last fall I was working from my laptop
at a busy coffee shop in Tempe Arizona I
noticed a couple came next to me they
were older maybe in their mid to late
60s and they sat at a tall round bar
table next to me now the gentleman was
the quintessential grumpy old man and I
say that because things were coming from
his mouth like goddamn this and goddamn
that and this son of a bitch so on and
so forth while his partner a small quiet
woman just sat there and shook her head
now this gentleman was a large portly
fellow and so when he would sit at this
table it went a little something like
this he would sit with his stomach to
about here and when he would turn to the
table he would hit it with his stomach
and then he would knock the napkins and
his phone to the floor and this happened
about three times and each time it
happened
his exclamations of son of a bitch and
god damn it Murray got louder and louder
now let me remind you this was a busy
coffee shop it is a weekday morning and
the line for coffee is almost out the
door but this angry gentleman didn’t
care he was so upset about his goddamn
table that he busted in front of the
line to the front counter so he could
yell at the baristas to tell them they
needed to get new goddamn tables and he
demanded that his drinks be free to
compensate for his grief at this point
everybody’s kind of shocked I’m seeing
some dropped jaws I’m seeing wide eyes
but no one really knows what to do with
this angry aggressive yelling man and so
while all this is happening
I’m keeping my eye on his partner Marie
and she’s waiting in the wings and I can
tell by her body language that she’s
getting pretty embarrassed and I also
watch as she cautiously made her way to
the front by her partner and she begins
to plead with him pop stop please it’s
okay it’s okay just sit down it’s okay
now Bob did not like this and directly
into Marie’s face he screams no no Marie
no it’s not okay it’s not okay you dumb
you dumb bitch just sit down and shut
the up I think that most of us can
agree that the terms dumb bitch and shut
the up should not be said to anyone
let alone your partner and let me remind
you this is not in hushed tones this is
not behind closed doors this is in broad
daylight in a public space with at least
20 sets of eyes and ears watching and
listening and that was horrifying and
poor Marie Marie back down went back to
her chair and sat in silence in defeat
and it’s in that moment I feel for Marie
and I feel for me because I’ve been
Marie I know what it’s like to be at a
complete loss as to what to do because
you’re so scared of what your partner
will say or do next or what they’re
gonna make you suffer later if you
question them in any way shape or form
and then when something like this
happens in public and you feel awkward
and embarrassed and you don’t know what
to do and everybody watching feels
awkward and embarrassed and they don’t
know what to do I mean it’s all just
it’s lonely and it’s alienating and it’s
completely disempowering and it is those
times when if anybody needs a hero it is
an empty and fearful moments like that
about a week before all this went down
my friend Elena had been walking down a
busy street in Paris when a man came up
behind her and grabbed her by the crotch
and she struggled to get away with him
or not with him from him for what must
have seemed like forever but finally she
was able to free herself and get to
safety now later that day she posted
about her experience on Facebook and the
one thing she said was that the thing
she was the most upset about was not
that this man had attacked her but it
was that no one did anything no one now
this was not in a dark alley at 3:00
a.m. with no one around this was in the
middle of the day on a busy street with
hundreds of people yet no one did
anything
no one now remember reading her story at
home and just thinking to myself this is
so nuts how could people not do anything
but like Marie I can relate to link
Elena and her story all too well years
ago I remember sitting in my car with my
then partner we were parked at a Walmart
parking lot and he was on one of his
daily tirades against me informing me
and letting me know that I understood
how selfish I was how ugly I was how fat
and unsexy and how unmotivated I was and
that there was nothing about me that he
could even be proud enough to present me
as his girlfriend to anybody and on this
particular day I remember just crying
and trying to get through it and I was
fixating on the clock on the dash
I remember going to from about 4 o’clock
to 4:13 to 437 5 to 525 to about 6
o’clock and the whole time he’s still
going and while all this is happening
we’re in a parking lot so people are
parking alongside of us getting in and
out of their cars and they look at us I
see
them looking at me and even though I
couldn’t say anything I remember in my
head silently pleading please help me
please stop this but no one stopped and
no one stopped any other time and you’re
probably wondering well girl why didn’t
you just open the door and get out of
the car for me at that point in my
relationship with him
I was so beaten down and I was caught in
the cycle of self loathing and sadness
and honestly I kind of believed him I
kind of believed the things he said
about me cuz in my head I thought well
if this man loves me and he’s telling me
these things there has to be some little
bit of truth in it so maybe I kind of
deserved this and so I never opened a
car door and as always just left with
him so because I have these experiences
