[Music]
you
I grew up in Belgium this is me at age
six dressed up as a smurf I actually
loved wearing all sorts of girls clothes
but there are no pictures of that these
were not moments where my parents were
proud and ran to their phone to take a
picture for Grandma I was a feminine boy
I’ve always been feminine yet I grew up
to identify as a boy and later on as a
man I don’t identify as transgender I am
what you call cisgender someone whose
personal gender identity is aligned with
the sex they were assigned at birth but
over the past 15 years as a family
therapist I have worked with many kids
who are transgender they know that their
gender is different from the sex that
the doctor assigned them at birth today
I want to share how one child living in
their authentic gender can change
everyone around them their parents their
friends and ultimately their entire
community because when one child
transitions everyone transitions along
with them I remember the day Karla and
Tom came to my office
they are the mom and dad of a
nine-year-old child they knew to be a
boy call up put out her phone and showed
me a picture of her kid I saw a kid with
a lot of makeup on the face a t-shirt
wrapped around the head to feel like
long hair and another one tied at the
waist to look like a lone dress and I
saw the ecstatic joy on their kid’s face
I said
you have a beautiful child Colette took
the phone back looked down and said I
don’t see that I don’t see my baby boy I
see a freak
immediately big tears ran down her face
full of shame and guilt for the terrible
words she had just said full of grief
for the son she felt she was losing and
full of fear for how the world was going
to treat her kid
fast forward to three years later I am
in the New York City pride LGBT March
and Carla is next to me and now her kid
is 12 and lived as ISA the girl she is
[Applause]
the March stops for a minute and Carla
grabs my hand and I look at her and
she’s crying but with this huge smile on
her face and she says to me I never
thought I’d get here I never thought the
world would be cheering for my kid for
her and she’s just running around being
happy just being a kid what happened so
what happens for families like Carlos
how did Carla move from disgust and
grief to celebration about seven years
ago with a crew at the Ackermann
Institute I founded a program called the
gender and family project and we support
hundreds of similar families and we’ve
identified three changes that families
like Carla’s are able to make the first
one is awareness it’s an internal change
the second one is connection and that’s
an interpersonal change and the third
one is community and that is a social
change let’s look at the first one
awareness
what is the first question we ask when
someone is pregnant is it a boy or is it
a girl why is revealing the gender of
the child so important because parents
grandparents and friends can start
imagining the child he’s going to be so
beautiful she’s gonna love dancing and
reading and she’s gonna look just like
you
gender helps us move from an abstract
idea to the stories and dreams about the
person we’re welcoming at least in our
Western traditions gender is the tool we
use to humanize life to go from it to he
or she so if someone doesn’t fit inside
those binary traditions of gender we
don’t have a language to comprehend them
and to humanize them and through the
wisdom of her own child and other
parents Carla understood that we are all
trapped in pink and blue boxes literally
like someone who realizes that the earth
is not flat but round Carla realized
that Anatomy is not always destiny so
that’s the first change and it has to
happen inside a parent’s heart and mind
the second change has to happen between
parents and children they need a renewed
connection let’s think about Tom he’s
our dad when Tom discovered that his son
identified as a girl all of a sudden his
new daughter was completely foreign to
him he had no idea how to relate to her
outside of their father-son connection
but when a kid is too different their
parents can experience them as the other
and lose empathy for them now tom
not know gender complexity but he knew
the pain of feeling different he himself
as a young man from Colombia had
struggled with racism and fought hard to
gain respect and recognition exactly
what Issa was longing for respect and
recognition through his own story he was
able to empathize with his daughter for
the first time he had found an authentic
connection so parents are gaining a
greater awareness are reconnecting
authentically with their kid but we know
it takes a village to raise a child the
third change has to happen in the
community parents also need the extended
family the neighbors the schools the
place of faith to also change their
views on gender I recently worked with
an african-american family who chose
this one particular school because it
offered great education had a large
black community and honored their
Christian faith and when their
transgender son transitioned in second
grade they proactively engaged the
entire school they met with the
principal they trained the teachers they
gathered with other parents and when the
