just for one moment I want you to think
back to your childhood what did you want
to do when you grew up at the tender age
of five I knew exactly what I wanted to
be
while my kindergarten classmates were
aspiring to be firefighters and
astronauts and the next president of the
United States in my bones I knew that I
was going to be a teacher and a mother
in 2011 I married my long-term partner
John and I became the stepmother to a
beautiful and brilliant girl named Lexi
that same year I joined the faculty at
Bowling Green State University and my
dream of becoming a teacher became a
reality and each day I think my lucky
stars that I get to work with brilliant
undergraduates and graduate students as
well as have fabulous faculty and staff
colleagues that said John Lexi and I
dare to dream just a little bit more you
see we wanted to add one more family
member to our mix we wanted to become a
family of four in 2015
John Lexi and I were ecstatic we found
out that I was pregnant we began to
brainstorm baby names we started to plan
the nursery and we started to count down
the days when we would get to hold baby
spud that was her nickname we get to
hold baby spud in our arms and see her
COO and and see her smile I experienced
all the typical symptoms that you would
experience in the first pregnancy
trimester I had the swollen ankles
I had the fatigue I had the morning
sickness which quite frankly doesn’t
just happen in the morning it’s an
all-day kind of affair but it was all
worth it when at 7 weeks we got to hear
baby Splitz heartbeat and see her squirm
and wiggle and dance on the sonogram
screen it was amazing it was magical and
we were smitten unfortunately that was
the first and last time we got to me
baby spud
at 12 weeks of pregnancy I returned to
the OBGYNs office for what was supposed
to be a routine examination however in
taking a look at my body the the
healthcare provider said that she
couldn’t quite hear a heartbeat
so she sent me back to the sonogram
technician for some additional screening
and within one minute of waving that
wand around the technicians face grew
very stern and she said we’ve lost the
baby and I thought there there must’ve
been a mistake maybe maybe the baby was
hiding so I said no no no maybe look one
more time maybe the baby has squirmed
and wiggled maybe she’s on the other
side of the womb I had no idea
and the technician didn’t look her face
fell and she said no I’m so sorry Lisa
you’ve had a miscarriage
we’ve lost the baby and at that moment
my world turned black I later learned
that I had experienced a silent or
missed miscarriage this is when the
fetus fails to thrive but the body
tricks itself for some reason into
thinking that it’s still pregnant baby
spud had died in my womb around nine or
ten weeks of pregnancy and I was
absolutely oblivious to it and given my
particular situation instead of having
the miscarriage just been taking care of
him one day my health care provider told
me that I shouldn’t miscarry naturally
and so it ended up taking another three
and a half weeks until that process was
over it was horrible it was traumatic I
was angry I was sad I was scared I felt
betrayed by my body for failing to do
something that has supposedly been pre
biologically determined to do it was
awful but then something amazing
happened I started to talk to friends
and family in my support network and I
discovered something family co-workers
neighbors colleagues they started to
disclose to me that they too had
experienced pregnancy loss and to quote
Allison Folkman it was like there is a
whole community or a secret society of
people who have been affected by
pregnancy loss and we were all suffering
in silence and that was my aha moment I
was not alone
and we were not alone the American
Pregnancy Association estimates that
approximately one in four pregnancies
ends in a miscarriage which means that
each year millions and millions of
people are affected by pregnancy loss
and many of those are suffering in
silence
the year is 2018 and two questions keep
me up at night
why is there still a stigma around
pregnancy loss and a miscarriage and
furthermore what can we do to shatter
the silence in this talk today I hope to
answer both of those particular
questions and in doing so I hope to
build a stronger community of care and
to build some affinity and empathy
toward the women and their partners and
their loved ones who need it most
first I’ll talk about three things that
help to perpetuate that silence around
pregnancy loss and then second I’ll
share some ideas of things that we can
do today to make a difference to begin
why are the silence first media
misrepresentations historically
mainstream media has grossly
underestimated stories of pregnancy loss
typically what happens is we’ve got a
heterosexual typically white young woman
who is pregnant she has a miscarriage
she grieves intensely and then she’s
fine and this all happens within the
course of a 30 to 60-minute episode
right it’s very very quick for example
sex from the cities character Charlotte