that I could relate to Marie and relate
to Elena maybe that’s why I did what I
did next so fast forward to where bob
has yelled at Marie and they are now
sitting I decided I have had enough of
Bob and I’m gonna tell him what is on my
mind now let me tell you though I was
super scared and I was really frightened
but for me because of my experiences and
because I got it not doing anything was
not a choice for me and so partly
shielded from my laptop take a quick
breaths and I’m able to get out Hey
okay that was nowhere near loud enough
that I needed to be at and Bob didn’t
hear me he didn’t turn around and the
reality is he’s a little bit older so I
might need to speak up so I try again
and this time I take a deeper breath and
now it’s a exhale I feel like I’m
pressing my fear down and then from
somewhere deep inside of me comes this
almost yell hey mister and it was about
that loud I am not kidding you
but he definitely heard me that time and
he whips around in complete shock and I
can see over his shoulder Bree looks as
the only way I can describe it is in
fear and disbelief so Bob and I are
making contacts we are staring at each
other for a couple of seconds when he
finally kind of relaxes and then he
chuckles and as he turns away from me he
defiantly mutters I can talk to her any
way I want I’m sorry what
you think that you can talk to her any
way you want I it was like all feeling
and thought just left my head and
everything just went red red red red I
was pissed and I become I just lost an
emotion mostly anger
and then I become lost in thought and I
time travel and a time travel back to
the moment where I had had enough of my
then abusive partner now remember this
day vividly he was going on about
someone he was upset with shocker and I
was trying to participate in the
conversation and say something and the
next few moments just went by really
slowly it was the kind of slow where a
second feels like a minute
I remembered the air coming out of my
lungs traveling up my windpipe and it’s
about to pass over my lips so I can
begin to utter sound and before I can
even begin to speak a word he’s yelling
at me he is telling me he’s sick of me
lying all the time and that I didn’t
know what I was talking about anyway I
hadn’t even said anything and already he
is putting me down and berating me
literally for nothing on a usual day I
would have kept quiet and I would have
backed down and I would have waited for
him to be done but that day I was
different for me and the only way I can
describe it is that this wall of fear
that had kept me and held me back from
standing up for so many times when I
should it for myself was gone it had
vanished and even though at this point I
felt that I had lost so much of myself
that wall of fear was replaced with a
small sliver of the old dolly
the old dolly that was confident and
take no from anybody that was gonna
come up attitude blazing and step in and
be ready for the fight now all this time
that I was with him I don’t know where
she was hiding but I am glad that she
showed up because this guy was scary in
the time I had been with him I had
learned so much about him in his history
and things that he had done that I had a
right to be scared but at this point
that did not matter because how I was
living my life which was in constant
fear and sadness and doubt
that’s not living and so instead of
choosing silence that day I chose me and
I chose these words I don’t like how you
treat me
you make me feel bad about myself and I
feel disrespected and I feel unloved
you don’t get to talk to me like that
anymore and it is eerie how similar his
reaction was to Bob’s now he was a
bigger guy and I remember him getting
really close to me inches from my face
and telling me I can talk to you any way
I want and I was scared I remember
trembling but I knew that by confronting
him I had just firmly placed both feet
in Pandora’s box and it was too late now
I could not pull back I had no choice
but to be all-in for me because I wanted
to get me back and there was no one else
in that room that was going to choose me
but me and so I said to him what I’d
been so scared to say for so long no no
you don’t because I am done I had had
enough I had enough of constant fear I
had enough of all the self-doubt I had
enough of being a victim and I wanted me
back for but for that to happen I had to
be enough for myself and this is a
really hard thing to do it is easier
said than done especially if you have
been living your life like this for so
long there’s a lot of fear in choosing
an unknown and different future because
sometimes the devil you know seems a
heck of a lot safer than the devil that
you don’t and then that day
I chose the devil that was a stranger
and that choice ended up being very
it’s making that choice is really hard
right I mean it’s a series of choices
you’re making and it is a long hard road
and it especially seems more arduous if
you feel like you’re doing it by
yourself
so when Murray backed down to Bob I
didn’t blame her because if that is what
he was like in public
I cringe to think what he would be like
behind closed doors I had no idea what
he was like and honestly I don’t know
Murray’s story I don’t know why she
chose the devil that she knew because
it’s complicated life and emotion and
the human experience are all messy and
complex but what I do know is that when
I think of my own experiences and when I
think of Alena and they think of all the
other stories of people needing someone
to step in and say the truth and be an
advocate when someone could not for
