I’m willing to bet that most of you if
not all of you heard about the Golden
Rule at some point while growing up and
what does the golden rule teach us I
think you’re more nervous than I am
that’s right it teaches us to treat
others the way we want to be treated and
like many of you I learned this rule at
a very young age for children it’s a
great introduction to the idea of
managing conflict and developing
relationships but what about for adults
how can the golden rule help us with our
most important relationships how can the
golden rule help us manage all of those
relationship pitfalls and tiptoe around
all of those relationship landmines
well we’re gonna get to the answer but
first let’s go all the way back to the
beginning the first version of the
golden rule appears around 1640 BC in
ancient Egypt and is attributed to the
goddess Maat who said due to the doer to
make him do now fast forward to modern
day and we can see that the golden rule
is not only recognized all over the
world but it’s taught by many different
faiths all over the world the version
that you and I are probably the most
familiar with is going to be the
Christian version which teaches us to do
unto others as you would have them do
unto you but did you know that islam
teaches us to wish for others what you
wish for yourself and Judaism teaches us
that what you find hateful don’t do to
your neighbor all over the world so many
different faiths from Buddhism to
Hinduism to Confucianism even the
Wiccans teach some form of the Golden
Rule because it’s so widespread it’s
easy for us to see how it continues to
be the standard we use to teach our
children how to treat others and I do
believe that most of us at least try to
follow the rule to the best of our
abilities but if this is true it’s being
taught all over the world
and we at least try to adhere to it why
is it so difficult for us to maintain
successful long-term relationships what
are we doing wrong I’m gonna tell you
it’s really not our fault it’s actually
the golden rule the golden rule is
terrible relationship advice it is it’s
the worst relationship advice like ever
yeah I’m just gonna put that right out
there why it boils down to complexity
and perception we have to remember that
when we are speaking to another
individual they’re just that they’re a
different person we have to remember
that they have different ideas different
feelings different thoughts when I’m
talking about our significant others and
how to treat them I’m really talking
about our spouses our best friends our
boyfriends our girlfriends our immediate
family members the people with whom we
need to remain happy and healthy in
order to have long-term successful
relationships but instead we’re thinking
about ourselves and to confirm this idea
I did a highly scientific study and by
highly scientific I mean I asked a bunch
of my Facebook friends to just explain
in their own words what they think about
the golden rule I’m going to share with
you some of those examples the first
example it means I want to be understood
by you so in turn I will make effort to
understand you I call this one the lead
by example concept I’m going to model
for you the behavior I want from you
example to think about what you want
from the universe and give that energy
to it I call this one the make-a-wish
make it happen concept I’m gonna think
about what I want and I’m going to will
it to happen and then example three in
order to get your way you must coerce
others into believing that your
intentions have them at center focus I
call that one the politicians Creed
and my favorite example yeah who hasn’t
felt that way right all joking aside
these examples do bring about they do
represent exactly what is wrong with our
relationships we’re focusing on
ourselves we’re not thinking about the
other person we do have to remember that
they are an individual just like we are
so what do we need to do I would like
for you to consider an alternative an
updated version a golden rule 2.0 if you
will it’s going to be to treat others
the way they want to be treated it
completely changes your mindset from
thinking about yourself to putting
yourself in the back seat and it forces
you to think about the other what are
their wants what are their ideas what
are their dreams what are their likes
and their dislikes if you’re going to be
in a successful long-term relationships
it cannot always be about you it just
can’t be and I’m going to give you a
personal example my husband and I
celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary
this past May and he is what I call a
flaming extrovert the man knows no
stranger he loves to be around people
and he needs to be around people that’s
how he recharges his batteries whereas
I’m the queen of introverts I’m the
exact opposite I find people to be
utterly exhausting to be honest with you
I need to go back into my cave to
recharge my batteries so when you’re
married to your polar opposite
the golden rule 2.0 is key if I were to
treat him the way I wanted to be treated
and vice versa
our marriage would not have lasted
through the first year so what’s a
married introvert to do especially when
she’s married to the extrovert well over
the years we’ve had to learn not only to
acknowledge each other’s differences but
to accept those differences into
compromise so I will hang out I’ll be
social and I’ll do that for an
acceptable amount of time and then when
I’m done I go back into my cave and he’s
not allowed to complain about it or give
me any grief and it makes both of us
happy he’s happy and I’m happy you see
just because you’re in a committed
relationship it does not mean that you
have to give up your own identity but
just like any good dance partner you got
to pay attention to the other person or
else you’re just gonna keep stepping on
each other’s toes and if you do that
enough you’re gonna have to find a new
dance partner and nobody wants to do
that so I would like for you to take a
moment to think about your significant
others the people who are most important
to you
what are their likes and dislikes their
wants their needs
do they like dark chocolate or milk
chocolate
do they like surprises or do they like
to plan things out do they like mushy
sappy emotional holiday cards or do they
like the funny raunchy ones do they like
to text or do they prefer to call
because they like to hear your voice are
you treating them the way they want to
be treated in closing don’t get me wrong
the golden role is a wonderful rule and
I do think that we need to continue
teaching that rule to our children after
all it’s a great way for us to teach
them about empathy and to get them to
understand the importance of being able
to just get along with other people and
also it’s a relief to know that it is
still being taught all over the world by
many different faiths from age 1 on up
but you and I also know that as we grow
older we become more complex individuals
and our relationships become more
complex so we need a rule that is a
reflection of that complexity so let’s
do something different
let’s stop treating others the way we
want to be treated and let’s start
treating others the way they want to be
treat it thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
