I identify as spiritually and culturally Muslim when President Trump suggested a
Muslim when President Trump suggested a Muslim registry I decided to identify
Muslim registry I decided to identify unapologetically as Muslim American now
unapologetically as Muslim American now this means many disparate things because
this means many disparate things because the way I choose to identify doesn’t sit
the way I choose to identify doesn’t sit well with many purists I don’t veil I
well with many purists I don’t veil I don’t view the hijab as a symbol of
don’t view the hijab as a symbol of feminist empowerment now I’m not gonna
feminist empowerment now I’m not gonna judge women who choose to veil
judge women who choose to veil voluntarily the key word of course being
voluntarily the key word of course being what voluntary because in many societies
what voluntary because in many societies women and girls are forced to veil and
women and girls are forced to veil and are imprisoned or worse if they refuse I
are imprisoned or worse if they refuse I don’t always fast it’ll go to the mosque
don’t always fast it’ll go to the mosque I’ve never been on Hajj I have no plans
I’ve never been on Hajj I have no plans on going on Hajj and circling the Kaaba
on going on Hajj and circling the Kaaba Sharif our sacred stone seven times now
Sharif our sacred stone seven times now since I’m not a traditional Muslim many
since I’m not a traditional Muslim many Muslims are not going to view me as such
Muslims are not going to view me as such but this ironically goes for the west as
but this ironically goes for the west as well because I don’t fit into any of
well because I don’t fit into any of those neat little categories assigned to
those neat little categories assigned to Muslims the way I see it the most vocal
Muslims the way I see it the most vocal and visible symbols of Islam that are
and visible symbols of Islam that are deemed relevant by the Western media
deemed relevant by the Western media machinery harken from three main camps
machinery harken from three main camps one the Salafist fundamentalist elements
one the Salafist fundamentalist elements we know about those guys and gals right
we know about those guys and gals right they’re bombing things they’re
they’re bombing things they’re terrorizing they’re stoning adulterous
terrorizing they’re stoning adulterous women in town square then you’ve got the
women in town square then you’ve got the hipster hijabis who are trying to
hipster hijabis who are trying to valorize and normalize some very
valorize and normalize some very conservative traditions then number
conservative traditions then number three you got the lapsed Muslim
three you got the lapsed Muslim apologists who vilify the religion and
apologists who vilify the religion and pander directly into Western
pander directly into Western Islamophobia now don’t fit into any of
Islamophobia now don’t fit into any of these categories so I’ve had to forge my
these categories so I’ve had to forge my own spiritual identity what I realized
own spiritual identity what I realized those there’s a lot of us out there
those there’s a lot of us out there right who inhabit a spiritual space of
right who inhabit a spiritual space of our own interpretation and for me in the
our own interpretation and for me in the end it’s all about interpretation now
end it’s all about interpretation now like most spiritual adventures
like most spiritual adventures mine began under duress I barely
mine began under duress I barely graduated from high school due to
graduated from high school due to various academic and disciplinary
various academic and disciplinary infractions which we won’t get into I
infractions which we won’t get into I was I failed to be admitted into a
was I failed to be admitted into a single college and so my parents were
single college and so my parents were living and working in Beijing at the
living and working in Beijing at the time made me come over there so they
time made me come over there so they could keep an eye on me now to say I was
could keep an eye on me now to say I was wayward or floundering her lost would be
wayward or floundering her lost would be an understatement and it was at this
an understatement and it was at this
an understatement and it was at this time my father a self-described agnostic
time my father a self-described agnostic entreated me to pray with him every day
entreated me to pray with him every day now my family originally comes from
now my family originally comes from Bangladesh which is a tiny mostly Muslim
Bangladesh which is a tiny mostly Muslim but officially secular country in South
but officially secular country in South Asia now my parents were not
Asia now my parents were not conservative Muslims we celebrated
conservative Muslims we celebrated Christmas they did I love Christmas they
Christmas they did I love Christmas they they did not teach me formerly how to
they did not teach me formerly how to pray they did not you know denounced
pray they did not you know denounced alcohol or BLTs a sacrilegious I
alcohol or BLTs a sacrilegious I remember the first time I had pork I was
remember the first time I had pork I was in second grade and I went to a
in second grade and I went to a classmate’s house and her mother served
classmate’s house and her mother served the most exotic dish Frank and beans and
the most exotic dish Frank and beans and I loved it so I went straight home and I
I loved it so I went straight home and I told my mother I ate pork and I loved it
told my mother I ate pork and I loved it and she said that’s terrific
and she said that’s terrific she never served it but she did not
she never served it but she did not admonish me or punish me or lecture me
