our country
gluten is food Hooten is without so it
is Lewton gluten you see Boonton gluten
maybe God does have a morbid sense of
humor at least humor became my shield
and perfection my Lance dreams of
succeeding in a healing profession kept
me engaged in living as normal a life as
possible five pills a day ten pills a
day 20 pills a day it’s okay
the pill box with four sections in my
early 20s and over 250,000
self-administered needle sticks before
the age of 25 new technology New Hope’s
new helplessness don’t miss it time
can’t miss a dose who knows what will
happen
if you miss a dose the thyroid needed to
be removed
of course the deforestation of my body
was now constricting my vocal chords my
personhood trapped in this body so
desperately wanting to live so aching to
be what I knew it could have been the
imperfections stretched my gallbladder
it had to go to I tried thinking of the
Japanese vases when dropped or broken
the cracks were lined with gold the
beautiful tangible metaphor for those
things once broken now mended
authentic mistake making and rallying
all I could see were the blotchy red now
purple and blue to greening into yellow
fading to white scars criss crossing a
body that was slipping from my clumsy
fingers again and again broken imperfect
self-imposed I had to be perfect it all
needed to be perfect the plan books
lined up and color-coded doctor’s orders
lock steps every moment precisely
calculated if any medication any
procedure was out of order then the
whole thing was out of balance and then
the miracle I can see the culprit the
scene a split second imperfect moment it
changed the whole trajectory of my life
my skull this Cathedral of lights and
love and help was slammed seven times in
a door when I was assaulted in the
spring of 2012
now listen so this is the
audience-participation part this is the
part where you’re feeling sorry for me
come on I can kind I can kind of see
those faces and look at me I mean really
really look at me okay close your eyes I
know you’re sitting in a room full of
people who are feeling just as concerned
as you are what happens if I didn’t come
up here and make a fool of myself with
all of you allow yourself one moment a
feeling foolish feeling present feeling
here close your eyes feel that ineffable
Yunus coursing through your beautiful
one-of-a-kind bones feel it in the
architecture in the curve of your back
the way that your tongue sits in your
mouth unobtrusive patient ready
you can open your eyes now do me one
more favor
don’t worry like no volunteers or
anything lift a finger
think of how its serving you actively
quietly since I’ve gotten you this far
wiggle that finger around just a little
bit everyone is gonna be doing it so it
looks relatively normal in front of your
face think of all of the biological and
neurological processes that go into such
a simple motion how amazing is that I
sustained a severe traumatic brain
injury from my assault and spent the
next four years in a recovery center
I couldn’t even pretend to be perfect
anymore I could hardly stand anymore the
way that I had managed my anxiety was
through continual movement
I was always grasping for that thing
just out of reach constantly locking
down my feelings about all of these
invisible disabilities so they wouldn’t
explode out of me
for those who are unfamiliar recovering
from a traumatic brain injury requires
complete mental rest the most chilling
and frightening concept I could imagine
and it was my way to start a recovery
lying alone in a dark room kept company
by pain and memories of how the pain got
there I couldn’t see much of anything my
body felt as though it had been
submerged in mud every direction I
turned was painful and laborious for
legal reasons I could not share my
struggles with family and friends and so
I was alone alone with myself and I
realized how I had completely shunned
the body that I was trapped in I
remember one moment so distinctly before
I opened my eyes when I broke the
I love you I said it out loud and for
the first time in many years I heard my
body’s quiet response I love you too my
favorite flower is the Lotus it has been
ever since my grandmother gave me this
necklace with the lotus flower on it for
my 18th birthday
Lotus must grow not through dirt but
their mud with no idea no expectation of
the path forward the lotus bud has never
seen the light or the magic in our world
it grows on pure faith instead of
burying my tragedy I decided that I
would plant it and watched it blossom
into a life of service to others the
growth of my Lotus began with my
decision to continue to pursue higher
education despite the obvious deficits
and unlikely positive outcomes I
transferred schools so that I could
accommodate my part-time school schedule
and my full-time recovery schedule that
plan book I mentioned earlier yeah just
toss that sucker like weight across
campus yeah no I wasn’t happening
anymore I was Dory from Finding Nemo my
short-term memory was shot because of
the legal boundaries I couldn’t tell my
friends why I withdrew and eventually
transferred only a precious few that
knew that all of my gifts my abilities
were touch-and-go I lost the ability to
read write talk as I used to I lost not
