[Music]
I want to talk to you about the first
time I have of this question and first
time I consciously registered the
question so we were a little coffee shop
in Mumbai about eight or nine years ago
it’s a nice group of people we were
sitting and having coffee having a good
time laughing joking it was and then
this really beautiful lady walks by we
all just stop drinking coffee and we’re
looking at her admiring Lee and one of
my friends that girl she tells me it’s
got a mini degree so she’s making a
direct commentary about her attire so
one of the guys in was with us in the
group so he told me love and you forget
about men but sometimes why do women
over pull each other down or why do they
make these comments well where is it
coming from so my immediate response to
that was hashtag not all women but I
also it’s not a nagging me the question
you know is it true that women fully
shut it down sometimes and the example
that was again given to me with that toy
the mother-in-law torturing the
daughter-in-law all these situations of
conflicts that arise between women suma
so I responded to that friend of mine at
that point saying that you know what
it’s not true the war is a masculinist
project right so all the wars in history
has started by men and no other thing
that men are men’s were still means why
are we now saying we’re in our own hands
worst enemies
but the fact remains that the question
stayed with me and it nagged me enough
because the times when we tell is
somebody too much makeup or you know
what you lost someone we need to look
better you have such a pretty face like
that we are sometimes harsh on each
other then recognize the reason why
where is it coming from where is the
trip what is the reason if you recognize
the reason I understand the reason why
they treat each other with more
compassionate more empathy less judgment
less Kootenay so will be each other’s
friends right so the way to do that is
to confront a lot of daily life
situations so considering the fact that
women are have to share the history of
struggle when I mean share is should
struggle I mean a society has certain
expectations from us for our to perform
a femininity in such a way here we get a
good woman if you come back home one
time you dressed like this oh you speak
like this you speak nicely sweetly to
your elders we don’t talk back or you
cook you clean you keep house so we have
all these expectations okay and
depending depending on our social
location our caste class location
struggle changes but we have this
commonality right the streets are unsafe
for us so we we either know someone
who’s personally experienced abuse or
harassment or it has happened to us then
this is it
a shared history of Stroman where is
this question coming from the women are
each other’s our worst enemies something
oh yeah sorry
so another situation that I want to
bring out a friend of mine is a very
senior executive in a company she’s in
her late 30s she’s single and she’s
doing very well at her work so she tells
me you know what it’s so much easier for
me to work with men this is no drama but
with women I have to listen to something
like this so the women in her
organisation have told her things like
you know you can sit as late as you want
you don’t have a life you’re minded to
your job you know kids but I have to go
home I have to do all these things now
for a minute let’s only look at the
facts somebody has childcare
responsibilities somebody doesn’t right
where is the need to perhaps be hurtful
coming from right happy perhaps
internalized one set of responsibilities
as a legitimate responsibilities while
looking at another set of
responsibilities is not legitimate okay
you’re pursuing your career but why
don’t you have a family
why don’t you start a family how are we
doing that perhaps legitimizing one set
of lifestyle choices and
responsibilities as the one right so now
coming to the elephant in the room the
mother-in-law of us is the
daughter-in-law our situation why is
there the conflict so I want to address
that in Indian context in there the
nation of some love some preference is
prevalent and I’m not the one saying it
something my baby might be thinking not
all the time but I’m looking at the
statistics so this is the statistics of
what’s really kids so as you can see the
female girl child
have dropped right and in the year 1870
the British colonial government passed
the infanticide regulation at 1870
Celeste 1870 answers to be the salon
regulation to protect the girls child
right but still our sex ratios are
dropping so I’m you noticing that yes
this is a nation of son love
so from their mother-in-laws perspective
what happens is that she gets delegated
power from the birth of her son once the
Sun is gone is she or the tribulation
and she gets dedicated to power that is
the word so she does not enjoy the same
kind of power if she is the mother of
her daughter I’m gonna keep a layer ever
heard that right and she does not enjoy
the same kind of power she’s china-led
it because this culture places a premium
on fertility so she could stare away the
power from first man now let’s look at
the document or situation or the
daughter-in-law every girl is told that
the final resting place for a living
woman is within our marriage right so
you have to get married that’s why we’re
telling everybody go and get hydrated
think there’s a sense of security that
so all the other every woman outside
marriage does not enjoy the same status
and standing as a married woman who do I
mean
single women we don’t know women do most
