hi guys it’s the lady portion of the
evening the lady comic portion few women
chuckle that’s the exact reaction I
usually get it is it’s very strange
being a female comic I always like to
address what the audience is thinking
like don’t worry I wish I had a penis
too right
I think penis is a real snazzy do you
like your Weiner sir
of course you’re do they make more money
that’s neat yeah what are women making
we’re making like what 78 75 cents on
the dollar you guys are just scooping in
those extra quarters they’re Wiens right
yeah do you guys know women on less than
20% of the land in the whole world did
you guys know that and I’m not judging I
don’t own land you know why cuz about
these shoes that’s what I don’t land
Wiener jokes bought me these shoes no
stand-up comedy it’s a very odd
profession especially for a woman you
hear the strangest things like
occasionally like an emcee will bring me
on stage and he’ll be like we got
something different coming to this stage
we got a lady and you’re like why is he
bringing me up as if I’m a bear on a
bicycle this is very odd
my favorite question one guy asked me
he’s like why would you do stand-up
you’re a pretty girl and I was like wait
I guess this guy just assumed if you’re
like a reasonably attractive woman in
America people just hand you puppies and
bags of money so I was like that’s not
happening and I need to pay my cable
bill so um no it is it’s very it is very
confusing but could you do you hear the
craziest things like this guy after he
said that he was like well you just
don’t look like a comedian and I asked
him I was like well what does a
community and look like and he was like
wow I don’t think you look like a
comedian you look more like a magazine
editor I was like oh I guess I guess I
hope it’s more new New Yorker than than
Field & Stream that’s what I was hoping
so then I yeah I I guess everything in
life it’s you know everything in life is
how you choose to see it it’s like this
guy I he looked at me and he didn’t see
a stand-up comedian he didn’t see
somebody that looks funny
and I want to know what does funny look
like is
funny black is it white is it fat is it
skinny it’s funny male is it female is
it me does this look funny I might click
her in my pocket does this more look
more like a comedian that’s me I
Photoshop myself at a Paula Poundstone
I’m super happy with that my friend did
it I’m very happy no does that look more
like a comedian we’ll just take that off
cuz that’s very distracting even though
I do enjoy the shoulder pads
why would somebody who looks like a
magazine editor choose to do stand-up
comedy one I have no other life skills
that’s true I can pick out throw pillows
but I have yet to figure out how to
monetize my pillow picking and to AH I
really I just love making people laugh
when you people laugh at you they like
you and I’ve always had a desperate need
to be liked you know it is I come from a
whole family of tragedy that’s pretty
much the reason I’ll give you a little
bit of a backstory um I come from kind
of a sad sad I don’t know sad childhood
I’m not saying I’m a sad clown that’s
why I’m a comedian but this was my first
headshot right there it’s also a great
Photoshop job everybody know know why
why would I choose to do something why
would I choose a field where people
still accuse women of not being funny
you go to a comedy club owner take that
off cuz it’s distracting you go to a
comedy club and maybe one in every 12
weeks as a woman why would I choose to
do that well this is basically my
backstory I grew up in Allentown
Pennsylvania has anybody heard of it
yeah okay I like to say you know your
towns a dump when Billy Joel’s singing
about it and I’m sure I’m gonna get
slack from Allentown for that but no and
I grew up with two parents that were
teenage parents my parents were 17 when
they met and they met at a summer Pocono
resort their romance was very dirty
dancing sans the casual racism and
provocative dancing and back room
abortions and they got married they got
married three months later cuz my mom
thought she was pregnant and when I say
thought my mom apparently had just
gained a little weight
and they couldn’t afford to go to a
doctor so they just assumed she was
pregnant decided to get married
turns out she was just drinking a lot of
milkshakes that summer she worked on a
dairy farm
yeah my mom got married because she got
fat that’s why no that’s true so that
they knew my parents knew that their
parents would never let them get married
if they weren’t pregnant so they tried
to get pregnant real fast this was my
first birthday right there as you can
see that’s my trailer that I grew up in
that’s me as a little kid my birthday
cake is on cinder blocks that’s nice and
my father had a full van full ride to
Villeneuve on an academic scholarship
and now he’s living in this trailer with
my mom so my grandparents don’t look the
happiest they’ve ever been in their
whole life we lived there for about I
don’t know three semesters until an
electrical fire burned that trailer to
the ground and then we moved back in
with my aunt who was a paranoid
schizophrenic and my two grandparents my
aunt was Derek diagnosed with
schizophrenia out when I was I don’t
know maybe six years old she came home
one day and she was just crazy that’s
what they called her crazy Carol Carol
she was great as a kid I thought Carol I
thought Carol was fun crazy had
imaginary friends and I had imaginary
friends it was really a good time no she
wouldn’t Carol would have these moments
