[Music]
[Applause]
when I was asked to do this TED talk I
said let me sleep on it my memory is not
very good at the minute thanks to the
menopause I do tend to waffle and go off
on tangents at the best of times so I
slept on it and I woke the next morning
and the inner voice in me said look
you’ve been given an opportunity to
share what you’ve heard get your
so I took a deep breath I thought what
the heck can go wrong well 25 years ago
something did go wrong on the stage I
was in the audience like you and the
performer asked for a volunteer and I
stupidly shot my hand up and as I walked
onto the stage I realized he was going
to pick me up and carry me across broken
glass it was at that moment I realized
putting on the pair of tights with a
very large hole in the gusset was not a
good idea what with the very short skirt
I was wearing it was a recipe for
disaster so he picked me up and it was
one of those carries my legs are
dangling down there and we were at this
height and my skirt dropped a little bit
and as he’s literally trying very very
hard I froze and in the freezing
I became dead weight so now it’s
actually a really hard to struggle for
him and he’s walking barefoot on broken
glass I’m looking down blood is coming
out through his feet not my finest hour
or his for that matter so surely this
so to my story ten years ago I just
turned 40 married with three children
life was busy as it is with kids there’s
never any time for contemplation
decluttering your brain chilling
relaxing just thinking about life then
death came knocking
twice first he came and took my mum and
quite quickly after my dad – I was sad
death is a great leveler it makes you
vulnerable and I was wobbly this was a
very new sensation to me I dreaded book
called wild by Cheryl Strayed
and I was envious she went off into the
wilds of California when her mom died
and I really wanted to do the same it
sounded fabulous wandering days on end
nobody natural in your ear but sadly
that wasn’t gonna be possible for me
because I had to be at the school to
pick up the kids at 3:30 every day so I
need something practical something
realistic and that came in the form of
Diaries amazingly my mum had written 30
years worth we found them at the back of
her wardrobe
she wrote trite often unintentionally
funny one-liners about everyday life
they were a bit Victoria Wood I’ll give
you an example
June 17th 1998 the dog crapped all over
August 2nd 2001 rain rain rain well she
did live up north and 2nd of March 1986
there was a void I was missing my mum’s
input then I had an idea it’s plenty of
women still left plenty of wisdom out
there plenty of input why not ask them
so I had this idea that using themes
from amongst Diaries I come up with a
list of questions and gather some women
in I started at the school gate if you
came back after the school run we sat
eventually I spoke to a lot of women
when it came from all backgrounds or all
edges 3295 I think in the end and all
geography and I asked some questions
such as how are you I love that question
I think it’s my favorite question ever
when you’re at the bus stop when you’re
at the supermarket hi how are you fine
thanks how are you fine thanks how are
you often it goes on too long
nobody obviously I’m being pedantic you
can’t find out how somebody really is
but now I had the time I created this
space to sit down and ask the person in
front of me how they were that question
took with most people an hour to answer
I also asked how do you think other
people see you
that was a tricky one what do you like
about yourself even trickier I asked
about memories and I also asked about
how they do life and death
listening really really really connects
us because when you really listen to
somebody you connect with their heart
the mind moves out of the way and you’re
having a completely different sort of
conversation often it’s the space around
the words it’s being present just
they’re listening I heard all sorts of
weird and wonderful things we’re all
interesting the amount of women that
said to me you don’t have talked to me
I’ve got nothing to say it’s rubbish
absolute rubbish
I can guarantee not one person in this
room is boring everybody has a story no
matter how insignificant it might seem
to them but what I found was the fear of
invisibility was looming if not already
taken over I also found that low
self-esteem lack of confidence in our
worries were off the scale
I mean off the scale but I also heard
that we are incredibly repetitive the
amount of times the person sat in front
of me said but have not heard this
before but nobody else thinks like me do
they I was like yeah we all sound the
same we all speak the same and actually
that’s what connects us really we’re not
that different we have really really
aren’t when you get to the heart of the
matter we’re very very simplistic but it