women separated women abandon any woman
outside institutions of marriage does
not enjoy the same kind of standing as a
married woman so one man right one man
is born and he gives relative power to
his mother and it gets matted with
boiling sir but if his social status is
standing to his wife so there’s bound to
be conflict in such a situation now you
did the exact same women right the
mother long a daughter or you take the
exact same women and put them in a bar
right or in the coffee shop if that’s
more preferable
take them outside the house or take them
put them outside look at them outside
the house / outside the family outside
shining care duties outside L look
activities outside the bus and masala
and spices and how things have to be
kept who’s to tell you what to the mail
outside all these responsibilities I
don’t see why they won’t get along and
that’s the kind of relationship we have
with our girlfriends right we have all
have a close knit lines group of girls
with whom we go out right and we share
everything with our version so that’s
the kind of relationship we have we
didn’t have a relationship but one two
backs a million ties and
responsibilities in the family so gender
roles woman’s do what and how must you
behave as a woman these are things that
are taught to us right from a very very
young age now what is this system what
is this system that gives the man so
much power right so this is still is
patriarchy and feminism is an ideology
it’s not until men its activate reacting
fellows them as an ideology recognizes
that men who are victims of patriarchy
how we’ve heard cannon and your house
husband without being stigmatized
patriarchy tells men that you have to be
taller than your wives that you have to
earn more than your wives right so that
you have to be more qualified than your
wives right you have to protect and
provide that’s what patriarchy tells men
but what does they travel tell women
patriarchy tells women that you have to
be fun to be a good woman you have to
get married it’s it’s that it’s the
patriarchal script we are all performing
to a patriarchal script so women are
looking at other women through the
patriarchal lens we are seeing are you
performing to the patriarchy
stripped how closely i performing to the
patriarchal script i have been a good
woman i have been being a good mother i
have been modest and chaste are you are
coming back home on time so all these
questions that we ask each other some
women aren’t looking at each other
through the patriarchal ends and that’s
the only story we know because with
thousands and thousands and thousands of
years patriarchy is told us the story
and we bought it right so beauty is a
patriarchal construct right what does
HIV tell us about beauty patriarchy
tells us that you have to be fair that
you have to be thin right that’s why if
they are good would told us that you
have to be fat and that you have to be
born but they’ll be way to gain linux
and hair loss clinics right so so we are
all performing as closely as possible to
the patriarchal script and as long as we
continue to do that and if we don’t go
founder this trip will be stigmatized
because you will be sort of looked at
and the deviant somebody who’s not
conforming the rebel and we know how
that goes right so be that that’s why we
want everybody to get married so as I
said feminism is anti patriarchy and
feminism recognizes both men and women
are and victimized by the system women
for in different different different
ways in this trouble is very very very
real
even today think about unsafe street
things think about violence mean about
all the things that’s happening so the
only way out of this women being pitted
against women through a system of
patriarchy is for us to look at each
other outside the patriarchal lens it’s
very do it’s a very very difficult
project so we have to look at women and
their own persons with their own
aspirations with their own hopes and
their own dreams it’s got nothing to do
the script that’s given to us to perform
now I want to end on just one small note
constantly we speak about the the
stay-at-home mother versus the working
mother all right this is another kind of
conflict where women are pitted against
each other so the working mother was
known to have told the stay-at-home
mother the children overqualified
housewife why did you waste a cottage
seat and the stage one father lashes
back saying that how can you leave a
child behind for such long hours and go
and work how can you do that so now we
must understand that both of them two
are performing too it reoccurs tripped
and staying at home right it’s also walk
patriarchy defines work as something
that you take to a marketplace to
exchange but stay but but the fact that
somebody’s staying at home and doing all
these things for us cooking cleaning
keeping a house in this certain order
you know making life comfortable for us
that’s also work right and it’s an
economic function it’s an economic
function because if you don’t if
somebody is not doing that for you then
you have to go to the marketplace and
sausage and pay for it so if you don’t
recognize that is an economic function
unite Bettina and understand economics
not we understand gratitude so the only
way for us to forge and build female
solidarity is to look at each other as
our own persons and not performers in
this brand script and I really hope so
women are not each other’s worst enemies
we are part of a system that pits us
against each other so I hope we can
forge and female solidarity thank you
[Applause]
I want to talk to you about the first
