[Music]
in the back garden all of us plates cups
bowls saucers the lot why you may ask
well I want to explain why I’m a writer
so I’ve turned the Y into a story that’s
what writers do were annoying like that
why I planted my wedding Duff in the
back garden has so many narrative
elements romance conflicts maybe even a
moral at the end but I’m not here to
preach a sermon or teach prescriptive
life lessons I want to explain the why
to myself more than you writers were
selfish creatures so sit back be loose
and look at some waves up there and I’ll
begin like all good stories this starts
as a tale of romance the big point –
well a marriage starting out shiny and
new – kids pretending to be grownups so
in love with each other we had thus
goofy reflection in each other’s eyes
you both see the best possible version
of yourselves it’s possible to see my
fiance Simon and I went to the fanciest
shops and spent ages choosing the
perfect wedding Delft we decided plane
was best because pattern might get too
tired we settled safely on a beautiful
set of porcelain white and then probably
went home to have amazing sex but it
wasn’t just that this was love Simon and
I believed in magic the deep kind to
souls who are just so delighted to be in
each other’s company
they feel like better people the world
is more colorful you’re an invincible
superhero destined for happy-ever-after
because you’ve never felt so happy
nothing can touch magic people like us
nothing except it could our perfect
Delft
so full of possibilities began gathering
dust in a fine-looking dresser another
wedding present it gathered dust for ten
whole years maybe all Delft starts out
this way a bit like all marriages so
many hopes so much promise
then babies come along priorities change
and you don’t even remember your own
name you’re not exactly planning come
down with me Suarez the Delft didn’t get
used because of little people at first
and then it just never got used at all
four years into our marriage during the
chaos of two small boys and another on
the way
my husband Simon was diagnosed with
motor neuron disease he was given three
crystal glasses got dustier family
gatherings didn’t require fancy plates
we didn’t gather that often and anyway
Simon couldn’t actually eat the Delft
began to annoy me
if weighed heavy on my soul the dresser
and I began avoiding eye contact
sometimes I fantasized about smarting it
all against the back wall
I was angry when the anger lessened with
the years I knew I still had to do
something with that Delft because my
soul was agitated wedding Delft required
a soulful move so one day I decided to
plant all the wedding stuff in the back
garden was my dresser becoming unhinged
well no I leapt from the couch well nice
quite spontaneously and began planting
in a gentle frenzy running back and
forth from dresser to garden sticking
plates in the ground with the lightest
touch I worked head down at first and
then stood back to survey my handiwork I
gasped aware that I had created
something quite beautiful like some sort
of art installation caulis contemplates
plates like large moons glinting in the
half-light crystal goblets delicately
upturned in the earth like flowers
I had thought about doing this I had
written about doing us on this day I
didn’t want to write about things
anymore things needed doing I took my
sensible son out the next day to take a
look he looked at my eager face and
nodded sagely knowing feeling somewhere
quite deeply that something about this
might be considered wrong so he showed
my mother-in-law while I was out
naturally she was quite upset
your mother shouldn’t have done that she
whispered shaking her head my son told
me she had said this we have never
actually talked about the night of the
gardens elf because it would have turned
into drama wedding Delft was not planted
for drama I want to explain to my
mother-in-law that there was no badness
in what I did
quite the opposite no Delft was harmed
in the making of my back garden one
glass got a tiny bit cracked the next
day but that was this no broken pottery
at all I didn’t do it to hurt anyone or
look for attention it wasn’t a cry for
help
the act of planting was all the help I
needed afterwards I felt remarkably calm
and free my own mother arrived the next
day and took it all away in big plastic
crates she she put it onto the bed in
her house muttering thus I might want it
back one day no I won’t apply it quite
firmly knowing that I really wouldn’t
things are just things my granny used to
say but we attach such importance to
them the wedding Delft was hurting me
and once it was planted in the back
garden once the dresser was empty I was
unburdened from all those wedding wishes
since then Simon my husband has has died
he was set free from a body thus didn’t
work anymore we miss him I still live in
the same house with my five children the
wedding zelfs
never came back it’s still under my
mother’s bed and I’m happy to leave it
there I did buy a new dresser though two
years before Simon died and ever since
I’ve become a bit of a mermaid one of
those all year round sea swimmers we
dive into the cold I see every day it’s
salty it’s freezing it helps me cope
because it makes me feel alive I wrote a
book about sea swimming and people seem
to like it for me the writing comes from
the same place as the garden
installation it’s never contrived I
landed the Delft just for myself not to
hurt anyone just for me in the same way
I write for myself not for anyone else
I’m pretty selfish that way I’m talking
to myself the entire time it’s as raw as
I can be and you get nothing less than
my entire soul a few months before Simon
died I started collecting sea pottery at
the cove where I swim ladies Cove in
Graystone’s County Wicklow may look like
a gray stony beach from afar but look a
little closer you see color sea glass
shines on the shore blues greens pinks
and then you have the sea pottery
fragments of Delft often with patterns
on them that have been thrown around in
the sea for a very long time
