becoming an epidemic in North America
one in four women will be sexually
assaulted during their lifetime this
statistic is even higher for women in
university so how do we work to stop
sexual assault
where can we possibly begin many
activists have begun this fight by
focusing on the needs of survivors of
sexual assault through what has been
called a pro survivor approach to
support this approach prioritizes the
survivor and protects their rights by
believing those who say they’ve been
sexually assaulted and by providing them
with the resources that they need to
heal this approach defines sexual
assault as any unwanted act of a sexual
nature contrasting the more rigid legal
definitions that can often be extremely
narrow I believe that this approach is a
powerful and necessary tool in
supporting survivors however I also
believe that to truly work towards
ending sexual assault we must go further
we must go further because Lowepro
survivor approaches focus on the needs
of survivors they are still a reactive
response to sexual assault we need to
intervene before assaults are happening
so why doesn’t that happen I believe
that the answer to this question lies in
the ways that we speak about sexual
assault and the misconceptions that we
hold about what sexual assault looks
like we as a society tell women to
protect themselves from sexual assault
by never walking home alone taking
self-defense courses or even by keeping
their car keys close to use as a
potential weapon against attackers
mantras like these suggest that the
only perpetrators of sexual assault are
evil
faceless strangers lurking in dark
alleys this view is pervasive inaccurate
and extremely dangerous I know firsthand
just how damaging this inaccurate
perception of sexual assaults can be
because I experienced the effects of it
myself
when I started University I followed all
those rules that we tell young women to
adhere to
I took safe routes home I always walked
in pairs and I never talked to strangers
I believed as many people do that by
adhering to these rules I would be able
to protect myself from sexual assault it
was also during this first year of
university that I met John John worked
as a dawn in the residence that I lived
in his job as a dawn was essentially an
older student who acted as a cross
between a counselor and a community
organizer for the students he and I had
an extremely close relationship he was a
friend to me
he was a support system he helped me
navigate the ups and downs of my first
year of university away from home John
had also undergone hours of training for
his job he’d even helped facilitate
mandatory workshops on the importance of
consent in sexual relationships contrary
to everything that I had ever been told
despite taking all of the steps that I
had thought would keep me safe I ended
up being sexually assaulted twice in my
first year of university not by a
strange man lurking in the shadows of a
deserted Street at night but by another
first-year student and by John as I
mentioned before John and I were close
in retrospect we were probably too close
much like the relationship between
professors and students it is
sidered extremely unethical for Don’s to
have any sort of romantic relations with
their students due to the power
imbalance that exists between them I
cared about John deeply but I never
thought that anything would happen
between us a few nights after my
birthday John found me in the hallway of
our residence building having a panic
attack at the time I was experiencing
severe anxiety and flashbacks
due to the first sexual assault that had
experienced a few months prior I hadn’t
told anyone about that assault until now
John took me back to his room and sat
with me while I cried and told him
everything about this assault how this
first-year student who was blackout
drunk had groped every inch of my body
while I tried not to pass out from fear
telling all of this to John for the
first time was a weight off of my
shoulders but in that moment everything
changed when I finished telling John
about the single most painful experience
of my life he leaned in and he started
to kiss me I could not move I felt so
vulnerable and scared in this moment
that I was petrified with fear his hands
searched every crevice of my body and
tore off my clothes without any
hesitation I did not want this I had not
asked for any of this then he had sex
with me I felt like my body was being
set on fire
like he was tearing off my skin with his
bare hands and fingernails the image of
his face while he was inside of me is
permanently burned into the back of my
mind and when I close my eyes I can
you’ll see it as clearly as if it
happened yesterday four years after this
night I had vivid nightmares reliving
the assault
I had debilitating flashbacks I’d have
panic attacks triggered just from seeing
someone on the street who resembled him
I felt like everything that had happened
to me was my fault
I’d often lay awake at night wondering
why instead of fight-or-flight my body
chose to freeze it was easier for me to
blame myself for the assault than to
accept that someone so close to me had
hurt me so deeply after suffering with
these symptoms in silence I finally
began to speak to friends about what had
happened to me
to my surprise many people reacted with
shock and disbelief actual responses I
heard after sharing my experiences
