so the truth I think about it like a
fitted sheet you know the ones you buy
at the store you take it home you take
it out of the package and you really
hope it’s the right color in the right
thread count because it’s never going
back into that package again that’s what
it’s like to spit into a tube to have
your DNA tested
you see I talked to my sister into doing
a DNA test with 23andme and after a lot
of spit more than you’d suspect and the
click of a mouse I found out the truth
my dad was not actually my biological
dad just like that I became part of the
12 million people who have had their DNA
tested and just like that he became a
part of the 1 to 3 percent of men who
think that they’re the father of their
child but they’re actually not wow the
there’s no putting it back
there’s no unknowing it there’s no one
doing it so it was really painful even
though I’m standing up here smiling it
was so painful it’s not like the DNA
commercials where everyone’s smiling and
they’re so happy I’m so excited to learn
about their ancestry but even though I
was really overwhelmed and sad I never
once regretted spitting into that tube
my parents were already dead so any
clues that there may have been to link
me to my biological father had long ago
been buried frankly I felt really alone
and very isolated nobody really
understood where I was coming from I
felt sad and very overwhelmed and I
vacillated between feeling quite
shattered and a little bit curious like
who was this guy was he still alive did
you look like me did he like to ride
bikes would he be interested in paying
some back child support but denial is a
close cousin of grief and I had moments
and hours and sometimes days of not
believing it I even contacted 23andme
and questioned their method
jee-in the veracity of the results I’m
sure they love that and they assured me
that the results were true I really
wanted to find this person but I was in
the middle of an existential crisis so I
did the only thing I could think of I
after Facebook I went to classmates comm
and I basically lied all over the place
I created fake profiles and my dead
mother’s name just that I could get
access to yearbooks from the 50s and 60s
I got a lead that my mother may have
worked at an ice cream shop in the north
end of town in US in a small place
called Redmond Oregon so I went on
Twitter and I followed their historical
business Society and the Chamber of
Commerce and I asked for some data from
1967 then I went to Facebook and I found
a group called you know you’re from
Redmond Oregon if and it’s basically one
of those groups where people wax
nostalgic about the old five-and-dime
and back when gas cost 50 cents and
asked him if I could join
I even put an ad in their local
newspaper with my mother’s picture but
nobody called I had seen a lot of magnum
p.i
and a lot of Sherlock Holmes and so I
knew the next step was to hire a private
investigator so I sent one an email told
him the story offered all the money I
had which wasn’t much but I said here’s
my credit card
he responded and said good luck with
that
you know nothing without a name or a
place or an age you’re really looking
for a needle in a haystack and then
guess what happened I found him about 6
or 7 months after I had spent into that
tube to have my DNA tested I found him
it just goes to prove that Facebook has
more purpose than showing me what you
had for lunch the other day but my life
is not like a hallmark movie I’m still
really sad I haven’t even had a chance
to process it yet I’m really overwhelmed
and so I created a 10-year plan to deal
with it you see I’m like you and I think
you’re all like me if you have a problem
and you don’t
deal with it what do we do we just go
buy an expensive blender and do a 30-day
juice cleanse or if you have a little
more money in the bank you fly to India
and do an expensive yoga retreat
you see we love the silver lining
especially in this town and we love
finding the sunny side of the street and
I love the sunny side of the street but
this was so big and so life-changing
that I needed to just kind of sit with
it to like face it feel it process it I
kind of needed it to marinate for like
10 years well I am three years in to my
ten-year plan and I’ll be honest with
you it’s still really bizarre but it’s a
lot less painful than it was and now I
can look at it from many different
angles like what’s that like to be in
your mid-60s and find out that you
helped create me like 47 years ago well
I figure in another seven years I’ll
feel even more differently about it than
I do now
and I’m hoping by then maybe I can fold
you [Applause]
fitted sheet you know the ones you buy
at the store you take it home you take
it out of the package and you really
hope it’s the right color in the right
thread count because it’s never going
back into that package again that’s what
it’s like to spit into a tube to have
your DNA tested
you see I talked to my sister into doing
a DNA test with 23andme and after a lot
of spit more than you’d suspect and the
click of a mouse I found out the truth
my dad was not actually my biological
dad just like that I became part of the
12 million people who have had their DNA
tested and just like that he became a
part of the 1 to 3 percent of men who
think that they’re the father of their
child but they’re actually not wow the
there’s no putting it back
there’s no unknowing it there’s no one
doing it so it was really painful even
though I’m standing up here smiling it
was so painful it’s not like the DNA
commercials where everyone’s smiling and
they’re so happy I’m so excited to learn
about their ancestry but even though I
was really overwhelmed and sad I never
once regretted spitting into that tube
my parents were already dead so any
clues that there may have been to link
me to my biological father had long ago
been buried frankly I felt really alone
and very isolated nobody really
understood where I was coming from I
felt sad and very overwhelmed and I
vacillated between feeling quite
shattered and a little bit curious like
who was this guy was he still alive did
you look like me did he like to ride
bikes would he be interested in paying
some back child support but denial is a
close cousin of grief and I had moments
and hours and sometimes days of not
believing it I even contacted 23andme
and questioned their method
jee-in the veracity of the results I’m
sure they love that and they assured me
that the results were true I really
wanted to find this person but I was in
the middle of an existential crisis so I
did the only thing I could think of I
after Facebook I went to classmates comm
and I basically lied all over the place
I created fake profiles and my dead
mother’s name just that I could get
access to yearbooks from the 50s and 60s
I got a lead that my mother may have
worked at an ice cream shop in the north
end of town in US in a small place
called Redmond Oregon so I went on
Twitter and I followed their historical
business Society and the Chamber of
Commerce and I asked for some data from
1967 then I went to Facebook and I found
a group called you know you’re from
Redmond Oregon if and it’s basically one
of those groups where people wax
nostalgic about the old five-and-dime
and back when gas cost 50 cents and
asked him if I could join
I even put an ad in their local
newspaper with my mother’s picture but
nobody called I had seen a lot of magnum
p.i
and a lot of Sherlock Holmes and so I
knew the next step was to hire a private
investigator so I sent one an email told
him the story offered all the money I
had which wasn’t much but I said here’s
my credit card
he responded and said good luck with
that
you know nothing without a name or a
place or an age you’re really looking
for a needle in a haystack and then
guess what happened I found him about 6
or 7 months after I had spent into that
tube to have my DNA tested I found him
it just goes to prove that Facebook has
more purpose than showing me what you
had for lunch the other day but my life
is not like a hallmark movie I’m still
really sad I haven’t even had a chance
to process it yet I’m really overwhelmed
and so I created a 10-year plan to deal
with it you see I’m like you and I think
you’re all like me if you have a problem
and you don’t
deal with it what do we do we just go
buy an expensive blender and do a 30-day
juice cleanse or if you have a little
more money in the bank you fly to India
and do an expensive yoga retreat
you see we love the silver lining
especially in this town and we love
finding the sunny side of the street and
I love the sunny side of the street but
this was so big and so life-changing
that I needed to just kind of sit with
it to like face it feel it process it I
kind of needed it to marinate for like
10 years well I am three years in to my
ten-year plan and I’ll be honest with
you it’s still really bizarre but it’s a
lot less painful than it was and now I
can look at it from many different
angles like what’s that like to be in
your mid-60s and find out that you
helped create me like 47 years ago well
I figure in another seven years I’ll
feel even more differently about it than
I do now
and I’m hoping by then maybe I can fold
you [Applause]
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