I’m going to find pottery I say to my
son when we visit the cove he knots
knowing it’s true thirty seconds later
the first piece flashes hello from the
shore a blue ripple of a piece a
patterned tiny vignette rounded by the
waves most beautiful beside us a long
exquisite shard of white sea glass and
two paces later a delicate green leaf on
white tiny cracks branch like tributary
veins I laugh out loud magic is real I
tell my son the sensible guy and he nods
because he knows it’s real and that it’s
right here I stroll on drizzly beaches
and I find treasure my feast follow
their own path over scattered gems and
pebbles I follow them like the yellow
see pottery is my new obsession and has
possibly turned me into a bit of a
weirdo I see signs in the intricate
pottery patterns solve deep mysteries
among the cracks and grooves each piece
to me is nothing less than pure magic I
get this strange strength from see
pottery these tiny fragments used to be
dinner or side plates soup bowls or tea
cups they could have been somebody’s
wedding delft not just the boring plain
kind the sea has shaped them into
something else and the patterns never
grow tired often they take my breath
away my husband died and love was lost
but I still have that staunch stubborn
belief in magic like it’s worth pursuing
worth trying worth every goddamn risk of
human existence it’s worth it to me and
my sea pottery collection proves us and
my writing maybe who knows for sure
life is so uncertain but that’s the real
magic the sea is a mighty beautiful
stunning shadowy nebulous shapeshifter
you can never fully trust the sea our
only certainty wave after wave thrown
around and the surf broken things are at
its mercy edges blur original patterns
fade always some new detail to reveal
indelicate relief the more time I spend
in the sea I know it’s reshaping me as
well throw me around then turn me into a
battered chunk of blue willow will not
be nice
I planted my wedding delft in the back
garden to feel free now I spend my time
collecting random fragments thrown up by
the sea this is the part where I start
comparing myself to a piece of sea
pottery moral of the story but I’m not
preaching pottery maybe but when I hold
fragments in my hand standing by the sea
I tell myself let yourself break it
hurts way more trying to hold on to
perfect wedding delft life throws you
around and it hurts
let life reshape you let go this is what
I tell myself I’m not telling you what
to do maybe you’d rather have perfect
wedding delft
steer clear of silly writers and their
pottery metaphors me I’d rather be a
fragment in the sea broken cracked
battered by the waves wild worn down but
not destroyed continually molded into
something else into what I don’t know
it’s a bit right looking but it’s some
sort of beautiful that’s my story thanks
for listening and it’s not a perfect
story and I hope not I don’t look for
perfect anymore I’m too busy looking
closely scavenging for small fragments
you [Applause]
in the back garden all of us plates cups
bowls saucers the lot why you may ask
well I want to explain why I’m a writer
so I’ve turned the Y into a story that’s
what writers do were annoying like that
why I planted my wedding Duff in the
back garden has so many narrative
elements romance conflicts maybe even a
moral at the end but I’m not here to
preach a sermon or teach prescriptive
life lessons I want to explain the why
to myself more than you writers were
selfish creatures so sit back be loose
and look at some waves up there and I’ll
begin like all good stories this starts
as a tale of romance the big point –
well a marriage starting out shiny and
new – kids pretending to be grownups so
in love with each other we had thus
goofy reflection in each other’s eyes
you both see the best possible version
of yourselves it’s possible to see my
fiance Simon and I went to the fanciest
shops and spent ages choosing the
perfect wedding Delft we decided plane
was best because pattern might get too
tired we settled safely on a beautiful
set of porcelain white and then probably
went home to have amazing sex but it
wasn’t just that this was love Simon and
I believed in magic the deep kind to
souls who are just so delighted to be in
each other’s company
they feel like better people the world
is more colorful you’re an invincible
superhero destined for happy-ever-after
because you’ve never felt so happy
nothing can touch magic people like us
nothing except it could our perfect
Delft
so full of possibilities began gathering
dust in a fine-looking dresser another
wedding present it gathered dust for ten
whole years maybe all Delft starts out
this way a bit like all marriages so
many hopes so much promise
then babies come along priorities change
and you don’t even remember your own
name you’re not exactly planning come
down with me Suarez the Delft didn’t get
used because of little people at first
and then it just never got used at all
four years into our marriage during the
chaos of two small boys and another on
the way
my husband Simon was diagnosed with
motor neuron disease he was given three
crystal glasses got dustier family
gatherings didn’t require fancy plates
we didn’t gather that often and anyway
Simon couldn’t actually eat the Delft
began to annoy me
if weighed heavy on my soul the dresser
and I began avoiding eye contact
sometimes I fantasized about smarting it
all against the back wall
I was angry when the anger lessened with
the years I knew I still had to do
something with that Delft because my
soul was agitated wedding Delft required
a soulful move so one day I decided to
plant all the wedding stuff in the back
garden was my dresser becoming unhinged
well no I leapt from the couch well nice
quite spontaneously and began planting
in a gentle frenzy running back and
forth from dresser to garden sticking
plates in the ground with the lightest
touch I worked head down at first and
then stood back to survey my handiwork I
gasped aware that I had created
something quite beautiful like some sort
