they’re terribly long and terribly
written goodluck sitting through these
welcome to watchmojo.com and today we’re
counting down our picks for the top 10
worst movie monologues it seems to me
like you’re the expert mark no
definitely not an expert Johnny for this
list we’re looking at speeches or
extended pieces of big screen dialogue
that are over-the-top poorly written or
just too long I’ve been shown through
the wisdom of others that there is one
more battle to be waged they may also be
poorly performed they may make you
cringe they may be about a subject that
isn’t worth spending time on or they may
just be entirely out of place in the
film tone or content wise I present now
my story full of mystery and intrigue
number 10
Snow White needs a brother Snow White
and the Huntsman iron will melt but it
will drive inside of itself after she
took on the role of Bella in Twilight
it’s hard to describe Kristen Stewart as
a revered Hollywood actress she did
nothing to enhance her reputation in
this retelling of the classic fairy tale
all these years
oh I’ve known as darkness but I have
never seen a brighter light than who my
eyes just opened best described as
safely generic the rallying cry in
question comes just after Snow White
wakes from a slumber induced by Queen
Ravenna ‘he’s poison apple however by
the look on snow’s face she’s still half
asleep i will become your weapon though
it’s my first fire that i know is in
your hearts aside from raising the
volume of her voice stuart is as wooden
as ever barely looking anything more
than mildly displeased at the oppression
she suffered her whole life you all
right with me
we all thought Bella was gone after
Twilight concluded but this is all too
reminiscent of that moody teenager here
asking about the weather number 9 the
most confusing opening ever
Zardoz I am Arthur Frayn and I am
does feeling like an abstract Monty
Python sketch rather than the opening of
a fantasy flick Zardoz is floating head
bounces around the screen rambling about
God and the entertainment business well
at least we think that’s what’s going on
it’s not entirely clear in this tale I
am a fake god by occupation and a
magician by inclination just to compound
your confusion
Zardoz his beard is drawn on with what
seems to be a sharpie and his headdress
looks like it’s made from a simple tea
towel leaving you wondering if the whole
thing is one big mistake and you poor
creatures who conjured you out of the
clay despite the fact that this is one
of the most bizarre movie beginnings
ever it actually does a pretty good job
of setting the tone for the rest of this
hilariously corny flick which also gives
us the pleasure of seeing Sean Connery
in a diaper venus is evil number 8 Geils
speech street fighter you’re joking he
may not have had much to work with but
the muscles from Brussels sure does a
magnificent job of butchering pretty
much every line in this typically
abysmal video game adaptation troopers
I just received new orders our superiors
say the war is canceled we know he can
act his monologue and JCVD was excellent
yet as Colonel guile he’s nearly
unintelligible and what you can
understand is rendered accidentally
hilarious thanks to his thick
supervillain desk Belgian accent my son
is getting paid up for his crimes and
our friends will have died here will
have died for nothing
it’s incredible that such a mediocre
speech came from the likes of Stephen E
D’Souza the same man who penned
endlessly quotable hits from the 80s and
90s like the first to die hard movies
I’m not going home I’m gonna get on my
boat and I’m going a braver and I’m
going to kick that son of a bitch Bisons
ass so hard
that the next by Sun wannabe is gonna
feel it though the speech may be hard to
understand at least it sounds vaguely
motivational so he deserves a small
cheer for that now who wants to go home
and who wants to go with me number 7
Colin Firth’s generic final speech the
last legion my friends we’ve all seen
many morning’s like this one Colin Firth
has often been typecast as a suave
dashing English gent and after his role
as general or Elias in the Roman army
you’ll understand why together we’ve
watched the Sun Rise and not known if
that day would be our last
so I’m comrades I’ve seen scarcely out
of boyhood trembling before their first
part this movie is loosely based on the
story of the demise of the Western Roman
Empire except there’s barely a sliver of
originality in any scene which is
demonstrated by this rousing speech
honestly you could stick this passage of
dialogue in literally any war movie
together we have fought all our lives
for the Empire that our ancestors
created and together we have watched
that Empire crumble to dust first to his
credit gets a little worked up but as a
viewer you can actually see all the
mandatory elements for such a speech
being ticked off swelling music check
