[Music]
[Applause]
where do you cry when you don’t want
anyone to know especially if you’re that
person that’s expected to hold it all
together
are you that person people fall back on
do you cry in the shower do you cry in
the dark or do you cry in the car you
see the first time I photographed myself
I cried for two hours and I didn’t
the thing is when I looked at that photo
I wasn’t prepared for the reality my
eyes were telling me I was in a
relationship where everyone thought I
was happy and when I say everyone I mean
everyone including me I did a great job
at convincing myself I was happy fake
smiles and all but there it was the
reality and I couldn’t escape it
I tried a couple years later to
photograph myself again and that’s when
I discovered if I let the darkness out
it made room for light and that’s where
the transformation began for me and it
led to my Redemption you see when yo Civ
Karsch photographs Helen Keller he said
her light came from within that’s what
he realized I believe we all have a
light inside of us and when I walked up
to that mirror to that photo where did
my light go where was my smile you see
my fire inside of me it used to rage
inside of me like a fire in the August
Nevada desert but it was coming out of
me my smile was leaving and sometimes
when I laughed I was reminded thinking
back when’s the last time I laughed like
that
the truth is
[Music]
the truth is I was lonely and it is
still so hard to say I was sleeping at
night next to a man I wanted to love I
wanted to baptize myself in him but
instead when I heard that key turning in
the door my heart sunk minutes before I
had my thermostat set to the exact
temperature I loved I was eating a
sleeve of Oreos on the couch dishes were
piling high and I did it all guilt-free
I felt fantastic but you see as soon as
I heard that car pull in the driveway my
home of comfort it turned into a
building that I wanted to escape
[Music]
you see it wasn’t just about me anymore
there were others involved and I would
go up to his bedside and I would look
down at my son and I would think well he
hate me if I go well he grow up and hate
me if I stay my parents have been
married over sixty years and they love
each other they will still dance in the
living room do I need to dance in the
living room to be happy is that what I
need I don’t know ever if I made the
right decision not now anyways I’m not
gonna know until this story has played
out and maybe we’ll be sitting some
somewhere and he’s gonna tell me so all
I can do is I look at my son and I say
to him my son you and I walk on this
plank called life together we step out
to the very edge and we look down and we
realize just how amazing it can be so we
jump right into it and we swim and we
play and we laugh and you better believe
when I see those Turtles coming I am
pushing you straight into them and you
better swim with them like Nemo’s father
and may your journey be totally
righteous you see don’t worry about me
I never want to hold you back at the end
of the day you and I both know where
home resides and when you go I will be
reminded to walk back up to the mirror
back up to that photo and reignite that
fire in me I will be reminded of my own
dreams again and the adventures I need
to go after and you know what just maybe
if I get it right we’ll sit on the top
of Machu Picchu some day and watch the
sunset just do me a favor and bring a
camera because you better believe I’ll
have mine
[Music]
and then the day came
or together was no longer an option
anymore
do you ever wonder why it is whether we
are sick or love or life then when it
gets the hardest that’s when we’re
expected to be our strongest why is that
you know I sit and think to myself the
two most difficult things in life are
love and parenting and they require no
training and yet somehow we beat
ourselves up for the moment we don’t get
it right why is that you know
we come into this situation and the
person to fall back on is ourselves and
so what do we do do we cry in the car
maybe probably after but we dig deep we
find energy where there is no energy we
build strength out of nothing and we
stick up
[Music]
and we rage on we stand up and we rage
on because we have to
[Applause]
it was supposed to get easier no but
but it was a different kind of heart my
life puzzle blew up in front of me and
when I looked down at every piece it was
like ten thousand bricks on me with a
semi with no tires to move them
[Music]
you know I envy the people who said
their heads were barely above water
because I was drowning I used to be
surviving week to week day to day now
I’m surviving hour hour minute to minute
this is a hurricane to my pilot light
[Music]
and all I can do is hold on to the worst
[Music]
you see looking back it was so surreal
sometimes it just seems like a story in
a moment I forget it’s my story was it
more than I thought was it less than
than I thought did I make too much out
of it you see he hid behind the mask I
couldn’t see through because I was
blinded by what I wanted to believe
so beautiful
[Music]
and then one day
and I realized the whole time my eyes
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
so I decided to buy myself a couple
hundred post-its and I had the words
printed on them I forgive myself and
then laid out all across the floor and I
laid down to take the photo I took it I
took it I took it it was terrible
you see I realized I wasn’t connecting
to my own words that I wrote I forgive
myself
and so I got up I walked over to my
computer and I wrote down everything in
my life that I forgave myself for
even the ugly stuff you don’t want to
think about getting into my mother’s
blush even when I was a little girl
everything and I left it out there for
two of my friends to read and you want
to know what happened they still loved
me
because that’s what friends do
they show up and they love you
and I walked back over and I laid down
on those words and I got the shot in
just a couple frames
[Music]
and then I wrote to myself I forgive you
I forgive you for ignoring your gut I
forgive you for missing it I forgive you
for feeling like you were selfish in
just one moment you wanted a slice of
happiness I forgive you for not removing
that toxic or loving that person you
should should have never loved but I you
don’t need to be forgiven for that one
because this little guy he’s the best
gift of your life you see it was my time
to be forgiving maybe it’s yours
[Music]
my wish for you
is that you find your zoom lens you take
that zoom lens and you aim it here and
like my son said to me he goes mommy you
are like the ocean because the deeper
you go the harder it is because it
tightens in your chest cuz the pressure
builds
may you be the ocean
swim deep into that zoom lens and I want
you to sit in the myth of the
imperfections of your soul
and may you find your redemption
thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
