on the bad days I asked myself what good
is all this body positivity I talked
about when my own body exhausts me when
I can’t forget how uncomfortable I feel
in a club unless I drink my weight in
tequila when my girlfriend stopped being
the woman who saved me and instead
become the bodies I will never have when
I seek validation from intense on a
dancefloor a hot breath in my ear a
strange body naming me beautiful does
all of my work become undone when I
choose to stay home alone crying and
better when this poem asked to be
written I say no until choking me until
I can’t breathe through the sobs until I
don’t know which is the lie my love for
my fat body or my desperation to escape
it can love and hate live in the same
place last week last week I was dancing
with a man I had never met but his hands
touched me like they note like they knew
me for years I laughed and I was made of
mirrors reflecting on light in the room
then another man leaned in and said to
him at some point we just got to say
it and get what you can right I
closed my eyes as my partner kissed my
neck I let him grab a handful of my ass
I let him ask if he could take me home I
danced like your fight demons were
watching like if they stood just a few
feet away alone with a drink in hand in
most days most days I don’t mind those
stairs that linger over my belly
knowing that confused people who think
you can’t be this fat and still be the
baddest chick in a room you should see
me I could blind the Sun on days like
that but then then come the nights where
I wonder if I am still that woman that
used to pretend to be other woman on the
internet just to feel loved
is this another woman I am pretending to
be because I love myself I swear I do
there isn’t a day that I don’t praise
this body and how it forgives me how it
saves me how it lets me live here that
maybe this unapologetic be this fat girl
Gloria be this sweet
in ballistic father I believe in this
left in this truth that is always the
truth even when the world tries to tell
me that being fat and beautiful and
something I already do every day
hello so my leave my name is Jessica
Salgado and I am a poet and a fly
background girl now I didn’t always
introduce myself to the world this way
in fact I didn’t introduce myself a lot
at all for a long long time I come from
a large Salvadorian family I’m the
oldest of three sisters and just so
happens that I am also the fattest my
culture everything is celebrated with
food birthdays anniversaries graduations
church every other Saturday everything
and if you don’t eat when you come over
to visit a relative is not only an
insult to their food but also to their
love and their hard work so I ate and I
developed a complicated relationship
with food and my body always feeling
ashamed for how much it grew how much
space I took up how little of me I felt
with the more mass I accumulated as a
teenager I discovered catfishing now
catfishing is when you go online
pretending to be something you are not I
pretended to be a tall thin brunette a
thin woman with conventional beauty I
thought now I was someone worth being
worth being heard worth being seen so I
started sharing my poetry on online
forums this way you see I thought that a
fat woman a fat Latina woman had no
place in the world to tell them about
love or her family or sex or anything
like that but as someone beautiful or
who I thought was beautiful at the time
people would listen and this way I
started getting involved in a lot of
relationships a lot of a romantic
relationships as I’ve always liked the
boys and the last time that I catfished
it was with a man named Dominic we had
been in a relationship for six months
and I was so in love but the lies were
pi
running over each other so much that I
couldn’t even breathe I finally told him
one day the truth I’m not the woman in
the pictures I am NOT the woman he
thought he was in love with that’s not
me he asked to see the real me my face I
remember sitting on the curb outside of
my job that day sobbing at the thought
of taking a picture of my own body and
sending it to this man that I loved I
thought my biggest sin wasn’t the lies
but it was in tricking him into falling
in love with a fat woman so when I sent
him my actual picture he answered why
didn’t you let me love you why didn’t
you give me that choice I went home and
that question kept rattling in my head
why didn’t you give me that choice why
didn’t you give me that choice why
didn’t I give myself that choice I had
this I had allowed the world to decide
who I was and what I looked like carried
value I hadn’t asked myself to love
myself I was sad and angry and
frustrated I didn’t know what to do my
mentor at the time suggested I seek
therapy someone to hold me accountable
to pull me outside of myself so I
started seeing my therapist I
specifically asked for a woman and she
and I used to meet every Saturday for
over a year and we did a lot of hard
work of finding myself we did a lot of
exercises that involved me looking at
myself so I would go home and stare in
my mirror as uncomfortable as it was I
would take as many pictures as I could
selfies and post them all over the
Internet
fast forward a few months and even years
I started wearing a lipstick I started
doing my hair I started wearing other
colors that that flattered my beautiful
brown skin my curbs all of it I remember
I was at a shopping mall and you know I
was buying stuff like we all usually do
and I saw a crop top hanging in the
distance and it glowed you know like
those apparitions that happen like it
was calling my name
and so I I took it I went into the
dressing room I put it on and I looked
at myself in the mirror for a long time
at first I felt ridiculous and then I
felt different interesting bold like
those people you see in TV that you’re
like man it won’t
to be as brave as them I bought the
shirt I took at home with no intentions
of ever wearing it anywhere it hidden my
closet for a long long time I pulled it
out look at it I took selfies in it I
posted it online but I never wore it out
it was there until one day I was like oh
well I put it on like armor I braced
myself for whatever would happen and I
went out into the world and guess what
happened nothing nobody cared
I didn’t implode nobody threw tomatoes
at me I made it back home safe and sound
and this way crop tops became a part of
