in the late 60s early 70s there was a
movement that took place primarily in
California called the Jesus Movement
where ex-hippies grew up a little bit
had some kids and decided to channel all
of that anti-establishment angst into
religion my father was one such X hippie
and together with my grandfather he
started a small cult called the assembly
yeah this is a super light-hearted story
so I find myself at 5 years old
I’m standing on a street corner in my
favorite conservative dress
the pink one with the white pinstripes
and I have my favorite white purse slung
over my shoulder because I love purses
almost more than I love Christ himself
and my dad is yelling the gospel at
people as they walk by because he
believes that’s a surefire way to win
people to Christ I’m terrified because
I’m a quiet kid and I’m shy and I avoid
confrontation at all costs and even in
my brief five years of living I have
learned that yelling the gospel can be
interpreted by some as confrontational
but I’ve been taught that I could be the
only thing standing between a soul and
the burning fiery furnace of Hell so
there I am it’s at that moment that I
see her she’s an older woman and she’s
got this gray flyaway hair and she’s not
wearing any nail polish and I don’t
understand how anybody outside of the
group I’m in would go one day without
nail polish because I love nail polish
almost as much as I love Christ himself
but it’s totally forbidden she locks
eyes with me and she walks up to me and
she gets down on one knee and she says
one day you will grow up and you will
realize you can leave all of this all of
us have had to grow up and leave
something probably not a cult it might
have been an unhealthy relationship or a
drug habit maybe you just have a really
strong sweet tooth
leaving is incredibly difficult but it
is also completely life-changing a fun
fact that all cults share is that they
reject the label cult even now sixteen
years since I left my parents will give
me a list of reasons why the assembly
was not a cult so fine it wasn’t a cult
it was an evangelical fundamentalist
nondenominational religious fringe group
whose charismatic leader could do
whatever he wanted but it wasn’t a cult
sure we had some strange religious
beliefs you might even call them extreme
and we did live in communal homes
together maybe we didn’t exactly
integrate into society with silly things
like demanding careers but it wasn’t a
cult because we had mainstream religious
beliefs like God is all present God is
all-knowing and women can’t pierce their
ears we wanted to return to the simple
life of the early Christians not sure we
knew exactly how early we were talking
we didn’t want to be literally thrown to
the Lions but also to women really need
equality
so I guess post Augustine but pre
feminist
early Christians my grandparents George
and Betty were in charge George was a
fantastic public speaker a charismatic
leader and an abusive narcissistic
pathological liar my father was an elder
and my mother was his wife but it wasn’t
a cult because women could go to the
beach just like anybody as long as we
were fully clothed
because nothing derailed the will of an
the Assembly targeted college aged kids
vulnerable because they’re on their own
for the first time and they’re looking
for a community a place where they can
connect with other people every summer
my dad would pack up my mom my sister
and I and we would drive to another
state to build the assembly throughout
the u.s. these trips are some of my
favorite childhood memories we
at good times together and we thought we
were doing the work of the Lord but as I
grew up I started to realize the work of
the Lord has a lot of rules if you’re
wondering what this life looks like here
is a list of things that were forbidden
dating television science ambitious
females those things are so dangerous
clapping loudly after a performance god
only gets the glory with the soft clap
also forbidden psychiatry dancing
but don’t worry there was still so much
in the assembly that we could enjoy like
kale creepy men
climate change denial pyramid schemes
were big thing weird diets also
enjoyable anxiety sorrow depression
untreated okay because psychiatry is for
unbelievers Colts don’t want to be
defined as a cult because it empowers
its members to take a critical look at
it language and cults is controlled
because language is powerful this
happens in the real world too
despite what 98% of our world’s
scientists say let’s not call it climate
change when I was five years old my mom
was trying to recruit this hairdresser
into our group so she sent me for a
haircut I told her that my secret hero
was Mary Lou Retton the Olympic gymnast
and she tried to cut my hair like hers
basically I came out of there looking
like Javier Bardem in No Country for Old
Men maybe a little less murdery I was
ecstatic
my parents were appalled short hair was
God’s plan for men only as five years
old I had already foiled the Almighty
