we are all going to die paradoxically
sex the source of life keeps reminding
us of our mortality when I started my
graduate studies
I wondered which topic would fascinate
me in the upcoming years because I was
very young and at the height of
discovering the joys of life the answer
was easy sex and of course I discussed
sex related issues with people around me
and I was shocked to discover that sex
could be not only a source of joy and
excitement but also a source of pain
embarrassment and even boredom I
remember talking to one of my friends
and she said I just don’t understand the
fuss around sex I asked her do you enjoy
your sex life and she said yeah I do but
for me it’s not a big deal then I
decided to explore the meanings of sex
in people’s life and how these meanings
affect the relationship now let’s try to
find out why sex may pose a problem to
humans and how humans cope with it as we
all know we are equipped with a sexual
system that allows us to reproduce that
is to pass on our genes to the next
generations the sexual system arouses
our sexual urges and motivates us to
look for a partner with whom we can make
without enjoying sex or at least without
being motivated to engage in sex our
species
wouldn’t have survived if so why do so
many people experience mixed emotions
about sexuality sex is a crucially act
that reminds us of our animalistic
nature has anyone here visited the San
Diego Zoo no I’ll tell you what’s really
going on in this Zoo I visited I visited
this place with friends and we watched
the chimpanzees they were mating with
each other all over the place and of
course our presence did not interfere
with their show
one of my friends noted oh I look like
one of these monkeys when I’m having sex
[Music]
don’t you agree and this resemblance
reminds us of our animalistic nature and
that like all animals we are doomed to
perish animalistic sex reminds us of our
mortality just to illustrate the
association of sex with death think
about the expression La Petite Mort
little death which may refer to engaging
we may have sex like animals we die like
animals do
however unlike animals we are aware of
the fragility of life and the certainty
of death and this awareness is
terrifying an unbearable to maintain our
peace of mind we must use defense
mechanisms that help us distinguish
ourselves from animals and remove the
awareness of death from consciousness
one such mechanisms is infusing sex with
the meanings the transformed a crucially
act to something which is larger than
everyday life in one of my studies I
asked people to mention the meanings of
sex in their life and people mentioned
many meanings that make sex much more
than a creaturely Act for example some
people may see sex as a way to express
uniqueness or creativity other people
may see sex as a place where they can
lose inhibitions and escape reality
think about your reasons for engaging in
sex
instinctively you may answer I’m having
sex because I’m horny but when asked
such a question people mention other
reasons for engaging in sex such as
having sex to obtain relief from stress
or having sex to feel good about oneself
when we analyze those meanings we
discover that amongst the most prevalent
meanings are those that reflect the
belief the sex enhances the emotional
bond between partners and promotes the
relationships both men and women
romanticize sex and associated with love
and it works for them associating sex
with love helps remove the awareness of
death from consciousness I’ll illustrate
this point using an old study in this
study participants were asked to think
either about the physical aspects of sex
such as the smell of sweat or the taste
of fluids or about romantic aspects of
sex such as expressing love for their
partner during sexual intercourse
following this procedure participants
were asked to complete words fragments
for example the string Co ffs could be
completed to either coffee or heaven the
findings showed that following thinking
about the physical aspects of sex
participants were more likely to
complete words that were associated with
death then following thinking about the
romantic aspects of cells that tells us
that love protects us from the deadly
out of all the meaning that can hide the
deadly connotations of sex as I
mentioned before why do we choose to
romanticize sex and associated with love
the answer may lie in the long period in
which our kids depend on our protection
at what age can kids survive without our
caring
throughout human history the survival
chances of kids increased tremendously
if both parents raise them together
hence we had to develop mechanisms that
motivated us to stay together with a
sexual partner until our kids could
survive without our caring if we look at
the feature that distinguish our sexual
system from that of other animals will
find in direct evidence that sex serves
such a function sex may help build the
emotional bond between strangers for
example the most prevalent and preferred
sexual position is the missionary
position now think about this position
it allows belly-to-belly skin-to-skin
contact
it’s the ultimate hug that we all crave
we also tend to have sex in private and
fall asleep afterwards these behavioral
tendencies instill a sense of closeness
between strangers in addition the normal
peptide oxytocin which is known to
facilitate facilitate emotional bonding
is secreted during foreplay
sexual intercourse and at the moment
that precedes orgasm and we as humans
experience an extended exposure to
oxytocin because we do not limit our
sexual interactions the
this proceed oblation but have sex and
cross the menstrual cycle but we don’t
have to rely on indirect evidence we can
ask people directly why they have sex
and as I told you people say that the
uses to intensify their relationship and
they also behave in this manner when we
activate the sexual system by exposing
people to sexual images they behave in a
way that allows them to get closer to
strangers in one study we expose
participants to either sexual stimuli or
