currently in graduate school dated
having held multiple jobs and travel to
dozens of countries I always ask myself
one question when I’m done with all
these activities and that is what has
been the best part about what I just
experienced now there’s a plethora of
things I could choose from and I can
guarantee you it’s not the sleepless
nights I’ve had for work for school it’s
not traveling 18 hours to go to another
country but it always comes down to the
relationships that I’ve formed to the
people to the people that I’ve cried
with to the people who I’ve smiled with
and to the people who have laughed with
but this can be a little bit of a
challenge for us in today’s day and age
because I think a lot of us are
continuously trying to go towards the
next goal reach the next level of
competition but what happens when we
reach those goals are we happy are we
there are two questions that I would
like to start off with today and by a
show of hands how many people here would
be upset would be angry if you were
speaking to someone face to face and you
can tell that although they’re
physically present their mind is
somewhere else
they’re daydreaming and it makes you
feel like you’re not valued it makes you
feel like you’re not important can I
have a show of hands to see who would
feel that way because I know I would all
right perfect perfect I like the hands
right away right away next question is
as a graduate student I spend a lot of
time in coffee shops and I’ve realized
that this is a great place to go and
observe people so once again by a show
of hands how many of us have maybe been
bombarded with so many things that we
have going on with we have to think
about our kids over here we have to
think about our partner over here we
have to think oh my gosh we have 20 text
messages to reply to 30 calls to respond
back to so by the time we get to the
barista and they say hey how are you may
I take your order you’re you’re so
caught up in this and you just a
I’m good can I get a nonfat latte please
and then you just go about your day have
any of us done that we’ve been so caught
up in our own life and I know I have so
I’m going to raise my hand from the
beginning perfect I see some people
raising their hand I see some people
nodding so I’ll take the knowledge of
the yes also so I’d like to now provide
an alternative example that happened to
me a few weeks ago I walked into a
coffee shop and there were nine people
in there and just as we’ve stated all
nine people were on their phone or their
computer so I walked in and I said you
know what my phone’s going in my pocket
I walked straight up to the barista and
I said hey Courtney what’s been the best
part about your day and she looked up at
you she just goes just startled takes a
step back and at this point I’m kind of
worried for the girl so I leaned in and
I say are are you okay and at this point
it’s she’s looking at me like I’m a
total creeper to begin with to know her
name
so she leans in with closed-off body
language and says you know my name and
I’m startled I take a step back and I
say Courtney you have a nametag you have
a nametag
and at this point she looked down it in
she said oh you’re right
and I’ll never forget this because at
this point I realized that it’s not
communication that we’re lacking as
human beings but it’s the human
connection because Courtney and I for
ten minutes after this spoke about
nothing in relation to coffee nothing we
spoke about life we spoke about our
relationships and at the end of those
ten minutes she said you know what
Armando best part about my day is
actually was actually right now just
talking to you and she looked at me she
said it’s a little sad that I’ve been
here for seven hours and this is the
first time someone has called me by name
first time and she has a nametag and she
said you know anything you want on the
menu it’s on me so I’m thinking all
right I got a free coffee but more
importantly this girl and I we both made
each other’s day
but once again who can blame us right
because we live in a society where we
choose to go on social media to talk to
random people and we don’t even talk to
the people in our own home or what about
some of us who maybe walk around with
smiles on our faces prideful when in
reality we’re just dying inside asking
for someone to come help for someone to
be there there was a study done by the
National Science Foundation from Duke
University in the University of Arizona
and they took 1,500 people from a random
sample population in the United States
and they wanted to know who they felt
like they could talk to so they asked
them a simple question who can you talk
to or who do you feel you can talk to
you about your successes and your
failures out of 1,500 people 25% of them
felt as though they had no one to talk
to no one and so they decided to take
this a step further and they asked them
who do you feel you can talk to
excluding your family and when they
asked that question that 25% jumped up
to 50% 50% of people felt as though they
had no one to talk to and this as a
future health care practitioner is an
epidemic there is no way that this
should be this way so I started thinking
to myself even after I left the coffee
shop how can we solve this how can we
think about actually not just getting a
temporary solution but a permanent one
so as I started thinking I started going
back to see how to solve it and I
thought through conversation because we
have relationships but how do how does a
relationship start through conversation
and so I actually came up with a
three-step process that I take every