God and his somewhat specific and kind
of fragile plan for my hair the Assembly
had a school for all the kids to go to
through eighth grade my mom was the
principal for about two seconds until
the elders realized they had mistakenly
put a woman in charge women were never
encouraged to be in the workplace but if
they had to be they should not be in
charge of men that wasn’t biblical but
remember it wasn’t a cult it was a
wonderful place to be a young woman we
didn’t have the burden of forming our
own opinions the men got to do that
heavy lifting it’s so luxurious to be
told what to think a special
by wonderfully power-hungry men like
elder Earl sure he didn’t see the wisdom
and a good stick of deodorant but when I
was 15 and I had the gall to our
lipstick to a church meeting he had the
wisdom to tell me I had distracted him
the entire two-hour meeting because my
lips were on my face Revlon’s light lip
blush number 666 had kept this poor
servant of God from hearing God’s voice
that was my bad I needed to apologize
because the Assembly did target colleges
I was allowed to go to college and this
was the biggest break of my life I had
to start a Bible study on campus at UC
Irvine and I had to live in a training
home in Fullerton training homes were
the Assemblies communal living homes
where groups of people would live with
an elder his wife and kids basically it
was a super fun way of making sure that
we had no free time Colts are
all-consuming they don’t allow their
members to invest in a life outside of
the group but College became a refuge
for me it was the first time in my life
I could spend hours of my day without
seeing anybody from the assembly and at
the same time I was getting an education
this world that I had been taught was
dark was actually amazing get this women
in the arts women in science there was a
place for me there if I wanted it I
started to see how small my worldview
really was
I could have left the assembly by then I
was over 18 but in a cult when you leave
you’re shunned and I wasn’t ready to
lose my family and my friends women
children and people of color were
second-class citizens in the assembly to
put it mildly there was emotional and
psychological abuse but there was also
physical abuse when I was a young girl I
saw my uncle abusing my cousin’s and I
told my dad what I had seen he told me
he would take care of it and the
assembly did by covering it up
shortly after I graduated from college I
found out that my uncle’s abuse had just
continued the entire time my
grandparents had systematically covered
it up and my own parents and the
leadership in the assembly had
maintained a code of silence trusting
the Lord when nothing of substance had
changed Colts view professional help
from anybody outside of their group as a
threat to their way of life women were
never to leave their husbands and we did
not believe divorce was biblical so my
aunt and cousins had no safe place to go
in the assembly it was time for me to
leave I could not be in a group that
sacrificed women and children so that a
few men could stay in charge
staunch loyalty to any group is wrong if
it means supporting an abusive
narcissistic pathological liar thank you
because that abuse and that pathology it
doesn’t stay up with the leader it
trickles down in the group and good
people end up doing really bad things
my sister and I left the assembly
together we confronted our grandparents
with what we had found out and George
kicked us out of the house I have never
seen my grandparents since the day I
left the assembly and my relationship
with my parents is complicated it takes
a lot of work to unlearn behaviors after
you leave something like that there was
a lot of questioning the paradigm had
been raised to believe and it was hard
but I can tell you that even the hardest
day of freedom was better than the best
day in a cult
so what does a young woman do once she’s
left the cult she was raised in besides
a lot of therapy I went crazy you guys
crazy
I watched every rated-r movie but it
ever been produced since the dawn of
time ok I I don’t regret a minute of it
I cut my hair short painted my nails
Satan red pierced my ears more
importantly I admit it
I want to have a career I’m gonna be one
of those scary independent women I
believe that I’m a FEMINIST because
women are humans I started writing
comedy because comedy for me is the
absolute best way to take ownership of
my past laughing is powerful a few years
after I had left the assembly the
romance of short hair and nail polish
had kind of worn off I was walking down
the street in LA
when I saw her a young girl in a
conservative dress she was standing on
the street corner next to a man who was
yelling the gospel at people as they
walked by I walked up to her and I
kneeled down in front of her and I
looked her in the eye and I said one day
you will grow up and you will realize
you can leave all of this thank you
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