so I’m gonna break a house rule please
pull out your phones I need you to go to
a website that’s going to show on your
screen so please if you would visit the
site I wonder how many of you have had
the opportunity to sit down with
somebody who’s experienced some form of
infidelity or sexual betrayal I’m a
researcher who loves to study people I
feel it gives me a better understanding
of what’s actually going on in our
society and so today I’m going to invite
you to participate me with me in a live
poll it’s anonymous and the question I
would like to ask is this have you or
someone close to you experienced
infidelity will be able to watch these
results come in live so please put your
if we go back to the address I thank you
for taking the time when I was a little
boy when I was a little boy between the
ages 6 & 7 I grew up in a small farm
community one day my mom older brother
and I were headed into town as we
approached a four-way intersection we
noticed in my dad’s car his pickup truck
was facing us heading north while we
were heading southbound as we looked we
noticed that my dad was in the car with
another woman at that point my mom got
out of the car my dad got out of his
truck and they met in the middle of the
intersection now in a small rural
community you can do that and they
talked for a few minutes and my mom came
back to the car crying a few months
later my parents divorced and that
experience was not talked about for
nearly forty years the question that we
face today is how do we respond to those
who’ve experienced infidelity what do we
say and is it possible that we could
actually do something that would be as
traumatizing as the event itself in
order to prepare for today I asked that
question I had one lady say I’m not sure
you want to share my story but her
story’s too important not to tell she
said I told my mom about my husband’s
multiple affairs and she looked at me
and she said well you know how you are
and if that wasn’t enough she went to
her father and he said that’s just what
one man he said are you kidding me I
can’t go to my friends they would tell
me to leave and I don’t want to leave
and if I went to my family they would
criticize put her down and we would
never have a relationship with them
again one lady went to her religious
leader and after hearing about her
husband’s emotional infidelity the
religious leader said I think you just
need to serve more and yeah these
responses might piss us off but we are
there with them in the trenches if they
come to us and what do we say do we say
just go spice it up in the bedroom
or do we sit with them and seek a deeper
understanding of their suffering and I
can tell you this is not hard or this is
very hard even for us as professionals
when I began in this profession I had
just received my PhD nine and a half
years of college and I had a lady come
to my office after her husband had come
in and he said I don’t know what to do I
think my wife is going crazy she’s
criticizing me and a few days earlier
she had caught him engaged in some
unwanted sexual behaviors and he did not
know what to say he did not know how to
calm her down and he said can you please
help she came into my office sitting
down almost in this rage and if you’ve
ever sat with somebody with that kind of
rage I think my whole office heard that
session that day and I realized quickly
my nine and a half years of college did
not prepare me for what she was
experiencing she hadn’t slept for days
and every time they were together there
was yelling and fighting and criticism
she said to me I can’t get the images
out of my mind they keep running over
and over and over racing and then my
kids and my friends call and they don’t
even know what’s going on and I can’t
and then she said what’s wrong with me
that everybody close to me hurts me and
finally as we were sitting there she
said there is no stopping this anxiety
when he’s gone I’m monitoring his phone
when he’s here were fighting when I’m
sleeping I’m having nightmares and I
thought okay which book did I read about
this in and I didn’t at that time I
committed to learn how to figure this
out that I might be able to be helpful
and so I was sitting with a colleague
and saying have you seen this have you
been experiencing this and she said yes
I think what they’re experiencing is
relationship trauma that’s very similar
to PTSD post traumatic stress disorder
and I thought no no no no that can’t
possibly be right that’s for War
veterans that’s for people who had
really difficult accidents or rape and
so together we put together an
assessment an online assessment and I
just let it sit online I didn’t do any
advertising or marketing but one night I
sat at my desk looking at the results
300 individuals had filled it out
anonymously and I sat down looking at
the results and I realized quickly that
their story had to be told since that
time more than 7,000 individuals have
shared their experience with infidelity
and other forms of sexual betrayal with
me that night if you could have been
with me I think it’s here might have
came to your eyes as you realized our
society is suffering deeply and we don’t
know how to respond I realized quickly
that I needed to learn more because
after that woman sat there I started
looking at the data and it did
data was so heartbreaking one individual
know thousands and today while we’re
sitting here many individuals will
discover their partners infidelity and
they will go into the symptoms I’m now
going to share with you not only are
they reliving it in their mind but if I
told you that 60% of them are having
nightmares so not only is it with them