conversation on and that’s what I’d like
to take all of you on today so before we
begin on that actually we must know that
every conversation we have is going to
leave the other person feeling a little
bit better or a little worse and with
Cortney and I we both left each other
feeling a heck of a lot better and all
it took was 10 minutes 10 minutes and it
cost both of us nothing
so a lot of times when we start
conversations I’m curious to see how we
feel about this is I have my friends
come up and say hey what’s up man how
you doing what’s going on and what is
this require of me or of us it requires
a thoughtless one-word response my first
year in college I was asked thousands of
times where are you from what’s your
major it became automatic it became a
nuisance to talk to people and I see
people smile and so I’ll take that as we
all in agreement here and so the way I
thought we have to start conversations
differently so then it clicked one day
and the way we should start in the way I
start now is by asking something very
simple just what has been the best part
about your day
what has been the best part about your
day so what does this require people to
do this requires first off you’re going
to startle everyone because people don’t
start conversations this way secondly
more often I’ll have people look at me
no sir good question what has been the
best part about my day and they’re even
shocked and I’ve had people look at me
and say you know what Armando best part
was actually having this pizza lunch new
pizza place right next to work and I’ve
been dying to try it was awesome and I
had someone else
two weeks ago look at me and say best
part is I actually was working out of
the country for the last two weeks and
today I got to see my family for the
first time in two weeks and it was
amazing how much more did I get from
that then if I just ask someone hey
what’s up hey what’s going on and even
more from a physiological standpoint
when you ask someone such a
thought-provoking question to begin with
and they feel this euphoric feeling
they’re increasing dopamine in their
brain which is the neurotransmitter in
charge of your reward centers your
emotional regulation and your
pleasurable centers so they feel happy
they feel good and they have to
associate that with something and who
are they going to associate that with
they’re going to associate it with you
because you’re the one who asked the
question so now moving on the step
number two step number two is where some
people can find some contradictions and
I
like this because I think growing up I
was always taught to make small talk
with people go to a networking event and
look at their badge and say oh this and
just just skim briefly about who they
really are ask questions to know but not
questions to understand and you might
know that I want to be a physician but
do you understand why I want to be a
physician there’s a difference here and
so for step number two I say ignore
small talk it’s non-existent ignore
small talk and ask open-ended questions
because when we ask open-ended questions
to go back to my previous example of the
guy who told me that he got to see his
family for the first time in two weeks
my next question was so tell me about
your family
because when I asked him this and
someone asked an open-ended question
they’re not really sure when they’ve
answered it so they tend to just kind of
talk and talk and talk and when they
talk they give you more information than
necessary but if you are listening you
can extrapolate exactly what you need to
continue the conversation and continue a
natural progression so he said you know
what when I asked him he said I’m
excited because I get to see my two sons
and we love playing baseball and the
Dodgers are about to start so was my
next question
what are your son’s names tell me about
them why do they like baseball and when
I’m trying to get across here is that it
doesn’t have to be an interview style
and it doesn’t have to be someone
looking at you and saying tell me your
deepest darkest secret but what it is is
just a natural flow from Step a to step
B to step C to step D and before they
know it and you know what you’ve both
have had such an amazing conversation
that they want nothing else but to stay
talking to you and it’s very rare
nowadays to have someone help you feel
valued understood and loved so when you
can help someone feel this I’m telling
you they will move mountains for you
mountains and now for the third step and
this one is where I was struggling a
little because as I meet more people I
forget people’s names I’m not great with
names I’m not great with sometimes
remember
little details maybe they told me their
son’s birthday and I probably forgot it
right after the conversation so I
thought how am I going to come up with a
system to remember people so what I did
is I actually take my phone out at the
end of every conversation and I will
just go on my voice recorder and I’ll
regurgitate everything I remember from
the conversation so for example if I
meet someone today by the name of Todd
I’ll go on my phone and I say Todd TEDx
youth Alamitos Bay March 25th has a wife
to marry for 27 years has two kids
one is in elementary school the other
one’s in high school these were their
names is worried because daughter
doesn’t work she’s going to college but
they’re going on vacation in three weeks
and so I think we get the picture here
that I’ll record that are recorded in my
phone save it in my computer under a
file whose name is just simply Todd TEDx
so next time I might meet Todd I’ll go