admonish me or punish me or lecture me so naturally many years later when I was
so naturally many years later when I was
so naturally many years later when I was with my father and he said we’re doing
with my father and he said we’re doing this we’re facing Mecca every day and
this we’re facing Mecca every day and we’re praying I was more than a little
we’re praying I was more than a little resistant and I was resentful and I was
resistant and I was resentful and I was intimidated because like many Americans
intimidated because like many Americans I got most of my information about
I got most of my information about Muslims from either Hollywood or the
Muslims from either Hollywood or the media so what I saw was this or a
media so what I saw was this or a derivation thereof or this these were
derivation thereof or this these were the messages embedded in my psyche we
the messages embedded in my psyche we were either savagely violent or
were either savagely violent or distressingly oppressed there was no in
distressingly oppressed there was no in between and you know what I was
between and you know what I was coincidentally a Muslim I could have
coincidentally a Muslim I could have just as easily been the daughter of
just as easily been the daughter of Norwegian herring fishermen
Norwegian herring fishermen you can picture me in that sweater but
you can picture me in that sweater but kismet or fate had landed being a
kismet or fate had landed being a secular but culturally Muslim family now
secular but culturally Muslim family now I didn’t feel like I could go against my
I didn’t feel like I could go against my father’s wishes and looking back on it
father’s wishes and looking back on it as a parent I understand his desperation
as a parent I understand his desperation he wanted to take me in hand before I
he wanted to take me in hand before I completely screwed up my life and I
completely screwed up my life and I think he thought that the discipline of
think he thought that the discipline of ritual ablution the bathing in the
ritual ablution the bathing in the washing before prayer and genuflecting
washing before prayer and genuflecting at the same time every day would have a
at the same time every day would have a calming effect on me and he was a busy
calming effect on me and he was a busy man he had an important job he
man he had an important job he
man he had an important job he translated all the Quranic passages in
translated all the Quranic passages in English for me so I could understand
English for me so I could understand what it was I was reciting and he wrote
what it was I was reciting and he wrote out the Arabic phonetically but in the
out the Arabic phonetically but in the end it didn’t work I did not surrender
end it didn’t work I did not surrender to this version of Islam I did grow
to this version of Islam I did grow closer to my father an added benefit and
closer to my father an added benefit and I did develop an appreciation for the
I did develop an appreciation for the meditative aspect of Prayer now it
meditative aspect of Prayer now it wouldn’t be until many years later in
wouldn’t be until many years later in 2000 2001 when I would be forced to
2000 2001 when I would be forced to confront my Muslim identity in 2000 I
confront my Muslim identity in 2000 I would move to the United Arab Emirates
would move to the United Arab Emirates Abu Dhabi specifically with my young son
Abu Dhabi specifically with my young son and my husband and it would be there in
and my husband and it would be there in 2001 when I would witness two planes
2001 when I would witness two planes flying into the World Trade Center live
flying into the World Trade Center live now I wasn’t too thrilled in the UAE for
now I wasn’t too thrilled in the UAE for various reasons I was leading the
various reasons I was leading the luxurious life of an expat but guess
luxurious life of an expat but guess what I had to register as a Muslim I
what I had to register as a Muslim I can’t get away from that registry even
can’t get away from that registry even though I was an American citizen because
though I was an American citizen because this country was run by Sharia law so if
this country was run by Sharia law so if I was caught with alcohol as a Muslim or
I was caught with alcohol as a Muslim or in a bar I could be jailed and naturally
in a bar I could be jailed and naturally I just did whatever I wanted thankfully
I just did whatever I wanted thankfully I didn’t get caught but it still bothers
I didn’t get caught but it still bothers me to this day
me to this day I was also unhappy and restless rather
I was also unhappy and restless rather because I wasn’t answering my calling
because I wasn’t answering my calling which was to be a writer I had my
which was to be a writer I had my master’s in creative writing from New
master’s in creative writing from New York University but I was doing no
York University but I was doing no writing the atmosphere I was in was
writing the atmosphere I was in was consuming me as well as motherhood and
consuming me as well as motherhood and marriage
marriage the 911 happened in the UAE a Muslim
the 911 happened in the UAE a Muslim country I was legally a Muslim but not
country I was legally a Muslim but not spiritually such because I smoked I
spiritually such because I smoked I drank I worked out in shorts I get to
drank I worked out in shorts I get to America and I’m nothing but a Muslim and
America and I’m nothing but a Muslim and not only that I’m possibly an enemy
not only that I’m possibly an enemy combatant who has to prove her loyalty
combatant who has to prove her loyalty to her country so 9/11 left me feeling
