invite you to look at relationships like
a cup of coffee it’s 2016 and with so
much information at our fingers up today
and technology and Internet is well then
our reach I couldn’t help but wonder how
is it possible there was such wealth and
knowledge that our relationships are
still failing today how is it possible
that with this wealth and abundance of
knowledge that divorce rates are
increasing in this country and beyond as
a professional in my field in order for
me to solve such a problem I must ask an
even more empowering question so I asked
what are the core reasons that create
and contribute to creating divorce rates
as well as we fail equations in my six
years of experience and over 700 hours
of coaching redesigning relationships
I’ve made to profound discoveries that
changed my perspective around relations
forever the first discovery was that our
understanding of relationships is
outdated and does not apply to our world
today the second discovery is that
because of this understanding couples
today in marriages are making crucial
mistakes that are detrimental to the
relationship so I’m sure you’re
wondering what are those mistakes the
first mistake is that those couples have
no clue who they are on an individual
and collective level and the
relationship they have no clear sense of
identity what does this mean it means
that they have not been able to answer
the following questions Who am I as a
man or a woman in a relationship what do
I want in a relationship what are my
values and where is this relationship
going or why now where am I going in
life when you have two people practicing
this level of lack of clarity you get a
couple living in uncertainty
which brings us to our next mistake the
next mistake they are practicing over
and over again is that one couples are
living in uncertainty they are
immediately living in fear see it’s our
natural tendency and it has been proven
in psychology that when we live in so
much fear the easiest thing for us to do
is to live our past in the relationship
it’s to go back in time in our memories
and live an access our hurt and
reference point so that we can prove
something to ourselves we think it’s
comfortable but it’s not because of that
I have one word to describe it it’s
called package now surprise surprise
ladies and gentlemen as much as we have
this topic it’s a hot topic and
relationships baggage all of us have
baggage the difference however is that
some couples walk in with this big bag
of problems and issues from the past and
others just walking with the suitcase
and third relationship when I’ve noticed
however unfortunately is that those
couples come in with their whole
backyard to the relationship with so
much overwhelm was so much lack of
clarity and fear it brings us to our
third mistake when you live in so much
fear and lack of clarity you stop
communicating you stop talking to one
another you stop expressing that’s why
those couples will take way too long to
clear the air between one another see I
believe that in a relationship in order
for you to thrive and succeed you have
to create an open space of intimacy and
connection and growth and safety but
when you don’t practice that kind of
conversation every single day you know
how the story ends which brings me to
our fourth mistake the fourth mistake is
that those couples have a deep silent
fear of intimacy what is intimacy ladies
and gentlemen intimacy is the ability
for us to look at ourselves and tell
ourselves
I love you I appreciate you and explore
our world and then step into that other
person’s world and do the same and then
allow them to do the same for us but
what creates intimacy in our
relationship what creates intimacy is
the ability for us to be kings and
queens and our relationships which means
we have two energies inside of us the
masculine and the feminine all of us
whether you’re a male or a female we
have masculine feminine or masculine the
clear directive assertive kind of energy
and the feminine the nurturing the
collaborative flowing kind of energy all
of us happen today in order to have a
queen who was empathic and open has a
mission for his kingdom we must have a
queen the kind of queen who was able to
provide her wisdom for her king so that
both of them can call leave that
relationship that Kingdom properly but
today what do we find enlarges at best
at best we get a prince in a princess
living a love story it’s okay to laugh
good this is a reality so I’m sure
you’re wondering now that we know the
problem what is the solution what do we
do I have a solution I would invite you
to close your eyes and we’ve done of
this a lot today but it’s great to look
inside so I invite you to look inside
close your eyes and go back in time
maybe 20 to 30 years ago when things
were a lot simpler the internet was not
available to us things were calmer
between people there were no
distractions we loved one another go
down one of your neighborhoods back in
time and witness how people used to
connect with one another communities
were smaller people allowed themselves
to connect and converse name
hoods neighbors knew one another there
was a model of religion that was unique
to that time is that if I gave something
to you I knew that you would give
something to me promises were kept trust
was there please open your eyes we’re
there are distractions we are living in
the world of disruption the internet
takes our attention away all the time so
what do we do this is the model that
they apply back then so if we apply to
husbands and wives today because it’s
directly focused at the person you get
blame you get guilt you get disrespect
if one of them stops doing something the
other either overcompensates or stops
doing something at all or calls it quits
what do we do I would invite you again
to close your eyes and this time slow
things down a whole lot more and imagine
your new partner your husband or wife or
even future desired partner by both of
you holding a cup of coffee that has two
handles that cup that coffee was created
by both of you you invested in those
ingredients and you added them into the
cup now take a sip of that cup smell the
coffee allow yourself to be mesmerised
by the experience of the coffee where is
the texture like what is the experience
of drinking that coffee like now pay
attention to the ingredients that you
added into that coffee you individually
and how it affected the taste please
open your eyes
let’s all agree on something now
whatever your experience was drinking
that coffee awaken your senses ladies
and gentlemen the cup of coffee is their
relationship the cup of coffee is a
separate entity on its own why because
because of this world that we’re in
right now individuality which means me
understanding myself and working on
myself has been primed it has been
primed so much the people are focusing
on themselves but in order for us to
focus on ourselves and connect to
someone we need something extra to
believe in a common goal a common
experience but we can’t go back in time
and say this is the experience we’re
going to work on and so I invite you to
look at this and the ingredients are
both of people add in this takes the
blame away from people when I looked