wasn’t all doom and gloom I heard some
really really lovely interesting
descriptions interesting stories and it
was always surprising because you just
never knew what was going to come out of
someone’s mouth listen to this one woman
said this when asked about the weather
I dislike autumn it’s dishonest because
it signifies decay and death but it’s
disguised in theatrical clothes in all
its glory and color it’s faked but its
death when you look at spring its
promise new beginnings another chance
rebirth somewhere is greedy ripe no
surprises with summer it’s out there I
like the winter the naked trees at least
it’s honest Wow I only asked about the
weather and it was so poetic it just
litters she opened her mouth and it just
flew out and I thought she’s nicked that
off the internet so after she’d gone I
googled nothing it’s incredible how
poetic we are another of my questions
was what do you think about life one
lady said years ago I volunteered as a
prison visitor I had to fill in a form
as to why I wanted to help my analogy
was this life is like a meadow there’s a
gate at each end we all make her way
through the first one and head towards
the other some will fall in the mud
some will stop and smell the flowers why
not help and encourage the ones are
struggling hold out your hand the others
coming through at the same time as you
life isn’t about how well you do it’s
about how well everyone does so you can
see I was gathering some life-affirming
inspirational stuff and not a penny
spent in the self-help Department to the
bookshop all I had to do was ask the
person and it all came flowing out women
know stuff and I’m not saying men don’t
I haven’t had the chance to ask them yet
but I’m on it that’s my next project we
are wise listen to this from a 72 year
old I love life I don’t think a day goes
by when I don’t say thank you I’m so
lucky I still think I’m 21
life is just a circle you start as a
baby move around the circle and come
back to being that child I feel a kind
of elation ask them about memories too
and I know we’ve all got millions of
them but you can be sure when you ask
the question there’s one lurking
somewhere obvious the registry of life
you know the births or deaths and
marriages and some seem to cause pause
for thought just not knowing quite what
one woman said I have many memories of
my pilgrimages on the Santiago de
Compostela trail I’d go alone most
summers it’s the experiences you have
along the way and the people you meet I
met a woman with a shaved head a natural
lady knapsack on a stick over her
shoulder a bit dick whittington she was
a proper pilgrim she slept under the
trees beneath the stars doing the walk
in a very basic way she had no fear
there were some tough memories too
another said when your husband’s died
both mine have died at home from heart
attacks I’ve had to do the kiss of life
and chest bumping twice and another lady
who worked as a traffic warden one day
was giving a disgruntled member of the
public a ticket and he turned to her and
he said I hope the kids get cancer and
die
I asked about faith not in a religious
sense but I just want to know if we had
any deeper feelings this is my favorite
I believe everything happens for a
reason you have to be quiet to allow
those feelings to come I don’t go into
my mind so much because you can miss out
on a lot if you go searching with your
mind you become tunnel visioned and
forget to acknowledge the tiniest things
I have a friend and we have an inner
knowing we don’t need to speak we
communicate somehow without words
it’s almost telepathic there’s no
superficial chat it’s a shared sense of
I love listening to all these stories in
these women I could tell you many many
more expressive stories about nesting
wrens or sweet-smelling wafts of
fragrant jasmine or the simplicity of
how a fern on fills its leaves but as is
life’s biggest problem we have a limited
time but I do want to tell you one more
thing I wanted to know what the person
in front of me thought about the
experience of sitting there for most of
the day chatting and this is a very
reason I continued and will continue to
do so it’s been very therapeutic it’s
not often you get a chance to talk about
yourself without feeling self-conscious
I love talking about myself even the
worst things talked about a less scary
it’s good to be honest and open about
oneself
I’m very rarely truly honest so for
years on and 107 women let 107 women
later I did eventually down tools and
saying my project on the women is now
over I need to start on the men but I’ve
heard so much loveliness that I decided
that I would share what I’d heard in the
form of a book now this isn’t something
I’ve ever done before I don’t come from
that sort of background my spelling is
atrocious and I haven’t really been much
more than an email my entire life so it