only memories but skills and talents the
greatest loss for me was the loss of my
music I had forgotten everything one day
a friend was sitting with me in his
office and he handed me a guitar I had
been a proficient Irish musician I know
right for over a decade when my brain
was violated now I didn’t remember one
bar of music more than any other thing
in my life I think that
was so humbling for me because it was
the only positive remnant I had with the
relationship to my body my friend had
just purchased the guitar he asked me to
hold it I reminded him that I didn’t
remember anything and that it was
painful to think about he’s that that
was okay both to be sad just to hold it
that was fine so I took it a new hole
being ripped into my heart transmitted
from my unintelligible fingertips he
started speaking to me about simple
things my dog
Rory the weather family things and then
he started to smile when I asked him why
he told me to listen I looked down my
hands were making chords I didn’t know I
knew had no knowledge was still here I
stopped as abruptly as that it started
apparently I could play as long as I
wasn’t thinking too hard or looking for
a perfect note it’s in their alley he
said don’t worry I don’t know that he
knows what that interaction meant to me
but it lit a fire in my belly rather
than give in I made it my mission to get
better and I spent the next four years
in rehabilitation while I pursued a
degree in psychology then as a 20 year
old I had to relearn many things for
starters I had to relearn how to read
starting in a 2nd grade reading level I
had a special safety harness attached to
my waist as I learned how to keep my
balance when I closed my eyes 1 2 3
counting out the steps to an
undetermined finish line this for me was
an exercise not just in balance but in
trust trusting another person again
trusting myself again I went to just
about every therapy you can think of
speech physical vestibular so
ecological just to name a few I used
acupuncture an acupressure to alleviate
the unending migraines I allowed myself
to be carried on these new tides that I
was swimming in as a verbal person the
verbal parts of my brain gradually
learned to assume the roles of other
structures in my brain so my brain began
to rewire but after the injury it didn’t
take a conventional route so now when I
hear certain sounds I see beautiful
vibrant colors
at first this sort of synesthesia was
terrifying to me but then as the music
came back it meant that I was able to
use this to help me know which note or
key I was in relatively not perfectly D
modal my favorite key is a deep blue my
fiance’s voice is in this color when he
speaks to me
the man who sees my scars as rivulets of
gold when my guitar is out of tune the
colors shift ever so slightly it has
helped me to see the world in these new
eye-opening ways and connect in ways I
never thought possible I learned it’s
okay to feel foolish as you say words of
love and hope out loud to yourself or an
audience but when we speak to ourselves
we listen I learned that being positive
doesn’t mean always being happy but it
does mean being authentic with yourself
and having the resilience to always come
back to a positive place when you’re
ready
you cannot heal a body you do not
believe in you cannot heal a body you do
not speak to you cannot heal a body that
is not your own and yet you might be
able to heal a body you choose to talk
to you might be able to heal a body that
makes you furious you might be able to
heal a body that makes you weep and you
can heal a body when you reclaim it as
your own because then and only then you
communicate with a body
that you want to work with for me the
communication may have started with some
foul-mouthed four-letter words but that
was fine my body had some foul-mouthed
four-letter words for me too at that
point there were days I wanted to shout
at my left hand who just hold the stupid
pencil in days I did shout at my left
hand to just hold the stupid pencil
slowly the dialogue became less
contentious and I began practicing yoga
every day when I was able I relearned to
run and to bike I completed my first
half marathon just five short years
after I was unable to go down a single
step without crumpling I meditated every
morning after yoga practicing
forgiveness to those who had hurt me I
sent light and love to my brain
visualized it becoming uninflated I went
on meditation retreats and sought out
new ways to love myself in all
incarnations of me when I could not
exercise and my body tried to give in I
stretched I kept moving even if it was
just my toes even when the medicine I
needed to keep myself alive made me gain
60 pounds in this semester try that in
college I still didn’t give up even when
that scale hit 200 pounds I’ve vowed to
learn to love myself in every
incarnation of my body even after a
separate sexual assault in 2015 that I
survived I refused to yield and chose to
love myself with a new ferocious
forgiveness I realize I’m blessed with a
tremendous opportunity this way how many
people are given the opportunity to love
themselves across such a spectrum of
sizes changes and shapes I thanked my
hands for holding the hands of my
supporters I thanked my feet for moving
