anyone who’s been in a relationship
longer than a month
knows it doesn’t take long to find
something to fight about one of our
biggest fights did one of us cheat on
the other no did one of us forget our
anniversary nope
did one of us drink a little too much
and then order everything on Amazon yes
but now the big fight him eating the
last chocolate chip cookie yeah I wish I
were kidding we’re having this romantic
picnic we’re on the water underneath
this shade tree we’ve got all the best
snacks lined up and we’re being that
annoyingly cute couple that can’t stop
like kissing and giggling and if you
walk by she’d be like you
I hope fire ants are biting them that
that couple as the afternoon lazily
drifts by I noticed there’s one
delicious melt-in-your-mouth cookie left
I noticed it too so I say hey babe can I
have that oh yeah okay I say in my nice
newlywed voice to my horror he actually
eats that cookie
of course I eat the cookie she tells me
that I can’t eat the cookie I play it
cool at first but in my mind I’m like
shouldn’t he know I really wanted that
cookie a few weeks later Chelsea and I
both want toast for breakfast but there
is one slice left I say to him half
joking but 100% serious you should give
me that slice of bread since you ate the
and I’m like you know what cookie you
should have known I wanted that cookie
and Q the early morning arguments who
would have thought a cookie could have
started such a fight has this ever
happened in your relationship or maybe
even a friendship or a business
partnership where they say one thing but
really means something else like we
should have known what they wanted even
though they told us something completely
different what Ryan and I have found
through all of our research interviews
and 11 years of being together the
success in any relationship is not
dependent upon how long you’ve been
together it’s how well you communicate
together today Chelsea and I would like
to share with you three words that we
have that avoid that help us avoid that
cookie fight altogether it’s three
simple words that have led to less
fights and more sexy names the three
simple words yes means yes yes means yes
many of us have heard the saying say
what you mean and mean what you say but
very few of us truly do this especially
in our relationships yes means yes is
our agreement that stops the stressing
the guessing those little fights it’s
all about having our yeses actually mean
yes our companies surveyed over 1,200
married people and found that seven out
of 10 people are saying one thing but
mean another when talking to their
significant other 70% of us seventy
percent of us are saying one thing other
than how we really feel why why are we
even doing this think about it it
started with our ancestors we had to get
along in order to survive when we agreed
with a group we had food family
protections stability and when we didn’t
agree with the group and that need to
fit in it’s still within us we will say
yes to things even when we don’t have
the time we are people pleasers and
confrontation avoiders by nature
I do not like conflict
you do not I said Ryan could have that
cookie because I was hoping to avoid if
a potential conflict I thought it’d be
better for our relationship but the
argument eventually happened anyways and
I was guilty of this too I’m a people
pleaser so I thought it was my job to
make her happy even if it meant I didn’t
like it but what we now know in our
relationship you being secretly unhappy
will never make the two of you actually
happy fights arguments a lot of these
used to be a consistent part of our
relationship after a pretty long
business trip away I walked through the
front door I’m excited to see Chelsea
and and instead of her greeting me she’s
on the couch texting and before we hug
and kiss I’m like hey babe can I finish
this text and in my mind I’m like are
you freaking kidding me
I haven’t seen you in two weeks and you
want to choose a friend and a phone over
your husband over me and in my mind I’m
like my friend really needs me right
this second but of course we cannot hear
each other’s inner dialogue so instead I
smile and I go yeah okay and she goes
back to texting cuz I tell her okay and
I go back to unpack my suitcase all
while I am fuming inside this build-up
is happening in my head I am going over
all the negative frustrating irritating
things Chelsea does so when she comes
back into the back room I can tell her
all the things that frustrated me about
her so I come in that room and I start
to say sorry and cue the nighttime blow
up and I say some pretty intense things
I’m not gonna lie I even say like
immature embarrassing things like if you
love your phone so much why don’t you
marry it like oh like real mature real
mature Ryan yeah I say everything I want
and calm down and after I calm down you
tell me that your friend that you’re
texting had a miscarriage that day and
really needed you needed you way more
than I need to you in that moment and it
was unfortunate
the timing of when I walked through the
front door yeah but if you felt like a
real d-bag after you found out why I had
to keep texting I did feel like a d-bag