themselves know I was not going to allow
this behavior to happen in front of me I
was not gonna bear witness and enable
Bob and his shitty words and actions so
come back to the moment where bob has
taken time to inform me that he can talk
to Murray any way he wants in this next
moment I felt that I said for Murray
what Murray could not say for herself no
actually you don’t sir and ma’am I hope
you know that – part of me wondered if I
made things worse for her by saying
anything would she have to deal with
Bob’s anger from interacting with me
that day maybe but there’s a bigger part
of me that
bird all of the times when someone
needed someone else to step in and be
the momentary hero and disrupt the cycle
they don’t need someone who is just
gonna be an audience member and bearing
witness and not doing anything because
it’s not their business I wasn’t gonna
do that because what about Elena and
then what about Marie what about me
I looked at Bob and marina from my
laptop and I’m trying to stay still but
I am almost shaking because I have so
much adrenaline running through my body
and Bob bob was furious face bright red
and he stands up I didn’t know what was
gonna happen but instead of doing
anything to me he decided to walk out of
the coffee shop with Marie trailing
after him so these stories that I’ve
just shared with you they’re not full of
sunshine and rainbows and if anything
you might be feeling disappointed and
bummed out by people right now and I get
it I really do but I share these stories
with you for a reason and it is because
I am real and my experiences are real
Elena is real and Marie is real we are
not fictional stories that you watch on
your TV these things have happened to us
and these things will happen to people
that you probably know and that you will
come across as you live your life every
day and so what I want you to know is
this so you are empowered and you are
able and you have the right to speak up
when you see something that’s not right
and when that time comes I don’t know
what that’s gonna look like for you
because maybe you’ll be able to say
something directly like I did to Bob or
maybe you won’t feel safe and you’ll end
up telling someone next to you are
talking to a manager or talking to the
cops I don’t know what that’s gonna look
like for you but what I can tell you is
that doing something is a heck of a lot
better than doing nothing because I
think what people for
yet is that silence and inaction scream
volumes so if you’re sitting there
wondering I still don’t know if I could
then please hear me when I say this to
you is that yes you can you are an
able-bodied person that has an innate
sense of what is right is wrong and you
are empowered and you have the right to
thank you
[Applause] [Music]
at a busy coffee shop in Tempe Arizona I
noticed a couple came next to me they
were older maybe in their mid to late
60s and they sat at a tall round bar
table next to me now the gentleman was
the quintessential grumpy old man and I
say that because things were coming from
his mouth like goddamn this and goddamn
that and this son of a bitch so on and
so forth while his partner a small quiet
woman just sat there and shook her head
now this gentleman was a large portly
fellow and so when he would sit at this
table it went a little something like
this he would sit with his stomach to
about here and when he would turn to the
table he would hit it with his stomach
and then he would knock the napkins and
his phone to the floor and this happened
about three times and each time it
happened
his exclamations of son of a bitch and
god damn it Murray got louder and louder
now let me remind you this was a busy
coffee shop it is a weekday morning and
the line for coffee is almost out the
door but this angry gentleman didn’t
care he was so upset about his goddamn
table that he busted in front of the
line to the front counter so he could
yell at the baristas to tell them they
needed to get new goddamn tables and he
demanded that his drinks be free to
compensate for his grief at this point
everybody’s kind of shocked I’m seeing
some dropped jaws I’m seeing wide eyes
but no one really knows what to do with
this angry aggressive yelling man and so
while all this is happening
I’m keeping my eye on his partner Marie
and she’s waiting in the wings and I can
tell by her body language that she’s
getting pretty embarrassed and I also
watch as she cautiously made her way to
the front by her partner and she begins
to plead with him pop stop please it’s
okay it’s okay just sit down it’s okay
now Bob did not like this and directly
into Marie’s face he screams no no Marie
no it’s not okay it’s not okay you dumb
you dumb bitch just sit down and shut
the up I think that most of us can
agree that the terms dumb bitch and shut
the up should not be said to anyone
let alone your partner and let me remind
you this is not in hushed tones this is
not behind closed doors this is in broad
daylight in a public space with at least
20 sets of eyes and ears watching and
listening and that was horrifying and
poor Marie Marie back down went back to
her chair and sat in silence in defeat
and it’s in that moment I feel for Marie
and I feel for me because I’ve been
Marie I know what it’s like to be at a
complete loss as to what to do because
you’re so scared of what your partner
will say or do next or what they’re
gonna make you suffer later if you
question them in any way shape or form
and then when something like this
happens in public and you feel awkward
and embarrassed and you don’t know what