of art installation caulis contemplates
plates like large moons glinting in the
half-light crystal goblets delicately
upturned in the earth like flowers
I had thought about doing this I had
written about doing us on this day I
didn’t want to write about things
anymore things needed doing I took my
sensible son out the next day to take a
look he looked at my eager face and
nodded sagely knowing feeling somewhere
quite deeply that something about this
might be considered wrong so he showed
my mother-in-law while I was out
naturally she was quite upset
your mother shouldn’t have done that she
whispered shaking her head my son told
me she had said this we have never
actually talked about the night of the
gardens elf because it would have turned
into drama wedding Delft was not planted
for drama I want to explain to my
mother-in-law that there was no badness
in what I did
quite the opposite no Delft was harmed
in the making of my back garden one
glass got a tiny bit cracked the next
day but that was this no broken pottery
at all I didn’t do it to hurt anyone or
look for attention it wasn’t a cry for
help
the act of planting was all the help I
needed afterwards I felt remarkably calm
and free my own mother arrived the next
day and took it all away in big plastic
crates she she put it onto the bed in
her house muttering thus I might want it
back one day no I won’t apply it quite
firmly knowing that I really wouldn’t
things are just things my granny used to
say but we attach such importance to
them the wedding Delft was hurting me
and once it was planted in the back
garden once the dresser was empty I was
unburdened from all those wedding wishes
since then Simon my husband has has died
he was set free from a body thus didn’t
work anymore we miss him I still live in
the same house with my five children the
wedding zelfs
never came back it’s still under my
mother’s bed and I’m happy to leave it
there I did buy a new dresser though two
years before Simon died and ever since
I’ve become a bit of a mermaid one of
those all year round sea swimmers we
dive into the cold I see every day it’s
salty it’s freezing it helps me cope
because it makes me feel alive I wrote a
book about sea swimming and people seem
to like it for me the writing comes from
the same place as the garden
installation it’s never contrived I
landed the Delft just for myself not to
hurt anyone just for me in the same way
I write for myself not for anyone else
I’m pretty selfish that way I’m talking
to myself the entire time it’s as raw as
I can be and you get nothing less than
my entire soul a few months before Simon
died I started collecting sea pottery at
the cove where I swim ladies Cove in
Graystone’s County Wicklow may look like
a gray stony beach from afar but look a
little closer you see color sea glass
shines on the shore blues greens pinks
and then you have the sea pottery
fragments of Delft often with patterns
on them that have been thrown around in
the sea for a very long time
I’m going to find pottery I say to my
son when we visit the cove he knots
knowing it’s true thirty seconds later
the first piece flashes hello from the
shore a blue ripple of a piece a
patterned tiny vignette rounded by the
waves most beautiful beside us a long
exquisite shard of white sea glass and
two paces later a delicate green leaf on
white tiny cracks branch like tributary
veins I laugh out loud magic is real I
tell my son the sensible guy and he nods
because he knows it’s real and that it’s
right here I stroll on drizzly beaches
and I find treasure my feast follow
their own path over scattered gems and
pebbles I follow them like the yellow
see pottery is my new obsession and has
possibly turned me into a bit of a
weirdo I see signs in the intricate
pottery patterns solve deep mysteries
among the cracks and grooves each piece
to me is nothing less than pure magic I
get this strange strength from see
pottery these tiny fragments used to be
dinner or side plates soup bowls or tea
cups they could have been somebody’s
wedding delft not just the boring plain
kind the sea has shaped them into
something else and the patterns never
grow tired often they take my breath
away my husband died and love was lost
but I still have that staunch stubborn
belief in magic like it’s worth pursuing
worth trying worth every goddamn risk of
human existence it’s worth it to me and
my sea pottery collection proves us and
my writing maybe who knows for sure
life is so uncertain but that’s the real
magic the sea is a mighty beautiful
stunning shadowy nebulous shapeshifter
you can never fully trust the sea our
only certainty wave after wave thrown
around and the surf broken things are at
its mercy edges blur original patterns
fade always some new detail to reveal
indelicate relief the more time I spend
in the sea I know it’s reshaping me as
well throw me around then turn me into a
battered chunk of blue willow will not
be nice
I planted my wedding delft in the back
garden to feel free now I spend my time
collecting random fragments thrown up by
the sea this is the part where I start
comparing myself to a piece of sea
pottery moral of the story but I’m not
preaching pottery maybe but when I hold
fragments in my hand standing by the sea
I tell myself let yourself break it
hurts way more trying to hold on to
perfect wedding delft life throws you
around and it hurts
let life reshape you let go this is what
I tell myself I’m not telling you what
to do maybe you’d rather have perfect
wedding delft
steer clear of silly writers and their
pottery metaphors me I’d rather be a
fragment in the sea broken cracked
battered by the waves wild worn down but
not destroyed continually molded into
something else into what I don’t know
it’s a bit right looking but it’s some
sort of beautiful that’s my story thanks
for listening and it’s not a perfect
story and I hope not I don’t look for
perfect anymore I’m too busy looking
closely scavenging for small fragments
you [Applause]
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