my armor every day I started wearing
them specifically for perform for
performances I started wearing them to
clubs I started wearing them around the
house my belly always exposed the part
that I always wished away from you
became my biggest pride and joy now I’m
a poet and I’ve always been performing
and this way I formed the collective
coaching quantifier and we not only
celebrate other woman but we also
celebrate our different bodies my
partner Angela and I look very very
different together she is a she’s
considered a petite smaller woman next
to me but she and I look so fly when we
stand next to each other whether bold
lipstick and our hoops and I hair and
everything so I learned to love myself
to say yes to myself any chance I got
now this doesn’t negate the fact that
all of those years of difficult words
that I learned didn’t still rattle in my
head sometimes I wake up and I still
have bad days days that I can’t get out
of bed days where this body feels so
heavy where I resent it where I feel
guilty for feeling this bad about my
body because I know there are so many
woman that look at my bravery and say I
want to be like her so I remind myself
on those days that love does not work
this way
love is a constant question it is the it
is willing it is being willing to ask
yourself the same question every day and
no matter what the answer is to always
be willing to O to answer it with an
open heart you
see loving yourself isn’t a spell that
you pour over yourself you don’t wake up
on it and say you know what I’m fine and
nobody else is ever going to say
anything about this I’m a feel-good
every single day every single moment
that’s not how this works
it is armor we put it on piece by piece
some days you could only get the sleeves
on other days just one shoe some days to
get all of the battle gear on and you go
out into the world ready for war you
know I have a saying that says take a
picture on the good days so you could
find it on the bad days leave yourself
love notes leave yourself a reminder of
the days that you felt invincible of the
day that it didn’t matter what anybody
else had to say about anything about you
where you believe your own voice in your
head where you spoke louder than the
roars of anything else and this is what
I do my whole social media is based on
celebrating my own body and those of
others around me women who most of the
time aren’t used to seeing somebody that
looks like them being raised on a
pedestal
I tell them raise yourselves – and I
invite you to do it – go home tonight
look at yourself in the mirror drinking
all of your brilliance that special part
of you that makes you you your smile
you’re one crooked tooth how your hair
quite won’t stay down all the time all
of it take a picture of yourself if you
don’t feel like posting online that’s
fine make it the wallpaper on your phone
email it to yourself print it out hang
it on your wall remember that no one can
ever take away the things you tell
yourself for nobody else is listening it
is a truth that is always the truth even
when the world tries to tell you that
being fat and beautiful ain’t something
you already do every day thank
you
[Applause]
is all this body positivity I talked
about when my own body exhausts me when
I can’t forget how uncomfortable I feel
in a club unless I drink my weight in
tequila when my girlfriend stopped being
the woman who saved me and instead
become the bodies I will never have when
I seek validation from intense on a
dancefloor a hot breath in my ear a
strange body naming me beautiful does
all of my work become undone when I
choose to stay home alone crying and
better when this poem asked to be
written I say no until choking me until
I can’t breathe through the sobs until I
don’t know which is the lie my love for
my fat body or my desperation to escape
it can love and hate live in the same
place last week last week I was dancing
with a man I had never met but his hands
touched me like they note like they knew
me for years I laughed and I was made of
mirrors reflecting on light in the room
then another man leaned in and said to
him at some point we just got to say
it and get what you can right I
closed my eyes as my partner kissed my
neck I let him grab a handful of my ass
I let him ask if he could take me home I
danced like your fight demons were
watching like if they stood just a few
feet away alone with a drink in hand in
most days most days I don’t mind those
stairs that linger over my belly
knowing that confused people who think
you can’t be this fat and still be the
baddest chick in a room you should see
me I could blind the Sun on days like
that but then then come the nights where
I wonder if I am still that woman that
used to pretend to be other woman on the
internet just to feel loved
is this another woman I am pretending to
be because I love myself I swear I do
there isn’t a day that I don’t praise
this body and how it forgives me how it
saves me how it lets me live here that
maybe this unapologetic be this fat girl
Gloria be this sweet
in ballistic father I believe in this
left in this truth that is always the
truth even when the world tries to tell
me that being fat and beautiful and
something I already do every day
hello so my leave my name is Jessica
Salgado and I am a poet and a fly
background girl now I didn’t always
introduce myself to the world this way
in fact I didn’t introduce myself a lot
at all for a long long time I come from
a large Salvadorian family I’m the
oldest of three sisters and just so
happens that I am also the fattest my
culture everything is celebrated with
food birthdays anniversaries graduations
church every other Saturday everything
and if you don’t eat when you come over
to visit a relative is not only an
insult to their food but also to their
love and their hard work so I ate and I
developed a complicated relationship
with food and my body always feeling
ashamed for how much it grew how much
space I took up how little of me I felt
with the more mass I accumulated as a
teenager I discovered catfishing now
catfishing is when you go online
pretending to be something you are not I
pretended to be a tall thin brunette a
thin woman with conventional beauty I
thought now I was someone worth being
worth being heard worth being seen so I
started sharing my poetry on online
forums this way you see I thought that a