to do and everybody watching feels
awkward and embarrassed and they don’t
know what to do I mean it’s all just
it’s lonely and it’s alienating and it’s
completely disempowering and it is those
times when if anybody needs a hero it is
an empty and fearful moments like that
about a week before all this went down
my friend Elena had been walking down a
busy street in Paris when a man came up
behind her and grabbed her by the crotch
and she struggled to get away with him
or not with him from him for what must
have seemed like forever but finally she
was able to free herself and get to
safety now later that day she posted
about her experience on Facebook and the
one thing she said was that the thing
she was the most upset about was not
that this man had attacked her but it
was that no one did anything no one now
this was not in a dark alley at 3:00
a.m. with no one around this was in the
middle of the day on a busy street with
hundreds of people yet no one did
anything
no one now remember reading her story at
home and just thinking to myself this is
so nuts how could people not do anything
but like Marie I can relate to link
Elena and her story all too well years
ago I remember sitting in my car with my
then partner we were parked at a Walmart
parking lot and he was on one of his
daily tirades against me informing me
and letting me know that I understood
how selfish I was how ugly I was how fat
and unsexy and how unmotivated I was and
that there was nothing about me that he
could even be proud enough to present me
as his girlfriend to anybody and on this
particular day I remember just crying
and trying to get through it and I was
fixating on the clock on the dash
I remember going to from about 4 o’clock
to 4:13 to 437 5 to 525 to about 6
o’clock and the whole time he’s still
going and while all this is happening
we’re in a parking lot so people are
parking alongside of us getting in and
out of their cars and they look at us I
see
them looking at me and even though I
couldn’t say anything I remember in my
head silently pleading please help me
please stop this but no one stopped and
no one stopped any other time and you’re
probably wondering well girl why didn’t
you just open the door and get out of
the car for me at that point in my
relationship with him
I was so beaten down and I was caught in
the cycle of self loathing and sadness
and honestly I kind of believed him I
kind of believed the things he said
about me cuz in my head I thought well
if this man loves me and he’s telling me
these things there has to be some little
bit of truth in it so maybe I kind of
deserved this and so I never opened a
car door and as always just left with
him so because I have these experiences
that I could relate to Marie and relate
to Elena maybe that’s why I did what I
did next so fast forward to where bob
has yelled at Marie and they are now
sitting I decided I have had enough of
Bob and I’m gonna tell him what is on my
mind now let me tell you though I was
super scared and I was really frightened
but for me because of my experiences and
because I got it not doing anything was
not a choice for me and so partly
shielded from my laptop take a quick
breaths and I’m able to get out Hey
okay that was nowhere near loud enough
that I needed to be at and Bob didn’t
hear me he didn’t turn around and the
reality is he’s a little bit older so I
might need to speak up so I try again
and this time I take a deeper breath and
now it’s a exhale I feel like I’m
pressing my fear down and then from
somewhere deep inside of me comes this
almost yell hey mister and it was about
that loud I am not kidding you
but he definitely heard me that time and
he whips around in complete shock and I
can see over his shoulder Bree looks as
the only way I can describe it is in
fear and disbelief so Bob and I are
making contacts we are staring at each
other for a couple of seconds when he
finally kind of relaxes and then he
chuckles and as he turns away from me he
defiantly mutters I can talk to her any
way I want I’m sorry what
you think that you can talk to her any
way you want I it was like all feeling
and thought just left my head and
everything just went red red red red I
was pissed and I become I just lost an
emotion mostly anger
and then I become lost in thought and I
time travel and a time travel back to
the moment where I had had enough of my
then abusive partner now remember this
day vividly he was going on about
someone he was upset with shocker and I
was trying to participate in the
conversation and say something and the
next few moments just went by really
slowly it was the kind of slow where a
second feels like a minute
I remembered the air coming out of my
lungs traveling up my windpipe and it’s
about to pass over my lips so I can
begin to utter sound and before I can
even begin to speak a word he’s yelling
at me he is telling me he’s sick of me
lying all the time and that I didn’t
know what I was talking about anyway I
hadn’t even said anything and already he
is putting me down and berating me
literally for nothing on a usual day I
would have kept quiet and I would have
backed down and I would have waited for
him to be done but that day I was
different for me and the only way I can
describe it is that this wall of fear
that had kept me and held me back from
standing up for so many times when I
should it for myself was gone it had
vanished and even though at this point I
felt that I had lost so much of myself
that wall of fear was replaced with a
small sliver of the old dolly
the old dolly that was confident and