but I shouldn’t have said yes to you
finishing that text I should have said
hey babe I really missed you
can that text wait that would have
allowed space for you to be able to tell
me what was going on and if we would
have had the yes means yes agreement
back then it would have avoided that
whole situation altogether how we
respond in these moments in these
situations can often lead to what we
call the build-up blow up it’s what it
sounds like it’s where you bring things
up that have built up over time until
you blow up at each other and build ups
that lead to blow ups can be avoided
simply by saying what you actually mean
don’t let something like
miscommunication ruin what the two of
you have created together ask yourself
this how many things do you have built
up that you are waiting to use as ammo
during your next blow-up Chelsea and I
didn’t get married to spend time at war
with each other we got married because
we’re happier together because we have
fun doing anything because we get to
make babies together so how did we first
come up with this agreement of yes means
yes well our relationship gets to a
really low hard spot and the passive
aggressiveness is overshadowing our
happiness I’m finding myself sighing and
I rolling more than I’m kissing and
smiling at him and money is pretty tight
for us at that time and so Chelsea and I
decided to take any extra money that we
have and we’re gonna set it aside for a
trip so instead of buying things like on
Valentine’s or birthdays or Christmas
we’ll take a trip together so we agree
no gifts no gifts well Chelsey’s
birthday rolls around first and I don’t
get her anything and you would have
thought I was a Baltimore she was so mad
you were so mad at me I was in so much
mad I was disappointed I was
disappointed that you didn’t
no I still wanted a card on my birthday
in my mind a card is not a gift but in
his mind they went hand in hand what I
now know in any relationship we cannot
be disappointed in the other person when
we ourselves are not communicating what
we want what we need what we desire
that’s like going out to eat
ordering the salmon and then getting mad
at the waiter for not bringing you a
burger because the burger is what you
really wanted and somehow the waiter
should have known that the birthday
Fiasco is the fight that starts yes
means yes I remember after you got mad
disappointed I I was like I was like oh
my gosh we need to verbally tell each
other what we mean we need to say no and
we mean oh yes when me yes it’s
destroying our relationship it is
driving me insane
Einstein’s definition of insanity is
doing the same thing and expecting
different results in our relationship
insanity looked like saying one thing
and meaning another it was nuts
if your relationship sounds anything
like ours or if you’re tired of fighting
with a friend or a loved one on a
regular basis agree to and implement yes
means yes have a stronger have a half
you have a more passionate relationship
starting now the first thing you both
have to agree to is to stop saying one
thing and meaning another start there
agree to that in the beginning Chelsea
and I we have to constantly remind each
other of our yes means yes agreement
even today if we’re unsure of each
other’s answers our conversations will
sound something like this hey babe do
you need help with those dishes no I got
it you can watch TV yes means yes okay
yeah actually I could use some help with
these 20 dishes
you got thank you what Ryan did they’re
two important things first he reminded
me of our agreement by saying out loud
yes means yes and second he was patient
which allowed me the opportunity to
pause
think about my answer and then change it
if necessary
another example do you need help with
that diaper no I got it yes okay
actually I could really use your help on
this specific one that recently happened
is hey baby can my parents come over for
dinner tonight
yeah yes means yes yes they can but
could they maybe leave by like nine
o’clock this time yes absolutely we have
found that most couples or really anyone
in any relationship are unhappy because
we are not communicating what we really
want or what we really need or what we
really feel yes means yes takes effort
and for chelsea and i it’s worth that
effort we don’t want to spend our time
fighting we want to spend our time
having fun we don’t simply want to be
together we want to be happy together
we know other couples want this too our
company our marriage our life would not
be what it is today if we had to
constantly remind each other and figure
out what the other person really meant
after they said it so when I want that
last cookie I say it verbally
we are not mind reader’s and I always
get Chelsea a birthday card on her
birthday he does as we’ve been hearing
today we all have a very limited amount
of days on this planet remember you
being secretly unhappy will never make
the two of you actually happy so let’s
take our remaining days that we have
with our loved ones and instead of the
useless fights or the unnecessary stress
let’s start being happier in our
relationship let’s all start with using
you [Applause]