day came to ask will your school honor
our son the principal responded your
family is here to teach us that God
makes no mistakes we will all learn with
your son a prophet may lie in each of us
what a success they clearly had brought
the entire school community along with
them but when the community cannot
change the consequences can be
disastrous
if some parents give up on their kid
it’s not because they don’t love them
but often because the communities that
they depend on could not transition
along with them so these three changes
awareness connection and community
completely transform the meaning of
parenting for Karla and tongue initially
they associated being transgender with
at worst danger and at best solitude
it’s a brutal world out there in 2016
26 transgender men and women were
murdered in the u.s. in 2017 already
eleven transgender women of color lost
their lives of horrific acts of violence
Karla did everything she could to
discourage ISA Tom denied affirmation
and just prayed it was a phase in their
own way their rejection was a misplaced
attempt at protection but again through
the wisdom of their kid and other
parents they understood that that
mindset is the real danger long-standing
research shows that trans youth are
eight times more likely to take their
own life if they come from the rejecting
family the more accepted they are the
stronger they are and the better
protected they are from self harm and
harm from others so slowly Karla and Tom
understood that rejection does not work
but that acceptance is protection so
should we all learn to humanize each
other differently do we really know the
gender of any child
before they tell us who they are should
life really begin with he or she we have
started a new era of gender
self-determination and parenting might
have also started a new chapter one
where we discover our kids gender and
where we welcome the gift of
authenticity about a month ago I was
running a support group and Karla was
there and we were welcoming a new mom
Jane who was really struggling and Karla
listened to Jane for a long time and
then she looked at her and said I know
exactly how you feel I’ve been there
just like you and you might not be able
to feel this yet but for me this was a
gift
Esau taught me to be a better parent she
taught me to be a better person at the
end of the group Jane showed a picture
of her kid and Karla and I looked at
each other
remembering our first session and Karla
was on it she took the phone she looked
at the picture she looked at Jay and
they said you have a beautiful child
thank you
you
you
I grew up in Belgium this is me at age
six dressed up as a smurf I actually
loved wearing all sorts of girls clothes
but there are no pictures of that these
were not moments where my parents were
proud and ran to their phone to take a
picture for Grandma I was a feminine boy
I’ve always been feminine yet I grew up
to identify as a boy and later on as a
man I don’t identify as transgender I am
what you call cisgender someone whose
personal gender identity is aligned with
the sex they were assigned at birth but
over the past 15 years as a family
therapist I have worked with many kids
who are transgender they know that their
gender is different from the sex that
the doctor assigned them at birth today
I want to share how one child living in
their authentic gender can change
everyone around them their parents their
friends and ultimately their entire
community because when one child
transitions everyone transitions along
with them I remember the day Karla and
Tom came to my office
they are the mom and dad of a
nine-year-old child they knew to be a
boy call up put out her phone and showed
me a picture of her kid I saw a kid with
a lot of makeup on the face a t-shirt
wrapped around the head to feel like
long hair and another one tied at the
waist to look like a lone dress and I
saw the ecstatic joy on their kid’s face
I said
you have a beautiful child Colette took
the phone back looked down and said I
don’t see that I don’t see my baby boy I
see a freak
immediately big tears ran down her face
full of shame and guilt for the terrible
words she had just said full of grief
for the son she felt she was losing and
full of fear for how the world was going
to treat her kid
fast forward to three years later I am
in the New York City pride LGBT March
and Carla is next to me and now her kid
is 12 and lived as ISA the girl she is
[Applause]
the March stops for a minute and Carla
grabs my hand and I look at her and
she’s crying but with this huge smile on
her face and she says to me I never
thought I’d get here I never thought the
world would be cheering for my kid for
her and she’s just running around being
happy just being a kid what happened so
what happens for families like Carlos
how did Carla move from disgust and
grief to celebration about seven years
ago with a crew at the Ackermann
Institute I founded a program called the
gender and family project and we support
hundreds of similar families and we’ve
identified three changes that families
like Carla’s are able to make the first
one is awareness it’s an internal change
the second one is connection and that’s
an interpersonal change and the third
