we all have closets to come out of ways
that we are bigger than we let on acting
humble when we’re actually very
confident brushing off a casual
compliment for fear of seeming too full
of ourselves dreams that we don’t even
let others know about our sexual
orientation a secret desire there are
many ways we keep parts of ourselves
hidden sometimes knowingly sometimes not
but very often we keep the best of
ourselves hidden no matter how brightly
we shine or our levels of success we
achieve unconvinced many of us keep
significant parts of ourselves locked up
kept in a closet just waiting to come
out every time I see the commercial by a
certain credit card company that asks
what’s in your wallet I want to ask
what’s in your closet so what is in your
closet what parts of yourself are you
holding back and how would you like to
go beyond what you currently believe
you’re capable of now I know many of us
are fully aware that we’re holding parts
of ourselves back and some of us have no
idea and some of us are confident that
we’re living up to all that we’re
capable of even exceeding our
expectations and therein lies the closet
maker expectation expectation by
definition is a predetermined outcome so
how do you go beyond your current
expectations of what you’re holding for
yourself our expectations set us up for
a strong belief that something’s going
to look a certain way in the future like
the walls of a closet our expectations
surround us with boundaries
our expectations set us up for these
these strong beliefs that things are
gonna look a certain way in the future
and in fact most of us grew up with a
set of societal expectations that
actually look exactly like we expect as
adolescents we’re expected to get a job
most of us do is as new adults we are
expect to go out into the world and
accomplish big things most of us do as
grown-ups we’re expected to get married
and have children most of us do and for
some of us our families may have more
specific expectations for these outcomes
like the type of job we should get the
type of person we should marry even the
number of children we should have
expectations are set all the time
sometimes imposed on us by others most
often set by ourselves and sometimes we
rise to meet these expectations and
sometimes we rebel against them but
almost always we’re disappointed if we
don’t reach the imaginary boundary set
by an expectation you see the problem is
somewhere along the way we buy into
these expectations we allow these
expectations to predetermine the
outcomes of our lives how far we think
we can go what we think we’re capable of
the levels of success we can achieve the
amount of happiness we think we deserve
even the compromises we make in life we
learn to take the good with the bad or
is it really the bad with the good
because all that is good or could be
good in our lives is limited by the
expectations we set for ourselves this
is a pretty typical family photo from
the 70s my mom’s Marlo Thomas hair
my dad’s white eye our long bangs and
short pants although I’m not convinced
those short pants was an intended
but I see something else when I look at
this photo I see a young boy trying to
pull away from everyone else I see a
young boy withdrawn and afraid who often
resorted to creating his own world as a
child I would gather up all the ceramic
figurines that my mom had painted that
were all around the house and I would
strategically place them at the base of
a tree where I imagined the roots grew
I would create an entire world above
ground but wishing that I and all these
ceramic figurines lived underground
hiding always wanting to be a few feet
from everyone else in this photo I see a
young boy who felt like he didn’t belong
who didn’t expect much of himself now
maybe you don’t know what it feels like
to feel like you don’t belong or maybe
you do or maybe you’re like countless
people I’ve spoken to that have said
they felt like the black sheep and their
family not sure how far they could go in
life not sure what to expect of
themselves or hey maybe you were one of
the lucky ones the confident ones you
know the cool kids the cafeteria table
who were positive they would blow away
everyone’s expectations doesn’t matter
really because we all have closets to
come out of whether we feel limited by
our own expectations or limited by the
expectations of others or we thought the
sky was the limit at the end of the day
an expectation is still a predetermined
outcome so no matter how far we think
we’re gonna go there big the goals were
gonna set for ourselves no matter how
much we think we’re gonna exceed the our
expectations the fact that matter is
it’s just a step or two beyond what we
predetermined for capable of we’ve
predetermined the outcome creating sort
of these these glass ceilings in our
lives that we often bump up against that
maybe we put a crack in it or at best we
bust through and we stand proudly atop
the glass ceiling
but there we are just a step or two
beyond what we predetermined if we’re
capable of and there’s more in you
there’s more in all of us just waiting
to come out so how then can we break
free of these limiting expectations and
live a life bigger than we ever imagined
perhaps even to what I call a life of
awe a life were you’re awestruck at how
far you come how can you break free and
finally live up to your full potential
or for that matter I learned to live a
life that’s bigger than counting your
blessings feeling grateful and
fulfilling your dreams but a life for
you are genuinely awestruck at how far
you’ve come because you know what for
the young boy or girl who start out in
life and feeling like they didn’t belong
they may not have very high expectations
for themselves but think about it
regardless of our starting points in
life it’s the expectations we have for
ourselves the expectations others have
for us that keeps us living in a closet