to her country so 9/11 left me feeling unmoored with no one to claim me so I
unmoored with no one to claim me so I write this incredibly emotional and
write this incredibly emotional and impassioned op-ed or letter and it
impassioned op-ed or letter and it eventually gets published and of all
eventually gets published and of all places the Indian Express and
places the Indian Express and essentially what it was was an apology
essentially what it was was an apology filled with shame and rage leveled at
filled with shame and rage leveled at Islam and Muslims in general like many
Islam and Muslims in general like many Muslims I felt personally responsible
Muslims I felt personally responsible for what had happened now 20 plus years
for what had happened now 20 plus years later so many things have not changed
later so many things have not changed except me and when I say so many things
except me and when I say so many things have not changed what I’m observing is
have not changed what I’m observing is that religious fundamentalism across the
that religious fundamentalism across the board is on the rise everywhere more
board is on the rise everywhere more women than ever are taking hijab even in
women than ever are taking hijab even in secular countries like Bangladesh and
secular countries like Bangladesh and even more distressing hate crimes
even more distressing hate crimes against Muslims and Muslim Americans
against Muslims and Muslim Americans have risen by 78% in 2015 alone in this
have risen by 78% in 2015 alone in this country so where does that leave me a
country so where does that leave me a secular searching Muslim who doesn’t
secular searching Muslim who doesn’t want to issue Islam anymore but wants to
want to issue Islam anymore but wants to forge her own Islamic identity on her
forge her own Islamic identity on her terms that suits her needs
so finally after 9/11 I was compelled to write and I wrote a short story that
write and I wrote a short story that eventually evolved into a stage play
eventually evolved into a stage play calls raisins not virgins a romantic
calls raisins not virgins a romantic comedy about jihad yeah I’m proud of
comedy about jihad yeah I’m proud of that title and it marked the beginning
that title and it marked the beginning of my exploration into my Muslim hood so
of my exploration into my Muslim hood so to speak and how I wanted to present
to speak and how I wanted to present myself in the world
myself in the world the title raisins not virgins refers to
the title raisins not virgins refers to the ik that if one martyrs themselves in
the ik that if one martyrs themselves in the name of Allah they’re going to go to
the name of Allah they’re going to go to heaven and they’re gonna get 72 comely
heaven and they’re gonna get 72 comely virgins
virgins now scholars are positing that the word
now scholars are positing that the word for virgins who in the ancient Syriac
for virgins who in the ancient Syriac hur which is a precursor by the way to
hur which is a precursor by the way to arabic Syriac is were swapped for hurry
arabic Syriac is were swapped for hurry virgins
virgins now raisins were considered a delicacy
now raisins were considered a delicacy at the time they were compared to gems
at the time they were compared to gems and pearls
and pearls however some wiseacre realized really
however some wiseacre realized really quickly that offering raisins to a bunch
quickly that offering raisins to a bunch of hard-working martyrs who sacrificed
of hard-working martyrs who sacrificed everything for Allah wasn’t going to be
everything for Allah wasn’t going to be sufficient inducement so he and I say he
sufficient inducement so he and I say he cuz this Khan has patriarchy written all
cuz this Khan has patriarchy written all over it decided to interpret it as
over it decided to interpret it as virgins knowing that sex would garner
virgins knowing that sex would garner more recruits when I stumbled on this
more recruits when I stumbled on this article in 2002 it was written by a
article in 2002 it was written by a scholar at Islamic scholar named
scholar at Islamic scholar named
scholar at Islamic scholar named Christopher Luxembourg which I’m pretty
Christopher Luxembourg which I’m pretty sure is a pseudonym and I was floored
sure is a pseudonym and I was floored because what that indicated to me was
because what that indicated to me was Islam was flexible it was organic it was
Islam was flexible it was organic it was subject to interpretation it wasn’t this
subject to interpretation it wasn’t this hard Stern thing that laid down edicts
hard Stern thing that laid down edicts that were intractable it ignited my
that were intractable it ignited my imagination and I started to write now
imagination and I started to write now the writing led to research and this
the writing led to research and this research led to one of my biggest
research led to one of my biggest personal revelations the concept of each
personal revelations the concept of each dahut now bear with me because I
dahut now bear with me because I memorize this definition but I know I’m
memorize this definition but I know I’m gonna mess it up it’s the HUD is the
gonna mess it up it’s the HUD is the technical legal term in Islamic law that
technical legal term in Islamic law that describes the process by which somebody
describes the process by which somebody comes to an independent interpretation
comes to an independent interpretation of a legal a legal source such as the
of a legal a legal source such as the Quran the Quran is the book of God it’s
Quran the Quran is the book of God it’s the Word of God it’s not subject to
the Word of God it’s not subject to human whims and interpretations but