on my computer listen to this file a few
times and I will continue the
conversation with this guy the exact
same place that I left it days weeks or
months ago and I’m telling you I’ve had
people look at me and say I never told
you that how do you know that about me
and I only told me last time oh yeah
you’re right you’re right and I’ve had
people look at me and say wow you have a
great memory you must do great in school
and it’s like a great memory I just do
something a little bit different that
people don’t do I have dozens of files
on my computer of people that I meet and
it allows for us to create this sort of
reciprocity in the best example I can
also give with this is when dating
someone I think a lot of times we try to
put our best foot up front right at the
beginning right at the beginning we’re
opening doors we’re doing everything we
possibly can to appear in this picture
perfer perfect image but as time goes on
we forget that we did these things we
forget that this is what helped us fall
in love to begin with so something that
I did and even with my current
relationship as I recorded everything
this woman said and I have files on her
because I can go and I can say okay this
is what she likes three years down the
road
this is not this is not what she likes
so don’t do this Armando or like this is
perfect so let’s go over here don’t step
in this boundary because you know how
she’s going to get and so it it becomes
it becomes a tactic and seeing someone
so happy and so overjoyed and you’re the
person who brought that feeling to them
is something that nothing else can do
I’ve had great grades I’ve had great
test scores and I’m telling you at the
end of the day everyone a lot of people
I know have great accolades but can they
make someone feel so special to the
point that they’re going to want to stay
there so at the end of the day why
should we care about conversations and
I’ll tell you we should care because the
world revolves around relationships and
relationships start with conversation
once again if my friend wants to ask the
pretty girl out he’s got to find a way
to persuade her as to why he’s the best
candidate if I have another friend who
wants to ask their boss for a raise how
are they going to do that they’re going
to try to find their boss at the best
moment best moment why ask their boss on
a bad day and people don’t understand
this and so when you do these things
things align to what has been the best
part of your day to having a natural
progression and a natural flow to
recording so that at the end you know
exactly who that person is and you
understand them more importantly only
then will our life be truly transformed
so once again I’d like for all of us to
remember to treat every conversation
like a first date thank you very much
[Applause] [Music]
having held multiple jobs and travel to
dozens of countries I always ask myself
one question when I’m done with all
these activities and that is what has
been the best part about what I just
experienced now there’s a plethora of
things I could choose from and I can
guarantee you it’s not the sleepless
nights I’ve had for work for school it’s
not traveling 18 hours to go to another
country but it always comes down to the
relationships that I’ve formed to the
people to the people that I’ve cried
with to the people who I’ve smiled with
and to the people who have laughed with
but this can be a little bit of a
challenge for us in today’s day and age
because I think a lot of us are
continuously trying to go towards the
next goal reach the next level of
competition but what happens when we
reach those goals are we happy are we
there are two questions that I would
like to start off with today and by a
show of hands how many people here would
be upset would be angry if you were
speaking to someone face to face and you
can tell that although they’re
physically present their mind is
somewhere else
they’re daydreaming and it makes you
feel like you’re not valued it makes you
feel like you’re not important can I
have a show of hands to see who would
feel that way because I know I would all
right perfect perfect I like the hands
right away right away next question is
as a graduate student I spend a lot of
time in coffee shops and I’ve realized
that this is a great place to go and
observe people so once again by a show
of hands how many of us have maybe been
bombarded with so many things that we
have going on with we have to think
about our kids over here we have to
think about our partner over here we
have to think oh my gosh we have 20 text
messages to reply to 30 calls to respond
back to so by the time we get to the
barista and they say hey how are you may
I take your order you’re you’re so
caught up in this and you just a
I’m good can I get a nonfat latte please
and then you just go about your day have
any of us done that we’ve been so caught
up in our own life and I know I have so
I’m going to raise my hand from the
beginning perfect I see some people
raising their hand I see some people
nodding so I’ll take the knowledge of
the yes also so I’d like to now provide
an alternative example that happened to
me a few weeks ago I walked into a
coffee shop and there were nine people
in there and just as we’ve stated all
nine people were on their phone or their
computer so I walked in and I said you
know what my phone’s going in my pocket
I walked straight up to the barista and
I said hey Courtney what’s been the best
part about your day and she looked up at
you she just goes just startled takes a
step back and at this point I’m kind of
worried for the girl so I leaned in and