not all of you heard about the Golden
Rule at some point while growing up and
what does the golden rule teach us I
think you’re more nervous than I am
that’s right it teaches us to treat
others the way we want to be treated and
like many of you I learned this rule at
a very young age for children it’s a
great introduction to the idea of
managing conflict and developing
relationships but what about for adults
how can the golden rule help us with our
most important relationships how can the
golden rule help us manage all of those
relationship pitfalls and tiptoe around
all of those relationship landmines
well we’re gonna get to the answer but
first let’s go all the way back to the
beginning the first version of the
golden rule appears around 1640 BC in
ancient Egypt and is attributed to the
goddess Maat who said due to the doer to
make him do now fast forward to modern
day and we can see that the golden rule
is not only recognized all over the
world but it’s taught by many different
faiths all over the world the version
that you and I are probably the most
familiar with is going to be the
Christian version which teaches us to do
unto others as you would have them do
unto you but did you know that islam
teaches us to wish for others what you
wish for yourself and Judaism teaches us
that what you find hateful don’t do to
your neighbor all over the world so many
different faiths from Buddhism to
Hinduism to Confucianism even the
Wiccans teach some form of the Golden
Rule because it’s so widespread it’s
easy for us to see how it continues to
be the standard we use to teach our
children how to treat others and I do
believe that most of us at least try to
follow the rule to the best of our
abilities but if this is true it’s being
taught all over the world
and we at least try to adhere to it why
is it so difficult for us to maintain
successful long-term relationships what
are we doing wrong I’m gonna tell you
it’s really not our fault it’s actually
the golden rule the golden rule is
terrible relationship advice it is it’s
the worst relationship advice like ever
yeah I’m just gonna put that right out
there why it boils down to complexity
and perception we have to remember that
when we are speaking to another
individual they’re just that they’re a
different person we have to remember
that they have different ideas different
feelings different thoughts when I’m
talking about our significant others and
how to treat them I’m really talking
about our spouses our best friends our
boyfriends our girlfriends our immediate
family members the people with whom we
need to remain happy and healthy in
order to have long-term successful
relationships but instead we’re thinking
about ourselves and to confirm this idea
I did a highly scientific study and by
highly scientific I mean I asked a bunch
of my Facebook friends to just explain
in their own words what they think about
the golden rule I’m going to share with
you some of those examples the first
example it means I want to be understood
by you so in turn I will make effort to
understand you I call this one the lead
by example concept I’m going to model
for you the behavior I want from you
example to think about what you want
from the universe and give that energy
to it I call this one the make-a-wish
make it happen concept I’m gonna think
about what I want and I’m going to will
it to happen and then example three in
order to get your way you must coerce
others into believing that your
intentions have them at center focus I
call that one the politicians Creed
and my favorite example yeah who hasn’t
felt that way right all joking aside
these examples do bring about they do
represent exactly what is wrong with our
relationships we’re focusing on
ourselves we’re not thinking about the
other person we do have to remember that
they are an individual just like we are
so what do we need to do I would like
for you to consider an alternative an
updated version a golden rule 2.0 if you
will it’s going to be to treat others
the way they want to be treated it
completely changes your mindset from
thinking about yourself to putting
yourself in the back seat and it forces
you to think about the other what are
their wants what are their ideas what
are their dreams what are their likes
and their dislikes if you’re going to be
in a successful long-term relationships
it cannot always be about you it just
can’t be and I’m going to give you a
personal example my husband and I
celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary
this past May and he is what I call a
flaming extrovert the man knows no
stranger he loves to be around people
and he needs to be around people that’s
how he recharges his batteries whereas
I’m the queen of introverts I’m the
exact opposite I find people to be
utterly exhausting to be honest with you
I need to go back into my cave to
recharge my batteries so when you’re
married to your polar opposite
the golden rule 2.0 is key if I were to
treat him the way I wanted to be treated
and vice versa
our marriage would not have lasted
through the first year so what’s a
married introvert to do especially when
she’s married to the extrovert well over
the years we’ve had to learn not only to
acknowledge each other’s differences but
to accept those differences into
compromise so I will hang out I’ll be
social and I’ll do that for an
acceptable amount of time and then when
I’m done I go back into my cave and he’s
not allowed to complain about it or give
me any grief and it makes both of us
happy he’s happy and I’m happy you see
just because you’re in a committed
relationship it does not mean that you
have to give up your own identity but
just like any good dance partner you got
to pay attention to the other person or
else you’re just gonna keep stepping on
each other’s toes and if you do that
enough you’re gonna have to find a new
dance partner and nobody wants to do
that so I would like for you to take a
moment to think about your significant
others the people who are most important
to you
what are their likes and dislikes their
wants their needs
do they like dark chocolate or milk
chocolate
do they like surprises or do they like
to plan things out do they like mushy
sappy emotional holiday cards or do they
like the funny raunchy ones do they like
to text or do they prefer to call
because they like to hear your voice are
you treating them the way they want to
be treated in closing don’t get me wrong
the golden role is a wonderful rule and
I do think that we need to continue
teaching that rule to our children after
all it’s a great way for us to teach
them about empathy and to get them to
understand the importance of being able
to just get along with other people and
also it’s a relief to know that it is
still being taught all over the world by
many different faiths from age 1 on up
but you and I also know that as we grow
older we become more complex individuals
and our relationships become more
complex so we need a rule that is a
reflection of that complexity so let’s
do something different
let’s stop treating others the way we
want to be treated and let’s start
treating others the way they want to be
treat it thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
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