human whims and interpretations but there it was
there it was each day HUD
this ignited me and so I kept researching and then I discovered yet
researching and then I discovered yet more revelations and one of them is that
more revelations and one of them is that the root word of each Sahad jihad means
the root word of each Sahad jihad means struggle and it shares the same root as
struggle and it shares the same root as the word jihad which means spiritual
the word jihad which means spiritual struggle now the word jihad has come to
struggle now the word jihad has come to take on as we all know terrible
take on as we all know terrible connotations but what it means is
connotations but what it means is internal struggle emotional spiritual
internal struggle emotional spiritual intellectual maybe political but not
intellectual maybe political but not this outward violent thing war which so
this outward violent thing war which so many extremists have chosen to interpret
many extremists have chosen to interpret it as that is not what it means at its
it as that is not what it means at its core and ultimately the explanation that
core and ultimately the explanation that I found the most appealing and resonant
I found the most appealing and resonant was that both each Sahad and jihad are
was that both each Sahad and jihad are essentially or connote essentially the
essentially or connote essentially the internal struggle of the heart and mind
internal struggle of the heart and mind to make sense of the greater world
to make sense of the greater world the search for gnosis spiritual mystery
the search for gnosis spiritual mystery which so many Sufi mystics such as Rumi
which so many Sufi mystics such as Rumi he’s real popular with the hipsters and
he’s real popular with the hipsters and Rabia a woman devoted their lives to
Rabia a woman devoted their lives to exploring communion with their beloved
exploring communion with their beloved Allah and it’s not like they didn’t
Allah and it’s not like they didn’t question her Allah that is it sat in the
question her Allah that is it sat in the search for true wisdom they questioned
search for true wisdom they questioned themselves more
themselves more now this defied all my notions of what
now this defied all my notions of what devout Muslims look like when I learned
devout Muslims look like when I learned this I felt I could breathe and as a
this I felt I could breathe and as a result I was able to breathe air into my
result I was able to breathe air into my protagonists from raising Sahar salams
protagonists from raising Sahar salams fictional lungs
fictional lungs now Sahar she was messy she was chaotic
now Sahar she was messy she was chaotic foul-mouthed hard drinking borderline
foul-mouthed hard drinking borderline promiscuous she was insecure childish
promiscuous she was insecure childish you know but her struggle was real and
you know but her struggle was real and it was honest
it was honest and it was an emblem of my jihad my
and it was an emblem of my jihad my personal struggle now I realize again
personal struggle now I realize again this is so personal to me but upon all
this is so personal to me but upon all this revelation what I discovered
this revelation what I discovered ultimately is that Islam is a personal
ultimately is that Islam is a personal religion I am NOT required to sit there
religion I am NOT required to sit there and listen to someone dictate to me what
and listen to someone dictate to me what my devotion or spirituality looks like I
my devotion or spirituality looks like I don’t need a cleric or and a mom telling
don’t need a cleric or and a mom telling me what to do that some people interpret
me what to do that some people interpret it as necessary but it is not necessary
it as necessary but it is not necessary I can pray anytime I want anywhere I
I can pray anytime I want anywhere I want I can go to a all-inclusive resort
want I can go to a all-inclusive resort in Costa Rica praying a bikini and hit
in Costa Rica praying a bikini and hit the open bar later that’s my business
the open bar later that’s my business and I take sole responsibility for my
and I take sole responsibility for my choices in the words of a character from
choices in the words of a character from reasons not virgins
reasons not virgins míriam a hijab’ you don’t have to
míriam a hijab’ you don’t have to genuflect to find God now is personal as
genuflect to find God now is personal as
genuflect to find God now is personal as this journey has been I realize it’s
this journey has been I realize it’s really not unique to me I think there
really not unique to me I think there are so many of us out there right now so
are so many of us out there right now so many of you sitting here right now who
many of you sitting here right now who struggle internally in your hearts and
struggle internally in your hearts and minds every day to make sense of the
minds every day to make sense of the greater world a world that is seemingly
greater world a world that is seemingly on fire right now what I would say is do
on fire right now what I would say is do not be afraid to apply your version of
not be afraid to apply your version of its dahut to your life be it emotional
its dahut to your life be it emotional professional spiritual for me for the
professional spiritual for me for the time being I will take what I need from
time being I will take what I need from this glorious religion and I will ignore
this glorious religion and I will ignore the rest as in the words of Rumi the
the rest as in the words of Rumi the knowing lies in knowing what to ignore
knowing lies in knowing what to ignore thank you