I certainly didn’t expect to come out of
the closet at 44 years old after having
been married and raised three kids and
when I did my mom said to me in the only
way my mom could she said do you think
it’s because you moved to New York City
[Laughter]
I said no mom I promise you I’m not gay
because I moved to New York City but you
know what
she wasn’t entirely wrong because it was
the first time I had ever lived amongst
such a diverse community of people
people who would ask really probing
questions like are you sure you’re not
could you be maybe this collision
between our own limiting expectations
and the fact that others can see more in
us than we can see in ourselves is what
I call validation paradox the paradox is
that while we’re trying to find our true
selves and all that we’re capable of we
are inherently limited by our own
predetermined expectations we actually
need others who can see more in us than
we can see in ourselves to bring out our
best we actually need others to unlock
and open the door to our own closets in
in Africa there’s a term in Boone –
which loosely translates to I am I
because of we this ancient term
understood all along that who we become
as a result the people around us that we
need to surround ourselves with people
who can see more in us than we can see
in ourselves who can see our potential
who can see us for our good in our bed
who can see our greatness and believe
them think about how many times we’ve
heard stories of people coming out
proclaiming their new truth and no one
around them is shocked saying things
like I kind of knew that I was waiting
for you to figure it out how many times
have you heard stories of people who
defy the odds only to thank their
teacher or mentor for seeing more in
them than they saw in themselves how
many times have we seen Oscar Award
recipients thanked their peers in their
community for helping them become who
they
are maybe these closets we think we’re
hiding in our more like glass shower
stalls fogged up but far more
translucent than we realized
look I don’t have any answers here
coming out of the closet is hard
reaching your greatness may be
challenging I just know that when we
hold on
too tightly to the way we expect life to
look it rarely does but when we lean
into the strengths of others when we
hear their words of praise and their
voices of confidence and we let them see
us for our good and our bad and all that
we are it opens the door to an
unimaginable amount of awe because when
we dream alone even our high as
divisions for ourselves are limited by
our expectations even our biggest goals
are too small so what’s in your closet
what expectations might be holding you
back what parts of yourself are you
ready to let shine bigger brighter and
bolder than ever before what glass
ceilings are you ready to shatter and
let others set the bar for you because
they can see more in you than you’ve
seen yourself so go ahead come on out
thank you
[Music] you
that we are bigger than we let on acting
humble when we’re actually very
confident brushing off a casual
compliment for fear of seeming too full
of ourselves dreams that we don’t even
let others know about our sexual
orientation a secret desire there are
many ways we keep parts of ourselves
hidden sometimes knowingly sometimes not
but very often we keep the best of
ourselves hidden no matter how brightly
we shine or our levels of success we
achieve unconvinced many of us keep
significant parts of ourselves locked up
kept in a closet just waiting to come
out every time I see the commercial by a
certain credit card company that asks
what’s in your wallet I want to ask
what’s in your closet so what is in your
closet what parts of yourself are you
holding back and how would you like to
go beyond what you currently believe
you’re capable of now I know many of us
are fully aware that we’re holding parts
of ourselves back and some of us have no
idea and some of us are confident that
we’re living up to all that we’re
capable of even exceeding our
expectations and therein lies the closet
maker expectation expectation by
definition is a predetermined outcome so
how do you go beyond your current
expectations of what you’re holding for
yourself our expectations set us up for
a strong belief that something’s going
to look a certain way in the future like
the walls of a closet our expectations
surround us with boundaries
our expectations set us up for these
these strong beliefs that things are
gonna look a certain way in the future
and in fact most of us grew up with a
set of societal expectations that
actually look exactly like we expect as
adolescents we’re expected to get a job
most of us do is as new adults we are
expect to go out into the world and
accomplish big things most of us do as
grown-ups we’re expected to get married
and have children most of us do and for
some of us our families may have more
specific expectations for these outcomes
like the type of job we should get the
type of person we should marry even the
number of children we should have
expectations are set all the time
sometimes imposed on us by others most
often set by ourselves and sometimes we
rise to meet these expectations and
sometimes we rebel against them but
almost always we’re disappointed if we
don’t reach the imaginary boundary set
by an expectation you see the problem is
somewhere along the way we buy into
these expectations we allow these
expectations to predetermine the
outcomes of our lives how far we think
we can go what we think we’re capable of
the levels of success we can achieve the
amount of happiness we think we deserve
even the compromises we make in life we
learn to take the good with the bad or
is it really the bad with the good
because all that is good or could be
good in our lives is limited by the
expectations we set for ourselves this
is a pretty typical family photo from
the 70s my mom’s Marlo Thomas hair