me forward on the pavement of the
mezzanine I thanked my legs my eyes my
ears I found so much in this world to be
immensely
authentically grateful for it did many
things eliminated technology almost
entirely for two years played strategy
games even Dungeons & Dragons to
practice holding more than one thought
in mind learned about energy flow and
manipulation took basic self-defense
classes and learned how to fall and how
to get back up again as my reasoning and
retention improved I took logic and math
classes they would have been outside the
old Allison’s real house but new Allison
was determined to master I studied for
over a year and took the GRE I passed
academically I’ve studied and published
research on the intersection of faith
happiness neurology and strength
building I found purpose and vocation in
this process and in doing so I emerged
from the mud not my old self but knew
the seed I had planted was stronger more
disciplined energized resilient and not
one little bit perfect you can ask my
parents and my little brother on that
one as I’ve dealt with new medical
challenges this year I have once again
been faced with the immutable truth that
a disease does not define me nor do
several diseases for that matter another
person does not define me a vocational
title does not define me just as my
childhood self knew I did find my art
through music playing in a traditional
Irish group in high school I became a
healer if not a doctor and yes for those
who are curious I did manage to run away
and join the circus
and was an aerialist for some time too
now I’m ecstatic to say that I am a
Xavier alumna with my master’s degree in
psychology as I graduated this past May
as proud as I am of these things they
also do not define or own me I still
learn differently but it’s so beautiful
I sip savor and cherish every word my
beautiful brain is able to synthesize
and understand my spirit has broken the
watery surface
and now as I look into the sea of
lotuses around me I’m filled with
gratitude the world is full of gifts my
family my friends my fiance myself gifts
when I look into another individuals
eyes I don’t just see you I see myself
as you see me and what’s more I see
divine resilience for me resilience is
not always being perfect
obviously resilience cannot exist
without struggle
it requires trying with all you have and
failing frequently authentic mistake
making it’s looking adversity straight
in the eye and being able to say thank
you when you’ve been knocked down
resilience is finding the courage to get
back up again resilience is me and
resilience is you when you fall look for
the God the truth the universe in that
fall and find gratitude be mad and
frustrated and sad and some day some
moment when you’re ready find gratitude
for those feelings also and then maybe
one day stand back up and be grateful
for that spark inside of you that
resides in all of us because for me
resilience is no longer about chasing
perfection it’s about living my
authentic truth resiliency is having the
courage to stand back up again because
when a fall does not define you but how
you rise will certainly redefine you thank you
my story with you I am hoping to speak
to the importance of both resiliency and
also authentic mistake making so I feel
I may have cheated the system a little
bit here in that you know I’m
encouraging mistakes so if anything
happens we’re right on track as a little
girl growing up here in Cincinnati Ohio
I was gifted with the greatest family
that a child could ask for the most
gracious and giving parents who nurtured
not just me but my younger brother
Double Trouble and the assorted
menagerie of pets that we brought home
over the years I was given an excellent
education in kindergarten I can still
remember our teacher asking us about
what we wanted in life whether we wanted
a life that was filled with highs and
lows peaks and valleys separating our
life into this existence full of beauty
and despair you know how you talk to
kindergarteners or whether we prefer to
have a middle-of-the-road life where
nothing terrible happened nothing
wonderful happen but we’re always just
okay by show of hands the entire class
voted for the second option while I
selected the first I can still feel my
trembling fingers reaching skyward in
opposition of a mediocre life when I was
young I dreamed of being an artist a
doctor and like most rebellious young
children I dreamed of running away to
join the circus naturally I thought that
as soon as my adult life started I could
do all three at once in the spring of
1998 my crystal clear vision of puppies
paints and pediatric medicine was taken
from me an old movie reel spending in
place with no one to turn off the
projector I was diagnosed with type-1
juvenile diabetes at that time I did not
completely understand what was this
new unknown that suddenly had ownership
of my life what was this new thing that
made my soft mother wipe unbidden tears
from her eyes when she thought that John
and I weren’t looking what was this
cloud that drew sharp lines through my
father’s gentle smile my brother held my
hands even though neither of us knew
what was going on
actually that is especially when he held
my hands though he is three years my