thank you [Applause]
Muslim when President Trump suggested a Muslim registry I decided to identify
Muslim registry I decided to identify unapologetically as Muslim American now
unapologetically as Muslim American now this means many disparate things because
this means many disparate things because the way I choose to identify doesn’t sit
the way I choose to identify doesn’t sit well with many purists I don’t veil I
well with many purists I don’t veil I don’t view the hijab as a symbol of
don’t view the hijab as a symbol of feminist empowerment now I’m not gonna
feminist empowerment now I’m not gonna judge women who choose to veil
judge women who choose to veil voluntarily the key word of course being
voluntarily the key word of course being what voluntary because in many societies
what voluntary because in many societies women and girls are forced to veil and
women and girls are forced to veil and are imprisoned or worse if they refuse I
are imprisoned or worse if they refuse I don’t always fast it’ll go to the mosque
don’t always fast it’ll go to the mosque I’ve never been on Hajj I have no plans
I’ve never been on Hajj I have no plans on going on Hajj and circling the Kaaba
on going on Hajj and circling the Kaaba Sharif our sacred stone seven times now
Sharif our sacred stone seven times now since I’m not a traditional Muslim many
since I’m not a traditional Muslim many Muslims are not going to view me as such
Muslims are not going to view me as such but this ironically goes for the west as
but this ironically goes for the west as well because I don’t fit into any of
well because I don’t fit into any of those neat little categories assigned to
those neat little categories assigned to Muslims the way I see it the most vocal
Muslims the way I see it the most vocal and visible symbols of Islam that are
and visible symbols of Islam that are deemed relevant by the Western media
deemed relevant by the Western media machinery harken from three main camps
machinery harken from three main camps one the Salafist fundamentalist elements
one the Salafist fundamentalist elements we know about those guys and gals right
we know about those guys and gals right they’re bombing things they’re
they’re bombing things they’re terrorizing they’re stoning adulterous
terrorizing they’re stoning adulterous women in town square then you’ve got the
women in town square then you’ve got the hipster hijabis who are trying to
hipster hijabis who are trying to valorize and normalize some very
valorize and normalize some very conservative traditions then number
conservative traditions then number three you got the lapsed Muslim
three you got the lapsed Muslim apologists who vilify the religion and
apologists who vilify the religion and pander directly into Western
pander directly into Western Islamophobia now don’t fit into any of
Islamophobia now don’t fit into any of these categories so I’ve had to forge my
these categories so I’ve had to forge my own spiritual identity what I realized
own spiritual identity what I realized those there’s a lot of us out there
those there’s a lot of us out there right who inhabit a spiritual space of
right who inhabit a spiritual space of our own interpretation and for me in the
our own interpretation and for me in the end it’s all about interpretation now
end it’s all about interpretation now like most spiritual adventures
like most spiritual adventures mine began under duress I barely
mine began under duress I barely graduated from high school due to
graduated from high school due to various academic and disciplinary
various academic and disciplinary infractions which we won’t get into I
infractions which we won’t get into I was I failed to be admitted into a
was I failed to be admitted into a single college and so my parents were
single college and so my parents were living and working in Beijing at the
living and working in Beijing at the time made me come over there so they
time made me come over there so they could keep an eye on me now to say I was
could keep an eye on me now to say I was wayward or floundering her lost would be
wayward or floundering her lost would be an understatement and it was at this
an understatement and it was at this
an understatement and it was at this time my father a self-described agnostic
time my father a self-described agnostic entreated me to pray with him every day
entreated me to pray with him every day now my family originally comes from
now my family originally comes from Bangladesh which is a tiny mostly Muslim
Bangladesh which is a tiny mostly Muslim but officially secular country in South
but officially secular country in South Asia now my parents were not
Asia now my parents were not conservative Muslims we celebrated
conservative Muslims we celebrated Christmas they did I love Christmas they
Christmas they did I love Christmas they they did not teach me formerly how to
they did not teach me formerly how to pray they did not you know denounced
pray they did not you know denounced alcohol or BLTs a sacrilegious I
alcohol or BLTs a sacrilegious I remember the first time I had pork I was
remember the first time I had pork I was in second grade and I went to a
in second grade and I went to a classmate’s house and her mother served
classmate’s house and her mother served the most exotic dish Frank and beans and
the most exotic dish Frank and beans and I loved it so I went straight home and I
I loved it so I went straight home and I told my mother I ate pork and I loved it
told my mother I ate pork and I loved it and she said that’s terrific
and she said that’s terrific she never served it but she did not
she never served it but she did not admonish me or punish me or lecture me