into my work and the amount of people
who actually are already practicing this
i’ve discovered that they are adding
four different ingredients to create the
successful relationship for bass ones
like creating any cup of coffee the
first ingredient those couples are
adding is deep curiosity the ability for
us to remain completely curious and
inquisitive about as another person why
do we need deep curiosity this is
biochemical ladies and gentlemen we have
a hormone inside of us that’s called
dopamine and it is the hormone of
novelty renewable things in our bodies
and experiences but most of us today
what are we doing we’re getting it from
our phones from social media we’re
scrolling through our facebook timelines
thinking we’re going to get something
new but at the end of the day we don’t
get what we really really want people
think that they’re connecting on a
deeper level with others by going
through Facebook and other social media
platforms but in reality we’re fooling
ourselves with things that we are
connecting but not really because
there’s another person that’s sitting
desiring that kind of love and affection
curiosity have gone out and have seen
people who are going out on dates and
they’re on their phones where is the
curiosity where is the level of
affection and depth that we can create
between one another the second
ingredient of the ad is their ability to
look at our relationship like an
adventure see I’m a man who believes in
meaning if you tell yourself today that
you’re a person who says life happens to
me my God why does life happen to me you
get a certain set of experience and
behavior but when you tell yourself life
happens for me you get another
completely different experience it’s the
same like a relationship if you study
yourself my god my relationship is
boring it’s a lot of work my partner
does not understand me why did I get
myself into this what experience are you
going to get but if we tell yourself it
is an adventure our relationship is an
adventure we’re getting to know things
every day by god he took the trash out
that level of zest and renewable energy
brings a new definition to relationships
that level of awakening like a cup of
coffee brings an experience like never
before the third ingredient of the ad is
their ability to have common activities
see a lot of us today sit most of the
time on our chairs and that reduces our
energy level our vibration to the world
in order for us to go out there and do
something with the people that we love
we have to be able to think differently
about our movements we have to create
something a bonding and we need a
hormone for that called oxytocin the
love hormone but on top of that you need
something else you need creativity to
allow that relationship to grow and to
prosper and to do so much more and
way we can access that level of
creativity is by doing something with
our body and by doing it with somebody
else by going out not what we were
thinking that’s the beauty that’s the
zest of a relationship that’s the
experience we get when we drink a cup of
coffee the fourth ingredient and the
most visible one today that we find
people don’t practice openly his
acceptance acceptance acceptance is the
ability for me to tell you thank you I
appreciate you for who you are it’s that
moment when I tell you I love you or
that moans when I say I do but that
moment I got on my knees and say will
you marry me but that happens at the
beginning of the relationship only why
it’s because a lot of people today a lot
of couples spend way too much time
thinking and architecting the person we
try to draw the person up to our needs
we try to change the person up to the
way we want we inoculate we manipulate
the environment in a way that we want
that person to be exactly how we wanted
them to be from the moment we got entire
leadership with them but what happens
after the honeymoon phase dude that girl
is nothing like what I expected her to
be what a letdown instead of spending so
much time architecting and designed the
person I can tag the relationship that
cup of coffee spend time on this get
conscious and very clear and intentional
at what we add inside of this get very
curious what did I act today take
ownership clear ownership and leadership
of what ingredients you add in because
whatever you add in affects the taste
dramatically and when we take that
ownership we can’t blame that person we
can’t look at them and say you don’t
love me get curious what did I add in
that relation to creative this
listen just one this is what I call a
love action plan couples today don’t
have a love action plan at all when you
have that love action plan you bring
that awakening to life you being that
zest and excitement to our relationship
much like a story i’m going to share
with you right now the time in 2013 when
i visited barcelona who here has been to
Barcelona but beautiful city beautiful
so filled with creativity and youth and
a different experience and vibe I was
walking down the city center with my
friends and I found a beautiful shop
that was having its new grand opening a
tiny in comic shop but it was distinct
and design it was a photography and art
shop vintage style the difference
however is that this shop was filled
with mostly glass windows and doors very
few walls so if you were walking from
the outside you could see what’s
happening in the inside so me and my
friends walked in out of curiosity and
then after walking in we discovered wow
there’s a lot of people that energy is
high jazz music is playing everybody’s
networking we had some nibbles and at
some point the organizers came in and
they said respectfully we’d like to ask
you to stand outside there’s an
performer walking in right now Wow a
performer it gets better we stood
outside in curiosity like children
what’s about to happen in no time a
flamenco dancer walked in with four men
behind her with buckets of paint
different colors but 12 color he had
four paint brushes in a cassette player
very vintage she stood and they looked
at us gazed at us acknowledge that our
we were present with her she wore her
paintbrushes she dipped them into the
color and what happened next is exactly
what you thinking about she played the
music she clapped she tapped her fingers
and feet she dipped her fingers and feet
into the color and she started to splash
all over the place red blue green
hello white orange purple black pink
everything we stood there we were in awe
and love and out of excitement we
couldn’t understand but it was amazing
we were awestruck by that amazing
performance and I wanted a very quiet
place in my mind and heart and i said my
goodness isn’t this what a relationship
is like that level of passion
uncertainty flow direction color and
then i asked myself hang on a second
isn’t this weather cup of coffee does to
us it’s almost like having a cup of
coffee brings awakening freshness
creativity to the relationship when you
drink that cup a new experience comes to
life and so ladies and gentlemen not
here to tell you to become lovers better
lovers in a relationship I’m here to
help you find a way so that you can
become influencers of love ladies and
gentlemen I’m here to tell you wake up
your hearts thank you [Applause]