through the wisdom of others that there
is one more battle to be waged call to
action check let us defend to the last
breath this island of Prytania against
those who would tear out its heart and
soul
punchy catchphrase check that there was
such a thing as a Roman soldier with a
Roman sword and a Roman heart you’ve
seen all these tropes before and after
this news fest you can only pray that
you’ll never have to suffer through them
again season number 6
rocky solves the cold war rocky for I
came here tonight I didn’t know what to
expect
the Italian stallion usually inspires us
through acts of sheer physical will and
awesome montages though he never quite
sets the world on fire with his verbal
eloquence
however after defeating the steroid
enhanced Ivan Drago and turning a
previously partisan USSR crowd to his
side rocky uses the platform he has to
give a slurring speech imploring
everyone including members of the
Politburo to unite and move on from Cold
War animosity during his fight I seen a
lot of changing in a film rammed with
kitschy moral lessons this contrived
final speech written by Sylvester
Stallone himself attempts to turn Balboa
into some sort of social arbiter when
three films before this he could barely
spit out
Adrian coherently let your fists do the
talking next time Rocky if I can change
get emotional Carsley coffees music and
you can change we’re more fifties
minutes number five Mark Wahlberg’s
awkward flirting the happening what No
Oh M night what happened how can the
same guy who gave us the sixth sense
come up with this tripe throughout this
thriller slash unintentional comedy
there are a number of horribly written
passages of dialogue it’s the plans they
can release chemicals you like hot dogs
don’t you yet the one we’ve chosen is by
far the worst if we’re gonna die alone
you to know something I was in a
pharmacy a while ago it was a really
good looking pharmacist buy on the
counter trying to get back at his wife
for going out for a tiramisu with
another guy yes it’s that specific Mark
Wahlberg’s character Elliot confesses
that he nearly spent $6 on cough syrup
just to talk to a cute pharmacist I went
up and I asked where the cough syrup was
I didn’t even have a call and I almost
bought it in a perfect storm of awful
Wahlberg’s famously perma surprised
performance combines with shamah lines
horrendous script writing in what could
well be one of the hardest scenes to
watch in film history are you choking
number four trivializing assault the
room what’s new with you I’m just
sitting up here thinking you know
watching Tommy Wiseau’s disaster of a
romantic drama these days is a
bewildering guilty pleasure for many and
it seems like this that fans love
for you yeah you think girls like to
cheat like guys do what makes you say
that
let’s all stop and marvel at wise OHS
complete and utter lack of understanding
of the craft yeah taemi partly job as
with the rest of the film there is
something slightly off with how casually
mark talks about a woman being
hospitalized by an angry partner I just
know a girl she had a dozen guys one of
them found out about it beat her up so
bad she ended up in a hospital in
Guerrero Street hahaha
the delivery is fine ish yet the script
is so oblivious to the seriousness of
the subject it’s trying to examine that
the viewer and Johnny can’t help but
laugh inappropriately what a story mark
haha what a story mark number three
Mickey Rourke’s musings on life the
Expendables
you know man we know Stanford but
you stupid that try to look like this is
going to dry up what film goers wanted
from this orgy of testosterone-fueled
action stars was ridiculous carnage
interspersed with corny one-liners not
shoehorned character development that’s
desperately trying to paint this mix of
mercenaries as tortured souls you
remember that time we was up in Bosnia
we took down them sir bad boys Roarke as
Toole Ponder’s how war has destroyed him
as a human being even churning out the
old cliche about the possibility of
saving a soul had he actually stopped a
woman from committing suicide
she looked at me and I knew she was
going to jump
you know what I did man I just turned
around I kept walking you might have
thought this hammy attempt at creating a
sympathetic character would spark a
change in Stallone’s Barney but no his
whole squad carries on happily raining
down wanton destruction it might be
pointless for the plot but it’s the
perfect time for the movie Gore to go to
the bathroom or make him or herself a
drink let us save that woman now let it
no seed will be left of my soul you know
number 2 hitting on a criminal Geely you
know some you’re right it is sentence
sounding like a rant that might come
from a stereotypical frat boy the
titular Larry G Lee uses a number of
childish colloquialisms to bemoan the
fact that he’s not able to have fellow
criminal Ricky know why I’m said
because I got this beautiful