admonish me or punish me or lecture me so naturally many years later when I was
so naturally many years later when I was
so naturally many years later when I was with my father and he said we’re doing
with my father and he said we’re doing this we’re facing Mecca every day and
this we’re facing Mecca every day and we’re praying I was more than a little
we’re praying I was more than a little resistant and I was resentful and I was
resistant and I was resentful and I was intimidated because like many Americans
intimidated because like many Americans I got most of my information about
I got most of my information about Muslims from either Hollywood or the
Muslims from either Hollywood or the media so what I saw was this or a
media so what I saw was this or a derivation thereof or this these were
derivation thereof or this these were the messages embedded in my psyche we
the messages embedded in my psyche we were either savagely violent or
were either savagely violent or distressingly oppressed there was no in
distressingly oppressed there was no in between and you know what I was
between and you know what I was coincidentally a Muslim I could have
coincidentally a Muslim I could have just as easily been the daughter of
just as easily been the daughter of Norwegian herring fishermen
Norwegian herring fishermen you can picture me in that sweater but
you can picture me in that sweater but kismet or fate had landed being a
kismet or fate had landed being a secular but culturally Muslim family now
secular but culturally Muslim family now I didn’t feel like I could go against my
I didn’t feel like I could go against my father’s wishes and looking back on it
father’s wishes and looking back on it as a parent I understand his desperation
as a parent I understand his desperation he wanted to take me in hand before I
he wanted to take me in hand before I completely screwed up my life and I
completely screwed up my life and I think he thought that the discipline of
think he thought that the discipline of ritual ablution the bathing in the
ritual ablution the bathing in the washing before prayer and genuflecting
washing before prayer and genuflecting at the same time every day would have a
at the same time every day would have a calming effect on me and he was a busy
calming effect on me and he was a busy man he had an important job he
man he had an important job he
man he had an important job he translated all the Quranic passages in
translated all the Quranic passages in English for me so I could understand
English for me so I could understand what it was I was reciting and he wrote
what it was I was reciting and he wrote out the Arabic phonetically but in the
out the Arabic phonetically but in the end it didn’t work I did not surrender
end it didn’t work I did not surrender to this version of Islam I did grow
to this version of Islam I did grow closer to my father an added benefit and
closer to my father an added benefit and I did develop an appreciation for the
I did develop an appreciation for the meditative aspect of Prayer now it
meditative aspect of Prayer now it wouldn’t be until many years later in
wouldn’t be until many years later in 2000 2001 when I would be forced to
2000 2001 when I would be forced to confront my Muslim identity in 2000 I
confront my Muslim identity in 2000 I would move to the United Arab Emirates
would move to the United Arab Emirates Abu Dhabi specifically with my young son
Abu Dhabi specifically with my young son and my husband and it would be there in
and my husband and it would be there in 2001 when I would witness two planes
2001 when I would witness two planes flying into the World Trade Center live
flying into the World Trade Center live now I wasn’t too thrilled in the UAE for
now I wasn’t too thrilled in the UAE for various reasons I was leading the
various reasons I was leading the luxurious life of an expat but guess
luxurious life of an expat but guess what I had to register as a Muslim I
what I had to register as a Muslim I can’t get away from that registry even
can’t get away from that registry even though I was an American citizen because
though I was an American citizen because this country was run by Sharia law so if
this country was run by Sharia law so if I was caught with alcohol as a Muslim or
I was caught with alcohol as a Muslim or in a bar I could be jailed and naturally
in a bar I could be jailed and naturally I just did whatever I wanted thankfully
I just did whatever I wanted thankfully I didn’t get caught but it still bothers
I didn’t get caught but it still bothers me to this day
me to this day I was also unhappy and restless rather
I was also unhappy and restless rather because I wasn’t answering my calling
because I wasn’t answering my calling which was to be a writer I had my
which was to be a writer I had my master’s in creative writing from New
master’s in creative writing from New York University but I was doing no
York University but I was doing no writing the atmosphere I was in was
writing the atmosphere I was in was consuming me as well as motherhood and
consuming me as well as motherhood and marriage
marriage the 911 happened in the UAE a Muslim
the 911 happened in the UAE a Muslim country I was legally a Muslim but not
country I was legally a Muslim but not spiritually such because I smoked I
spiritually such because I smoked I drank I worked out in shorts I get to
drank I worked out in shorts I get to America and I’m nothing but a Muslim and
America and I’m nothing but a Muslim and not only that I’m possibly an enemy
not only that I’m possibly an enemy combatant who has to prove her loyalty
combatant who has to prove her loyalty to her country so 9/11 left me feeling
to her country so 9/11 left me feeling unmoored with no one to claim me so I