was possibly the most naive thing I’ve
ever said it was excruciating my
confidence plummeted I was washed with
worried insecurities and self-doubt just
like all the women I’ve spoken to but a
persevered and a persevered on a
persevered and a further three years
down the line I did produce my book so
what have I learned well take your time
slow down time is precious it takes time to understand life when we’re rushing
to understand life when we’re rushing we’re missing it I’m 50 and I’m only
we’re missing it I’m 50 and I’m only just settling in assume nothing assume
just settling in assume nothing assume nothing about anyone ever we’ve got no
nothing about anyone ever we’ve got no idea what’s led them up until that point
idea what’s led them up until that point where they’ve met you in their life and
where they’ve met you in their life and often our judgments are very clouded
often our judgments are very clouded worry is a waste of time stop it just
worry is a waste of time stop it just stop it it benefits no one and take your
stop it it benefits no one and take your time to listen when you feel like
time to listen when you feel like isolated lonely and down in the dumps
isolated lonely and down in the dumps listening connects us not only listen to
listening connects us not only listen to each other but listen to yourself find
each other but listen to yourself find out who you are it’s good for the soul
out who you are it’s good for the soul it’s been said generally speaking you’re
it’s been said generally speaking you’re not learning much when your lips are
not learning much when your lips are moving and I know I might have been
moving and I know I might have been moving a lot so I hope you’ve been
moving a lot so I hope you’ve been learning something and feel encouraged
learning something and feel encouraged to step outside your comfort zone it’s
to step outside your comfort zone it’s not comfortable that’s the whole point
not comfortable that’s the whole point and I do think it makes you for a more
and I do think it makes you for a more compassionate human being so remember
compassionate human being so remember next time you’re having a conversation
next time you’re having a conversation and you notice your lips are doing
and you notice your lips are doing muscle moving stop
listen you’ll be amazed what you hear thank you very much
thank you very much [Applause]
[Applause]
when I was asked to do this TED talk I
said let me sleep on it my memory is not
very good at the minute thanks to the
menopause I do tend to waffle and go off
on tangents at the best of times so I
slept on it and I woke the next morning
and the inner voice in me said look
you’ve been given an opportunity to
share what you’ve heard get your
so I took a deep breath I thought what
the heck can go wrong well 25 years ago
something did go wrong on the stage I
was in the audience like you and the
performer asked for a volunteer and I
stupidly shot my hand up and as I walked
onto the stage I realized he was going
to pick me up and carry me across broken
glass it was at that moment I realized
putting on the pair of tights with a
very large hole in the gusset was not a
good idea what with the very short skirt
I was wearing it was a recipe for
disaster so he picked me up and it was
one of those carries my legs are
dangling down there and we were at this
height and my skirt dropped a little bit
and as he’s literally trying very very
hard I froze and in the freezing
I became dead weight so now it’s
actually a really hard to struggle for
him and he’s walking barefoot on broken
glass I’m looking down blood is coming
out through his feet not my finest hour
or his for that matter so surely this
so to my story ten years ago I just
turned 40 married with three children
life was busy as it is with kids there’s
never any time for contemplation
decluttering your brain chilling
relaxing just thinking about life then
death came knocking
twice first he came and took my mum and
quite quickly after my dad – I was sad
death is a great leveler it makes you
vulnerable and I was wobbly this was a
very new sensation to me I dreaded book
called wild by Cheryl Strayed
and I was envious she went off into the
wilds of California when her mom died
and I really wanted to do the same it
sounded fabulous wandering days on end
nobody natural in your ear but sadly
that wasn’t gonna be possible for me
because I had to be at the school to
pick up the kids at 3:30 every day so I
need something practical something
realistic and that came in the form of
Diaries amazingly my mum had written 30
years worth we found them at the back of
her wardrobe
she wrote trite often unintentionally
funny one-liners about everyday life
they were a bit Victoria Wood I’ll give
you an example
June 17th 1998 the dog crapped all over
August 2nd 2001 rain rain rain well she
