matter I want to change the world I know
those are big ideas but I remember
freshman year at college those
late-night conversations I’d have with
my roommate I’d be lying up there on the
top bunk staring at the ceiling of our
prison cell I mean dorm room he’d be
down on the bottom bunk and we talked
about the big stuff of life right we
talked about religion and spirituality
and politics and who we wanted to become
in the impact we wanted to make on the
world and I didn’t understand it at the
time but looking back it’s clear to me
that those conversations were the first
time in my life when I was saying out
loud that yeah I do want to matter no I
don’t want to be average yeah I want to
change the world how do you change the
world it’s a big question I think I
figured it out
handshakes let me explain humans are
social animals from the moment we are
born all throughout our life we’re
constantly an instinctively seeking
human connection we’re always looking
for someone to love and who will love us
someone we can trust
who will trust us we even gathered
together in groups around things we have
in common or things that are important
to us for whatever reason even into our
old age for constantly an instinctively
seeking human connection we seem to be
driven by this evolutionary destiny to
connect so how you doing on the whole
human connection from what everybody do
me a favor I want you to think about the
last conversation you had your last
little moment of human connection your
last little momentary interaction was
probably with the person sitting right
next to you
and Hughes I don’t want everybody here
to do it everybody raise your hand good
make fist pump your fist that was just
for fun
no okay state keep your fist in the air
stick out your thumb close your eyes
you’re gonna have to trust me in your
neighbor here for a second here’s what I
want you to do I want use your thumb as
a rating scale I want you to rate the
quality of your last interaction using
your thumb here’s how this works if your
thumb is straight up in the air it was
the greatest conversation of your life
you might have kissed on the mouth at
the end good for you alright if you
double straight down toward the ground
one of you might have got injured during
the course of the conversation now
here’s what I want you to do I want you
to honestly rate the quality of that
last interaction and lock it in and open
your eyes good job everybody can put
your hands
down I’m giggling a little bit because
here’s what about 20% of the audience
does okay and lock it in and open your
eyes this seems like a silly little
icebreaker you might do it summer camp I
realize that but for me this matters
right these little momentary
interactions they add up to start with
the quality of your little momentary
interactions determines the quality of
your day if you have a day full of
interactions you rate like this you
violate a day that felt like this right
if you have a day full of interactions
you rate like this brother today that
felt like this if you had a day full of
interactions of any sort but even one of
them you’d rate like this fairly in a
day that felt like this let me go
further the quality of your little
momentary interactions determines the
quality of your organization’s your
businesses your congregations your
political parties your HOAs your PTA
s-see because all those things I just
listed are all imaginary social
constructs they don’t even exist except
when they manifest themselves in the
space between the members of those
groups the people who make up those
groups and other human beings let me go
even further the quality of those little
momentary interactions determines the
quality of your life most of us go
through life having interactions we’d
rate like this it’s no wonder we feel
unfulfilled it’s no wonder we feel like
we don’t matter Margaret Mead once said
never doubt that a small group of
thoughtful committed citizens can change
the world indeed it’s the only thing
that ever has and a lot of us have heard
this quote before right it’s an off to
use maybe even cliche quote at this
point but it’s a good one and we all
agree with the first part especially
right never doubt that a small group of
thoughtful committed citizens can change
the world that’s exciting that sounds
like us that’s inspiring but then at the
end she buries something powerful she
says indeed it’s the only thing that
ever has Margaret Mead teaches us that
the only thing that’s ever changed the
world is when people gather together and
organize
she teaches us that when we gather we
matter and this is why I think
handshakes changed the world
see because handshakes lead to
conversations in conversations when you
do those right lead to relationships
relationships are when we care about
each other to some extent relationships
often result
and collaboration collaboration happens
when I see something out there in the
world that I want to change and and and
I mentioned it to my friend and my
friend says hey I’ll help you with that
and we work on it together and we go out
there we start working on it together to
try and change that thing but after a
while we start to realize that that we
could make a bigger impact a little
faster if we had help right so what do
we do we turn around we shake more hands
we have more conversations build more
relationships and we gather people
together we organize see handshakes lead
to conversations conversations lead to
relationships relationships lead to
collaboration collaboration leads to
organizations in organizations change
the world when we gather we matter I
think you can apply this stuff in a
couple different ways either a you’re an
individual who like me wants to matter
in which case you might be realizing
that maybe the path to mattering the
path to making your impact on the world
is as simple as handshakes conversations
relationships collaboration and
organization or B you’re already a part
of an organization or a business or a
congregation or some group of some sort
and that group wants to make a bigger
impact on the world in which case you
might be thinking wow maybe the key to
our success is as simple as helping our
members the people in our group have
more thumbsup interactions more often
either way it might be helpful if we
explored what it looks like
to be excellent socially here’s how we
define social accidents a state of
perpetual generosity curiosity
positivity and openness to limitless
possibility a desire to intentionally
connect with others the ability to
engage in deep meaningful conversations
not the surface level vs that most of us
spend most of our life in acting in a
responsible and respectable manner with
high expectations of others being