of like lucidity and really great
insight and then she’d followed up
something totally kooky she’d be like
April don’t look outward for your
happiness your puzzle needs to be
completed within you don’t look for
pieces to your puzzle Olivia newton-john
talks to me through the grease
soundtrack and you’re like oh okay that
no I love my aunt she taught me how to
tell time she taught me how to read and
then my aunt committed suicide when I
was 10 years old she shot herself with
my uncle’s gun and my dad was the one to
find her after that my my this sounds
crazy it’s gonna get sadder but then
we’ll get back to funny so don’t worry
all right no my aunt committed suicide
and that my grandfather died of AIDS it
was about ten days later my grandfather
contracted HIV in the early 80s through
a blood transfusion yeah they were they
weren’t testing blood at the time and
then he unknowingly passed it to my
grandma my grandmother so both my
grandparents died of AIDS
my aunt shot herself then both my
grandparents died of AIDS and people ask
why I’m funny now
now when was my grandfather he was he
was a lovely man he had a bald head he
would take me for doughnuts and with a
little bakery boxes with a string and I
loved him so after they passed away my
dad had kind of lost his way he lost
both his parents his sister had shot
herself my mom was kind of sad my mom
grew up in a very tragic household she
was one of seven children and not one of
her parents told her she was loved not
once so there was a lot of sadness in my
household growing up right so after that
what do you do as a young girl who grows
up in chaos and dysfunction and has
abandonment issues you turn to
promiscuity that’s what I did I like to
say I’ve been get my self-esteem back
one wiener at a time since I was 15 yeah
I I did sex really early my early I mean
after it happened I went home and
watched Fraggle Rock everybody so some
of the younger people in the room aren’t
gonna get that joke that’s okay so why
why would I choose comedy I think
there’s really no other choice right you
can extract humor out of life or you can
take what’s sad and for years I chose
sad it’s like for years I was sad and I
was depressed I played a victim I blamed
my childhood for my problems and then I
found comedy comedy was the thing that
saved me right it’s like if you can make
somebody laugh you can alleviate their
pain for very a very short period of
time and my household as a kid that’s
all I had that’s I could lift that I
could lift the sadness and I could take
away I could take away my parent’s pain
it’s like and I look at that I look at
the funny things now I look at my
grandmother
let’s see now who’s my grandmother who
she was one of the ones that died of
AIDS my grandmother had a stroke when I
was in second grade and she lost her
speech and she only retained the use of
the words good boy son of a bitch
that was the extent of my grandmother’s
vocabulary and she used to make me wear
why god forbid we got an umbrella look I
look like a young recruit for the KKK
that is not normal should not take me
outside like
that take that off that was I call her
good a boy good grandma so no it’s funny
cuz she did she would talking just good
boy good a boy good and I just knew what
she was talking about through various
word combinations like too good a boys
and a goddam it meant she needed
Metamucil so we had a certain amount of
communication going so now what can I do
I can either I can either be sad I can
be sad about the fact that my
grandparents died of AIDS and my aunt
shot herself or I can find humor in life
that’s what I can do it’s like I can
laugh at the fact that I called it my
aids e grandparents I think that’s
hilarious
I call my I call my mom’s side of the
family the REO booze wagons because
they’re all alcoholics every last one of
them I have an uncle who was arrested
for DUI by a bicycle cop that’s fun yeah
my mom drinks and paint pick these she
paints pictures of Michael Bolton nobody
ever believes me I’m gonna show you I’ll
let that sit with you guys for a minute
if you guys want to just soak that in so
honestly what choice did I have to
become a comic it’s like you can either
you can find you the tragedy or you can
find the humor it’s like I had no choice
to be a comic because this is my
childhood
that’s me pouring booze in an
above-ground pool when I was 10 years
old while my dad lights a cigarette and
my mom’s swimming away from me I think
that says everything finally I just say
find the humor it’s like stand-up comedy
it’s given me the best life lessons it’s
taught me that I can choose happiness I
don’t have to choose sadness it’s like I
get to decide who I am I create the
narrative of my life I shape it it’s I
to decide you get to decide who you are
what you want to be what you stand for
so create a beautiful story that’s what
I believe and I believe that you get to
just that when you get to decide you get
to decide who you see today
I see somebody who I’m super proud of I
see somebody standing on stage doing a
TED talk I get paid to tell Wiener jokes
for a living that’s really exciting and
I’m a stand-up comedian I’m proud to be
here I don’t know why I’m about to tear
up but I’m very excited about it
you know what I see I see somebody today
who’s funny and people say that women
aren’t funny but I say we are we are
just as damaged as men yes
stand-up comedy saved me stand-up comedy
was my lifeboat I see funny that’s what
I see thank you guys so much for your
time
[Music] [Applause]