one is community and that is a social
change let’s look at the first one
awareness
what is the first question we ask when
someone is pregnant is it a boy or is it
a girl why is revealing the gender of
the child so important because parents
grandparents and friends can start
imagining the child he’s going to be so
beautiful she’s gonna love dancing and
reading and she’s gonna look just like
you
gender helps us move from an abstract
idea to the stories and dreams about the
person we’re welcoming at least in our
Western traditions gender is the tool we
use to humanize life to go from it to he
or she so if someone doesn’t fit inside
those binary traditions of gender we
don’t have a language to comprehend them
and to humanize them and through the
wisdom of her own child and other
parents Carla understood that we are all
trapped in pink and blue boxes literally
like someone who realizes that the earth
is not flat but round Carla realized
that Anatomy is not always destiny so
that’s the first change and it has to
happen inside a parent’s heart and mind
the second change has to happen between
parents and children they need a renewed
connection let’s think about Tom he’s
our dad when Tom discovered that his son
identified as a girl all of a sudden his
new daughter was completely foreign to
him he had no idea how to relate to her
outside of their father-son connection
but when a kid is too different their
parents can experience them as the other
and lose empathy for them now tom
not know gender complexity but he knew
the pain of feeling different he himself
as a young man from Colombia had
struggled with racism and fought hard to
gain respect and recognition exactly
what Issa was longing for respect and
recognition through his own story he was
able to empathize with his daughter for
the first time he had found an authentic
connection so parents are gaining a
greater awareness are reconnecting
authentically with their kid but we know
it takes a village to raise a child the
third change has to happen in the
community parents also need the extended
family the neighbors the schools the
place of faith to also change their
views on gender I recently worked with
an african-american family who chose
this one particular school because it
offered great education had a large
black community and honored their
Christian faith and when their
transgender son transitioned in second
grade they proactively engaged the
entire school they met with the
principal they trained the teachers they
gathered with other parents and when the
day came to ask will your school honor
our son the principal responded your
family is here to teach us that God
makes no mistakes we will all learn with
your son a prophet may lie in each of us
what a success they clearly had brought
the entire school community along with
them but when the community cannot
change the consequences can be
disastrous
if some parents give up on their kid
it’s not because they don’t love them
but often because the communities that
they depend on could not transition
along with them so these three changes
awareness connection and community
completely transform the meaning of
parenting for Karla and tongue initially
they associated being transgender with
at worst danger and at best solitude
it’s a brutal world out there in 2016
26 transgender men and women were
murdered in the u.s. in 2017 already
eleven transgender women of color lost
their lives of horrific acts of violence
Karla did everything she could to
discourage ISA Tom denied affirmation
and just prayed it was a phase in their
own way their rejection was a misplaced
attempt at protection but again through
the wisdom of their kid and other
parents they understood that that
mindset is the real danger long-standing
research shows that trans youth are
eight times more likely to take their
own life if they come from the rejecting
family the more accepted they are the
stronger they are and the better
protected they are from self harm and
harm from others so slowly Karla and Tom
understood that rejection does not work
but that acceptance is protection so
should we all learn to humanize each
other differently do we really know the
gender of any child
before they tell us who they are should
life really begin with he or she we have
started a new era of gender
self-determination and parenting might
have also started a new chapter one
where we discover our kids gender and
where we welcome the gift of
authenticity about a month ago I was
running a support group and Karla was
there and we were welcoming a new mom
Jane who was really struggling and Karla
listened to Jane for a long time and
then she looked at her and said I know
exactly how you feel I’ve been there
just like you and you might not be able
to feel this yet but for me this was a
gift
Esau taught me to be a better parent she
taught me to be a better person at the
end of the group Jane showed a picture
of her kid and Karla and I looked at
each other
remembering our first session and Karla
was on it she took the phone she looked
at the picture she looked at Jay and
they said you have a beautiful child
thank you
you
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