during the day it’s with them at
nighttime and then if I said what about
avoiding friends or family members
things that they used to enjoy the park
the swimming pool the mall they can’t go
there anymore because it’s too
triggering and if I told you that that
60 to 70 percent report that they’re
avoiding people in places and then what
about that internalized belief what’s
wrong with me
why would this happen though I’m not
enough am i unlovable and if I told you
that another 60 or 70 percent also felt
that way and then I looked at this
racing mind the anxiety and now what we
call in our field hyper vigilance which
is that we’re monitoring all the time
what our spouse is doing and if I told
you that that was happening 60 to 70
percent of the time – and it quickly
would realize that if a person is
experienced infidelity there’s a high
probability that 7 out of 10 70 out of
every hundred seven hundred out of every
thousand are experiencing post-traumatic
stress symptoms now the final statistic
that I looked at that night was about
suicidal thoughts and the question was
how many of you have experienced sexual
to aside all thoughts as a result of
six out of ten have had suicidal
thoughts after their spouses sexual
so the question may be how can we help
how can we support in particular I’ve
found three things that I found most
effective in that same question when I
asked people how people responded I had
one lady say my mom just hugged me and
she said I’m gonna be here
anytime you need morning or night her
father looked at her and said no matter
what I will always love you
you’re still my star everybody needs
somebody one religious leader he said
I’m gonna be here for you I know your
spouse needs help but you need to
understand that I want to meet with you
on a regular basis to make sure you’re
okay because you matter to me and if you
need more support will get you more
support everybody needs somebody
fighting for them the next part comes
from a painful story of a woman who was
coming to a session she was a little bit
late and she was sitting in her car when
I looked out the window and talking on
the phone with her husband as she came
in she was crying and she sat down on my
couch and I just simply said I’m here
and she said my husband just told me
that he’s been sleeping with other women
in our bed damn him and I just sat with
now again I asked that question what do
you say i sat and listened but the real
change came after our session I had a
group of women who were waiting to come
visit for a group session they were
waiting in the lobby and as my client
opened the door to go set her next
appointment up I saw the look on her
face and the thought came to my mind she
can’t be alone today not today and so I
invited her to come in and I said to my
group this sweet lady had a painful
experience today a disclosure that’s
really hurtful I didn’t need to say
anything else they stood up and they
embraced her one by one and she received
the comfort and as she was getting ready
to leave they said no no no don’t leave
not now and she stayed and she heard
their stories and she shared hers and
when they were done they exchanged phone
numbers and since that time they’ve been
on hikes together they’ve ate meals
together and suddenly she has a tribe
people around her that really truly
understand so point number two is we
need people who understand us and
finally number three is our trauma needs
a voice if there’s one thing I’ve
learned in my years of research is that
we have to treat the post-traumatic
stress symptoms we need to help people
who are reliving it who are having
nightmares who are avoiding people in
places and that community did that for
her that day perhaps the most important
thing I learned though came last year
after gathering all this data I wrote a
book titled treating trauma from sexual
betrayal and little did I know
that my story which I put in the book
because it was a part of the healing
journey that I wanted to share with
those who were going through trauma as I
put my story in there little did I know
that my dad would purchase my book three
weeks after publishing the book we went
to visit my dad it was a holiday and he
was a little bit uncomfortable he took
some time and he pulled me aside and he
looked me in the eyes and he said Kevin
I’m sorry I hurt you but it didn’t stop
there
he reached out to my siblings and he
apologized to them a few weeks later we
had a family activity where my mom and
dad and their spouses were together in
my home my dad took time and he reached
out to my mom and almost 40 years later
he said I’m sorry for the hurt and pain
I created in our family now it’s our
turns if we go to this pole we can see
that most of us know somebody who has
been touched by infidelity the question
may be how are we going to respond what
are we gonna say are we gonna be there
or are we not going to be there are we
gonna reach out and say let me take your
kids let me give you a break so you can
our challenge today is that we can’t
ignore the reality of what’s going on
infidelity is not going to go away
the question will be will rear eyes up
as a society and nurture and take care
of these individuals and help them and
perhaps even the most important thing we
may do might not be our words it might
be that hug it might be that phone call
that says I’m thinking of you or it
might be that person who offended who
opens up and acknowledges the pain
they’ve created we need to respond it’s
time for us to reach out as a society
and strengthen those hands we’re down
may we make itself because if we do our
society will be much better thank you
[Applause] [Music]