included things like John but isn’t he a
dawn and but he’s such a good guy and
most disheartening didn’t you have a
crush on him are you sure he raped you
we hear these same kinds of responses
replicated anytime someone famous is
accused of sexual assault such as in the
recent cases with Bill Cosby Jean
Ghomeshi and multiple promising colored
and professional athletes we don’t want
to admit that someone we know let alone
someone we love could be capable of
sexual assault the reality is that they
are 80% of sexual assault survivors know
the person who sexually assaulted them
yet we continually speak about sexual
assault as if it is only perpetrated by
strangers we don’t think of our loved
ones or of ourselves as capable of
assaulting someone and this is the most
dangerous part of believing that
misguided idea of what sexual assault
looks like
because when we think that sexual
assaults are only perpetrated by
strangers faceless others that good
people cannot do bad things it takes the
onus off of us to keep each other and
ourselves accountable
I stayed silent about the assault for
almost a year after it happened due to
the initial responses that I’d received
having people close to me questioned the
validity of my claims made me feel like
I had to constantly defend myself
looking back what I needed first and
foremost was support I needed to be told
it’s not your fault to be asked how can
I support you and most of all to be told
I believe you in the end
staff members in our residence has heard
about the incident and John was asked to
leave his job and move out of the
building early not because of the sexual
assault but because of inappropriate
contact with a student there was no
formal disciplinary action taken through
the Dean of Students and apart from
having to leave the building a few days
early John saw no real consequences for
his actions what concerned me the most
about this situation was not the lack of
punishment for him but was the absence
of any learning on his part no one ever
had a conversation with John about why
what happened between us was wrong I
realized this when a month after the
assault John sent me a message over
Facebook in the message he refers to the
assault as that last bit of drama at the
end of the year that’s when it hit me
so John knew that he’d been fired for
having sex with me he did not think that
he’d sexually assaulted me why didn’t
anyone speak to him about his actions
does his friends stay silent for fear of
jeopardizing their friendship having
conversations with friends and loved
ones about their actions does not have
to mean the end of a relationship what
it means is having a conversation about
accountability that can stop future
assaults from happening maybe people
chose not to confront him for fear that
he’d been falsely accused conversations
surrounding sexual assault inevitably
contain a fear of false accusations the
idea that people make false sexual
assault claims in order to gain
attention or seek revenge this fear is
unfounded the reality of coming forward
as a survivor of sexual assaults means
having your experiences trivialized and
disbelieved at every turn facing
retraumatization from having to tell
your story over and over again and if
you decide to report your assault to the
police going up against a broken justice
system that is ill-equipped to deal with
sexual assault cases there is nothing to
gain from a false accusation we have two
options in these situations when someone
we know is accused of sexual assault if
we decide to have a conversation with
someone and it turns out that they did
not in fact sexually assault someone
then the worst possible outcome is some
awkwardness but we’re still having a
conversation
we are still planting a seed this person
will now be more aware of their actions
even if they did not sexually assault
someone but if they did that
conversation may be able to prevent
future assaults from happening the flip
side of this is of course that if we do
not have this conversation out of fear
of a possible false accusation and this
person did sexually assault someone they
may go on to sexually assault someone
again
in my own experience many of John’s
friends seem to take the fear-based
approach in response to the assault
I had just survived the most traumatic
experience of my life and in addition to
being blamed for my own assault I had to
watch as people chose to stand by and
act like nothing had happened and
because of that John may sexually
assault someone again but had society
not portrayed perpetrators as monsters
and dark alleys had John realized that
these conversations about consent
applied to him too had we’ve been
talking about this earlier then he may
have never sexually assaulted me in the
first place this situation will not
change overnight
we still need more support for survivors
in the current system but this is a way
that we could start making change today
I believe that once we understand that
we are all capable of sexual assault we
can start holding each other accountable
by having conversations and continuing
to raise awareness then we can move
towards a society where sexual assault
does not happen I want to live in a
world where no one ever has to go
through what I went through and I
believe that we can start working
towards that world together one conversation at a time thank you