longer than a month
knows it doesn’t take long to find
something to fight about one of our
biggest fights did one of us cheat on
the other no did one of us forget our
anniversary nope
did one of us drink a little too much
and then order everything on Amazon yes
but now the big fight him eating the
last chocolate chip cookie yeah I wish I
were kidding we’re having this romantic
picnic we’re on the water underneath
this shade tree we’ve got all the best
snacks lined up and we’re being that
annoyingly cute couple that can’t stop
like kissing and giggling and if you
walk by she’d be like you
I hope fire ants are biting them that
that couple as the afternoon lazily
drifts by I noticed there’s one
delicious melt-in-your-mouth cookie left
I noticed it too so I say hey babe can I
have that oh yeah okay I say in my nice
newlywed voice to my horror he actually
eats that cookie
of course I eat the cookie she tells me
that I can’t eat the cookie I play it
cool at first but in my mind I’m like
shouldn’t he know I really wanted that
cookie a few weeks later Chelsea and I
both want toast for breakfast but there
is one slice left I say to him half
joking but 100% serious you should give
me that slice of bread since you ate the
and I’m like you know what cookie you
should have known I wanted that cookie
and Q the early morning arguments who
would have thought a cookie could have
started such a fight has this ever
happened in your relationship or maybe
even a friendship or a business
partnership where they say one thing but
really means something else like we
should have known what they wanted even
though they told us something completely
different what Ryan and I have found
through all of our research interviews
and 11 years of being together the
success in any relationship is not
dependent upon how long you’ve been
together it’s how well you communicate
together today Chelsea and I would like
to share with you three words that we
have that avoid that help us avoid that
cookie fight altogether it’s three
simple words that have led to less
fights and more sexy names the three
simple words yes means yes yes means yes
many of us have heard the saying say
what you mean and mean what you say but
very few of us truly do this especially
in our relationships yes means yes is
our agreement that stops the stressing
the guessing those little fights it’s
all about having our yeses actually mean
yes our companies surveyed over 1,200
married people and found that seven out
of 10 people are saying one thing but
mean another when talking to their
significant other 70% of us seventy
percent of us are saying one thing other
than how we really feel why why are we
even doing this think about it it
started with our ancestors we had to get
along in order to survive when we agreed
with a group we had food family
protections stability and when we didn’t
agree with the group and that need to
fit in it’s still within us we will say
yes to things even when we don’t have
the time we are people pleasers and
confrontation avoiders by nature
I do not like conflict
you do not I said Ryan could have that
cookie because I was hoping to avoid if
a potential conflict I thought it’d be
better for our relationship but the
argument eventually happened anyways and
I was guilty of this too I’m a people
pleaser so I thought it was my job to
make her happy even if it meant I didn’t
like it but what we now know in our
relationship you being secretly unhappy
will never make the two of you actually
happy fights arguments a lot of these
used to be a consistent part of our
relationship after a pretty long
business trip away I walked through the
front door I’m excited to see Chelsea
and and instead of her greeting me she’s
on the couch texting and before we hug
and kiss I’m like hey babe can I finish
this text and in my mind I’m like are
you freaking kidding me
I haven’t seen you in two weeks and you
want to choose a friend and a phone over
your husband over me and in my mind I’m
like my friend really needs me right
this second but of course we cannot hear
each other’s inner dialogue so instead I
smile and I go yeah okay and she goes
back to texting cuz I tell her okay and
I go back to unpack my suitcase all
while I am fuming inside this build-up
is happening in my head I am going over
all the negative frustrating irritating
things Chelsea does so when she comes
back into the back room I can tell her
all the things that frustrated me about
her so I come in that room and I start
to say sorry and cue the nighttime blow
up and I say some pretty intense things
I’m not gonna lie I even say like
immature embarrassing things like if you
love your phone so much why don’t you
marry it like oh like real mature real
mature Ryan yeah I say everything I want
and calm down and after I calm down you
tell me that your friend that you’re
texting had a miscarriage that day and
really needed you needed you way more
than I need to you in that moment and it
was unfortunate
the timing of when I walked through the
front door yeah but if you felt like a
real d-bag after you found out why I had
to keep texting I did feel like a d-bag
but I shouldn’t have said yes to you
