it’s been five years since 2012
when I hit rock bottom I was going
through a lot of difficulties in my
marriage and then I suffered the first
episode of what would later be diagnosed
as bipolar complex disorder at rock
bottom I thought I was worthless yes
it’s been five years and I am a
different woman now a new creation
through a lot of Bible reading and
prayer I came to know that I am NOT
worthless I am priceless
and the question whether I am worthless
or priceless depends on what I know
about myself and not what others think
of me I hold a PhD in being myself hello
everyone I am here to talk to you about
something very beautiful that I call the
priceless mentality when I hit rock
bottom I was struggling to manage
damaging relationships damaging habits
and the stereotypes that come with being
a black African married career woman
I have broken down what I am going to
tell you into three stages in order to
explain the process that I went through
to save myself from myself the three
stages are just four explanatory
purposes they do not happen
consecutively in fact you can take that
they happen concurrently the first stage
is equipping myself the second stage
searching for myself and the third stage
living as myself now let me take you
back a little to give you a picture of
where I started off now I loved my
mother dearly and I was very protective
of her but when I was an infant my
father separated me and my two brothers
from our mother and shut her out of our
lives completely and then my mother
suffered severe mental illness and lived
in destitution for as long as I was
growing up so man when I was diagnosed
with a mental condition I was terrified
I thought my life would take the same
turn as my mother’s when I suffered that
first episode I found myself in a
hospital
shouting at the doctors and other
patients telling them about my husband’s
infidelity and asking them to tell that
man to say sorry for what he had done to
me the response I got was that I was
tranquilized the next morning when I
woke up the first person for me to see
was the same psychiatrist I had hired to
treat my mother sitting there coming to
treat me that was an aha moment for me
but I am very thankful for the example
my mother set for me oh my god I was not
going to give up and I was not going to
give in I was going to fight to make
sure that my family history did not
repeat itself I told myself the same
power that I had used to create this
hellhole that I now was in is the very
same power that I will use to destroy
this hellhole and build for myself sane
heaven I’m also thankful for all the
years of practicing law that I had under
my belt at the time I I had practiced
for about 15 years and lawyers jobs to
look at information lots of information
organize it put it together and come up
with a sure solution
and so I had that gift so that’s where I
started so now let’s move on to the
three stages equipping myself searching
for myself
and living as myself equipping myself
involved developing tools that would
help me I came up with different words
that people use every day but I defined
them for myself in a way that I would be
able to understand them easy now as you
can imagine the most important tool for
me was sanity
now sanity i defined as the ability to
tell the difference between the truth
and a lie I knew that the biggest hurdle
I was going to face in what I was trying
to do were all the lies that I had been
telling myself for all the 38 years that
I had been alive how would I get rid of
those lies how would I even identify
them so what I did was I exercised
something very basic which is love your
neighbor as you love yourself and so I
stopped lying to other people and when I
did that I realized that in fact if I’m
not lying to others then I would not lie
to myself I insisted that I would speak
the truth no matter how embarrassing
shameful complicated or scary I told
myself the truth would be
now those tools for me began to give me
a lot of clarity in my mind and I felt
free I felt that all the buttons were
letting go of me now let’s move on to
the next stage which was searching for
myself I believe the reason why I
thought I was worthless is because there
were events in my life that I had
interpreted in such a way that I
convinced myself that I was worthless
now using the same example as my mother
for my mother my father was an extremely
generous man he was he helped so many
people but he never lifted a finger to
help my mother the message that gave me
was that he really did not love me
because if he did then he would have
helped her for my sake so then I told
myself I’m not wanted and I’m not loved
and so I’m worthless so to get myself
from feeling that way or thinking that
way I started to analyze the direction
that kind of thinking was taking me in
and what I came to see is that there
were so many things in that narrative
alone that were pretending to be my
destiny but they were not for instance
it was not my destiny to protect my
mother and it was not my destiny to end
up like her
it also was not my destiny to understand
my father or to be loved by him so I