sexy gorgeous heartthrob arama
smart amazing bombshell 17 on a intense
scale girl sleeping in a bed right next
to me unbelievably Ricky doesn’t even
react when G Lee labels her a stone-cold
Dyke and Dyke asaurus rex I remaining
mute blank-faced
and surprisingly unoffending by such
terms she’s a stone-cold Dyke Afghan
untouchable on a bubble unattainable
brick wall dyke asaurus rex I’d the
scene is designed to show G Lee’s soft
innards sneaking through his hard
exterior but the mysterious absence of
chemistry shown by Bennifer means you
might completely miss the fact that this
is G Lee opening up about his feelings
hmm also you’d never guess they were
dating at the time not only she major
babe
but I really like this girl a lot okay
but seriously who says heartthrob arama
in real life jeez Oh in case you’re
interested my life sucks
before we unveil our number one pick
here are some honorable mentions there’s
a part of him that wants to Jimmy a part
deep inside himself that sounds a
warning
but there’s another one
needs to go your simplicity long ended
when you took Persian mistresses and
children and you thickened your holdings
with plunder and jewels number one
anakin dislikes sand Star Wars Episode
two Attack of the Clones here everything
is soft and smooth George Lucas arguably
did such a stinking job telling Darth
Vader’s origin story that it’s tough to
decide if the brat from the Phantom
Menace is better or worse than the
angsty teen he later becomes are you an
angel what
while in Naboo with Padme Anakin
awkwardly comes up with a line that even
a 14 year old on their first date would
be embarrassed about
I don’t like sand it’s coarse rough and
irritating and it gets everywhere Hayden
Christensen is stiff and creepy when
wooing the former queen he stares
strokes and bites his lip which we can
only assume our moves from Anakin’s
warped point of view and he seems to
think they’re more effective than a Jedi
mind trick it might be shorter than many
of the monologues on this list but the
sand speech is unrivaled in terms of
sheer density when it comes to
horrendous meme worthy content if Master
obi-wan caught me doing this he’d be
very grumpy do you agree with our list
which meandering piece of film dialog
can you not bear to sit through for more
entertaining top 10s published every day
be sure to subscribe to watchmojo.com is
it some secret don’t forget I’ll talk to
you later well whatever
Oh
written goodluck sitting through these
welcome to watchmojo.com and today we’re
counting down our picks for the top 10
worst movie monologues it seems to me
like you’re the expert mark no
definitely not an expert Johnny for this
list we’re looking at speeches or
extended pieces of big screen dialogue
that are over-the-top poorly written or
just too long I’ve been shown through
the wisdom of others that there is one
more battle to be waged they may also be
poorly performed they may make you
cringe they may be about a subject that
isn’t worth spending time on or they may
just be entirely out of place in the
film tone or content wise I present now
my story full of mystery and intrigue
number 10
Snow White needs a brother Snow White
and the Huntsman iron will melt but it
will drive inside of itself after she
took on the role of Bella in Twilight
it’s hard to describe Kristen Stewart as
a revered Hollywood actress she did
nothing to enhance her reputation in
this retelling of the classic fairy tale
all these years
oh I’ve known as darkness but I have
never seen a brighter light than who my
eyes just opened best described as
safely generic the rallying cry in
question comes just after Snow White
wakes from a slumber induced by Queen
Ravenna ‘he’s poison apple however by
the look on snow’s face she’s still half
asleep i will become your weapon though
it’s my first fire that i know is in
your hearts aside from raising the
volume of her voice stuart is as wooden
as ever barely looking anything more
than mildly displeased at the oppression
she suffered her whole life you all
right with me
we all thought Bella was gone after
Twilight concluded but this is all too
reminiscent of that moody teenager here
asking about the weather number 9 the
most confusing opening ever
Zardoz I am Arthur Frayn and I am
does feeling like an abstract Monty
Python sketch rather than the opening of
a fantasy flick Zardoz is floating head
bounces around the screen rambling about
God and the entertainment business well
at least we think that’s what’s going on
it’s not entirely clear in this tale I
am a fake god by occupation and a
magician by inclination just to compound
your confusion
Zardoz his beard is drawn on with what
seems to be a sharpie and his headdress
looks like it’s made from a simple tea
towel leaving you wondering if the whole
thing is one big mistake and you poor
creatures who conjured you out of the
clay despite the fact that this is one