I say are are you okay and at this point
it’s she’s looking at me like I’m a
total creeper to begin with to know her
name
so she leans in with closed-off body
language and says you know my name and
I’m startled I take a step back and I
say Courtney you have a nametag you have
a nametag
and at this point she looked down it in
she said oh you’re right
and I’ll never forget this because at
this point I realized that it’s not
communication that we’re lacking as
human beings but it’s the human
connection because Courtney and I for
ten minutes after this spoke about
nothing in relation to coffee nothing we
spoke about life we spoke about our
relationships and at the end of those
ten minutes she said you know what
Armando best part about my day is
actually was actually right now just
talking to you and she looked at me she
said it’s a little sad that I’ve been
here for seven hours and this is the
first time someone has called me by name
first time and she has a nametag and she
said you know anything you want on the
menu it’s on me so I’m thinking all
right I got a free coffee but more
importantly this girl and I we both made
each other’s day
but once again who can blame us right
because we live in a society where we
choose to go on social media to talk to
random people and we don’t even talk to
the people in our own home or what about
some of us who maybe walk around with
smiles on our faces prideful when in
reality we’re just dying inside asking
for someone to come help for someone to
be there there was a study done by the
National Science Foundation from Duke
University in the University of Arizona
and they took 1,500 people from a random
sample population in the United States
and they wanted to know who they felt
like they could talk to so they asked
them a simple question who can you talk
to or who do you feel you can talk to
you about your successes and your
failures out of 1,500 people 25% of them
felt as though they had no one to talk
to no one and so they decided to take
this a step further and they asked them
who do you feel you can talk to
excluding your family and when they
asked that question that 25% jumped up
to 50% 50% of people felt as though they
had no one to talk to and this as a
future health care practitioner is an
epidemic there is no way that this
should be this way so I started thinking
to myself even after I left the coffee
shop how can we solve this how can we
think about actually not just getting a
temporary solution but a permanent one
so as I started thinking I started going
back to see how to solve it and I
thought through conversation because we
have relationships but how do how does a
relationship start through conversation
and so I actually came up with a
three-step process that I take every
conversation on and that’s what I’d like
to take all of you on today so before we
begin on that actually we must know that
every conversation we have is going to
leave the other person feeling a little
bit better or a little worse and with
Cortney and I we both left each other
feeling a heck of a lot better and all
it took was 10 minutes 10 minutes and it
cost both of us nothing
so a lot of times when we start
conversations I’m curious to see how we
feel about this is I have my friends
come up and say hey what’s up man how
you doing what’s going on and what is
this require of me or of us it requires
a thoughtless one-word response my first
year in college I was asked thousands of
times where are you from what’s your
major it became automatic it became a
nuisance to talk to people and I see
people smile and so I’ll take that as we
all in agreement here and so the way I
thought we have to start conversations
differently so then it clicked one day
and the way we should start in the way I
start now is by asking something very
simple just what has been the best part
about your day
what has been the best part about your
day so what does this require people to
do this requires first off you’re going
to startle everyone because people don’t
start conversations this way secondly
more often I’ll have people look at me
no sir good question what has been the
best part about my day and they’re even
shocked and I’ve had people look at me
and say you know what Armando best part
was actually having this pizza lunch new
pizza place right next to work and I’ve
been dying to try it was awesome and I
had someone else
two weeks ago look at me and say best
part is I actually was working out of
the country for the last two weeks and
today I got to see my family for the
first time in two weeks and it was
amazing how much more did I get from
that then if I just ask someone hey
what’s up hey what’s going on and even
more from a physiological standpoint
when you ask someone such a
thought-provoking question to begin with
and they feel this euphoric feeling
they’re increasing dopamine in their
brain which is the neurotransmitter in
charge of your reward centers your
emotional regulation and your
pleasurable centers so they feel happy
they feel good and they have to
associate that with something and who
are they going to associate that with
they’re going to associate it with you
because you’re the one who asked the
question so now moving on the step
number two step number two is where some
people can find some contradictions and
I
like this because I think growing up I
was always taught to make small talk
with people go to a networking event and
look at their badge and say oh this and
just just skim briefly about who they
really are ask questions to know but not
questions to understand and you might