did live up north and 2nd of March 1986
there was a void I was missing my mum’s
input then I had an idea it’s plenty of
women still left plenty of wisdom out
there plenty of input why not ask them
so I had this idea that using themes
from amongst Diaries I come up with a
list of questions and gather some women
in I started at the school gate if you
came back after the school run we sat
eventually I spoke to a lot of women
when it came from all backgrounds or all
edges 3295 I think in the end and all
geography and I asked some questions
such as how are you I love that question
I think it’s my favorite question ever
when you’re at the bus stop when you’re
at the supermarket hi how are you fine
thanks how are you fine thanks how are
you often it goes on too long
nobody obviously I’m being pedantic you
can’t find out how somebody really is
but now I had the time I created this
space to sit down and ask the person in
front of me how they were that question
took with most people an hour to answer
I also asked how do you think other
people see you
that was a tricky one what do you like
about yourself even trickier I asked
about memories and I also asked about
how they do life and death
listening really really really connects
us because when you really listen to
somebody you connect with their heart
the mind moves out of the way and you’re
having a completely different sort of
conversation often it’s the space around
the words it’s being present just
they’re listening I heard all sorts of
weird and wonderful things we’re all
interesting the amount of women that
said to me you don’t have talked to me
I’ve got nothing to say it’s rubbish
absolute rubbish
I can guarantee not one person in this
room is boring everybody has a story no
matter how insignificant it might seem
to them but what I found was the fear of
invisibility was looming if not already
taken over I also found that low
self-esteem lack of confidence in our
worries were off the scale
I mean off the scale but I also heard
that we are incredibly repetitive the
amount of times the person sat in front
of me said but have not heard this
before but nobody else thinks like me do
they I was like yeah we all sound the
same we all speak the same and actually
that’s what connects us really we’re not
that different we have really really
aren’t when you get to the heart of the
matter we’re very very simplistic but it
wasn’t all doom and gloom I heard some
really really lovely interesting
descriptions interesting stories and it
was always surprising because you just
never knew what was going to come out of
someone’s mouth listen to this one woman
said this when asked about the weather
I dislike autumn it’s dishonest because
it signifies decay and death but it’s
disguised in theatrical clothes in all
its glory and color it’s faked but its
death when you look at spring its
promise new beginnings another chance
rebirth somewhere is greedy ripe no
surprises with summer it’s out there I
like the winter the naked trees at least
it’s honest Wow I only asked about the
weather and it was so poetic it just
litters she opened her mouth and it just
flew out and I thought she’s nicked that
off the internet so after she’d gone I
googled nothing it’s incredible how
poetic we are another of my questions
was what do you think about life one
lady said years ago I volunteered as a
prison visitor I had to fill in a form
as to why I wanted to help my analogy
was this life is like a meadow there’s a
gate at each end we all make her way
through the first one and head towards
the other some will fall in the mud
some will stop and smell the flowers why
not help and encourage the ones are
struggling hold out your hand the others
coming through at the same time as you
life isn’t about how well you do it’s
about how well everyone does so you can
see I was gathering some life-affirming
inspirational stuff and not a penny
spent in the self-help Department to the
bookshop all I had to do was ask the
person and it all came flowing out women
know stuff and I’m not saying men don’t
I haven’t had the chance to ask them yet
but I’m on it that’s my next project we
are wise listen to this from a 72 year
old I love life I don’t think a day goes
by when I don’t say thank you I’m so
lucky I still think I’m 21
life is just a circle you start as a
baby move around the circle and come
back to being that child I feel a kind
of elation ask them about memories too
and I know we’ve all got millions of
them but you can be sure when you ask
the question there’s one lurking
somewhere obvious the registry of life
you know the births or deaths and
marriages and some seem to cause pause
for thought just not knowing quite what
one woman said I have many memories of
my pilgrimages on the Santiago de
Compostela trail I’d go alone most
summers it’s the experiences you have