she experiences a miscarriage she
grieves she binge watches some
documentary about Elizabeth Taylor and
then she rejoins society emerging strong
and she hangs out with her friends at
the end of just a 30-minute spiel I mean
another another example is Pixar’s
beloved movie up in the first five
minutes of the movie there’s a beautiful
montage where we get to learn about the
love story of Carl and Ellie
Frederickson and throughout that five
minute montage they meet they fall in
love and they grow old together and if
you pay attention really closely you’ll
notice in the middle Ellie does
experience a traumatic pregnancy loss
and it does affect their relationship a
little bit but that’s all that’s
mentioned is in that very beginning of
the movie and the rest of it is
dedicated toward them going on to do
greater and bigger things to really
challenge
shatter the stereotype and the and the
silence about miscarriage and pregnancy
loss
we need more representations
multi-dimensional ones ones that feature
diverse people with diverse context and
diverse stories we can do better in
addition to media misrepresentations
there’s also what I’m calling the
attributional paradox when women
experience pregnancy loss a lot of times
they ask the question why why me why now
why did this happen
and many times the answers are
insufficient and there are anything but
satisfying I recently finished
conducting a study of 25 in-depth
interviews with women ages 18 all the
way to 74 who who had experienced at
least one miscarriage during their life
and in talking with them and listening
to their stories many of them
experienced what I call the
attributional paradox they tried to find
reasons for why they had their
miscarriage and unfortunately there were
not very good answers to be found on the
one hand many times there’s no answer at
all there’s no medical explanation no
accident nothing and so while at first
blush this seems really comforting
because there’s no one to blame it can
be absolutely terrifying moving forward
when one gets pregnant because if you
don’t know why it didn’t happen how can
you prevent it but then on the other
hand for those who did find out that
there was a specific medical illness an
accident or some sort of external event
that happened for these women they often
turn inwards and they felt feelings of
shame and guilt
I mean it’s powd around and it was not
very very helpful so this attributional
paradox really does help to sustain that
silence the final reason for oh and
before I get started I wasn’t wanted to
talk briefly about some of my research
participants one of my participants iris
captured this really really greatly she
said so if I want to get pregnant again
how can I prevent that if there’s no
specific causal thing that we can
control then it becomes frightening
moving forward and then on the other
hand Chandra she said we had DNA test
nothing was wrong we had blood tests
nothing was wrong however no one told me
until recently that I had a fibroid and
that could cause miscarriages and she
later went on to blame herself for those
particular incidents so moving on the
final reason why
there might be some silence around
miscarriage and pregnancy last is what
I’m calling the paradox of seeking
support there’s a wealth of scholarship
including this done by Bram Burleson as
well as riff and singer that
demonstrates that seeking support can
help people cope with a variety of
stressors but unfortunately the
literature on pregnancy loss and support
indicates that unfortunately when people
try to seek support with these issues
that they receive anything but helpful
messages in my personal experience there
were three different types of messages
of support that weren’t very helpful and
they were all very well intentioned but
they did not land the mark first were
these messages of well-intentioned but
really hurtful emotional support so
people would say the at least the well
at least you could get pregnant or the
at least you weren’t further along in
that pregnancy these were not very
helpful on the other hand I also
experienced messages where people would
try to give advice unsolicited and
oftentimes unhelpful so things like the
sugarcoat of what is and maybe you
shouldn’t have waited so long to get
pregnant not very helpful
or maybe you shouldn’t have had that cup
of decaf coffee and then finally I
received some messages that were just
clearly just off the mark messages such
as well it’s been a month just get over
it or you just need to move on with your
life
these are not helpful and I think it
demonstrates why people may not be
willing to share their story so given
all of these particular issues what can
we do to change this issue what can we
do to shatter the silence to begin I
think that we as a community can provide
better support so instead of saying
something like I know exactly how you
feel we can say it’s good to see you how
are you doing how are you doing let’s go
grab lunch and talk or perhaps at least
you can still get pregnant instead of