neutral stimuli participants were seated
in front of a computer screen and we
flashed really quickly those images so
that participants were not aware of
seeing those images following this
exposure participants were introduced an
opposite sex stranger and were asked to
disclose a personal story we discovered
that following the sexual exposure
participants were more likely to reveal
intimate details about themselves than
following the neutral exposure that
tells you the facts make us makes us
chat and this chattiness
allows us to initiate a relationship
with potential partners in another study
we exposed participants to either sexual
stimuli or neutral stimuli as I’ve just
described and then we asked participants
to solve a list of problems in the
presence of an opposite sex participant
who’s actually a Confederate a research
assistant who worked with us when the
Confederate reach the third problem he
turned he or she turned to the
participant and said oh I’m stuck could
you please help me and the Confederate
measures the
the participants pendings helping him or
her using a stopwatch hidden in the
packet we discovered that following the
sexual exposure participants spent more
time in helping the Confederate than
following the neutral exposure that
means that sex makes us not only more
chattel
but also more helpful and the magical
effects of facts works not only in
initial encounters but also in existing
relationships and for both men and women
in another study we asked participants
to sexually fantasize either about their
partners or about other people or to
fantasize about a positive interaction
with their partner which was not sexual
participants were more likely to say
that they would like to do something
nice for their partner following
sexually fantasizing about this partner
than in the other two conditions and
people also behave in this manner we
followed couples for several weeks in
which we asked them to record in a diary
their sexual fantasies and their
interactions with their partner and we
found that following sexually
fantasizing about one’s partner people
were actually more likely to behave
nicely towards their partner for example
people are more likely to give
compliments to the partner and to
express affection for their partner
people were also less likely to
criticize the partner and ignore the
partners needs so if you are too lazy to
have sex you can still reap the benefits
what have we learned here for most
people sex is much more than just sex
and this complexity helps us distinguish
ourselves from animals and remove the
awareness of death from consciousness
associating sex with relationships adds
to this complexity because relationships
are complex for so many people the next
time you have sex
think about your reasons for doing so
that may tell you whether you use sex to
build your relationships to boost your
ego as for myself it took me many years
to understand that I actually chose to
study sexuality and close relationship to cope with my fears of death
sex the source of life keeps reminding
us of our mortality when I started my
graduate studies
I wondered which topic would fascinate
me in the upcoming years because I was
very young and at the height of
discovering the joys of life the answer
was easy sex and of course I discussed
sex related issues with people around me
and I was shocked to discover that sex
could be not only a source of joy and
excitement but also a source of pain
embarrassment and even boredom I
remember talking to one of my friends
and she said I just don’t understand the
fuss around sex I asked her do you enjoy
your sex life and she said yeah I do but
for me it’s not a big deal then I
decided to explore the meanings of sex
in people’s life and how these meanings
affect the relationship now let’s try to
find out why sex may pose a problem to
humans and how humans cope with it as we
all know we are equipped with a sexual
system that allows us to reproduce that
is to pass on our genes to the next
generations the sexual system arouses
our sexual urges and motivates us to
look for a partner with whom we can make
without enjoying sex or at least without
being motivated to engage in sex our
species
wouldn’t have survived if so why do so
many people experience mixed emotions
about sexuality sex is a crucially act
that reminds us of our animalistic
nature has anyone here visited the San
Diego Zoo no I’ll tell you what’s really
going on in this Zoo I visited I visited
this place with friends and we watched
the chimpanzees they were mating with
each other all over the place and of
course our presence did not interfere
with their show
one of my friends noted oh I look like
one of these monkeys when I’m having sex
[Music]
don’t you agree and this resemblance
reminds us of our animalistic nature and
that like all animals we are doomed to
perish animalistic sex reminds us of our
mortality just to illustrate the
association of sex with death think
about the expression La Petite Mort
little death which may refer to engaging
we may have sex like animals we die like
animals do
however unlike animals we are aware of
the fragility of life and the certainty
of death and this awareness is
terrifying an unbearable to maintain our
peace of mind we must use defense
mechanisms that help us distinguish
ourselves from animals and remove the
awareness of death from consciousness
one such mechanisms is infusing sex with
the meanings the transformed a crucially
act to something which is larger than
everyday life in one of my studies I
asked people to mention the meanings of
sex in their life and people mentioned
many meanings that make sex much more
than a creaturely Act for example some
people may see sex as a way to express
uniqueness or creativity other people
may see sex as a place where they can
lose inhibitions and escape reality
think about your reasons for engaging in
sex
instinctively you may answer I’m having
sex because I’m horny but when asked
such a question people mention other
reasons for engaging in sex such as