know that I want to be a physician but
do you understand why I want to be a
physician there’s a difference here and
so for step number two I say ignore
small talk it’s non-existent ignore
small talk and ask open-ended questions
because when we ask open-ended questions
to go back to my previous example of the
guy who told me that he got to see his
family for the first time in two weeks
my next question was so tell me about
your family
because when I asked him this and
someone asked an open-ended question
they’re not really sure when they’ve
answered it so they tend to just kind of
talk and talk and talk and when they
talk they give you more information than
necessary but if you are listening you
can extrapolate exactly what you need to
continue the conversation and continue a
natural progression so he said you know
what when I asked him he said I’m
excited because I get to see my two sons
and we love playing baseball and the
Dodgers are about to start so was my
next question
what are your son’s names tell me about
them why do they like baseball and when
I’m trying to get across here is that it
doesn’t have to be an interview style
and it doesn’t have to be someone
looking at you and saying tell me your
deepest darkest secret but what it is is
just a natural flow from Step a to step
B to step C to step D and before they
know it and you know what you’ve both
have had such an amazing conversation
that they want nothing else but to stay
talking to you and it’s very rare
nowadays to have someone help you feel
valued understood and loved so when you
can help someone feel this I’m telling
you they will move mountains for you
mountains and now for the third step and
this one is where I was struggling a
little because as I meet more people I
forget people’s names I’m not great with
names I’m not great with sometimes
remember
little details maybe they told me their
son’s birthday and I probably forgot it
right after the conversation so I
thought how am I going to come up with a
system to remember people so what I did
is I actually take my phone out at the
end of every conversation and I will
just go on my voice recorder and I’ll
regurgitate everything I remember from
the conversation so for example if I
meet someone today by the name of Todd
I’ll go on my phone and I say Todd TEDx
youth Alamitos Bay March 25th has a wife
to marry for 27 years has two kids
one is in elementary school the other
one’s in high school these were their
names is worried because daughter
doesn’t work she’s going to college but
they’re going on vacation in three weeks
and so I think we get the picture here
that I’ll record that are recorded in my
phone save it in my computer under a
file whose name is just simply Todd TEDx
so next time I might meet Todd I’ll go
on my computer listen to this file a few
times and I will continue the
conversation with this guy the exact
same place that I left it days weeks or
months ago and I’m telling you I’ve had
people look at me and say I never told
you that how do you know that about me
and I only told me last time oh yeah
you’re right you’re right and I’ve had
people look at me and say wow you have a
great memory you must do great in school
and it’s like a great memory I just do
something a little bit different that
people don’t do I have dozens of files
on my computer of people that I meet and
it allows for us to create this sort of
reciprocity in the best example I can
also give with this is when dating
someone I think a lot of times we try to
put our best foot up front right at the
beginning right at the beginning we’re
opening doors we’re doing everything we
possibly can to appear in this picture
perfer perfect image but as time goes on
we forget that we did these things we
forget that this is what helped us fall
in love to begin with so something that
I did and even with my current
relationship as I recorded everything
this woman said and I have files on her
because I can go and I can say okay this
is what she likes three years down the
road
this is not this is not what she likes
so don’t do this Armando or like this is
perfect so let’s go over here don’t step
in this boundary because you know how
she’s going to get and so it it becomes
it becomes a tactic and seeing someone
so happy and so overjoyed and you’re the
person who brought that feeling to them
is something that nothing else can do
I’ve had great grades I’ve had great
test scores and I’m telling you at the
end of the day everyone a lot of people
I know have great accolades but can they
make someone feel so special to the
point that they’re going to want to stay
there so at the end of the day why
should we care about conversations and
I’ll tell you we should care because the
world revolves around relationships and
relationships start with conversation
once again if my friend wants to ask the
pretty girl out he’s got to find a way
to persuade her as to why he’s the best
candidate if I have another friend who
wants to ask their boss for a raise how
are they going to do that they’re going
to try to find their boss at the best
moment best moment why ask their boss on
a bad day and people don’t understand
this and so when you do these things
things align to what has been the best
part of your day to having a natural
progression and a natural flow to
recording so that at the end you know
exactly who that person is and you
understand them more importantly only
then will our life be truly transformed
so once again I’d like for all of us to
remember to treat every conversation
like a first date thank you very much
[Applause] [Music]
Please follow and like us: