it first appeared in Flash’s obscure
pieces of scrambled porn watched in the
dead of night at my grandmother’s house
inexplicable tingling sensations
whenever I would see that one boy in the
hallway at school pages and pages of
erotic fiction on a flickering computer
screen scrolling past my
fourteen-year-old eyes the Snickers and
sneers when it became evident that I had
a crush and it always was obvious
cloaked in my inability to disguise my
emotions you’re not allowed to like him
they jeered and my face flushed red with
humiliation I thought about sex
I wrote about it read about it knew the
ins and outs so to speak
about it and somewhere along the way I
began to believe that I would never have
it sex wasn’t for people like me even if
I wanted to no one would ever want to
have sex with me an autistic woman would
they in 1975 the World Health
Organization defined sexuality as quote
an integral part of the personality of
every one man woman and child
it is a basic need and an aspect of
being human that cannot be separated
from other aspects of human life
sexuality is not synonymous with sexual
intercourse and it influences thoughts
feelings actions and interactions and
thereby our mental and physical health
end quote but somewhere along the way a
stigma built up around the sexuality and
sexual expression of autistic people the
world decided that this definition
didn’t apply to us and society overall
doesn’t like the thought of autistic
people getting laid shagging screwing
copulating doing the horizontal mambo
the euphemisms are many but the
opportunities are sadly few somehow it
became easier to think of autistic
people as sexless uninterested and
repulsed by the idea of sex which in and
of itself is a departure from the
narrative that that grows up around
other disabled populations which are
often viewed as being overly sexual but
to act as though having sexual desires
and thoughts is something that doesn’t
happen
it’s to deny autistic people a huge part
of the human experience
it is for this reason and so many others
that we need to dramatically shift the
dialogue around autism and sexuality
from stop to go any parent of a teenager
will tell you that one of their greatest
fears is having that birds in the bees
talk with their child one idea that
persists despite its overwhelming
erroneous Ness that if a teenager has
the slightest sexual knowledge they will
then go out and have sex individual is
on the autism spectrum who are given
thorough information about sex are no
more likely than anyone else to go out
and fall headfirst into an orgy but
where neurotypical people can more
easily learn the social ropes and the
dynamics of navigating romantic and
sexual relationships autistic people
struggle to read these vital cues and
are much more likely to end up in
vulnerable situations and to be
victimized both physically and
emotionally this is why it is so
important for individuals on the
spectrum to have access to accurate
straightforward information about sex
the idea that there is a right way to
have sex or to be sexual is another
misconception that won’t quietly die the
experience of sex mentally emotionally
and physically is different for every
person
and while the sensory issues that many
autistic individuals face may alter how
they have sex it doesn’t mean that they
don’t have it at all the first time that
I had sex I was 22 years old I had
plenty of information or so I thought
from my years of erotic fan fiction
writing and college pseudo threesomes
yes that’s the thing asked me how but as
I lay there in a tiny Seattle apartment
on that blue velvet Tommy Hilfiger
comforter two classes of the wine I’d
picked out left forgotten on the coffee
table the white button-down shirt I’d
asked him to wear lying in a crumpled
heap on the floor because I’d always
dreamed him on buttoning a guy’s shirt
before we were about to make love and
wearing a University of Washington
Huskies cheerleader uniform in a girl
size 14 after previously being naked I
realized how deeply unprepared I
really was it hurt me five feet tall and
him six foot five his wall of endless
torso looking me in the face somehow a
fitting metaphor for not being able to
see the true face of the person that I
had fallen in love with after it was
over he scurried to the bathroom to wash
up one of the many red flags that I
failed to register and I throw open my
bedroom window and shouted into the
frigid February night I am no longer a
virgin do you hear that Seattle I
thought that he would hold me as we fell
asleep
the quiet affirming soreness still
throbbing between my legs but he turned
away I watched his back rise and fall
too anxious to close my eyes lest he
suddenly change his mind he didn’t
before that night I decided that I had
to know if I’d done a good job he was
more experienced despite being two years
younger and I feared that my lack of
time in the field would adversely affect
my performance so in some inspired fit
of autism fueled wisdom I reckon that if
hotels and restaurants can have comment
cards for you to fill out
why couldn’t I a sexual intercourse
comment card made an all complete
seriousness and with tongue firmly
implanted in cheek and the questions on
the back of course what did you think
could have been better what did you
enjoy most about this session what
didn’t happen that you would like to
have happen again please rate the
following from one to five the outfit I
had on my facial expressions during
intercourse my vocal volume is there
anything I can do in the future to get
you aroused more quickly
valid and useful information all of it
but hmm there’s a problem with these
questions one then I didn’t see that I
couldn’t see until I later learn that
there’s a fundamental difference between
having sex and someone having sex with
you every single one of these questions
is about him his enjoyment his
satisfaction there is not a word not a
syllable about my enjoyment about
whether or not I’d liked all the things
that he did my pleasure in this instance
wasn’t simply secondary it just did not
exist so I didn’t have that knowledge of
sex my parents and I never had that
birds-and-the-bees talk which I almost
feel cheated out of now in a bizarre way
and what I have found as I’ve waded into
the murky and sometimes
alligator-infested waters of sexuality
instruction and disability is that there
are many barriers to establishing that
conversation and to teaching dating
skills to autistic people as a candidate
for my master’s degree in ABA applied
behavior analysis
I built my thesis around teaching adult
men diagnosed with autism how to ask
someone out on a date the behavior
analysis research literature that I had
to draw from contain innumerable studies
about teaching social skills talk to
sick individuals but nothing related to
dating skills not one study and the
plethora of participants that I was sure
I would have were also non-existent with
it taking me two years to find just two
participants turns out nobody really
likes to have their dating skills
critiqued who would have thought there’s
still such a taboo around this topic
that it is difficult if not impossible
to get funding for these types of
studies
never mind that dating is not one skill
it’s many many skills almost all of
which are complex and confusing and hard
as hell to understand for someone who
isn’t on the autism spectrum let alone
with someone who is further complicating
the issue the equation is the damn if
you do it then if you don’t do it factor
well the sexist double standard chaser
oh no he wants to have sex oh that can’t
happen that’s not acceptable
he doesn’t want to have sex what’s wrong
with him something must be wrong but if
you flip it and reverse it she doesn’t
want to have sex oh that’s okay that’s
perfectly fine there is also a
presumption of heterosexuality among
autistic individuals which presents
additional difficulties for people on
the spectrum who identify as LGBT or
asexual having a cultural and/or
religious stigma against their
orientation or gender identity often
precludes these individuals from being
able to express themselves in a safe and
healthy way clearly it is incredibly
harmful and dehumanizing to exclude
autistic individuals who have desires
and who want to have sex from sexual
experiences we know that but now the
question becomes what can we do about it
how do we make it okay for someone like
me to say I’m autistic and I have sex
without pearls being clutched and
furniture stores having a run on
feigning couches to shift the paradigm
to reshape our perception of autism and
sexuality we need more research if
behavior analysts can do preference
assessments for skittles versus M&Ms
they can do them for hugging versus
kissing touching on the arm versus
touching on the face and so on and we
need to have not only more studies on
sexuality with autistic participants but
we need studies on sexuality with
autistic researchers include us in the
process see us not as children needing
to be taught but as who we are
intelligent capable adults who want to
engage in this discussion as equals
among you and from this research there
may come new supports that can help
autistic individuals embrace their
sexuality from the physical such as
learning how to masturbate appropriately
to the emotional learning how to
establish intimacy with someone which
should happen fire fire prior to
anything else because after all sex
begins long before sex begins as the
saying goes we must create supports that
neither overly eroticized
nor infantilized hand puppets for a 30
year old autistic people’s sexuality and
that meet them exactly where they are
and at the level that best fits their
specific needs
perhaps most obvious and yet least
considered
is finally acknowledging autistic
individuals as sexual beings recognizing
that we have the capacity for sex for
pleasure foreplay change your ideas
about autism and you can change the
world and when this all comes to pass
when we as autistic people realize that
we alone control access to our bodies
and ultimately our sexual destinies and
when we have the information needed to
make informed choices then we will be
complete
empowered confidence is an unstoppable
force a chin up chest out kind of
feeling that becomes all the more
meaningful when you live the bulk of
your life without it through education
and empowerment individuals with autism
can be free to go forward and have
hopefully really really great sex
you