time I have of this question and first
time I consciously registered the
question so we were a little coffee shop
in Mumbai about eight or nine years ago
it’s a nice group of people we were
sitting and having coffee having a good
time laughing joking it was and then
this really beautiful lady walks by we
all just stop drinking coffee and we’re
looking at her admiring Lee and one of
my friends that girl she tells me it’s
got a mini degree so she’s making a
direct commentary about her attire so
one of the guys in was with us in the
group so he told me love and you forget
about men but sometimes why do women
over pull each other down or why do they
make these comments well where is it
coming from so my immediate response to
that was hashtag not all women but I
also it’s not a nagging me the question
you know is it true that women fully
shut it down sometimes and the example
that was again given to me with that toy
the mother-in-law torturing the
daughter-in-law all these situations of
conflicts that arise between women suma
so I responded to that friend of mine at
that point saying that you know what
it’s not true the war is a masculinist
project right so all the wars in history
has started by men and no other thing
that men are men’s were still means why
are we now saying we’re in our own hands
worst enemies
but the fact remains that the question
stayed with me and it nagged me enough
because the times when we tell is
somebody too much makeup or you know
what you lost someone we need to look
better you have such a pretty face like
that we are sometimes harsh on each
other then recognize the reason why
where is it coming from where is the
trip what is the reason if you recognize
the reason I understand the reason why
they treat each other with more
compassionate more empathy less judgment
less Kootenay so will be each other’s
friends right so the way to do that is
to confront a lot of daily life
situations so considering the fact that
women are have to share the history of
struggle when I mean share is should
struggle I mean a society has certain
expectations from us for our to perform
a femininity in such a way here we get a
good woman if you come back home one
time you dressed like this oh you speak
like this you speak nicely sweetly to
your elders we don’t talk back or you
cook you clean you keep house so we have
all these expectations okay and
depending depending on our social
location our caste class location
struggle changes but we have this
commonality right the streets are unsafe
for us so we we either know someone
who’s personally experienced abuse or
harassment or it has happened to us then
this is it
a shared history of Stroman where is
this question coming from the women are
each other’s our worst enemies something
oh yeah sorry
so another situation that I want to
bring out a friend of mine is a very
senior executive in a company she’s in
her late 30s she’s single and she’s
doing very well at her work so she tells
me you know what it’s so much easier for
me to work with men this is no drama but
with women I have to listen to something
like this so the women in her
organisation have told her things like
you know you can sit as late as you want
you don’t have a life you’re minded to
your job you know kids but I have to go
home I have to do all these things now
for a minute let’s only look at the
facts somebody has childcare
responsibilities somebody doesn’t right
where is the need to perhaps be hurtful
coming from right happy perhaps
internalized one set of responsibilities
as a legitimate responsibilities while
looking at another set of
responsibilities is not legitimate okay
you’re pursuing your career but why
don’t you have a family
why don’t you start a family how are we
doing that perhaps legitimizing one set
of lifestyle choices and
responsibilities as the one right so now
coming to the elephant in the room the
mother-in-law of us is the
daughter-in-law our situation why is
there the conflict so I want to address
that in Indian context in there the
nation of some love some preference is
prevalent and I’m not the one saying it
something my baby might be thinking not
all the time but I’m looking at the
statistics so this is the statistics of
what’s really kids so as you can see the
female girl child
have dropped right and in the year 1870
the British colonial government passed
the infanticide regulation at 1870
Celeste 1870 answers to be the salon
regulation to protect the girls child
right but still our sex ratios are
dropping so I’m you noticing that yes
this is a nation of son love
so from their mother-in-laws perspective
what happens is that she gets delegated
power from the birth of her son once the
Sun is gone is she or the tribulation
and she gets dedicated to power that is
the word so she does not enjoy the same
kind of power if she is the mother of
her daughter I’m gonna keep a layer ever
heard that right and she does not enjoy
the same kind of power she’s china-led
it because this culture places a premium
on fertility so she could stare away the
power from first man now let’s look at
the document or situation or the
daughter-in-law every girl is told that
the final resting place for a living
woman is within our marriage right so
you have to get married that’s why we’re
telling everybody go and get hydrated
think there’s a sense of security that
so all the other every woman outside
marriage does not enjoy the same status
and standing as a married woman who do I
mean
single women we don’t know women do most
women separated women abandon any woman
