on December 16th 2016 i sat next to my
best friend as he laid in a hospital bed
Keith wasn’t responsive at that point
except for two eyebrows that would move
up and down as conversation was being
made about him the disease he was
battling a desmo plastic small rel
Ronald tumor as Keith would put it the
longer the name of the cancer the worse
it was the most noteworthy thing about
the disease is that it had a survival
rate of 15% after five years
Keith had been fighting for seven and a
half my father an oncologist would say
the Keith had a particularly challenging
disease within only a few hours of
arriving my hand was on his leg as he’s
struggling to take breaths of air I held
on to him as he died Keith’s life an
ultimate passing has led me on a journey
of trying to discern what is the purpose
of pain how it interacts with us and
what causes people to treat others with
empathy sympathy or even apathy Keith’s
death was a cruel punctuation to an
otherwise difficult life I’d known him
for over a decade and during that time I
saw him subjected some of the most cruel
and ruthless bullying and harassment
after he’s diagnosed Mass messages from
the students at the high school we
attended started getting circulated such
as keith has cancer I just found out
sent out an almost a pre Facebook error
as an attempt to garner likes and
attention and not a sincere show of
support the middle school we attended
even put together a support group
comprised of some of the most vicious
bullies from the time it seemed as if
everyone overnight have changed their
tune about how they were going to
interact with Keith prior to Keith’s
diagnosis he was treated in a remarkably
apathetic manner and I don’t mean apathy
in the sense of people
didn’t believe he existed I mean the
sense that they believed he could not
share with them a common pain and when
you believe that someone can’t
experience pain it leads one to treat
them with cruelty and indifference as
Keith’s closest friend and confidant we
spoke frequently if not daily about how
he is treated compared to pre and post
diagnosis I was quick to react callously
to what I perceived as the
verisimilitude of caring I was bitter I
was angry and I held that view for the
entirety of his battle and even past his
death it seemed that this group of
people went from treating him with
apathy to sympathy sympathy is
absolutely worthless it’s recognizing
that pain exists but it’s doing nothing
about it it’s cowardice and to have felt
sorry for Keith situation was indeed
sympathetic but to actually take the
pain he was experiencing and embrace it
and work to alleviate some of the
suffering that’s empathy empathy is one
of those frequently misused words
generally speaking when most people say
empathy they’re trying to say sympathy
empathy is about the embrace of pain it
is about making it just as much as yours
as it is theirs and when you do that you
have this feeling and compulsion to want
to solve and resolve the pain as best
you can
disease does this particularly well
especially cancer cancer is an
omnipotent disease it does not care
about your stature it does not care
about your circumstances cancer does not
care it can affect all of us and most of
us have probably had interaction with
the disease either directly or by seeing
a loved one battle with it and so the
pain that it creates that becomes a high
way for us to be able to connect with
you connect with each other our empathy
moves quicker than it normally does
disease does this remarkably well
but as with any axiom there’s always
exceptions to the rule
take someone with lung cancer at first
you may be thinking treating them in a
very empathetic manner but then if you
find out that they are or were a smoker
that empathy might shift into
conditional sympathy and it may even
slide further this is where sympathy
mutates into apathy apathy is an
us-versus-them type mentality it
requires us to shut down our pain
receptors to not believe that anyone
could experience something like we do
and perhaps it’s because they look
different or they sound different or
they hail from another region maybe it’s
because they have a different complexion
or set of beliefs but whatever it is
when we shut down and stop feeling other
people’s capacity for pain we’ve not
only dehumanized them but we’ve become
grossly indifferent how is it that we
have these common pains such as disease
and loss well we can differentiate
between who is worthy of our emotions
and our care and our support and who is
not it’s because we decide to be
apathetic with a select feel the point
being is that it is remarkably easy to
hurt someone if you believe they can’t
feel pain so it’s with that we have
created a spectrum on this end we have
apathy the denial of pain of someone
else in the middle we have sympathy in
which we acknowledge the pain but that’s
it then we have empathy when we
acknowledge the pain we embrace it as
our own and it compels us to work to
solve the pain I call this the
empathetic lens and what I’d like to do
is using that context to bring up a
couple ideas and ask you to reflect and
think about your most visceral reaction
in the context of the empathetic lens do
you perceive the situation through
empathy sympathy or
loss of a child if you’re anything like
me you probably had wide range of
reactions items like disease and loss
would evoke the strongest of empathetic
reactions others may have just conjured
sympathy and some even apathy sheer
his cancer was unstoppable
but what empathy allowed us to do was to
rally around him and work to solve some
of the other sufferings that accompany
the disease after a surgery when he lost
mobility of his hands people empathized
and worked with him to provide him with
dignity and ease and navigating the
day-to-day activities when he’s in the
hospital people visited him to try to
relieve the pain of boredom and
loneliness and his final hours people
held on to him to try to relieve the
believe it is incredibly worthwhile that
when we are confronted with the pain of
others we do her best to examine how we
are perceiving their pain are we taking
that apathetic approach that sympathetic
approach or that empathetic approach
disease is obvious in terms of being
open to their pain and embracing it
other situations the day to day ones
it’s a bit more nebulous and bit more
my friend Keith experienced the spectrum
of apathy sympathy and empathy
even in his abbreviated lifetime but I
can definitively say he would have had a
much higher quality of life a much more
caring and compassionate life if people
would have treated him with empathy for
all pains and not just cancer if people
can shift their perspectives and go from
treating someone with apathy to empathy
in the face of the most obvious pains we
can certainly do it for the less obvious
ones if we can examine the pain in which
people are going through on a regular
basis in a meaningful way if we can
embrace their pain and look to solve it
by making it our own having a collective
ownership over it we can make a much
better lifetime for all of us and even
those with an abbreviated life thank you [Applause]