unmoored with no one to claim me so I write this incredibly emotional and
write this incredibly emotional and impassioned op-ed or letter and it
impassioned op-ed or letter and it eventually gets published and of all
eventually gets published and of all places the Indian Express and
places the Indian Express and essentially what it was was an apology
essentially what it was was an apology filled with shame and rage leveled at
filled with shame and rage leveled at Islam and Muslims in general like many
Islam and Muslims in general like many Muslims I felt personally responsible
Muslims I felt personally responsible for what had happened now 20 plus years
for what had happened now 20 plus years later so many things have not changed
later so many things have not changed except me and when I say so many things
except me and when I say so many things have not changed what I’m observing is
have not changed what I’m observing is that religious fundamentalism across the
that religious fundamentalism across the board is on the rise everywhere more
board is on the rise everywhere more women than ever are taking hijab even in
women than ever are taking hijab even in secular countries like Bangladesh and
secular countries like Bangladesh and even more distressing hate crimes
even more distressing hate crimes against Muslims and Muslim Americans
against Muslims and Muslim Americans have risen by 78% in 2015 alone in this
have risen by 78% in 2015 alone in this country so where does that leave me a
country so where does that leave me a secular searching Muslim who doesn’t
secular searching Muslim who doesn’t want to issue Islam anymore but wants to
want to issue Islam anymore but wants to forge her own Islamic identity on her
forge her own Islamic identity on her terms that suits her needs
so finally after 9/11 I was compelled to write and I wrote a short story that
write and I wrote a short story that eventually evolved into a stage play
eventually evolved into a stage play calls raisins not virgins a romantic
calls raisins not virgins a romantic comedy about jihad yeah I’m proud of
comedy about jihad yeah I’m proud of that title and it marked the beginning
that title and it marked the beginning of my exploration into my Muslim hood so
of my exploration into my Muslim hood so to speak and how I wanted to present
to speak and how I wanted to present myself in the world
myself in the world the title raisins not virgins refers to
the title raisins not virgins refers to the ik that if one martyrs themselves in
the ik that if one martyrs themselves in the name of Allah they’re going to go to
the name of Allah they’re going to go to heaven and they’re gonna get 72 comely
heaven and they’re gonna get 72 comely virgins
virgins now scholars are positing that the word
now scholars are positing that the word for virgins who in the ancient Syriac
for virgins who in the ancient Syriac hur which is a precursor by the way to
hur which is a precursor by the way to arabic Syriac is were swapped for hurry
arabic Syriac is were swapped for hurry virgins
virgins now raisins were considered a delicacy
now raisins were considered a delicacy at the time they were compared to gems
at the time they were compared to gems and pearls
and pearls however some wiseacre realized really
however some wiseacre realized really quickly that offering raisins to a bunch
quickly that offering raisins to a bunch of hard-working martyrs who sacrificed
of hard-working martyrs who sacrificed everything for Allah wasn’t going to be
everything for Allah wasn’t going to be sufficient inducement so he and I say he
sufficient inducement so he and I say he cuz this Khan has patriarchy written all
cuz this Khan has patriarchy written all over it decided to interpret it as
over it decided to interpret it as virgins knowing that sex would garner
virgins knowing that sex would garner more recruits when I stumbled on this
more recruits when I stumbled on this article in 2002 it was written by a
article in 2002 it was written by a scholar at Islamic scholar named
scholar at Islamic scholar named
scholar at Islamic scholar named Christopher Luxembourg which I’m pretty
Christopher Luxembourg which I’m pretty sure is a pseudonym and I was floored
sure is a pseudonym and I was floored because what that indicated to me was
because what that indicated to me was Islam was flexible it was organic it was
Islam was flexible it was organic it was subject to interpretation it wasn’t this
subject to interpretation it wasn’t this hard Stern thing that laid down edicts
hard Stern thing that laid down edicts that were intractable it ignited my
that were intractable it ignited my imagination and I started to write now
imagination and I started to write now the writing led to research and this
the writing led to research and this research led to one of my biggest
research led to one of my biggest personal revelations the concept of each
personal revelations the concept of each dahut now bear with me because I
dahut now bear with me because I memorize this definition but I know I’m
memorize this definition but I know I’m gonna mess it up it’s the HUD is the
gonna mess it up it’s the HUD is the technical legal term in Islamic law that
technical legal term in Islamic law that describes the process by which somebody
describes the process by which somebody comes to an independent interpretation
comes to an independent interpretation of a legal a legal source such as the
of a legal a legal source such as the Quran the Quran is the book of God it’s
Quran the Quran is the book of God it’s the Word of God it’s not subject to
the Word of God it’s not subject to human whims and interpretations but
human whims and interpretations but there it was