saying the at least move into the I am
so sorry I am here to listen or perhaps
instead of saying everything happens for
a reason and thinking about that
attributional paradox
perhaps we can say it’s not your fault
what can we do to help the point here is
that what we need to do is to provide a
safe non-judgmental space for women and
their loved ones to grieve
to active to actively listen and to
provide messages of affirmation and
affinity and care that’s what we really
need furthermore what I would also
encourage you to do if you have a story
to share it’s to speak up and to break
that silence yourself I’ve always wanted
to be able to say this I think that we
should be more like Beyonce we should be
like Beyonce we should be like Nicole
Kidman even Mariah Carey women and their
loved ones who have spoken out and said
that yes pregnancy loss is a big issue
that affects our society and this is
affecting me and it affects us here’s my
story so I would encourage you if you
have the courage and if you feel feel
safe to break that silence I think
together we can shift the norms for me I
know looking back that my experience
with miscarriage was a defining moment
but it is not the only thing that
defines me and even in 2015 when I
thought ah my story is over when we lost
baby spud time went on and my story went
on I’m so thrilled to tell you that
after nine and a half months of
incubating and after 36 hours of labor
Jon Lexi and I were thrilled to welcome
in on March 15th 2017 baby Sean on his
zona down and we got to hold him in our
arms we got to hear him COO we got to
see him smile and we are finally a
family of four now while we celebrate
baby Sean and we love our family I do
recognize that not every woman who has a
pregnancy loss will go on to have a baby
and that is perfectly fine it’s about
finding the value and the validity and
the courage in each and every person’s
story so looking back I ask you one more
time what did you want to be when you
grew up I stand before you I think that
I’ve grown up I think that I’m a
grown-up ish at this particular point
but that said my dream continues and I
hope in the next 10 years the next 20
years the next 40 or 50 years if I’m so
lucky that my new dream is to work
diligently and tirelessly to shatter the
silence on pregnancy loss
miscarriage and I invite you to join
that journey with me what can you do we
can provide better support what can we
do we can share our own story together
we can make a difference thank you [Applause]
back to your childhood what did you want
to do when you grew up at the tender age
of five I knew exactly what I wanted to
be
while my kindergarten classmates were
aspiring to be firefighters and
astronauts and the next president of the
United States in my bones I knew that I
was going to be a teacher and a mother
in 2011 I married my long-term partner
John and I became the stepmother to a
beautiful and brilliant girl named Lexi
that same year I joined the faculty at
Bowling Green State University and my
dream of becoming a teacher became a
reality and each day I think my lucky
stars that I get to work with brilliant
undergraduates and graduate students as
well as have fabulous faculty and staff
colleagues that said John Lexi and I
dare to dream just a little bit more you
see we wanted to add one more family
member to our mix we wanted to become a
family of four in 2015
John Lexi and I were ecstatic we found
out that I was pregnant we began to
brainstorm baby names we started to plan
the nursery and we started to count down
the days when we would get to hold baby
spud that was her nickname we get to
hold baby spud in our arms and see her
COO and and see her smile I experienced
all the typical symptoms that you would
experience in the first pregnancy
trimester I had the swollen ankles
I had the fatigue I had the morning
sickness which quite frankly doesn’t
just happen in the morning it’s an
all-day kind of affair but it was all
worth it when at 7 weeks we got to hear
baby Splitz heartbeat and see her squirm
and wiggle and dance on the sonogram
screen it was amazing it was magical and
we were smitten unfortunately that was
the first and last time we got to me
baby spud
at 12 weeks of pregnancy I returned to
the OBGYNs office for what was supposed
to be a routine examination however in
taking a look at my body the the
healthcare provider said that she
couldn’t quite hear a heartbeat
so she sent me back to the sonogram
technician for some additional screening
and within one minute of waving that
wand around the technicians face grew
very stern and she said we’ve lost the
baby and I thought there there must’ve
been a mistake maybe maybe the baby was
hiding so I said no no no maybe look one
more time maybe the baby has squirmed
and wiggled maybe she’s on the other
side of the womb I had no idea
and the technician didn’t look her face
fell and she said no I’m so sorry Lisa
you’ve had a miscarriage
we’ve lost the baby and at that moment
my world turned black I later learned
that I had experienced a silent or