of the most bizarre movie beginnings
ever it actually does a pretty good job
of setting the tone for the rest of this
hilariously corny flick which also gives
us the pleasure of seeing Sean Connery
in a diaper venus is evil number 8 Geils
speech street fighter you’re joking he
may not have had much to work with but
the muscles from Brussels sure does a
magnificent job of butchering pretty
much every line in this typically
abysmal video game adaptation troopers
I just received new orders our superiors
say the war is canceled we know he can
act his monologue and JCVD was excellent
yet as Colonel guile he’s nearly
unintelligible and what you can
understand is rendered accidentally
hilarious thanks to his thick
supervillain desk Belgian accent my son
is getting paid up for his crimes and
our friends will have died here will
have died for nothing
it’s incredible that such a mediocre
speech came from the likes of Stephen E
D’Souza the same man who penned
endlessly quotable hits from the 80s and
90s like the first to die hard movies
I’m not going home I’m gonna get on my
boat and I’m going a braver and I’m
going to kick that son of a bitch Bisons
ass so hard
that the next by Sun wannabe is gonna
feel it though the speech may be hard to
understand at least it sounds vaguely
motivational so he deserves a small
cheer for that now who wants to go home
and who wants to go with me number 7
Colin Firth’s generic final speech the
last legion my friends we’ve all seen
many morning’s like this one Colin Firth
has often been typecast as a suave
dashing English gent and after his role
as general or Elias in the Roman army
you’ll understand why together we’ve
watched the Sun Rise and not known if
that day would be our last
so I’m comrades I’ve seen scarcely out
of boyhood trembling before their first
part this movie is loosely based on the
story of the demise of the Western Roman
Empire except there’s barely a sliver of
originality in any scene which is
demonstrated by this rousing speech
honestly you could stick this passage of
dialogue in literally any war movie
together we have fought all our lives
for the Empire that our ancestors
created and together we have watched
that Empire crumble to dust first to his
credit gets a little worked up but as a
viewer you can actually see all the
mandatory elements for such a speech
being ticked off swelling music check
through the wisdom of others that there
is one more battle to be waged call to
action check let us defend to the last
breath this island of Prytania against
those who would tear out its heart and
soul
punchy catchphrase check that there was
such a thing as a Roman soldier with a
Roman sword and a Roman heart you’ve
seen all these tropes before and after
this news fest you can only pray that
you’ll never have to suffer through them
again season number 6
rocky solves the cold war rocky for I
came here tonight I didn’t know what to
expect
the Italian stallion usually inspires us
through acts of sheer physical will and
awesome montages though he never quite
sets the world on fire with his verbal
eloquence
however after defeating the steroid
enhanced Ivan Drago and turning a
previously partisan USSR crowd to his
side rocky uses the platform he has to
give a slurring speech imploring
everyone including members of the
Politburo to unite and move on from Cold
War animosity during his fight I seen a
lot of changing in a film rammed with
kitschy moral lessons this contrived
final speech written by Sylvester
Stallone himself attempts to turn Balboa
into some sort of social arbiter when
three films before this he could barely
spit out
Adrian coherently let your fists do the
talking next time Rocky if I can change
get emotional Carsley coffees music and
you can change we’re more fifties
minutes number five Mark Wahlberg’s
awkward flirting the happening what No
Oh M night what happened how can the
same guy who gave us the sixth sense
come up with this tripe throughout this
thriller slash unintentional comedy
there are a number of horribly written
passages of dialogue it’s the plans they
can release chemicals you like hot dogs
don’t you yet the one we’ve chosen is by
far the worst if we’re gonna die alone
you to know something I was in a
pharmacy a while ago it was a really
good looking pharmacist buy on the
counter trying to get back at his wife
for going out for a tiramisu with
another guy yes it’s that specific Mark
Wahlberg’s character Elliot confesses
that he nearly spent $6 on cough syrup
just to talk to a cute pharmacist I went
up and I asked where the cough syrup was
I didn’t even have a call and I almost
bought it in a perfect storm of awful
Wahlberg’s famously perma surprised
performance combines with shamah lines
horrendous script writing in what could
well be one of the hardest scenes to
watch in film history are you choking
number four trivializing assault the