outside institutions of marriage does
not enjoy the same kind of standing as a
married woman so one man right one man
is born and he gives relative power to
his mother and it gets matted with
boiling sir but if his social status is
standing to his wife so there’s bound to
be conflict in such a situation now you
did the exact same women right the
mother long a daughter or you take the
exact same women and put them in a bar
right or in the coffee shop if that’s
more preferable
take them outside the house or take them
put them outside look at them outside
the house / outside the family outside
shining care duties outside L look
activities outside the bus and masala
and spices and how things have to be
kept who’s to tell you what to the mail
outside all these responsibilities I
don’t see why they won’t get along and
that’s the kind of relationship we have
with our girlfriends right we have all
have a close knit lines group of girls
with whom we go out right and we share
everything with our version so that’s
the kind of relationship we have we
didn’t have a relationship but one two
backs a million ties and
responsibilities in the family so gender
roles woman’s do what and how must you
behave as a woman these are things that
are taught to us right from a very very
young age now what is this system what
is this system that gives the man so
much power right so this is still is
patriarchy and feminism is an ideology
it’s not until men its activate reacting
fellows them as an ideology recognizes
that men who are victims of patriarchy
how we’ve heard cannon and your house
husband without being stigmatized
patriarchy tells men that you have to be
taller than your wives that you have to
earn more than your wives right so that
you have to be more qualified than your
wives right you have to protect and
provide that’s what patriarchy tells men
but what does they travel tell women
patriarchy tells women that you have to
be fun to be a good woman you have to
get married it’s it’s that it’s the
patriarchal script we are all performing
to a patriarchal script so women are
looking at other women through the
patriarchal lens we are seeing are you
performing to the patriarchy
stripped how closely i performing to the
patriarchal script i have been a good
woman i have been being a good mother i
have been modest and chaste are you are
coming back home on time so all these
questions that we ask each other some
women aren’t looking at each other
through the patriarchal ends and that’s
the only story we know because with
thousands and thousands and thousands of
years patriarchy is told us the story
and we bought it right so beauty is a
patriarchal construct right what does
HIV tell us about beauty patriarchy
tells us that you have to be fair that
you have to be thin right that’s why if
they are good would told us that you
have to be fat and that you have to be
born but they’ll be way to gain linux
and hair loss clinics right so so we are
all performing as closely as possible to
the patriarchal script and as long as we
continue to do that and if we don’t go
founder this trip will be stigmatized
because you will be sort of looked at
and the deviant somebody who’s not
conforming the rebel and we know how
that goes right so be that that’s why we
want everybody to get married so as I
said feminism is anti patriarchy and
feminism recognizes both men and women
are and victimized by the system women
for in different different different
ways in this trouble is very very very
real
even today think about unsafe street
things think about violence mean about
all the things that’s happening so the
only way out of this women being pitted
against women through a system of
patriarchy is for us to look at each
other outside the patriarchal lens it’s
very do it’s a very very difficult
project so we have to look at women and
their own persons with their own
aspirations with their own hopes and
their own dreams it’s got nothing to do
the script that’s given to us to perform
now I want to end on just one small note
constantly we speak about the the
stay-at-home mother versus the working
mother all right this is another kind of
conflict where women are pitted against
each other so the working mother was
known to have told the stay-at-home
mother the children overqualified
housewife why did you waste a cottage
seat and the stage one father lashes
back saying that how can you leave a
child behind for such long hours and go
and work how can you do that so now we
must understand that both of them two
are performing too it reoccurs tripped
and staying at home right it’s also walk
patriarchy defines work as something
that you take to a marketplace to
exchange but stay but but the fact that
somebody’s staying at home and doing all
these things for us cooking cleaning
keeping a house in this certain order
you know making life comfortable for us
that’s also work right and it’s an
economic function it’s an economic
function because if you don’t if
somebody is not doing that for you then
you have to go to the marketplace and
sausage and pay for it so if you don’t
recognize that is an economic function
unite Bettina and understand economics
not we understand gratitude so the only
way for us to forge and build female
solidarity is to look at each other as
our own persons and not performers in
this brand script and I really hope so
women are not each other’s worst enemies
we are part of a system that pits us
against each other so I hope we can
forge and female solidarity thank you
[Applause]
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