missed miscarriage this is when the
fetus fails to thrive but the body
tricks itself for some reason into
thinking that it’s still pregnant baby
spud had died in my womb around nine or
ten weeks of pregnancy and I was
absolutely oblivious to it and given my
particular situation instead of having
the miscarriage just been taking care of
him one day my health care provider told
me that I shouldn’t miscarry naturally
and so it ended up taking another three
and a half weeks until that process was
over it was horrible it was traumatic I
was angry I was sad I was scared I felt
betrayed by my body for failing to do
something that has supposedly been pre
biologically determined to do it was
awful but then something amazing
happened I started to talk to friends
and family in my support network and I
discovered something family co-workers
neighbors colleagues they started to
disclose to me that they too had
experienced pregnancy loss and to quote
Allison Folkman it was like there is a
whole community or a secret society of
people who have been affected by
pregnancy loss and we were all suffering
in silence and that was my aha moment I
was not alone
and we were not alone the American
Pregnancy Association estimates that
approximately one in four pregnancies
ends in a miscarriage which means that
each year millions and millions of
people are affected by pregnancy loss
and many of those are suffering in
silence
the year is 2018 and two questions keep
me up at night
why is there still a stigma around
pregnancy loss and a miscarriage and
furthermore what can we do to shatter
the silence in this talk today I hope to
answer both of those particular
questions and in doing so I hope to
build a stronger community of care and
to build some affinity and empathy
toward the women and their partners and
their loved ones who need it most
first I’ll talk about three things that
help to perpetuate that silence around
pregnancy loss and then second I’ll
share some ideas of things that we can
do today to make a difference to begin
why are the silence first media
misrepresentations historically
mainstream media has grossly
underestimated stories of pregnancy loss
typically what happens is we’ve got a
heterosexual typically white young woman
who is pregnant she has a miscarriage
she grieves intensely and then she’s
fine and this all happens within the
course of a 30 to 60-minute episode
right it’s very very quick for example
sex from the cities character Charlotte
she experiences a miscarriage she
grieves she binge watches some
documentary about Elizabeth Taylor and
then she rejoins society emerging strong
and she hangs out with her friends at
the end of just a 30-minute spiel I mean
another another example is Pixar’s
beloved movie up in the first five
minutes of the movie there’s a beautiful
montage where we get to learn about the
love story of Carl and Ellie
Frederickson and throughout that five
minute montage they meet they fall in
love and they grow old together and if
you pay attention really closely you’ll
notice in the middle Ellie does
experience a traumatic pregnancy loss
and it does affect their relationship a
little bit but that’s all that’s
mentioned is in that very beginning of
the movie and the rest of it is
dedicated toward them going on to do
greater and bigger things to really
challenge
shatter the stereotype and the and the
silence about miscarriage and pregnancy
loss
we need more representations
multi-dimensional ones ones that feature
diverse people with diverse context and
diverse stories we can do better in
addition to media misrepresentations
there’s also what I’m calling the
attributional paradox when women
experience pregnancy loss a lot of times
they ask the question why why me why now
why did this happen
and many times the answers are
insufficient and there are anything but
satisfying I recently finished
conducting a study of 25 in-depth
interviews with women ages 18 all the
way to 74 who who had experienced at
least one miscarriage during their life
and in talking with them and listening
to their stories many of them
experienced what I call the
attributional paradox they tried to find
reasons for why they had their
miscarriage and unfortunately there were
not very good answers to be found on the
one hand many times there’s no answer at
all there’s no medical explanation no
accident nothing and so while at first
blush this seems really comforting
because there’s no one to blame it can
be absolutely terrifying moving forward
when one gets pregnant because if you
don’t know why it didn’t happen how can
you prevent it but then on the other
hand for those who did find out that
there was a specific medical illness an
accident or some sort of external event
that happened for these women they often
turn inwards and they felt feelings of
shame and guilt
I mean it’s powd around and it was not
very very helpful so this attributional
paradox really does help to sustain that
silence the final reason for oh and
before I get started I wasn’t wanted to