pieces of scrambled porn watched in the
dead of night at my grandmother’s house
inexplicable tingling sensations
whenever I would see that one boy in the
hallway at school pages and pages of
erotic fiction on a flickering computer
screen scrolling past my
fourteen-year-old eyes the Snickers and
sneers when it became evident that I had
a crush and it always was obvious
cloaked in my inability to disguise my
emotions you’re not allowed to like him
they jeered and my face flushed red with
humiliation I thought about sex
I wrote about it read about it knew the
ins and outs so to speak
about it and somewhere along the way I
began to believe that I would never have
it sex wasn’t for people like me even if
I wanted to no one would ever want to
have sex with me an autistic woman would
they in 1975 the World Health
Organization defined sexuality as quote
an integral part of the personality of
every one man woman and child
it is a basic need and an aspect of
being human that cannot be separated
from other aspects of human life
sexuality is not synonymous with sexual
intercourse and it influences thoughts
feelings actions and interactions and
thereby our mental and physical health
end quote but somewhere along the way a
stigma built up around the sexuality and
sexual expression of autistic people the
world decided that this definition
didn’t apply to us and society overall
doesn’t like the thought of autistic
people getting laid shagging screwing
copulating doing the horizontal mambo
the euphemisms are many but the
opportunities are sadly few somehow it
became easier to think of autistic
people as sexless uninterested and
repulsed by the idea of sex which in and
of itself is a departure from the
narrative that that grows up around
other disabled populations which are
often viewed as being overly sexual but
to act as though having sexual desires
and thoughts is something that doesn’t
happen
it’s to deny autistic people a huge part
of the human experience
it is for this reason and so many others
that we need to dramatically shift the
dialogue around autism and sexuality
from stop to go any parent of a teenager
will tell you that one of their greatest
fears is having that birds in the bees
talk with their child one idea that
persists despite its overwhelming
erroneous Ness that if a teenager has
the slightest sexual knowledge they will
then go out and have sex individual is
on the autism spectrum who are given
thorough information about sex are no
more likely than anyone else to go out
and fall headfirst into an orgy but
where neurotypical people can more
easily learn the social ropes and the
dynamics of navigating romantic and
sexual relationships autistic people
struggle to read these vital cues and
are much more likely to end up in
vulnerable situations and to be
victimized both physically and
emotionally this is why it is so
important for individuals on the
spectrum to have access to accurate
straightforward information about sex
the idea that there is a right way to
have sex or to be sexual is another
misconception that won’t quietly die the
experience of sex mentally emotionally
and physically is different for every
person
and while the sensory issues that many
autistic individuals face may alter how
they have sex it doesn’t mean that they
don’t have it at all the first time that
I had sex I was 22 years old I had
plenty of information or so I thought
from my years of erotic fan fiction
writing and college pseudo threesomes
yes that’s the thing asked me how but as
I lay there in a tiny Seattle apartment
on that blue velvet Tommy Hilfiger
comforter two classes of the wine I’d
picked out left forgotten on the coffee
table the white button-down shirt I’d
asked him to wear lying in a crumpled
heap on the floor because I’d always
dreamed him on buttoning a guy’s shirt
before we were about to make love and
wearing a University of Washington
Huskies cheerleader uniform in a girl
size 14 after previously being naked I
realized how deeply unprepared I
really was it hurt me five feet tall and
him six foot five his wall of endless
torso looking me in the face somehow a
fitting metaphor for not being able to
see the true face of the person that I
had fallen in love with after it was
over he scurried to the bathroom to wash
up one of the many red flags that I
failed to register and I throw open my
bedroom window and shouted into the
frigid February night I am no longer a
virgin do you hear that Seattle I
thought that he would hold me as we fell
asleep
the quiet affirming soreness still
throbbing between my legs but he turned
away I watched his back rise and fall
too anxious to close my eyes lest he
suddenly change his mind he didn’t
before that night I decided that I had
to know if I’d done a good job he was
more experienced despite being two years
younger and I feared that my lack of
time in the field would adversely affect
my performance so in some inspired fit
of autism fueled wisdom I reckon that if
hotels and restaurants can have comment
cards for you to fill out
why couldn’t I a sexual intercourse
comment card made an all complete
seriousness and with tongue firmly
implanted in cheek and the questions on
the back of course what did you think
could have been better what did you