needed to define my destiny to get away
from all these things that were giving
me obligations that I really did not
have to carry so I thought wow my
destiny must be so complicated
it must be full of heroic actions by
somebody maybe lots of romance maybe a
lot of news coverage but I decided no I
was going to simplify it to my level
where I could understand it and be able
to feel that I was walking the path of
my destiny so I told myself that my
destiny is simply to discover something
new about myself every day and to share
that what I learned with others using my
god-given talents and that is how I got
free from those things that were
pretending to be my destiny and that
takes us to the third stage which is
living as myself so to live as myself
was quite simple I just thought I’d pick
out things that I know I enjoy doing and
exploit them now the first thing I
exploited was my talent of writing I am
a good writer
so when I left my husband
i sat down and I wrote a blog called
highway to heaven and I talked about all
the abuse I went through in my marriage
I told the whole world about it and from
there the people daily approached me and
they asked me would I write for them
personal stories about what’s going on
in my life and I gladly agreed and so
I’ve been writing for them and they
published my column every Monday another
thing I knew is that I’m I’m a very
giving person very kind very generous
but I believe that kindness and generous
generosity can be misused and so in
order to direct myself in the right path
I established a charity I called it
Mary’s manger after my mother my mother
was called Mary it’s located where she
lived and died which was also where I
was born now Mary’s manger is for
helping women who are going through
abuse in their marriages it put me in a
position where I could now say that I’m
no longer in need of help
because I can reach out to others and
give them some help and that’s how I got
out of that hellhole and brought myself
to sanity it’s been five years I’m
running a thriving law firm I’m raising
three wonderful children I’m taking care
of myself I’m running my charity and all
that with something called bipolar
complex disorder which I have since
forgotten so I’m very glad
that I managed to do that now the
primary difference between a worthless
mentality and a priceless mentality is
that when I was living a worthless
mentality I was living the life that I
thought I was meant to live but when I
live the priceless mentality I am living
the life that I know I meant to live
thank you
[Applause]
when I hit rock bottom I was going
through a lot of difficulties in my
marriage and then I suffered the first
episode of what would later be diagnosed
as bipolar complex disorder at rock
bottom I thought I was worthless yes
it’s been five years and I am a
different woman now a new creation
through a lot of Bible reading and
prayer I came to know that I am NOT
worthless I am priceless
and the question whether I am worthless
or priceless depends on what I know
about myself and not what others think
of me I hold a PhD in being myself hello
everyone I am here to talk to you about
something very beautiful that I call the
priceless mentality when I hit rock
bottom I was struggling to manage
damaging relationships damaging habits
and the stereotypes that come with being
a black African married career woman
I have broken down what I am going to
tell you into three stages in order to
explain the process that I went through
to save myself from myself the three
stages are just four explanatory
purposes they do not happen
consecutively in fact you can take that
they happen concurrently the first stage
is equipping myself the second stage
searching for myself and the third stage
living as myself now let me take you
back a little to give you a picture of
where I started off now I loved my
mother dearly and I was very protective
of her but when I was an infant my
father separated me and my two brothers
from our mother and shut her out of our
lives completely and then my mother
suffered severe mental illness and lived
in destitution for as long as I was
growing up so man when I was diagnosed
with a mental condition I was terrified
I thought my life would take the same
turn as my mother’s when I suffered that
first episode I found myself in a
hospital
shouting at the doctors and other
patients telling them about my husband’s
infidelity and asking them to tell that
man to say sorry for what he had done to
me the response I got was that I was
tranquilized the next morning when I
woke up the first person for me to see
was the same psychiatrist I had hired to
treat my mother sitting there coming to
treat me that was an aha moment for me
but I am very thankful for the example
my mother set for me oh my god I was not
going to give up and I was not going to
give in I was going to fight to make
sure that my family history did not
repeat itself I told myself the same
power that I had used to create this
hellhole that I now was in is the very
same power that I will use to destroy
this hellhole and build for myself sane
heaven I’m also thankful for all the