talk briefly about some of my research
participants one of my participants iris
captured this really really greatly she
said so if I want to get pregnant again
how can I prevent that if there’s no
specific causal thing that we can
control then it becomes frightening
moving forward and then on the other
hand Chandra she said we had DNA test
nothing was wrong we had blood tests
nothing was wrong however no one told me
until recently that I had a fibroid and
that could cause miscarriages and she
later went on to blame herself for those
particular incidents so moving on the
final reason why
there might be some silence around
miscarriage and pregnancy last is what
I’m calling the paradox of seeking
support there’s a wealth of scholarship
including this done by Bram Burleson as
well as riff and singer that
demonstrates that seeking support can
help people cope with a variety of
stressors but unfortunately the
literature on pregnancy loss and support
indicates that unfortunately when people
try to seek support with these issues
that they receive anything but helpful
messages in my personal experience there
were three different types of messages
of support that weren’t very helpful and
they were all very well intentioned but
they did not land the mark first were
these messages of well-intentioned but
really hurtful emotional support so
people would say the at least the well
at least you could get pregnant or the
at least you weren’t further along in
that pregnancy these were not very
helpful on the other hand I also
experienced messages where people would
try to give advice unsolicited and
oftentimes unhelpful so things like the
sugarcoat of what is and maybe you
shouldn’t have waited so long to get
pregnant not very helpful
or maybe you shouldn’t have had that cup
of decaf coffee and then finally I
received some messages that were just
clearly just off the mark messages such
as well it’s been a month just get over
it or you just need to move on with your
life
these are not helpful and I think it
demonstrates why people may not be
willing to share their story so given
all of these particular issues what can
we do to change this issue what can we
do to shatter the silence to begin I
think that we as a community can provide
better support so instead of saying
something like I know exactly how you
feel we can say it’s good to see you how
are you doing how are you doing let’s go
grab lunch and talk or perhaps at least
you can still get pregnant instead of
saying the at least move into the I am
so sorry I am here to listen or perhaps
instead of saying everything happens for
a reason and thinking about that
attributional paradox
perhaps we can say it’s not your fault
what can we do to help the point here is
that what we need to do is to provide a
safe non-judgmental space for women and
their loved ones to grieve
to active to actively listen and to
provide messages of affirmation and
affinity and care that’s what we really
need furthermore what I would also
encourage you to do if you have a story
to share it’s to speak up and to break
that silence yourself I’ve always wanted
to be able to say this I think that we
should be more like Beyonce we should be
like Beyonce we should be like Nicole
Kidman even Mariah Carey women and their
loved ones who have spoken out and said
that yes pregnancy loss is a big issue
that affects our society and this is
affecting me and it affects us here’s my
story so I would encourage you if you
have the courage and if you feel feel
safe to break that silence I think
together we can shift the norms for me I
know looking back that my experience
with miscarriage was a defining moment
but it is not the only thing that
defines me and even in 2015 when I
thought ah my story is over when we lost
baby spud time went on and my story went
on I’m so thrilled to tell you that
after nine and a half months of
incubating and after 36 hours of labor
Jon Lexi and I were thrilled to welcome
in on March 15th 2017 baby Sean on his
zona down and we got to hold him in our
arms we got to hear him COO we got to
see him smile and we are finally a
family of four now while we celebrate
baby Sean and we love our family I do
recognize that not every woman who has a
pregnancy loss will go on to have a baby
and that is perfectly fine it’s about
finding the value and the validity and
the courage in each and every person’s
story so looking back I ask you one more
time what did you want to be when you
grew up I stand before you I think that
I’ve grown up I think that I’m a
grown-up ish at this particular point
but that said my dream continues and I
hope in the next 10 years the next 20
years the next 40 or 50 years if I’m so
lucky that my new dream is to work
diligently and tirelessly to shatter the
silence on pregnancy loss
miscarriage and I invite you to join
that journey with me what can you do we
can provide better support what can we
do we can share our own story together
we can make a difference thank you [Applause]
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