where do you cry when you don’t want
anyone to know especially if you’re that
person that’s expected to hold it all
together
are you that person people fall back on
do you cry in the shower do you cry in
the dark or do you cry in the car you
see the first time I photographed myself
I cried for two hours and I didn’t
the thing is when I looked at that photo
I wasn’t prepared for the reality my
eyes were telling me I was in a
relationship where everyone thought I
was happy and when I say everyone I mean
everyone including me I did a great job
at convincing myself I was happy fake
smiles and all but there it was the
reality and I couldn’t escape it
I tried a couple years later to
photograph myself again and that’s when
I discovered if I let the darkness out
it made room for light and that’s where
the transformation began for me and it
led to my Redemption you see when yo Civ
Karsch photographs Helen Keller he said
her light came from within that’s what
he realized I believe we all have a
light inside of us and when I walked up
to that mirror to that photo where did
my light go where was my smile you see
my fire inside of me it used to rage
inside of me like a fire in the August
Nevada desert but it was coming out of
me my smile was leaving and sometimes
when I laughed I was reminded thinking
back when’s the last time I laughed like
that
the truth is
[Music]
the truth is I was lonely and it is
still so hard to say I was sleeping at
night next to a man I wanted to love I
wanted to baptize myself in him but
instead when I heard that key turning in
the door my heart sunk minutes before I
had my thermostat set to the exact
temperature I loved I was eating a
sleeve of Oreos on the couch dishes were
piling high and I did it all guilt-free
I felt fantastic but you see as soon as
I heard that car pull in the driveway my
home of comfort it turned into a
building that I wanted to escape
[Music]
you see it wasn’t just about me anymore
there were others involved and I would
go up to his bedside and I would look
down at my son and I would think well he
hate me if I go well he grow up and hate
me if I stay my parents have been
married over sixty years and they love
each other they will still dance in the
living room do I need to dance in the
living room to be happy is that what I
need I don’t know ever if I made the
right decision not now anyways I’m not
gonna know until this story has played
out and maybe we’ll be sitting some
somewhere and he’s gonna tell me so all
I can do is I look at my son and I say
to him my son you and I walk on this
plank called life together we step out
to the very edge and we look down and we
realize just how amazing it can be so we
jump right into it and we swim and we
play and we laugh and you better believe
when I see those Turtles coming I am
pushing you straight into them and you
better swim with them like Nemo’s father
and may your journey be totally
righteous you see don’t worry about me
I never want to hold you back at the end
of the day you and I both know where
home resides and when you go I will be
reminded to walk back up to the mirror
back up to that photo and reignite that
fire in me I will be reminded of my own
dreams again and the adventures I need
to go after and you know what just maybe
if I get it right we’ll sit on the top
of Machu Picchu some day and watch the
sunset just do me a favor and bring a
camera because you better believe I’ll
have mine
[Music]
and then the day came
or together was no longer an option
anymore
do you ever wonder why it is whether we
are sick or love or life then when it
gets the hardest that’s when we’re
expected to be our strongest why is that
you know I sit and think to myself the
two most difficult things in life are
love and parenting and they require no
training and yet somehow we beat
ourselves up for the moment we don’t get
it right why is that you know
we come into this situation and the
person to fall back on is ourselves and
so what do we do do we cry in the car
maybe probably after but we dig deep we
find energy where there is no energy we
build strength out of nothing and we
stick up
[Music]
and we rage on we stand up and we rage
on because we have to
[Applause]
it was supposed to get easier no but
but it was a different kind of heart my
life puzzle blew up in front of me and
when I looked down at every piece it was
like ten thousand bricks on me with a
semi with no tires to move them
[Music]
you know I envy the people who said
their heads were barely above water
because I was drowning I used to be
surviving week to week day to day now
I’m surviving hour hour minute to minute
this is a hurricane to my pilot light
[Music]
and all I can do is hold on to the worst
[Music]
you see looking back it was so surreal
sometimes it just seems like a story in
a moment I forget it’s my story was it
more than I thought was it less than
than I thought did I make too much out
of it you see he hid behind the mask I
couldn’t see through because I was
blinded by what I wanted to believe
so beautiful
[Music]
and then one day
and I realized the whole time my eyes
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
so I decided to buy myself a couple
hundred post-its and I had the words
printed on them I forgive myself and
then laid out all across the floor and I
laid down to take the photo I took it I
took it I took it it was terrible
you see I realized I wasn’t connecting
to my own words that I wrote I forgive
myself
and so I got up I walked over to my
computer and I wrote down everything in
my life that I forgave myself for
even the ugly stuff you don’t want to
think about getting into my mother’s
blush even when I was a little girl
everything and I left it out there for
two of my friends to read and you want
to know what happened they still loved
me
because that’s what friends do
they show up and they love you
and I walked back over and I laid down
on those words and I got the shot in
just a couple frames
[Music]
and then I wrote to myself I forgive you
I forgive you for ignoring your gut I
forgive you for missing it I forgive you
for feeling like you were selfish in
just one moment you wanted a slice of
happiness I forgive you for not removing
that toxic or loving that person you
should should have never loved but I you
don’t need to be forgiven for that one
because this little guy he’s the best
gift of your life you see it was my time
to be forgiving maybe it’s yours
[Music]
my wish for you
is that you find your zoom lens you take
that zoom lens and you aim it here and
like my son said to me he goes mommy you
are like the ocean because the deeper
you go the harder it is because it
tightens in your chest cuz the pressure
builds
may you be the ocean
swim deep into that zoom lens and I want
you to sit in the myth of the
imperfections of your soul
and may you find your redemption
thank you [Applause]
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