that I’m disabled I’ve been legally
blind since birth but most people had no
idea that I could barely make out the
top E on a standard vision chart I
eventually came to regard my ruse as in
many ways foolish and unwise but I also
think there are important lessons to be
learned about disabilities from
examining why I and others have
sometimes gone to such great lengths to
hide or downplay them although my
condition is not as severe as those of
other people I’ve learned that things
like curb cuts sign language
interpreters in large print books are
not enough on their own to fully correct
for the disadvantages that are often
associated with being disabled we also
need to examine and reform the ways in
which we relate to treat and regard
disabled family members and friends
colleagues and briefly encountered
strangers in our everyday lives now when
we think about disabled people we often
think about those who have physical or
mental conditions that are obvious but
not all disabilities are like that
some people have conditions that are not
immediately perceptible or visible to
casual bystanders
such as certain forms of autism
traumatic brain injury chronic fatigue
or sensory impairments like mine when
someone has a condition like that she
may even have the option of attempting
to pass as non-disabled in much the way
that someone might try to pass as
hiding my disability was actually not as
difficult as you might think
whitetip canes and Guide Dogs were out
of course and I often had to make up
excuses to avoid situations that
required normal vision no I don’t think
I’ll be joining the fly-fishing trip
water screw coal for me I think that in
most areas of life people tend to rely
on stereotypes and folk wisdom in the
ways that they regard and treat disabled
people so I had to not only imitate the
appearance mannerisms and behavior of
normally sighted people but I had to
seem to do so with normal ease and grace
I learned to fake eye contact to
identify people by the way they walk yes
you do all have a distinctive swagger
and to pretend to read printed text now
I actually got pretty good at this I
would hold a piece of paper at a normal
distance adopt a ponderous facial
expression like move my eyes back and
forth for what seemed an appropriate
period of time before finally offering a
generic response oh that’s very
interesting what do you think I became
very good at listening to people
remembering what they say and using that
information to figure out what I was
supposed to be looking at say on a
restaurant menu yes I guess I also have
the fermented shark that’s just what I’m
in the mood for when teachers would put
up math problems on the chalkboard that
I couldn’t see I would sometimes pretend
like I was asleep or say I didn’t know
how to do them or simply sarcastically
answer something like purple or the
Civil War in my mind it was better to be
regarded as aloof dim-witted or rude
then for my secret to be discovered as I
look back on why I hid my disability for
so long I’m I’ve come to regret my
evident immaturity and lack of self
acceptance
and failure to take full advantage of
the many political and legal advances
that have been made for disabled people
laws and public policies on their own
however are not enough to fully correct
for the kinds of informal attitudes and
types of treatment that I was so
desperately trying to avoid there are
the obvious instances of bullying
mockery and condescension that disabled
people often encounter but I’ve also
noticed that when people are aware of my
condition they tend to be somewhat more
awkward around me and preoccupied with
my disability so Adam what can you see
or how do those glasses work I’ve come
to think that the appreciation that I
receive from other people tends to be
more for the ways and for the
accommodations that I’ve gotten on
certain things rather than for my
successes themselves while the
admiration that I do receive is often
more for overcoming my disability rather
than for my successes themselves I think
people tend to rely on folk wisdom
stereotypes and their own guesses about
how they would respond if they had a
disability they tend to assume for
example that because I have a visual
disability I must have a cognitive
disability or that I fail to develop
certain talents and skills as a result
they seem to be somewhat less likely to
assign important responsibilities to me
to trust or rely on me to accomplish
various goals or to include me in group
projects and activities having strong
relationships and being accepted
included and appreciated are all good
things that we have reasons to want in
our lives without them were much worse
off and we risk falling into despondency
now I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit
this next part but one kind of attitude
that I regularly encounter is when other
people have and show extra care and
concern for me because I’m disabled how
can I justifiably feel disparaged
offended or put down by those who are
especially sensitive to my condition who
sympathize with the challenges I face or
who do nice things for me on account of
my disability is it really possible to
care about and help someone too much
well think of your own reactions you
might have if for example your
father-in-law tries to give you career
advice if you’re wealthy aunt sins over
hand-me-down clothes or if a dinner
guest takes over the grill or the
margarita stand because as she sees it
you’re just not doing it well enough
people with disabilities often find
ourselves in situations of this kind
when teachers would sometimes find out
about my condition they would take it
upon themselves to give me large print
exams on huge pieces of paper in full
view of the whole class I’ve had people
come up to me and sincerely say I’m so
sorry this has happened to you or good
for you for being out and about friends
have offered me advice about
experimental treatments and colleagues
have sometimes forced an entire table of