junior it has never felt right to call
him my little brother as he’s been there
for me since the moment he came into the
world since our family comes from sturdy
stock we adapted juice boxes and glucose
tablets came to fuel lonely soccer
practices that I spent on the bench
insulin shot several times a day and
finger sticks on the hour through the
day and night left red stains of courage
on my clothes my bedsheets and the pages
of the books that I turned to for escape
new technology transformed me into a
crippled Iron Man I persisted despite
the uncertainty and the changes chasing
the perfection of my childhood dreams
and blindly wriggling through this gauzy
veil of uncertainty over the high school
and college years we really realized
that my immune system was less of a
system and more of a workers strike
embodied and enslaved in an equally
captive master here
I developed polycystic ovarian syndrome
and Hashimoto’s disease two separate
diseases that attack the body from the
inside out
invisible invincible growing weeds where
they should not be invading vital soil
where trees and gardens of organs should
be growing deforestation and
colonization of a body that I realized
no longer belong to me always cold
always tired and falling in and out of
sleep that could not rest and would not
end the world around me grew fuzzy
muddied was ancient expectations and
remodeled self-doubt around every corner
I had to keep fighting but the weeds
felt thicker now I was strangling myself
on my own reimagined worlds clawing for
air to get to the consolation life I
might yet live if only I was perfect
enough despite my disabilities and then
I found out that I had celiac disease no
problem no problem just no gluten I’m
sorry now wait a minute
you’re telling me that I have to manage
a stressful medical regimen without
bread or pasta oh man did God and I have
a talk that day a friend of mine from
another country was there the day that I
found out about my gluten allergy it’s
no problem she said in our country
gluten is food Hooten is without so it
is Lewton gluten you see Boonton gluten
maybe God does have a morbid sense of
humor at least humor became my shield
and perfection my Lance dreams of
succeeding in a healing profession kept
me engaged in living as normal a life as
possible five pills a day ten pills a
day 20 pills a day it’s okay
the pill box with four sections in my
early 20s and over 250,000
self-administered needle sticks before
the age of 25 new technology New Hope’s
new helplessness don’t miss it time
can’t miss a dose who knows what will
happen
if you miss a dose the thyroid needed to
be removed
of course the deforestation of my body
was now constricting my vocal chords my
personhood trapped in this body so
desperately wanting to live so aching to
be what I knew it could have been the
imperfections stretched my gallbladder
it had to go to I tried thinking of the
Japanese vases when dropped or broken
the cracks were lined with gold the
beautiful tangible metaphor for those
things once broken now mended
authentic mistake making and rallying
all I could see were the blotchy red now
purple and blue to greening into yellow
fading to white scars criss crossing a
body that was slipping from my clumsy
fingers again and again broken imperfect
self-imposed I had to be perfect it all
needed to be perfect the plan books
lined up and color-coded doctor’s orders
lock steps every moment precisely
calculated if any medication any
procedure was out of order then the
whole thing was out of balance and then
the miracle I can see the culprit the
scene a split second imperfect moment it
changed the whole trajectory of my life
my skull this Cathedral of lights and
love and help was slammed seven times in
a door when I was assaulted in the
spring of 2012
now listen so this is the
audience-participation part this is the
part where you’re feeling sorry for me
come on I can kind I can kind of see
those faces and look at me I mean really
really look at me okay close your eyes I
know you’re sitting in a room full of
people who are feeling just as concerned
as you are what happens if I didn’t come
up here and make a fool of myself with
all of you allow yourself one moment a
feeling foolish feeling present feeling
here close your eyes feel that ineffable
Yunus coursing through your beautiful
one-of-a-kind bones feel it in the
architecture in the curve of your back
the way that your tongue sits in your
mouth unobtrusive patient ready
you can open your eyes now do me one
more favor
don’t worry like no volunteers or
anything lift a finger
think of how its serving you actively
quietly since I’ve gotten you this far
wiggle that finger around just a little
bit everyone is gonna be doing it so it
looks relatively normal in front of your
face think of all of the biological and
neurological processes that go into such
a simple motion how amazing is that I
sustained a severe traumatic brain
injury from my assault and spent the
next four years in a recovery center
I couldn’t even pretend to be perfect
anymore I could hardly stand anymore the
way that I had managed my anxiety was
through continual movement
I was always grasping for that thing
just out of reach constantly locking