fat woman a fat Latina woman had no
place in the world to tell them about
love or her family or sex or anything
like that but as someone beautiful or
who I thought was beautiful at the time
people would listen and this way I
started getting involved in a lot of
relationships a lot of a romantic
relationships as I’ve always liked the
boys and the last time that I catfished
it was with a man named Dominic we had
been in a relationship for six months
and I was so in love but the lies were
pi
running over each other so much that I
couldn’t even breathe I finally told him
one day the truth I’m not the woman in
the pictures I am NOT the woman he
thought he was in love with that’s not
me he asked to see the real me my face I
remember sitting on the curb outside of
my job that day sobbing at the thought
of taking a picture of my own body and
sending it to this man that I loved I
thought my biggest sin wasn’t the lies
but it was in tricking him into falling
in love with a fat woman so when I sent
him my actual picture he answered why
didn’t you let me love you why didn’t
you give me that choice I went home and
that question kept rattling in my head
why didn’t you give me that choice why
didn’t you give me that choice why
didn’t I give myself that choice I had
this I had allowed the world to decide
who I was and what I looked like carried
value I hadn’t asked myself to love
myself I was sad and angry and
frustrated I didn’t know what to do my
mentor at the time suggested I seek
therapy someone to hold me accountable
to pull me outside of myself so I
started seeing my therapist I
specifically asked for a woman and she
and I used to meet every Saturday for
over a year and we did a lot of hard
work of finding myself we did a lot of
exercises that involved me looking at
myself so I would go home and stare in
my mirror as uncomfortable as it was I
would take as many pictures as I could
selfies and post them all over the
Internet
fast forward a few months and even years
I started wearing a lipstick I started
doing my hair I started wearing other
colors that that flattered my beautiful
brown skin my curbs all of it I remember
I was at a shopping mall and you know I
was buying stuff like we all usually do
and I saw a crop top hanging in the
distance and it glowed you know like
those apparitions that happen like it
was calling my name
and so I I took it I went into the
dressing room I put it on and I looked
at myself in the mirror for a long time
at first I felt ridiculous and then I
felt different interesting bold like
those people you see in TV that you’re
like man it won’t
to be as brave as them I bought the
shirt I took at home with no intentions
of ever wearing it anywhere it hidden my
closet for a long long time I pulled it
out look at it I took selfies in it I
posted it online but I never wore it out
it was there until one day I was like oh
well I put it on like armor I braced
myself for whatever would happen and I
went out into the world and guess what
happened nothing nobody cared
I didn’t implode nobody threw tomatoes
at me I made it back home safe and sound
and this way crop tops became a part of
my armor every day I started wearing
them specifically for perform for
performances I started wearing them to
clubs I started wearing them around the
house my belly always exposed the part
that I always wished away from you
became my biggest pride and joy now I’m
a poet and I’ve always been performing
and this way I formed the collective
coaching quantifier and we not only
celebrate other woman but we also
celebrate our different bodies my
partner Angela and I look very very
different together she is a she’s
considered a petite smaller woman next
to me but she and I look so fly when we
stand next to each other whether bold
lipstick and our hoops and I hair and
everything so I learned to love myself
to say yes to myself any chance I got
now this doesn’t negate the fact that
all of those years of difficult words
that I learned didn’t still rattle in my
head sometimes I wake up and I still
have bad days days that I can’t get out
of bed days where this body feels so
heavy where I resent it where I feel
guilty for feeling this bad about my
body because I know there are so many
woman that look at my bravery and say I
want to be like her so I remind myself
on those days that love does not work
this way
love is a constant question it is the it
is willing it is being willing to ask
yourself the same question every day and
no matter what the answer is to always
be willing to O to answer it with an
open heart you
see loving yourself isn’t a spell that
you pour over yourself you don’t wake up
on it and say you know what I’m fine and
nobody else is ever going to say
anything about this I’m a feel-good
every single day every single moment
that’s not how this works
it is armor we put it on piece by piece
some days you could only get the sleeves
on other days just one shoe some days to
get all of the battle gear on and you go
out into the world ready for war you
know I have a saying that says take a
picture on the good days so you could
find it on the bad days leave yourself
love notes leave yourself a reminder of
the days that you felt invincible of the
day that it didn’t matter what anybody
else had to say about anything about you
where you believe your own voice in your
head where you spoke louder than the
roars of anything else and this is what
I do my whole social media is based on
celebrating my own body and those of
others around me women who most of the
time aren’t used to seeing somebody that
looks like them being raised on a
pedestal
I tell them raise yourselves – and I
invite you to do it – go home tonight
look at yourself in the mirror drinking
all of your brilliance that special part
of you that makes you you your smile
you’re one crooked tooth how your hair
quite won’t stay down all the time all
of it take a picture of yourself if you
don’t feel like posting online that’s
fine make it the wallpaper on your phone
email it to yourself print it out hang
it on your wall remember that no one can
ever take away the things you tell
yourself for nobody else is listening it
is a truth that is always the truth even
when the world tries to tell you that
being fat and beautiful ain’t something
you already do every day thank
you
[Applause]
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