finishing that text I should have said
hey babe I really missed you
can that text wait that would have
allowed space for you to be able to tell
me what was going on and if we would
have had the yes means yes agreement
back then it would have avoided that
whole situation altogether how we
respond in these moments in these
situations can often lead to what we
call the build-up blow up it’s what it
sounds like it’s where you bring things
up that have built up over time until
you blow up at each other and build ups
that lead to blow ups can be avoided
simply by saying what you actually mean
don’t let something like
miscommunication ruin what the two of
you have created together ask yourself
this how many things do you have built
up that you are waiting to use as ammo
during your next blow-up Chelsea and I
didn’t get married to spend time at war
with each other we got married because
we’re happier together because we have
fun doing anything because we get to
make babies together so how did we first
come up with this agreement of yes means
yes well our relationship gets to a
really low hard spot and the passive
aggressiveness is overshadowing our
happiness I’m finding myself sighing and
I rolling more than I’m kissing and
smiling at him and money is pretty tight
for us at that time and so Chelsea and I
decided to take any extra money that we
have and we’re gonna set it aside for a
trip so instead of buying things like on
Valentine’s or birthdays or Christmas
we’ll take a trip together so we agree
no gifts no gifts well Chelsey’s
birthday rolls around first and I don’t
get her anything and you would have
thought I was a Baltimore she was so mad
you were so mad at me I was in so much
mad I was disappointed I was
disappointed that you didn’t
no I still wanted a card on my birthday
in my mind a card is not a gift but in
his mind they went hand in hand what I
now know in any relationship we cannot
be disappointed in the other person when
we ourselves are not communicating what
we want what we need what we desire
that’s like going out to eat
ordering the salmon and then getting mad
at the waiter for not bringing you a
burger because the burger is what you
really wanted and somehow the waiter
should have known that the birthday
Fiasco is the fight that starts yes
means yes I remember after you got mad
disappointed I I was like I was like oh
my gosh we need to verbally tell each
other what we mean we need to say no and
we mean oh yes when me yes it’s
destroying our relationship it is
driving me insane
Einstein’s definition of insanity is
doing the same thing and expecting
different results in our relationship
insanity looked like saying one thing
and meaning another it was nuts
if your relationship sounds anything
like ours or if you’re tired of fighting
with a friend or a loved one on a
regular basis agree to and implement yes
means yes have a stronger have a half
you have a more passionate relationship
starting now the first thing you both
have to agree to is to stop saying one
thing and meaning another start there
agree to that in the beginning Chelsea
and I we have to constantly remind each
other of our yes means yes agreement
even today if we’re unsure of each
other’s answers our conversations will
sound something like this hey babe do
you need help with those dishes no I got
it you can watch TV yes means yes okay
yeah actually I could use some help with
these 20 dishes
you got thank you what Ryan did they’re
two important things first he reminded
me of our agreement by saying out loud
yes means yes and second he was patient
which allowed me the opportunity to
pause
think about my answer and then change it
if necessary
another example do you need help with
that diaper no I got it yes okay
actually I could really use your help on
this specific one that recently happened
is hey baby can my parents come over for
dinner tonight
yeah yes means yes yes they can but
could they maybe leave by like nine
o’clock this time yes absolutely we have
found that most couples or really anyone
in any relationship are unhappy because
we are not communicating what we really
want or what we really need or what we
really feel yes means yes takes effort
and for chelsea and i it’s worth that
effort we don’t want to spend our time
fighting we want to spend our time
having fun we don’t simply want to be
together we want to be happy together
we know other couples want this too our
company our marriage our life would not
be what it is today if we had to
constantly remind each other and figure
out what the other person really meant
after they said it so when I want that
last cookie I say it verbally
we are not mind reader’s and I always
get Chelsea a birthday card on her
birthday he does as we’ve been hearing
today we all have a very limited amount
of days on this planet remember you
being secretly unhappy will never make
the two of you actually happy so let’s
take our remaining days that we have
with our loved ones and instead of the
useless fights or the unnecessary stress
let’s start being happier in our
relationship let’s all start with using
you [Applause]
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