authentic and living every day with
integrity as the best version of you
being confident vulnerable being fun and
compassionate being open kind and bold
the deepest level of societal
participation and contribution I’m
really proud of this definition and I’m
proud of the work that we’ve done at the
social excellence project to teach this
definition and to spread human
connection all over but I’m even prouder
of something else my kids my wife and I
have these two amazing daughters the big
one is Elliot she’s seven the little
ones Josie she’s five this is probably a
more accurate
representation of their personalities
anyway the summer I had a I had a chance
to take Elliot the big one with me on a
work trip I was going to Memphis
Tennessee and I was given a big talk on
social excellence and a couple weeks
before the trip I asked her I said
sweetheart you coming on this trip with
me but I sort of think it might be cool
if you didn’t just come with me maybe
maybe you actually helped me give the
presentation maybe you could come up on
stage wear a microphone and and talk to
600 people would you be interested in
doing something like that yes daddy I
said okay but you’re gonna have to have
something to say you can’t do what I do
could you come up with something I mean
I’m trying to teach him how to be nice
and make friends you know do you think
you could come up with something to
teach these 600 people yes daddy
so a couple hours later I’m I’m working
my computer minding my own business and
and I give this a little tap on my
shoulder I turn around it’s Elliot she
says daddy I’m ready for the
presentation oh okay what do you got for
me she says I wrote a book so ladies and
gentlemen I’m proud to present to you
instead of just diving deeper into that
long definition I read to you earlier
I’m proud to present to you Elliot’s way
of how to make friends a ten step guide
the book that my daughter wrote you guys
a ten step guide to building
relationships and changing the world
step one see someone you would like okay
so I probably don’t need to offer a
whole lot of commentary you know to add
on to my daughter’s brilliance but I
will say this there are far too many
strangers in the world every day see
someone you would like then move on to
step two step two then say hello then
tell them your name and then make them
your friends okay there’s a lot going on
a step two she’s sort of fast forwarded
through the relationship building
process but but maybe there’s a good
reason for that right maybe she’s maybe
she’s trying to remind us to think like
a seven-year-old and when you do see
someone you would like don’t overthink
it just say hello tell them her name
make him your friend soothing so that
you can move on to the good stuff
step three give them love
and hope even little kids understand
that all of us just want all of us just
want to be loves and we all just want to
matter somehow right love and hope might
be the two most generous gifts you have
to offer step 4
include everyone can’t you just feel the
playground drama going on at the top of
the slide in this picture as humans
we’ve evolved to depend on groups and so
deep deep deep down inside one of our
biggest fears is feeling left out
include everyone step 5
help them we’re all struggling with
something at some point aren’t we most
of us a little bit all the time help
them you know whether it’s offering
someone a gift of flowers or assisting
someone with a skinned knee by the way I
thought this picture originally was a
gift of flowers turns out it’s helping
someone with a skinned knee or maybe
it’s offering a listening ear or sharing
a moment of unexpected joy our world
needs these little moments of humanity
now more than ever now my wife and I are
raising these two amazing little girls
in a town called Littleton Colorado
that’s where we live and many of you may
be familiar with the name of that town
is it’s the home of Columbine High
School it’s also not terribly far away
from a certain movie theater in Aurora
Colorado and just down the road from
Deer Creek middle school Arapahoe high
school it’s a safe beautiful happy
little place to raise a family except of
course at all those places I just named
or a recent public shooting arenas this
is where we drop our girls off of school
every morning and this is where we go as
a family to see Disney movies in the
movie theaters and I know our community
is not alone you know my kids and most
people of the most recent generation are
trained on what to do if there’s an
active shooter in their school so when I
think about social excellence when I
think about gathering people together
when I and I think about spreading human
connection I can’t help but think about
that stuff and I’m reminded of how
important these little moments of
humanity are in our
old especially Tibet help them step 6
tell them how you’re feeling
vulnerability is a scary thing
vulnerability is a scary thing but even
kids understand that all the all the
most powerful conversations that we’ve
ever had in our life and all the most
meaningful relationships in our life all
have one thing in common vulnerability
step 7 follow the rules I don’t know
what this was about you guys I really
don’t I mean I asked Elliot asked her to
explain it to me and she said yeah the
rules are to grow crazy hair and I said
okay that makes sense to me I mean maybe
maybe she’s trying to remind us about
the importance of the rules of human
interaction right like handshakes and
eye contact and smiling and positive
body language social decorum and manners
or maybe it was just crazy hair day at
school she forgot okay so step 8
listen yes Elliot understands that we
have two ears and one mouth for a reason
step 9 do your chores at a friend’s
house again you guys I have no idea what
this is about do your chores at a
friend’s house I mean again again maybe
she’s trying to teach us about the role
we have to play in a larger society
you’re right I mean maybe she’s trying
to teach us about about the importance
of caring for our neighbors in real
practical ways you know the deepest
level of societal participation and
contribution or maybe not either way I
hope everybody remembers to do your
chores at a friend’s house step 10 make
them happy what else needs to be said
you know when I got to see my daughter
on that stage giving the presentation on
the book that she wrote it was by far
one of the proudest moments of my life
and it reminded me that even kids
understand that if we dare to shake
hands if we build thumbs up
conversations if we build meaningful
relationships if we collaborate and
organize around the things that matter
to us we might just change the world
thank you you