best friend as he laid in a hospital bed
Keith wasn’t responsive at that point
except for two eyebrows that would move
up and down as conversation was being
made about him the disease he was
battling a desmo plastic small rel
Ronald tumor as Keith would put it the
longer the name of the cancer the worse
it was the most noteworthy thing about
the disease is that it had a survival
rate of 15% after five years
Keith had been fighting for seven and a
half my father an oncologist would say
the Keith had a particularly challenging
disease within only a few hours of
arriving my hand was on his leg as he’s
struggling to take breaths of air I held
on to him as he died Keith’s life an
ultimate passing has led me on a journey
of trying to discern what is the purpose
of pain how it interacts with us and
what causes people to treat others with
empathy sympathy or even apathy Keith’s
death was a cruel punctuation to an
otherwise difficult life I’d known him
for over a decade and during that time I
saw him subjected some of the most cruel
and ruthless bullying and harassment
after he’s diagnosed Mass messages from
the students at the high school we
attended started getting circulated such
as keith has cancer I just found out
sent out an almost a pre Facebook error
as an attempt to garner likes and
attention and not a sincere show of
support the middle school we attended
even put together a support group
comprised of some of the most vicious
bullies from the time it seemed as if
everyone overnight have changed their
tune about how they were going to
interact with Keith prior to Keith’s
diagnosis he was treated in a remarkably
apathetic manner and I don’t mean apathy
in the sense of people
didn’t believe he existed I mean the
sense that they believed he could not
share with them a common pain and when
you believe that someone can’t
experience pain it leads one to treat
them with cruelty and indifference as
Keith’s closest friend and confidant we
spoke frequently if not daily about how
he is treated compared to pre and post
diagnosis I was quick to react callously
to what I perceived as the
verisimilitude of caring I was bitter I
was angry and I held that view for the
entirety of his battle and even past his
death it seemed that this group of
people went from treating him with
apathy to sympathy sympathy is
absolutely worthless it’s recognizing
that pain exists but it’s doing nothing
about it it’s cowardice and to have felt
sorry for Keith situation was indeed
sympathetic but to actually take the
pain he was experiencing and embrace it
and work to alleviate some of the
suffering that’s empathy empathy is one
of those frequently misused words
generally speaking when most people say
empathy they’re trying to say sympathy
empathy is about the embrace of pain it
is about making it just as much as yours
as it is theirs and when you do that you
have this feeling and compulsion to want
to solve and resolve the pain as best
you can
disease does this particularly well
especially cancer cancer is an
omnipotent disease it does not care
about your stature it does not care
about your circumstances cancer does not
care it can affect all of us and most of
us have probably had interaction with
the disease either directly or by seeing
a loved one battle with it and so the
pain that it creates that becomes a high
way for us to be able to connect with
you connect with each other our empathy
moves quicker than it normally does
disease does this remarkably well
but as with any axiom there’s always
exceptions to the rule
take someone with lung cancer at first
you may be thinking treating them in a
very empathetic manner but then if you
find out that they are or were a smoker
that empathy might shift into
conditional sympathy and it may even
slide further this is where sympathy
mutates into apathy apathy is an
us-versus-them type mentality it
requires us to shut down our pain
receptors to not believe that anyone
could experience something like we do
and perhaps it’s because they look
different or they sound different or
they hail from another region maybe it’s
because they have a different complexion
or set of beliefs but whatever it is
when we shut down and stop feeling other
people’s capacity for pain we’ve not
only dehumanized them but we’ve become
grossly indifferent how is it that we
have these common pains such as disease
and loss well we can differentiate
between who is worthy of our emotions
and our care and our support and who is
not it’s because we decide to be
apathetic with a select feel the point
being is that it is remarkably easy to
hurt someone if you believe they can’t
feel pain so it’s with that we have
created a spectrum on this end we have
apathy the denial of pain of someone
else in the middle we have sympathy in
which we acknowledge the pain but that’s
it then we have empathy when we
acknowledge the pain we embrace it as
our own and it compels us to work to
solve the pain I call this the
empathetic lens and what I’d like to do
is using that context to bring up a
couple ideas and ask you to reflect and
think about your most visceral reaction
in the context of the empathetic lens do
you perceive the situation through
empathy sympathy or
loss of a child if you’re anything like
me you probably had wide range of
reactions items like disease and loss
would evoke the strongest of empathetic
reactions others may have just conjured
sympathy and some even apathy sheer
his cancer was unstoppable
but what empathy allowed us to do was to
rally around him and work to solve some
of the other sufferings that accompany
the disease after a surgery when he lost
mobility of his hands people empathized
and worked with him to provide him with
dignity and ease and navigating the
day-to-day activities when he’s in the
hospital people visited him to try to
relieve the pain of boredom and
loneliness and his final hours people
held on to him to try to relieve the
believe it is incredibly worthwhile that
when we are confronted with the pain of
others we do her best to examine how we
are perceiving their pain are we taking
that apathetic approach that sympathetic
approach or that empathetic approach
disease is obvious in terms of being
open to their pain and embracing it
other situations the day to day ones
it’s a bit more nebulous and bit more
my friend Keith experienced the spectrum
of apathy sympathy and empathy
even in his abbreviated lifetime but I
can definitively say he would have had a
much higher quality of life a much more
caring and compassionate life if people
would have treated him with empathy for
all pains and not just cancer if people
can shift their perspectives and go from
treating someone with apathy to empathy
in the face of the most obvious pains we
can certainly do it for the less obvious
ones if we can examine the pain in which
people are going through on a regular
basis in a meaningful way if we can
embrace their pain and look to solve it
by making it our own having a collective
ownership over it we can make a much
better lifetime for all of us and even
those with an abbreviated life thank you [Applause]
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