years of practicing law that I had under
my belt at the time I I had practiced
for about 15 years and lawyers jobs to
look at information lots of information
organize it put it together and come up
with a sure solution
and so I had that gift so that’s where I
started so now let’s move on to the
three stages equipping myself searching
for myself
and living as myself equipping myself
involved developing tools that would
help me I came up with different words
that people use every day but I defined
them for myself in a way that I would be
able to understand them easy now as you
can imagine the most important tool for
me was sanity
now sanity i defined as the ability to
tell the difference between the truth
and a lie I knew that the biggest hurdle
I was going to face in what I was trying
to do were all the lies that I had been
telling myself for all the 38 years that
I had been alive how would I get rid of
those lies how would I even identify
them so what I did was I exercised
something very basic which is love your
neighbor as you love yourself and so I
stopped lying to other people and when I
did that I realized that in fact if I’m
not lying to others then I would not lie
to myself I insisted that I would speak
the truth no matter how embarrassing
shameful complicated or scary I told
myself the truth would be
now those tools for me began to give me
a lot of clarity in my mind and I felt
free I felt that all the buttons were
letting go of me now let’s move on to
the next stage which was searching for
myself I believe the reason why I
thought I was worthless is because there
were events in my life that I had
interpreted in such a way that I
convinced myself that I was worthless
now using the same example as my mother
for my mother my father was an extremely
generous man he was he helped so many
people but he never lifted a finger to
help my mother the message that gave me
was that he really did not love me
because if he did then he would have
helped her for my sake so then I told
myself I’m not wanted and I’m not loved
and so I’m worthless so to get myself
from feeling that way or thinking that
way I started to analyze the direction
that kind of thinking was taking me in
and what I came to see is that there
were so many things in that narrative
alone that were pretending to be my
destiny but they were not for instance
it was not my destiny to protect my
mother and it was not my destiny to end
up like her
it also was not my destiny to understand
my father or to be loved by him so I
needed to define my destiny to get away
from all these things that were giving
me obligations that I really did not
have to carry so I thought wow my
destiny must be so complicated
it must be full of heroic actions by
somebody maybe lots of romance maybe a
lot of news coverage but I decided no I
was going to simplify it to my level
where I could understand it and be able
to feel that I was walking the path of
my destiny so I told myself that my
destiny is simply to discover something
new about myself every day and to share
that what I learned with others using my
god-given talents and that is how I got
free from those things that were
pretending to be my destiny and that
takes us to the third stage which is
living as myself so to live as myself
was quite simple I just thought I’d pick
out things that I know I enjoy doing and
exploit them now the first thing I
exploited was my talent of writing I am
a good writer
so when I left my husband
i sat down and I wrote a blog called
highway to heaven and I talked about all
the abuse I went through in my marriage
I told the whole world about it and from
there the people daily approached me and
they asked me would I write for them
personal stories about what’s going on
in my life and I gladly agreed and so
I’ve been writing for them and they
published my column every Monday another
thing I knew is that I’m I’m a very
giving person very kind very generous
but I believe that kindness and generous
generosity can be misused and so in
order to direct myself in the right path
I established a charity I called it
Mary’s manger after my mother my mother
was called Mary it’s located where she
lived and died which was also where I
was born now Mary’s manger is for
helping women who are going through
abuse in their marriages it put me in a
position where I could now say that I’m
no longer in need of help
because I can reach out to others and
give them some help and that’s how I got
out of that hellhole and brought myself
to sanity it’s been five years I’m
running a thriving law firm I’m raising
three wonderful children I’m taking care
of myself I’m running my charity and all
that with something called bipolar
complex disorder which I have since
forgotten so I’m very glad
that I managed to do that now the
primary difference between a worthless
mentality and a priceless mentality is
that when I was living a worthless
mentality I was living the life that I
thought I was meant to live but when I
live the priceless mentality I am living
the life that I know I meant to live
thank you
[Applause]
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