people to switch chairs so that I could
see better I know these people were
sincerely concerned about me and my
welfare
they weren’t condescending to me or
trying to embarrass me and they often
really did help me but I would sometimes
bristle at their evident kindness while
they were surprised and hurt by the cold
reception they received I admit that my
reactions were sometimes exaggerated
but I’ve come to think that they are
justified to some extent by thinking
about the ideas of care and respect one
of the great moral challenges of life is
to balance these conflicting moral
values when they compete with each other
so consider it some other examples for
my own life I can sometimes read printed
text if I hold it close enough to my
face but other people will on occasion
take this as an indication that I want
or need them to read it out loud for me
now sometimes the right of course I
really am struggling to read the fine
print but I also and sometimes somewhat
offended by their presumptuousness and
pretending to know what I can see and
what I want when I ask for and receive
reasonable accommodations that are
morally and legally required officials
will sometimes act as if they’re doing
me a huge favor this can make me feel
somewhat put down by their evident
misunderstanding of my rights providing
reasonable accommodations to disabled
people is not mere charity or generosity
it’s their moral and legal duty I used
to rock climb
I know scary thought but I guess it was
good having my face plastered to the
side of a mountain I noticed though that
when other climbers found out about my
condition they would sometimes take an
extra interest in my knots and rig but
simply smile and nod when I would try to
give them tips and strategies these
attitudes feed into a general perception
of disabled people as weak in need of
protection and less capable than others
although I do admit that they sometimes
save me from a few mishaps so
there you go and finally when I’m at
conferences fellow participants will
sometimes take it upon themselves to
direct me to the next room or tell me
what’s on the lunch buffet the flipside
of their generosity however is that
there are now things that I have to do I
have to smile I have to say thank you I
have to even be nicer to them than I
otherwise would be now don’t get me
wrong I’m often quite pleased to show my
gratitude for their evident kindness but
sometimes these necessary pleasantries
can become onerous and make me feel
somewhat subservient and put down when I
would rather have just managed on my own
loss of respect from others even from
those who are trying to help us can
undermine our dignity as persons it can
also diminish our sense of self-worth
and perhaps even lead to more serious
forms of exclusion and discrimination so
what can we do in our own lives to show
proper care and respect to disabled
people well the first step is simply to
recognize when these conflicts exist we
may find ourselves with an admirable
desire to help someone with a disability
but we should also consider how to show
her proper respect
if you encounter a disabled person who’s
choking by all means give her the
Heimlich maneuver but if you notice a
wheelchair user appeared to struggle
with ADD or take a beat and think about
whether you are making unwarranted
assumptions about her whether she has a
right to your assistance what messages
you might be sending with your actions
and what sort of responses she might
have to give in return consider these
questions may affect whether or not you
help her or at least they may affect the
manner in which you do so we should also
look for in Majan ative ways to show
care and respect to de se
people sometimes the best option is to
hide or downplay your assistance without
dwelling on it they’re making a big deal
about it
perhaps it’s enough to simply stand
ready to help to let the disabled person
take the lead and not to expect much
gratitude in return and on some
occasions it may be perfectly acceptable
to just go on about your business a key
lesson in all of this is not to assume
that simply because someone is disabled
that she wants or needs your help now in
light of these complexities I think
there are reasons for greater tolerance
and understanding on both sides disabled
people have reasons to recognize and
appreciate the good intentions of others
who are trying to help us while perhaps
also explaining how they could have done
better and when we are rebuffed in our
efforts to help a disabled person we
should perhaps be more understanding of
her reasons for doing so I’m not
recommending callousness or indifference
to disabled people nor suggesting that
we should always or even usually refrain
from helping them the lesson instead is
that the care and concern we should have
for all people including those with
disabilities should be guided and
constrained by the respect we have for
my parents had very different ideas
about how to raise a disabled child my
mother wanted me to have every
accommodation Under the Sun while my
father signed me up to play rec
basketball I’ve come to think that my
parents were both right in their
approach to raising me for my father’s
part disabled people have to live in the
world as imperfect as it is and to
develop the skills and talents to
survive and thrive in it but my mother
was right as well it’s not enough for
disabled people to simply get by in an
imperfect world we also have reasons to
change it by standing up for our rights
demanding respect changing social
attitudes and showing others what we can
do that’s why I ultimately came out as a
disabled person I’m immensely grateful
for the help that I’ve received along
the way but strangely enough I’ve
sometimes felt most genuinely accepted
when those who know about my condition
have simply let me bump into things miss
my bus stop or as my daughter recently
did send me down a playground slide into
a large puddle of water I couldn’t see now that is moral progress thank you