room what’s new with you I’m just
sitting up here thinking you know
watching Tommy Wiseau’s disaster of a
romantic drama these days is a
bewildering guilty pleasure for many and
it seems like this that fans love
for you yeah you think girls like to
cheat like guys do what makes you say
that
let’s all stop and marvel at wise OHS
complete and utter lack of understanding
of the craft yeah taemi partly job as
with the rest of the film there is
something slightly off with how casually
mark talks about a woman being
hospitalized by an angry partner I just
know a girl she had a dozen guys one of
them found out about it beat her up so
bad she ended up in a hospital in
Guerrero Street hahaha
the delivery is fine ish yet the script
is so oblivious to the seriousness of
the subject it’s trying to examine that
the viewer and Johnny can’t help but
laugh inappropriately what a story mark
haha what a story mark number three
Mickey Rourke’s musings on life the
Expendables
you know man we know Stanford but
you stupid that try to look like this is
going to dry up what film goers wanted
from this orgy of testosterone-fueled
action stars was ridiculous carnage
interspersed with corny one-liners not
shoehorned character development that’s
desperately trying to paint this mix of
mercenaries as tortured souls you
remember that time we was up in Bosnia
we took down them sir bad boys Roarke as
Toole Ponder’s how war has destroyed him
as a human being even churning out the
old cliche about the possibility of
saving a soul had he actually stopped a
woman from committing suicide
she looked at me and I knew she was
going to jump
you know what I did man I just turned
around I kept walking you might have
thought this hammy attempt at creating a
sympathetic character would spark a
change in Stallone’s Barney but no his
whole squad carries on happily raining
down wanton destruction it might be
pointless for the plot but it’s the
perfect time for the movie Gore to go to
the bathroom or make him or herself a
drink let us save that woman now let it
no seed will be left of my soul you know
number 2 hitting on a criminal Geely you
know some you’re right it is sentence
sounding like a rant that might come
from a stereotypical frat boy the
titular Larry G Lee uses a number of
childish colloquialisms to bemoan the
fact that he’s not able to have fellow
criminal Ricky know why I’m said
because I got this beautiful
sexy gorgeous heartthrob arama
smart amazing bombshell 17 on a intense
scale girl sleeping in a bed right next
to me unbelievably Ricky doesn’t even
react when G Lee labels her a stone-cold
Dyke and Dyke asaurus rex I remaining
mute blank-faced
and surprisingly unoffending by such
terms she’s a stone-cold Dyke Afghan
untouchable on a bubble unattainable
brick wall dyke asaurus rex I’d the
scene is designed to show G Lee’s soft
innards sneaking through his hard
exterior but the mysterious absence of
chemistry shown by Bennifer means you
might completely miss the fact that this
is G Lee opening up about his feelings
hmm also you’d never guess they were
dating at the time not only she major
babe
but I really like this girl a lot okay
but seriously who says heartthrob arama
in real life jeez Oh in case you’re
interested my life sucks
before we unveil our number one pick
here are some honorable mentions there’s
a part of him that wants to Jimmy a part
deep inside himself that sounds a
warning
but there’s another one
needs to go your simplicity long ended
when you took Persian mistresses and
children and you thickened your holdings
with plunder and jewels number one
anakin dislikes sand Star Wars Episode
two Attack of the Clones here everything
is soft and smooth George Lucas arguably
did such a stinking job telling Darth
Vader’s origin story that it’s tough to
decide if the brat from the Phantom
Menace is better or worse than the
angsty teen he later becomes are you an
angel what
while in Naboo with Padme Anakin
awkwardly comes up with a line that even
a 14 year old on their first date would
be embarrassed about
I don’t like sand it’s coarse rough and
irritating and it gets everywhere Hayden
Christensen is stiff and creepy when
wooing the former queen he stares
strokes and bites his lip which we can
only assume our moves from Anakin’s
warped point of view and he seems to
think they’re more effective than a Jedi
mind trick it might be shorter than many
of the monologues on this list but the
sand speech is unrivaled in terms of
sheer density when it comes to
horrendous meme worthy content if Master
obi-wan caught me doing this he’d be
very grumpy do you agree with our list
which meandering piece of film dialog
can you not bear to sit through for more
entertaining top 10s published every day
be sure to subscribe to watchmojo.com is
it some secret don’t forget I’ll talk to
you later well whatever
Oh
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