along the way and the people you meet I
met a woman with a shaved head a natural
lady knapsack on a stick over her
shoulder a bit dick whittington she was
a proper pilgrim she slept under the
trees beneath the stars doing the walk
in a very basic way she had no fear
there were some tough memories too
another said when your husband’s died
both mine have died at home from heart
attacks I’ve had to do the kiss of life
and chest bumping twice and another lady
who worked as a traffic warden one day
was giving a disgruntled member of the
public a ticket and he turned to her and
he said I hope the kids get cancer and
die
I asked about faith not in a religious
sense but I just want to know if we had
any deeper feelings this is my favorite
I believe everything happens for a
reason you have to be quiet to allow
those feelings to come I don’t go into
my mind so much because you can miss out
on a lot if you go searching with your
mind you become tunnel visioned and
forget to acknowledge the tiniest things
I have a friend and we have an inner
knowing we don’t need to speak we
communicate somehow without words
it’s almost telepathic there’s no
superficial chat it’s a shared sense of
I love listening to all these stories in
these women I could tell you many many
more expressive stories about nesting
wrens or sweet-smelling wafts of
fragrant jasmine or the simplicity of
how a fern on fills its leaves but as is
life’s biggest problem we have a limited
time but I do want to tell you one more
thing I wanted to know what the person
in front of me thought about the
experience of sitting there for most of
the day chatting and this is a very
reason I continued and will continue to
do so it’s been very therapeutic it’s
not often you get a chance to talk about
yourself without feeling self-conscious
I love talking about myself even the
worst things talked about a less scary
it’s good to be honest and open about
oneself
I’m very rarely truly honest so for
years on and 107 women let 107 women
later I did eventually down tools and
saying my project on the women is now
over I need to start on the men but I’ve
heard so much loveliness that I decided
that I would share what I’d heard in the
form of a book now this isn’t something
I’ve ever done before I don’t come from
that sort of background my spelling is
atrocious and I haven’t really been much
more than an email my entire life so it
was possibly the most naive thing I’ve
ever said it was excruciating my
confidence plummeted I was washed with
worried insecurities and self-doubt just
like all the women I’ve spoken to but a
persevered and a persevered on a
persevered and a further three years
down the line I did produce my book so
what have I learned well take your time
slow down time is precious it takes time to understand life when we’re rushing
to understand life when we’re rushing we’re missing it I’m 50 and I’m only
we’re missing it I’m 50 and I’m only just settling in assume nothing assume
just settling in assume nothing assume nothing about anyone ever we’ve got no
nothing about anyone ever we’ve got no idea what’s led them up until that point
idea what’s led them up until that point where they’ve met you in their life and
where they’ve met you in their life and often our judgments are very clouded
often our judgments are very clouded worry is a waste of time stop it just
worry is a waste of time stop it just stop it it benefits no one and take your
stop it it benefits no one and take your time to listen when you feel like
time to listen when you feel like isolated lonely and down in the dumps
isolated lonely and down in the dumps listening connects us not only listen to
listening connects us not only listen to each other but listen to yourself find
each other but listen to yourself find out who you are it’s good for the soul
out who you are it’s good for the soul it’s been said generally speaking you’re
it’s been said generally speaking you’re not learning much when your lips are
not learning much when your lips are moving and I know I might have been
moving and I know I might have been moving a lot so I hope you’ve been
moving a lot so I hope you’ve been learning something and feel encouraged
learning something and feel encouraged to step outside your comfort zone it’s
to step outside your comfort zone it’s not comfortable that’s the whole point
not comfortable that’s the whole point and I do think it makes you for a more
and I do think it makes you for a more compassionate human being so remember
compassionate human being so remember next time you’re having a conversation
next time you’re having a conversation and you notice your lips are doing
and you notice your lips are doing muscle moving stop
listen you’ll be amazed what you hear thank you very much
thank you very much [Applause]
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