down my feelings about all of these
invisible disabilities so they wouldn’t
explode out of me
for those who are unfamiliar recovering
from a traumatic brain injury requires
complete mental rest the most chilling
and frightening concept I could imagine
and it was my way to start a recovery
lying alone in a dark room kept company
by pain and memories of how the pain got
there I couldn’t see much of anything my
body felt as though it had been
submerged in mud every direction I
turned was painful and laborious for
legal reasons I could not share my
struggles with family and friends and so
I was alone alone with myself and I
realized how I had completely shunned
the body that I was trapped in I
remember one moment so distinctly before
I opened my eyes when I broke the
I love you I said it out loud and for
the first time in many years I heard my
body’s quiet response I love you too my
favorite flower is the Lotus it has been
ever since my grandmother gave me this
necklace with the lotus flower on it for
my 18th birthday
Lotus must grow not through dirt but
their mud with no idea no expectation of
the path forward the lotus bud has never
seen the light or the magic in our world
it grows on pure faith instead of
burying my tragedy I decided that I
would plant it and watched it blossom
into a life of service to others the
growth of my Lotus began with my
decision to continue to pursue higher
education despite the obvious deficits
and unlikely positive outcomes I
transferred schools so that I could
accommodate my part-time school schedule
and my full-time recovery schedule that
plan book I mentioned earlier yeah just
toss that sucker like weight across
campus yeah no I wasn’t happening
anymore I was Dory from Finding Nemo my
short-term memory was shot because of
the legal boundaries I couldn’t tell my
friends why I withdrew and eventually
transferred only a precious few that
knew that all of my gifts my abilities
were touch-and-go I lost the ability to
read write talk as I used to I lost not
only memories but skills and talents the
greatest loss for me was the loss of my
music I had forgotten everything one day
a friend was sitting with me in his
office and he handed me a guitar I had
been a proficient Irish musician I know
right for over a decade when my brain
was violated now I didn’t remember one
bar of music more than any other thing
in my life I think that
was so humbling for me because it was
the only positive remnant I had with the
relationship to my body my friend had
just purchased the guitar he asked me to
hold it I reminded him that I didn’t
remember anything and that it was
painful to think about he’s that that
was okay both to be sad just to hold it
that was fine so I took it a new hole
being ripped into my heart transmitted
from my unintelligible fingertips he
started speaking to me about simple
things my dog
Rory the weather family things and then
he started to smile when I asked him why
he told me to listen I looked down my
hands were making chords I didn’t know I
knew had no knowledge was still here I
stopped as abruptly as that it started
apparently I could play as long as I
wasn’t thinking too hard or looking for
a perfect note it’s in their alley he
said don’t worry I don’t know that he
knows what that interaction meant to me
but it lit a fire in my belly rather
than give in I made it my mission to get
better and I spent the next four years
in rehabilitation while I pursued a
degree in psychology then as a 20 year
old I had to relearn many things for
starters I had to relearn how to read
starting in a 2nd grade reading level I
had a special safety harness attached to
my waist as I learned how to keep my
balance when I closed my eyes 1 2 3
counting out the steps to an
undetermined finish line this for me was
an exercise not just in balance but in
trust trusting another person again
trusting myself again I went to just
about every therapy you can think of
speech physical vestibular so
ecological just to name a few I used
acupuncture an acupressure to alleviate
the unending migraines I allowed myself
to be carried on these new tides that I
was swimming in as a verbal person the
verbal parts of my brain gradually
learned to assume the roles of other
structures in my brain so my brain began
to rewire but after the injury it didn’t
take a conventional route so now when I
hear certain sounds I see beautiful
vibrant colors
at first this sort of synesthesia was
terrifying to me but then as the music
came back it meant that I was able to
use this to help me know which note or
key I was in relatively not perfectly D
modal my favorite key is a deep blue my
fiance’s voice is in this color when he
speaks to me
the man who sees my scars as rivulets of
gold when my guitar is out of tune the
colors shift ever so slightly it has
helped me to see the world in these new
eye-opening ways and connect in ways I
never thought possible I learned it’s
okay to feel foolish as you say words of
love and hope out loud to yourself or an
audience but when we speak to ourselves
we listen I learned that being positive
doesn’t mean always being happy but it
does mean being authentic with yourself
and having the resilience to always come
back to a positive place when you’re
