of my favorite movies American Beauty
invites us to look closer it invites us
to not equate appearances with reality
because far too often things are more
complex than they seem
it wasn’t until I met my wolf that how
are you became one of the most difficult
questions somebody could ask me this
next sentence is my wolf I cannot run it
I can’t rock it up and I surely can’t
let it eat me alive
in college I was raped under the
influence by someone I knew and as many
times as I choose to use that label the
label will never stop feeling like acid
one night I invited a co-worker over to
my apartment where my roommates were at
a party he thought it was an alcohol and
we started drinking we talked for about
three hours until my roommates returned
home after my roommates went to bed I
remember feeling like something wasn’t
quite right my mental state didn’t
equate with the amount of alcohol I
consumed we went upstairs and he
immediately started taking off my
clothes in between non-consensual sexual
encounters I was throwing up repeatedly
and I passed out on my bathroom floor I
told him to stop and I was ignored and
at one point he said to me when you
invited me over here I figured you had
some needs that weren’t being met the
following morning I drove him back to
his apartment I tried to convince myself
that everything that had just happened
was normal I mean since I knew him and
thought he respected me it couldn’t have
been assault right wrong you know some
things did come back to me in the days
after the assault but I really don’t
have a clear timeline of what happened
that night and I’ve accepted the fact I
never will what after it happened I left
for vacation I thought if I could gain
some physical distance from the place
what happened I could begin to put it
all behind me but all I could think
about in those three weeks while I was
gone was getting back to my apartment
and erasing all memories of the trauma
all my attempts at outrunning my wolf
ended in vain no matter how fast I ran
my wolf always caught up to me so I went
back to school and decided to change my
approach I gave up trying to outrun this
wolf and I tried to lock it up getting
back to classes and research did help
keep my mind distracted for a little bit
but I soon came to realize that blocking
my wolf up was only making it angrier
pushing everything down wasn’t exactly
solving the problem I started seeing the
first of a few therapists shortly after
that I began showing symptoms of
insomnia PTSD anxiety and depression
hoping to explore what happened to me I
went to the campus library and I checked
out a stack of books on sexual assault
you know it’s hard to forget the look on
the librarian space I’ve noticed the
trend of my checkout materials I read
book after book website after website
advice column after advice column
searching for answers and ultimately
uncovering more questions I initially
shared my story with some close friends
and a couple counsellors hoping somebody
would tell me it wasn’t us all people
reacted in all sorts of ways but every
single person I talk to you told me it
wasn’t my fault
and it took me six months to finally
believe them you know I blame myself for
a long time I blamed myself for creating
the circumstances that led to the
assault I blamed myself for inviting him
over and trusting him I even blamed
myself for not being forceful enough
with my no these thoughts were harmful
damaging but most importantly they were
completely invalid sexual assault and
I tried to break my apartment lease and
lost a legal battle with my complex the
following summer I was forced to live
alone in the unit world was assaulted
because I couldn’t afford to pay to
rents I started practicing yoga
exercising almost every day and painting
to keep myself sane every day I would
have to drive past my sounds apartment
to get home and I slept in the same room
where it happened for months my insomnia
was its worst back then because I kept
dreaming of confronting my assailant I
started attending group the local rape
crisis center and eventually I started
seeing a new counselor on an individual
basis with her amazing support I decided
to report my rape to the university
through Title 9 so for those who don’t
know title 9 is a piece of federal
legislation that prohibits sexual
discrimination on campuses that receive
federal funding and one of its functions
is to provide an alternate route for
reporting sexual misconduct to
university and not to law enforcement
claims under title 9 are held to a
preponderance standard meaning they must
be believed for the 51 percent certainty
this is drastically different from
criminal cases what claims must be
proved beyond a reasonable doubt and
this hybrid of proof required in
Criminal Court helps explain why the
vast majority of rapes never result in a
criminal conviction so going into this I
knew I had no evidence because I
destroyed all of it in hopes it would
help me move on the university chose to
open an official investigation of my
case and statements were collected over
a period of a few weeks after they
review this investigation by the
university two charges were placed on my
assailant and I chose to participate
fully in the following hearing to
prepare I spent hours with my case file
and I put my process and my research on
halt
after three hours of questioning and
testimony and four hours of delivery
the panel found my assailant not
responsible for both charges during my
hearing they asked me questions like