there it was each day HUD
this ignited me and so I kept researching and then I discovered yet
researching and then I discovered yet more revelations and one of them is that
more revelations and one of them is that the root word of each Sahad jihad means
the root word of each Sahad jihad means struggle and it shares the same root as
struggle and it shares the same root as the word jihad which means spiritual
the word jihad which means spiritual struggle now the word jihad has come to
struggle now the word jihad has come to take on as we all know terrible
take on as we all know terrible connotations but what it means is
connotations but what it means is internal struggle emotional spiritual
internal struggle emotional spiritual intellectual maybe political but not
intellectual maybe political but not this outward violent thing war which so
this outward violent thing war which so many extremists have chosen to interpret
many extremists have chosen to interpret it as that is not what it means at its
it as that is not what it means at its core and ultimately the explanation that
core and ultimately the explanation that I found the most appealing and resonant
I found the most appealing and resonant was that both each Sahad and jihad are
was that both each Sahad and jihad are essentially or connote essentially the
essentially or connote essentially the internal struggle of the heart and mind
internal struggle of the heart and mind to make sense of the greater world
to make sense of the greater world the search for gnosis spiritual mystery
the search for gnosis spiritual mystery which so many Sufi mystics such as Rumi
which so many Sufi mystics such as Rumi he’s real popular with the hipsters and
he’s real popular with the hipsters and Rabia a woman devoted their lives to
Rabia a woman devoted their lives to exploring communion with their beloved
exploring communion with their beloved Allah and it’s not like they didn’t
Allah and it’s not like they didn’t question her Allah that is it sat in the
question her Allah that is it sat in the search for true wisdom they questioned
search for true wisdom they questioned themselves more
themselves more now this defied all my notions of what
now this defied all my notions of what devout Muslims look like when I learned
devout Muslims look like when I learned this I felt I could breathe and as a
this I felt I could breathe and as a result I was able to breathe air into my
result I was able to breathe air into my protagonists from raising Sahar salams
protagonists from raising Sahar salams fictional lungs
fictional lungs now Sahar she was messy she was chaotic
now Sahar she was messy she was chaotic foul-mouthed hard drinking borderline
foul-mouthed hard drinking borderline promiscuous she was insecure childish
promiscuous she was insecure childish you know but her struggle was real and
you know but her struggle was real and it was honest
it was honest and it was an emblem of my jihad my
and it was an emblem of my jihad my personal struggle now I realize again
personal struggle now I realize again this is so personal to me but upon all
this is so personal to me but upon all this revelation what I discovered
this revelation what I discovered ultimately is that Islam is a personal
ultimately is that Islam is a personal religion I am NOT required to sit there
religion I am NOT required to sit there and listen to someone dictate to me what
and listen to someone dictate to me what my devotion or spirituality looks like I
my devotion or spirituality looks like I don’t need a cleric or and a mom telling
don’t need a cleric or and a mom telling me what to do that some people interpret
me what to do that some people interpret it as necessary but it is not necessary
it as necessary but it is not necessary I can pray anytime I want anywhere I
I can pray anytime I want anywhere I want I can go to a all-inclusive resort
want I can go to a all-inclusive resort in Costa Rica praying a bikini and hit
in Costa Rica praying a bikini and hit the open bar later that’s my business
the open bar later that’s my business and I take sole responsibility for my
and I take sole responsibility for my choices in the words of a character from
choices in the words of a character from reasons not virgins
reasons not virgins míriam a hijab’ you don’t have to
míriam a hijab’ you don’t have to genuflect to find God now is personal as
genuflect to find God now is personal as
genuflect to find God now is personal as this journey has been I realize it’s
this journey has been I realize it’s really not unique to me I think there
really not unique to me I think there are so many of us out there right now so
are so many of us out there right now so many of you sitting here right now who
many of you sitting here right now who struggle internally in your hearts and
struggle internally in your hearts and minds every day to make sense of the
minds every day to make sense of the greater world a world that is seemingly
greater world a world that is seemingly on fire right now what I would say is do
on fire right now what I would say is do not be afraid to apply your version of
not be afraid to apply your version of its dahut to your life be it emotional
its dahut to your life be it emotional professional spiritual for me for the
professional spiritual for me for the time being I will take what I need from
time being I will take what I need from this glorious religion and I will ignore
this glorious religion and I will ignore the rest as in the words of Rumi the
the rest as in the words of Rumi the knowing lies in knowing what to ignore
knowing lies in knowing what to ignore thank you
thank you [Applause]
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