ready
you cannot heal a body you do not
believe in you cannot heal a body you do
not speak to you cannot heal a body that
is not your own and yet you might be
able to heal a body you choose to talk
to you might be able to heal a body that
makes you furious you might be able to
heal a body that makes you weep and you
can heal a body when you reclaim it as
your own because then and only then you
communicate with a body
that you want to work with for me the
communication may have started with some
foul-mouthed four-letter words but that
was fine my body had some foul-mouthed
four-letter words for me too at that
point there were days I wanted to shout
at my left hand who just hold the stupid
pencil in days I did shout at my left
hand to just hold the stupid pencil
slowly the dialogue became less
contentious and I began practicing yoga
every day when I was able I relearned to
run and to bike I completed my first
half marathon just five short years
after I was unable to go down a single
step without crumpling I meditated every
morning after yoga practicing
forgiveness to those who had hurt me I
sent light and love to my brain
visualized it becoming uninflated I went
on meditation retreats and sought out
new ways to love myself in all
incarnations of me when I could not
exercise and my body tried to give in I
stretched I kept moving even if it was
just my toes even when the medicine I
needed to keep myself alive made me gain
60 pounds in this semester try that in
college I still didn’t give up even when
that scale hit 200 pounds I’ve vowed to
learn to love myself in every
incarnation of my body even after a
separate sexual assault in 2015 that I
survived I refused to yield and chose to
love myself with a new ferocious
forgiveness I realize I’m blessed with a
tremendous opportunity this way how many
people are given the opportunity to love
themselves across such a spectrum of
sizes changes and shapes I thanked my
hands for holding the hands of my
supporters I thanked my feet for moving
me forward on the pavement of the
mezzanine I thanked my legs my eyes my
ears I found so much in this world to be
immensely
authentically grateful for it did many
things eliminated technology almost
entirely for two years played strategy
games even Dungeons & Dragons to
practice holding more than one thought
in mind learned about energy flow and
manipulation took basic self-defense
classes and learned how to fall and how
to get back up again as my reasoning and
retention improved I took logic and math
classes they would have been outside the
old Allison’s real house but new Allison
was determined to master I studied for
over a year and took the GRE I passed
academically I’ve studied and published
research on the intersection of faith
happiness neurology and strength
building I found purpose and vocation in
this process and in doing so I emerged
from the mud not my old self but knew
the seed I had planted was stronger more
disciplined energized resilient and not
one little bit perfect you can ask my
parents and my little brother on that
one as I’ve dealt with new medical
challenges this year I have once again
been faced with the immutable truth that
a disease does not define me nor do
several diseases for that matter another
person does not define me a vocational
title does not define me just as my
childhood self knew I did find my art
through music playing in a traditional
Irish group in high school I became a
healer if not a doctor and yes for those
who are curious I did manage to run away
and join the circus
and was an aerialist for some time too
now I’m ecstatic to say that I am a
Xavier alumna with my master’s degree in
psychology as I graduated this past May
as proud as I am of these things they
also do not define or own me I still
learn differently but it’s so beautiful
I sip savor and cherish every word my
beautiful brain is able to synthesize
and understand my spirit has broken the
watery surface
and now as I look into the sea of
lotuses around me I’m filled with
gratitude the world is full of gifts my
family my friends my fiance myself gifts
when I look into another individuals
eyes I don’t just see you I see myself
as you see me and what’s more I see
divine resilience for me resilience is
not always being perfect
obviously resilience cannot exist
without struggle
it requires trying with all you have and
failing frequently authentic mistake
making it’s looking adversity straight
in the eye and being able to say thank
you when you’ve been knocked down
resilience is finding the courage to get
back up again resilience is me and
resilience is you when you fall look for
the God the truth the universe in that
fall and find gratitude be mad and
frustrated and sad and some day some
moment when you’re ready find gratitude
for those feelings also and then maybe
one day stand back up and be grateful
for that spark inside of you that
resides in all of us because for me
resilience is no longer about chasing
perfection it’s about living my
authentic truth resiliency is having the
courage to stand back up again because
when a fall does not define you but how
you rise will certainly redefine you thank you
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