what did you have for dinner that night
can you please describe the size of the
glass you were drinking out of can you
give us an estimate of how many times
you got sick during the encounter in the
official statement by the panel they
said that both stories were equally
likely to have occurred the panel
wouldn’t even look at me when the
decision was read out loud somehow I
managed to hold back my tears untie left
the room and that night when I went back
to my apartment
I drank pharma alcohol that I’m willing
to admit but after composing myself I
decided to file for an appeal and a
short time later my appeal was denied by
the vice president’s office you know
sometimes you fight the war and the war
wins I knew the risks associated with
this appeal but I truly felt that my
assailant had shared some things in the
hearing that were overlooked and even
after the appeal decision came out I
felt this great sense of peace that I
hadn’t felt before for the first time I
felt ready to move forward
and it was then I knew I had taken the
necessary steps for my healing yet
through it all I still found it hardest
to talk to my family about what happened
it wasn’t that I didn’t think I had
their support but I just knew that this
story would hurt them in a different way
sexual assault is never easy to talk
about and it tends to make people
uncomfortable it seemed like I could
never find a good time to bring this up
because I was so worried about sparing
their feelings but I came to realize
that avoiding these necessary
conversations is only helpful in the
short term the way it completely
shattered my perception of the world and
it caused me to take a long and hard
look into the darkness I had to remind
myself that title 9 can and does support
many survivors and it was created with
good and
pensions however in my case the panel
didn’t side with me and I was left
wondering how it was supposed to process
the entirety of my experience but one
night I had a dream where I came across
two wolves in the woods when I
approached them one wolf ran away and
the other tried to attack me I thought
this was the perfect metaphor for what I
was experiencing this assault was an
entity I couldn’t just suppress or
ignore much like a wild animal it had a
mind of its own it’s a rival in my life
was unexpected and it did a lot of
damage this wolf would walk with me for
the rest of my life but I could learn to
tame it I began to think if I gave this
experience a face if I personified it I
could better process and accept it this
wolf didn’t have to be completely good
or completely bad now I view this wolf
as a symbol of my strength and it is a
reminder of how far I’ve come in my
journey it is a part of me but I don’t
let it define me it is one chapter of my
life story it only holds as much
significance as I allow it to the
remainder of my story has yet to be
written to tame my wolf I began
practicing self-care in the form of
taking on funding hobbies and spending
time with a positive and supportive
people in my life I started practicing
mindfulness techniques to restore my
mind and body connection I regularly
went to see my therapists even on my bad
days but the most important step I took
in taming my wolf was speaking out for
myself and reporting my assault as we
keep a conversation about sexual assault
going we need to make sure we’re doing
everything in our power to provide a
safe environment for survivors we as a
society needs to become more comfortable
having these conversations because these
conversations can be tools for real
positive change look no
is obligated to share their story but
everybody’s obligated to listen if a
story is shared the reasons of reporting
and timing of reporting are highly
individual I chose to report because I
kept dreaming of addressing my assailant
I wanted him to be aware of how his
actions impacted me and to hopefully not
do this to anyone else but more than
anything I wanted to speak out against
the violence I survived I came forward
to take ownership of my truth and I feel
like I accomplished that I did
everything in my power to fight for
myself and that alone has given me
closure there’s a parable of two wolves
I find to be irrelevant when sharing my
story and today I’ll share it with all
of you grandfather’s teaching his
grandson about life the grandfather says
there’s a war going on inside me it is a
war between two wolves one wolf is evil
it represents things like greed hatred
and fear and the other is good it
represents things like kindness bravery
and love the same rule is going on
inside of you and inside of every other
person – the grandson thought about this
for a moment and then asked grandfather
which wolf wins the grandfather quietly
replied the one you feed today I
encourage you to find your wolf
acknowledge it and begin taming it it
doesn’t have to be a traumatic
experience it could be something as
simple as a source of negativity or
stress in your life but I truly believe
that personifying our traumas helps us
process and deal with them in a healthy
way it forces you to confront these
things you normally would avoid in order
to take back the power that they have
over you I remind you to always feed the
good wolf of the world because the world
could always use more good the choice to
feed the good wolf is one that must be
made every day my good wolf and I are
making our way in this world
and I can’t wait to see where we’ll
journey next thank you [Applause]
invites us to look closer it invites us
to not equate appearances with reality
because far too often things are more
complex than they seem
it wasn’t until I met my wolf that how
are you became one of the most difficult
questions somebody could ask me this
next sentence is my wolf I cannot run it
I can’t rock it up and I surely can’t
let it eat me alive
in college I was raped under the
influence by someone I knew and as many
times as I choose to use that label the
label will never stop feeling like acid
one night I invited a co-worker over to
my apartment where my roommates were at
a party he thought it was an alcohol and
we started drinking we talked for about
three hours until my roommates returned
home after my roommates went to bed I
remember feeling like something wasn’t
quite right my mental state didn’t
equate with the amount of alcohol I
consumed we went upstairs and he
immediately started taking off my
clothes in between non-consensual sexual
encounters I was throwing up repeatedly
and I passed out on my bathroom floor I
told him to stop and I was ignored and
at one point he said to me when you
invited me over here I figured you had
some needs that weren’t being met the
following morning I drove him back to
his apartment I tried to convince myself
that everything that had just happened
was normal I mean since I knew him and
thought he respected me it couldn’t have
been assault right wrong you know some
things did come back to me in the days
after the assault but I really don’t
have a clear timeline of what happened
that night and I’ve accepted the fact I
never will what after it happened I left
for vacation I thought if I could gain
some physical distance from the place
what happened I could begin to put it
all behind me but all I could think
about in those three weeks while I was
gone was getting back to my apartment
and erasing all memories of the trauma
all my attempts at outrunning my wolf
ended in vain no matter how fast I ran
my wolf always caught up to me so I went
back to school and decided to change my
approach I gave up trying to outrun this
wolf and I tried to lock it up getting
back to classes and research did help
keep my mind distracted for a little bit
but I soon came to realize that blocking
my wolf up was only making it angrier
pushing everything down wasn’t exactly
solving the problem I started seeing the
first of a few therapists shortly after
that I began showing symptoms of
insomnia PTSD anxiety and depression
hoping to explore what happened to me I
went to the campus library and I checked
out a stack of books on sexual assault
you know it’s hard to forget the look on
the librarian space I’ve noticed the
trend of my checkout materials I read
book after book website after website
advice column after advice column
searching for answers and ultimately
uncovering more questions I initially
shared my story with some close friends
and a couple counsellors hoping somebody
would tell me it wasn’t us all people
reacted in all sorts of ways but every
single person I talk to you told me it
wasn’t my fault
and it took me six months to finally
believe them you know I blame myself for
a long time I blamed myself for creating
the circumstances that led to the
assault I blamed myself for inviting him
over and trusting him I even blamed
myself for not being forceful enough
with my no these thoughts were harmful
damaging but most importantly they were
completely invalid sexual assault and
I tried to break my apartment lease and
lost a legal battle with my complex the
following summer I was forced to live
alone in the unit world was assaulted
because I couldn’t afford to pay to
rents I started practicing yoga
exercising almost every day and painting
to keep myself sane every day I would
have to drive past my sounds apartment
to get home and I slept in the same room
where it happened for months my insomnia
was its worst back then because I kept
dreaming of confronting my assailant I
started attending group the local rape
crisis center and eventually I started
seeing a new counselor on an individual
basis with her amazing support I decided
to report my rape to the university
through Title 9 so for those who don’t
know title 9 is a piece of federal
legislation that prohibits sexual
discrimination on campuses that receive
federal funding and one of its functions
is to provide an alternate route for
reporting sexual misconduct to
university and not to law enforcement
claims under title 9 are held to a
preponderance standard meaning they must
be believed for the 51 percent certainty
this is drastically different from
criminal cases what claims must be
proved beyond a reasonable doubt and
this hybrid of proof required in
Criminal Court helps explain why the
vast majority of rapes never result in a
criminal conviction so going into this I
knew I had no evidence because I
destroyed all of it in hopes it would
help me move on the university chose to
open an official investigation of my
case and statements were collected over
a period of a few weeks after they
review this investigation by the
university two charges were placed on my
assailant and I chose to participate
fully in the following hearing to
prepare I spent hours with my case file
and I put my process and my research on
halt
after three hours of questioning and
testimony and four hours of delivery
the panel found my assailant not
responsible for both charges during my
hearing they asked me questions like
what did you have for dinner that night