take no from anybody that was gonna
come up attitude blazing and step in and
be ready for the fight now all this time
that I was with him I don’t know where
she was hiding but I am glad that she
showed up because this guy was scary in
the time I had been with him I had
learned so much about him in his history
and things that he had done that I had a
right to be scared but at this point
that did not matter because how I was
living my life which was in constant
fear and sadness and doubt
that’s not living and so instead of
choosing silence that day I chose me and
I chose these words I don’t like how you
treat me
you make me feel bad about myself and I
feel disrespected and I feel unloved
you don’t get to talk to me like that
anymore and it is eerie how similar his
reaction was to Bob’s now he was a
bigger guy and I remember him getting
really close to me inches from my face
and telling me I can talk to you any way
I want and I was scared I remember
trembling but I knew that by confronting
him I had just firmly placed both feet
in Pandora’s box and it was too late now
I could not pull back I had no choice
but to be all-in for me because I wanted
to get me back and there was no one else
in that room that was going to choose me
but me and so I said to him what I’d
been so scared to say for so long no no
you don’t because I am done I had had
enough I had enough of constant fear I
had enough of all the self-doubt I had
enough of being a victim and I wanted me
back for but for that to happen I had to
be enough for myself and this is a
really hard thing to do it is easier
said than done especially if you have
been living your life like this for so
long there’s a lot of fear in choosing
an unknown and different future because
sometimes the devil you know seems a
heck of a lot safer than the devil that
you don’t and then that day
I chose the devil that was a stranger
and that choice ended up being very
it’s making that choice is really hard
right I mean it’s a series of choices
you’re making and it is a long hard road
and it especially seems more arduous if
you feel like you’re doing it by
yourself
so when Murray backed down to Bob I
didn’t blame her because if that is what
he was like in public
I cringe to think what he would be like
behind closed doors I had no idea what
he was like and honestly I don’t know
Murray’s story I don’t know why she
chose the devil that she knew because
it’s complicated life and emotion and
the human experience are all messy and
complex but what I do know is that when
I think of my own experiences and when I
think of Alena and they think of all the
other stories of people needing someone
to step in and say the truth and be an
advocate when someone could not for
themselves know I was not going to allow
this behavior to happen in front of me I
was not gonna bear witness and enable
Bob and his shitty words and actions so
come back to the moment where bob has
taken time to inform me that he can talk
to Murray any way he wants in this next
moment I felt that I said for Murray
what Murray could not say for herself no
actually you don’t sir and ma’am I hope
you know that – part of me wondered if I
made things worse for her by saying
anything would she have to deal with
Bob’s anger from interacting with me
that day maybe but there’s a bigger part
of me that
bird all of the times when someone
needed someone else to step in and be
the momentary hero and disrupt the cycle
they don’t need someone who is just
gonna be an audience member and bearing
witness and not doing anything because
it’s not their business I wasn’t gonna
do that because what about Elena and
then what about Marie what about me
I looked at Bob and marina from my
laptop and I’m trying to stay still but
I am almost shaking because I have so
much adrenaline running through my body
and Bob bob was furious face bright red
and he stands up I didn’t know what was
gonna happen but instead of doing
anything to me he decided to walk out of
the coffee shop with Marie trailing
after him so these stories that I’ve
just shared with you they’re not full of
sunshine and rainbows and if anything
you might be feeling disappointed and
bummed out by people right now and I get
it I really do but I share these stories
with you for a reason and it is because
I am real and my experiences are real
Elena is real and Marie is real we are
not fictional stories that you watch on
your TV these things have happened to us
and these things will happen to people
that you probably know and that you will
come across as you live your life every
day and so what I want you to know is
this so you are empowered and you are
able and you have the right to speak up
when you see something that’s not right
and when that time comes I don’t know
what that’s gonna look like for you
because maybe you’ll be able to say
something directly like I did to Bob or
maybe you won’t feel safe and you’ll end
up telling someone next to you are
talking to a manager or talking to the
cops I don’t know what that’s gonna look
like for you but what I can tell you is
that doing something is a heck of a lot
better than doing nothing because I
think what people for
yet is that silence and inaction scream
volumes so if you’re sitting there
wondering I still don’t know if I could
then please hear me when I say this to
you is that yes you can you are an
able-bodied person that has an innate
sense of what is right is wrong and you
are empowered and you have the right to
thank you
[Applause] [Music]
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