my dad’s white eye our long bangs and
short pants although I’m not convinced
those short pants was an intended
but I see something else when I look at
this photo I see a young boy trying to
pull away from everyone else I see a
young boy withdrawn and afraid who often
resorted to creating his own world as a
child I would gather up all the ceramic
figurines that my mom had painted that
were all around the house and I would
strategically place them at the base of
a tree where I imagined the roots grew
I would create an entire world above
ground but wishing that I and all these
ceramic figurines lived underground
hiding always wanting to be a few feet
from everyone else in this photo I see a
young boy who felt like he didn’t belong
who didn’t expect much of himself now
maybe you don’t know what it feels like
to feel like you don’t belong or maybe
you do or maybe you’re like countless
people I’ve spoken to that have said
they felt like the black sheep and their
family not sure how far they could go in
life not sure what to expect of
themselves or hey maybe you were one of
the lucky ones the confident ones you
know the cool kids the cafeteria table
who were positive they would blow away
everyone’s expectations doesn’t matter
really because we all have closets to
come out of whether we feel limited by
our own expectations or limited by the
expectations of others or we thought the
sky was the limit at the end of the day
an expectation is still a predetermined
outcome so no matter how far we think
we’re gonna go there big the goals were
gonna set for ourselves no matter how
much we think we’re gonna exceed the our
expectations the fact that matter is
it’s just a step or two beyond what we
predetermined for capable of we’ve
predetermined the outcome creating sort
of these these glass ceilings in our
lives that we often bump up against that
maybe we put a crack in it or at best we
bust through and we stand proudly atop
the glass ceiling
but there we are just a step or two
beyond what we predetermined if we’re
capable of and there’s more in you
there’s more in all of us just waiting
to come out so how then can we break
free of these limiting expectations and
live a life bigger than we ever imagined
perhaps even to what I call a life of
awe a life were you’re awestruck at how
far you come how can you break free and
finally live up to your full potential
or for that matter I learned to live a
life that’s bigger than counting your
blessings feeling grateful and
fulfilling your dreams but a life for
you are genuinely awestruck at how far
you’ve come because you know what for
the young boy or girl who start out in
life and feeling like they didn’t belong
they may not have very high expectations
for themselves but think about it
regardless of our starting points in
life it’s the expectations we have for
ourselves the expectations others have
for us that keeps us living in a closet
I certainly didn’t expect to come out of
the closet at 44 years old after having
been married and raised three kids and
when I did my mom said to me in the only
way my mom could she said do you think
it’s because you moved to New York City
[Laughter]
I said no mom I promise you I’m not gay
because I moved to New York City but you
know what
she wasn’t entirely wrong because it was
the first time I had ever lived amongst
such a diverse community of people
people who would ask really probing
questions like are you sure you’re not
could you be maybe this collision
between our own limiting expectations
and the fact that others can see more in
us than we can see in ourselves is what
I call validation paradox the paradox is
that while we’re trying to find our true
selves and all that we’re capable of we
are inherently limited by our own
predetermined expectations we actually
need others who can see more in us than
we can see in ourselves to bring out our
best we actually need others to unlock
and open the door to our own closets in
in Africa there’s a term in Boone –
which loosely translates to I am I
because of we this ancient term
understood all along that who we become
as a result the people around us that we
need to surround ourselves with people
who can see more in us than we can see
in ourselves who can see our potential
who can see us for our good in our bed
who can see our greatness and believe
them think about how many times we’ve
heard stories of people coming out
proclaiming their new truth and no one
around them is shocked saying things
like I kind of knew that I was waiting
for you to figure it out how many times
have you heard stories of people who
defy the odds only to thank their
teacher or mentor for seeing more in
them than they saw in themselves how
many times have we seen Oscar Award
recipients thanked their peers in their
community for helping them become who
they
are maybe these closets we think we’re
hiding in our more like glass shower
stalls fogged up but far more
translucent than we realized
look I don’t have any answers here
coming out of the closet is hard
reaching your greatness may be
challenging I just know that when we
hold on
too tightly to the way we expect life to
look it rarely does but when we lean
into the strengths of others when we
hear their words of praise and their
voices of confidence and we let them see
us for our good and our bad and all that
we are it opens the door to an
unimaginable amount of awe because when
we dream alone even our high as
divisions for ourselves are limited by
our expectations even our biggest goals
are too small so what’s in your closet
what expectations might be holding you
back what parts of yourself are you
ready to let shine bigger brighter and
bolder than ever before what glass
ceilings are you ready to shatter and
let others set the bar for you because
they can see more in you than you’ve
seen yourself so go ahead come on out
thank you
[Music] you
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