can you please describe the size of the
glass you were drinking out of can you
give us an estimate of how many times
you got sick during the encounter in the
official statement by the panel they
said that both stories were equally
likely to have occurred the panel
wouldn’t even look at me when the
decision was read out loud somehow I
managed to hold back my tears untie left
the room and that night when I went back
to my apartment
I drank pharma alcohol that I’m willing
to admit but after composing myself I
decided to file for an appeal and a
short time later my appeal was denied by
the vice president’s office you know
sometimes you fight the war and the war
wins I knew the risks associated with
this appeal but I truly felt that my
assailant had shared some things in the
hearing that were overlooked and even
after the appeal decision came out I
felt this great sense of peace that I
hadn’t felt before for the first time I
felt ready to move forward
and it was then I knew I had taken the
necessary steps for my healing yet
through it all I still found it hardest
to talk to my family about what happened
it wasn’t that I didn’t think I had
their support but I just knew that this
story would hurt them in a different way
sexual assault is never easy to talk
about and it tends to make people
uncomfortable it seemed like I could
never find a good time to bring this up
because I was so worried about sparing
their feelings but I came to realize
that avoiding these necessary
conversations is only helpful in the
short term the way it completely
shattered my perception of the world and
it caused me to take a long and hard
look into the darkness I had to remind
myself that title 9 can and does support
many survivors and it was created with
good and
pensions however in my case the panel
didn’t side with me and I was left
wondering how it was supposed to process
the entirety of my experience but one
night I had a dream where I came across
two wolves in the woods when I
approached them one wolf ran away and
the other tried to attack me I thought
this was the perfect metaphor for what I
was experiencing this assault was an
entity I couldn’t just suppress or
ignore much like a wild animal it had a
mind of its own it’s a rival in my life
was unexpected and it did a lot of
damage this wolf would walk with me for
the rest of my life but I could learn to
tame it I began to think if I gave this
experience a face if I personified it I
could better process and accept it this
wolf didn’t have to be completely good
or completely bad now I view this wolf
as a symbol of my strength and it is a
reminder of how far I’ve come in my
journey it is a part of me but I don’t
let it define me it is one chapter of my
life story it only holds as much
significance as I allow it to the
remainder of my story has yet to be
written to tame my wolf I began
practicing self-care in the form of
taking on funding hobbies and spending
time with a positive and supportive
people in my life I started practicing
mindfulness techniques to restore my
mind and body connection I regularly
went to see my therapists even on my bad
days but the most important step I took
in taming my wolf was speaking out for
myself and reporting my assault as we
keep a conversation about sexual assault
going we need to make sure we’re doing
everything in our power to provide a
safe environment for survivors we as a
society needs to become more comfortable
having these conversations because these
conversations can be tools for real
positive change look no
is obligated to share their story but
everybody’s obligated to listen if a
story is shared the reasons of reporting
and timing of reporting are highly
individual I chose to report because I
kept dreaming of addressing my assailant
I wanted him to be aware of how his
actions impacted me and to hopefully not
do this to anyone else but more than
anything I wanted to speak out against
the violence I survived I came forward
to take ownership of my truth and I feel
like I accomplished that I did
everything in my power to fight for
myself and that alone has given me
closure there’s a parable of two wolves
I find to be irrelevant when sharing my
story and today I’ll share it with all
of you grandfather’s teaching his
grandson about life the grandfather says
there’s a war going on inside me it is a
war between two wolves one wolf is evil
it represents things like greed hatred
and fear and the other is good it
represents things like kindness bravery
and love the same rule is going on
inside of you and inside of every other
person – the grandson thought about this
for a moment and then asked grandfather
which wolf wins the grandfather quietly
replied the one you feed today I
encourage you to find your wolf
acknowledge it and begin taming it it
doesn’t have to be a traumatic
experience it could be something as
simple as a source of negativity or
stress in your life but I truly believe
that personifying our traumas helps us
process and deal with them in a healthy
way it forces you to confront these
things you normally would avoid in order
to take back the power that they have
over you I remind you to always feed the
good wolf of the world because the world
could always use more good the choice to
feed the good wolf is one that must be
made every day my good wolf and I are
making our way in this world
and I can’t wait to see where we’ll
journey next thank you [Applause]
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