evening the lady comic portion few women
chuckle that’s the exact reaction I
usually get it is it’s very strange
being a female comic I always like to
address what the audience is thinking
like don’t worry I wish I had a penis
too right
I think penis is a real snazzy do you
like your Weiner sir
of course you’re do they make more money
that’s neat yeah what are women making
we’re making like what 78 75 cents on
the dollar you guys are just scooping in
those extra quarters they’re Wiens right
yeah do you guys know women on less than
20% of the land in the whole world did
you guys know that and I’m not judging I
don’t own land you know why cuz about
these shoes that’s what I don’t land
Wiener jokes bought me these shoes no
stand-up comedy it’s a very odd
profession especially for a woman you
hear the strangest things like
occasionally like an emcee will bring me
on stage and he’ll be like we got
something different coming to this stage
we got a lady and you’re like why is he
bringing me up as if I’m a bear on a
bicycle this is very odd
my favorite question one guy asked me
he’s like why would you do stand-up
you’re a pretty girl and I was like wait
I guess this guy just assumed if you’re
like a reasonably attractive woman in
America people just hand you puppies and
bags of money so I was like that’s not
happening and I need to pay my cable
bill so um no it is it’s very it is very
confusing but could you do you hear the
craziest things like this guy after he
said that he was like well you just
don’t look like a comedian and I asked
him I was like well what does a
community and look like and he was like
wow I don’t think you look like a
comedian you look more like a magazine
editor I was like oh I guess I guess I
hope it’s more new New Yorker than than
Field & Stream that’s what I was hoping
so then I yeah I I guess everything in
life it’s you know everything in life is
how you choose to see it it’s like this
guy I he looked at me and he didn’t see
a stand-up comedian he didn’t see
somebody that looks funny
and I want to know what does funny look
like is
funny black is it white is it fat is it
skinny it’s funny male is it female is
it me does this look funny I might click
her in my pocket does this more look
more like a comedian that’s me I
Photoshop myself at a Paula Poundstone
I’m super happy with that my friend did
it I’m very happy no does that look more
like a comedian we’ll just take that off
cuz that’s very distracting even though
I do enjoy the shoulder pads
why would somebody who looks like a
magazine editor choose to do stand-up
comedy one I have no other life skills
that’s true I can pick out throw pillows
but I have yet to figure out how to
monetize my pillow picking and to AH I
really I just love making people laugh
when you people laugh at you they like
you and I’ve always had a desperate need
to be liked you know it is I come from a
whole family of tragedy that’s pretty
much the reason I’ll give you a little
bit of a backstory um I come from kind
of a sad sad I don’t know sad childhood
I’m not saying I’m a sad clown that’s
why I’m a comedian but this was my first
headshot right there it’s also a great
Photoshop job everybody know know why
why would I choose to do something why
would I choose a field where people
still accuse women of not being funny
you go to a comedy club owner take that
off cuz it’s distracting you go to a
comedy club and maybe one in every 12
weeks as a woman why would I choose to
do that well this is basically my
backstory I grew up in Allentown
Pennsylvania has anybody heard of it
yeah okay I like to say you know your
towns a dump when Billy Joel’s singing
about it and I’m sure I’m gonna get
slack from Allentown for that but no and
I grew up with two parents that were
teenage parents my parents were 17 when
they met and they met at a summer Pocono
resort their romance was very dirty
dancing sans the casual racism and
provocative dancing and back room
abortions and they got married they got
married three months later cuz my mom
thought she was pregnant and when I say
thought my mom apparently had just
gained a little weight
and they couldn’t afford to go to a
doctor so they just assumed she was
pregnant decided to get married
turns out she was just drinking a lot of
milkshakes that summer she worked on a
dairy farm
yeah my mom got married because she got
fat that’s why no that’s true so that
they knew my parents knew that their
parents would never let them get married
if they weren’t pregnant so they tried
to get pregnant real fast this was my
first birthday right there as you can
see that’s my trailer that I grew up in
that’s me as a little kid my birthday
cake is on cinder blocks that’s nice and
my father had a full van full ride to
Villeneuve on an academic scholarship
and now he’s living in this trailer with
my mom so my grandparents don’t look the
happiest they’ve ever been in their
whole life we lived there for about I
don’t know three semesters until an
electrical fire burned that trailer to
the ground and then we moved back in
with my aunt who was a paranoid
schizophrenic and my two grandparents my
aunt was Derek diagnosed with
schizophrenia out when I was I don’t
know maybe six years old she came home
one day and she was just crazy that’s
what they called her crazy Carol Carol
she was great as a kid I thought Carol I
thought Carol was fun crazy had
imaginary friends and I had imaginary
friends it was really a good time no she
wouldn’t Carol would have these moments
of like lucidity and really great
insight and then she’d followed up
something totally kooky she’d be like
April don’t look outward for your
happiness your puzzle needs to be
completed within you don’t look for
pieces to your puzzle Olivia newton-john
talks to me through the grease
soundtrack and you’re like oh okay that
no I love my aunt she taught me how to
tell time she taught me how to read and
then my aunt committed suicide when I
was 10 years old she shot herself with
my uncle’s gun and my dad was the one to
find her after that my my this sounds
crazy it’s gonna get sadder but then
we’ll get back to funny so don’t worry
all right no my aunt committed suicide
and that my grandfather died of AIDS it
was about ten days later my grandfather
contracted HIV in the early 80s through
a blood transfusion yeah they were they
weren’t testing blood at the time and
then he unknowingly passed it to my
grandma my grandmother so both my
grandparents died of AIDS
my aunt shot herself then both my
grandparents died of AIDS and people ask
why I’m funny now
now when was my grandfather he was he
was a lovely man he had a bald head he
would take me for doughnuts and with a
little bakery boxes with a string and I
loved him so after they passed away my
dad had kind of lost his way he lost
both his parents his sister had shot
herself my mom was kind of sad my mom
grew up in a very tragic household she
was one of seven children and not one of
her parents told her she was loved not
once so there was a lot of sadness in my
household growing up right so after that
what do you do as a young girl who grows
up in chaos and dysfunction and has
abandonment issues you turn to
promiscuity that’s what I did I like to
say I’ve been get my self-esteem back
one wiener at a time since I was 15 yeah
I I did sex really early my early I mean
after it happened I went home and
watched Fraggle Rock everybody so some
of the younger people in the room aren’t
gonna get that joke that’s okay so why
why would I choose comedy I think
there’s really no other choice right you
can extract humor out of life or you can
take what’s sad and for years I chose
sad it’s like for years I was sad and I
was depressed I played a victim I blamed
my childhood for my problems and then I
found comedy comedy was the thing that
saved me right it’s like if you can make
somebody laugh you can alleviate their
pain for very a very short period of
time and my household as a kid that’s
all I had that’s I could lift that I
could lift the sadness and I could take
away I could take away my parent’s pain
it’s like and I look at that I look at
the funny things now I look at my
grandmother
let’s see now who’s my grandmother who
she was one of the ones that died of
AIDS my grandmother had a stroke when I
was in second grade and she lost her
speech and she only retained the use of
the words good boy son of a bitch
that was the extent of my grandmother’s
vocabulary and she used to make me wear
why god forbid we got an umbrella look I
look like a young recruit for the KKK
that is not normal should not take me
outside like
that take that off that was I call her
good a boy good grandma so no it’s funny
cuz she did she would talking just good
boy good a boy good and I just knew what
she was talking about through various
word combinations like too good a boys
and a goddam it meant she needed
Metamucil so we had a certain amount of
communication going so now what can I do
I can either I can either be sad I can
be sad about the fact that my
grandparents died of AIDS and my aunt
shot herself or I can find humor in life
that’s what I can do it’s like I can
laugh at the fact that I called it my
aids e grandparents I think that’s
hilarious
I call my I call my mom’s side of the
family the REO booze wagons because
they’re all alcoholics every last one of
them I have an uncle who was arrested
for DUI by a bicycle cop that’s fun yeah
my mom drinks and paint pick these she
paints pictures of Michael Bolton nobody
ever believes me I’m gonna show you I’ll
let that sit with you guys for a minute
if you guys want to just soak that in so
honestly what choice did I have to
become a comic it’s like you can either
you can find you the tragedy or you can
find the humor it’s like I had no choice
to be a comic because this is my
childhood
that’s me pouring booze in an
above-ground pool when I was 10 years
old while my dad lights a cigarette and
my mom’s swimming away from me I think
that says everything finally I just say
find the humor it’s like stand-up comedy
it’s given me the best life lessons it’s
taught me that I can choose happiness I
don’t have to choose sadness it’s like I
get to decide who I am I create the
narrative of my life I shape it it’s I
to decide you get to decide who you are
what you want to be what you stand for
so create a beautiful story that’s what
I believe and I believe that you get to
just that when you get to decide you get
to decide who you see today
I see somebody who I’m super proud of I
see somebody standing on stage doing a
TED talk I get paid to tell Wiener jokes
for a living that’s really exciting and
I’m a stand-up comedian I’m proud to be
here I don’t know why I’m about to tear
up but I’m very excited about it
you know what I see I see somebody today
who’s funny and people say that women
aren’t funny but I say we are we are
just as damaged as men yes
stand-up comedy saved me stand-up comedy
was my lifeboat I see funny that’s what
I see thank you guys so much for your
time
[Music] [Applause]
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