enjoy most about this session what
didn’t happen that you would like to
have happen again please rate the
following from one to five the outfit I
had on my facial expressions during
intercourse my vocal volume is there
anything I can do in the future to get
you aroused more quickly
valid and useful information all of it
but hmm there’s a problem with these
questions one then I didn’t see that I
couldn’t see until I later learn that
there’s a fundamental difference between
having sex and someone having sex with
you every single one of these questions
is about him his enjoyment his
satisfaction there is not a word not a
syllable about my enjoyment about
whether or not I’d liked all the things
that he did my pleasure in this instance
wasn’t simply secondary it just did not
exist so I didn’t have that knowledge of
sex my parents and I never had that
birds-and-the-bees talk which I almost
feel cheated out of now in a bizarre way
and what I have found as I’ve waded into
the murky and sometimes
alligator-infested waters of sexuality
instruction and disability is that there
are many barriers to establishing that
conversation and to teaching dating
skills to autistic people as a candidate
for my master’s degree in ABA applied
behavior analysis
I built my thesis around teaching adult
men diagnosed with autism how to ask
someone out on a date the behavior
analysis research literature that I had
to draw from contain innumerable studies
about teaching social skills talk to
sick individuals but nothing related to
dating skills not one study and the
plethora of participants that I was sure
I would have were also non-existent with
it taking me two years to find just two
participants turns out nobody really
likes to have their dating skills
critiqued who would have thought there’s
still such a taboo around this topic
that it is difficult if not impossible
to get funding for these types of
studies
never mind that dating is not one skill
it’s many many skills almost all of
which are complex and confusing and hard
as hell to understand for someone who
isn’t on the autism spectrum let alone
with someone who is further complicating
the issue the equation is the damn if
you do it then if you don’t do it factor
well the sexist double standard chaser
oh no he wants to have sex oh that can’t
happen that’s not acceptable
he doesn’t want to have sex what’s wrong
with him something must be wrong but if
you flip it and reverse it she doesn’t
want to have sex oh that’s okay that’s
perfectly fine there is also a
presumption of heterosexuality among
autistic individuals which presents
additional difficulties for people on
the spectrum who identify as LGBT or
asexual having a cultural and/or
religious stigma against their
orientation or gender identity often
precludes these individuals from being
able to express themselves in a safe and
healthy way clearly it is incredibly
harmful and dehumanizing to exclude
autistic individuals who have desires
and who want to have sex from sexual
experiences we know that but now the
question becomes what can we do about it
how do we make it okay for someone like
me to say I’m autistic and I have sex
without pearls being clutched and
furniture stores having a run on
feigning couches to shift the paradigm
to reshape our perception of autism and
sexuality we need more research if
behavior analysts can do preference
assessments for skittles versus M&Ms
they can do them for hugging versus
kissing touching on the arm versus
touching on the face and so on and we
need to have not only more studies on
sexuality with autistic participants but
we need studies on sexuality with
autistic researchers include us in the
process see us not as children needing
to be taught but as who we are
intelligent capable adults who want to
engage in this discussion as equals
among you and from this research there
may come new supports that can help
autistic individuals embrace their
sexuality from the physical such as
learning how to masturbate appropriately
to the emotional learning how to
establish intimacy with someone which
should happen fire fire prior to
anything else because after all sex
begins long before sex begins as the
saying goes we must create supports that
neither overly eroticized
nor infantilized hand puppets for a 30
year old autistic people’s sexuality and
that meet them exactly where they are
and at the level that best fits their
specific needs
perhaps most obvious and yet least
considered
is finally acknowledging autistic
individuals as sexual beings recognizing
that we have the capacity for sex for
pleasure foreplay change your ideas
about autism and you can change the
world and when this all comes to pass
when we as autistic people realize that
we alone control access to our bodies
and ultimately our sexual destinies and
when we have the information needed to
make informed choices then we will be
complete
empowered confidence is an unstoppable
force a chin up chest out kind of
feeling that becomes all the more
meaningful when you live the bulk of
your life without it through education
and empowerment individuals with autism
can be free to go forward and have
hopefully really really great sex
you
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