having sex to obtain relief from stress
or having sex to feel good about oneself
when we analyze those meanings we
discover that amongst the most prevalent
meanings are those that reflect the
belief the sex enhances the emotional
bond between partners and promotes the
relationships both men and women
romanticize sex and associated with love
and it works for them associating sex
with love helps remove the awareness of
death from consciousness I’ll illustrate
this point using an old study in this
study participants were asked to think
either about the physical aspects of sex
such as the smell of sweat or the taste
of fluids or about romantic aspects of
sex such as expressing love for their
partner during sexual intercourse
following this procedure participants
were asked to complete words fragments
for example the string Co ffs could be
completed to either coffee or heaven the
findings showed that following thinking
about the physical aspects of sex
participants were more likely to
complete words that were associated with
death then following thinking about the
romantic aspects of cells that tells us
that love protects us from the deadly
out of all the meaning that can hide the
deadly connotations of sex as I
mentioned before why do we choose to
romanticize sex and associated with love
the answer may lie in the long period in
which our kids depend on our protection
at what age can kids survive without our
caring
throughout human history the survival
chances of kids increased tremendously
if both parents raise them together
hence we had to develop mechanisms that
motivated us to stay together with a
sexual partner until our kids could
survive without our caring if we look at
the feature that distinguish our sexual
system from that of other animals will
find in direct evidence that sex serves
such a function sex may help build the
emotional bond between strangers for
example the most prevalent and preferred
sexual position is the missionary
position now think about this position
it allows belly-to-belly skin-to-skin
contact
it’s the ultimate hug that we all crave
we also tend to have sex in private and
fall asleep afterwards these behavioral
tendencies instill a sense of closeness
between strangers in addition the normal
peptide oxytocin which is known to
facilitate facilitate emotional bonding
is secreted during foreplay
sexual intercourse and at the moment
that precedes orgasm and we as humans
experience an extended exposure to
oxytocin because we do not limit our
sexual interactions the
this proceed oblation but have sex and
cross the menstrual cycle but we don’t
have to rely on indirect evidence we can
ask people directly why they have sex
and as I told you people say that the
uses to intensify their relationship and
they also behave in this manner when we
activate the sexual system by exposing
people to sexual images they behave in a
way that allows them to get closer to
strangers in one study we expose
participants to either sexual stimuli or
neutral stimuli participants were seated
in front of a computer screen and we
flashed really quickly those images so
that participants were not aware of
seeing those images following this
exposure participants were introduced an
opposite sex stranger and were asked to
disclose a personal story we discovered
that following the sexual exposure
participants were more likely to reveal
intimate details about themselves than
following the neutral exposure that
tells you the facts make us makes us
chat and this chattiness
allows us to initiate a relationship
with potential partners in another study
we exposed participants to either sexual
stimuli or neutral stimuli as I’ve just
described and then we asked participants
to solve a list of problems in the
presence of an opposite sex participant
who’s actually a Confederate a research
assistant who worked with us when the
Confederate reach the third problem he
turned he or she turned to the
participant and said oh I’m stuck could
you please help me and the Confederate
measures the
the participants pendings helping him or
her using a stopwatch hidden in the
packet we discovered that following the
sexual exposure participants spent more
time in helping the Confederate than
following the neutral exposure that
means that sex makes us not only more
chattel
but also more helpful and the magical
effects of facts works not only in
initial encounters but also in existing
relationships and for both men and women
in another study we asked participants
to sexually fantasize either about their
partners or about other people or to
fantasize about a positive interaction
with their partner which was not sexual
participants were more likely to say
that they would like to do something
nice for their partner following
sexually fantasizing about this partner
than in the other two conditions and
people also behave in this manner we
followed couples for several weeks in
which we asked them to record in a diary
their sexual fantasies and their
interactions with their partner and we
found that following sexually
fantasizing about one’s partner people
were actually more likely to behave
nicely towards their partner for example
people are more likely to give
compliments to the partner and to
express affection for their partner
people were also less likely to
criticize the partner and ignore the
partners needs so if you are too lazy to
have sex you can still reap the benefits
what have we learned here for most
people sex is much more than just sex
and this complexity helps us distinguish
ourselves from animals and remove the
awareness of death from consciousness
associating sex with relationships adds
to this complexity because relationships
are complex for so many people the next
time you have sex
think about your reasons for doing so
that may tell you whether you use sex to
build your relationships to boost your
ego as for myself it took me many years
to understand that I actually chose to
study sexuality and close relationship to cope with my fears of death
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