were always told we were never allowed
to have emotion as she mentioned I am a
paramedic have been for 24 years I
joined the volunteer fire department
when I was 19 years old not doing that
math for you but very my entire adult
life I’ve been doing this I’ve been
watching and seeing people and their
worst suck it up get over it you have to
get back out there man up is what we
keep n told well I’m here to tell you
that I have post-traumatic stress
disorder for a while that was something
I hid I was afraid of I didn’t want
anybody to know about what I embraced it
finally it took a few things so my story
is what I’m here to tell you today but
I’m here to tell you is suck it up and
get over it doesn’t work in fact it
makes it a lot worse a lot worse see
some of the problems that we have
post-traumatic stress disorders become
out the forefront the military our
returning veterans have really brought
it out and made it more prevalent in
society people able to talk about it if
our heroes of the people who were those
strongest in the bravest of this country
could suffer from this debilitating
disease and yes it is a debilitating
disease you’ll hear about that in a
moment if they can do it and what about
the average paramedic now I’m not about
to sit up here and tell you that I have
experienced anything like combat
whatsoever however the trauma on a
day-to-day basis the tragedy a
day-to-day basis so EMS has always been
the little brother of the police
department in the fire department
we’ve never had the respect or any kind
of the rights that all the other ones
have gotten they don’t even get our
title right anytime you hear anybody say
police officers firefighters and
emergency workers can you get my title
right
now or the dreaded even worse ambulance
driver that one I love yes I Drive an
ambulance now and again but it doesn’t
define who I am and what my education
shows it doesn’t define it so when I
think ambulance driver I still think
that the public still thanks to this day
that we all have white coats white pants
we drive souped-up Cadillac ambulances
we run as fast as we can we scoop up the
patient we bring to the hospital that’s
not the way this besides can you see me
in white pants that right off the bat
would make me just find another career
but I never got into this for a Calise I
didn’t I didn’t get into this to to be
on the level of the police officers to
be on the level of the firefighter I
wanted to do what I wanted to do I
wanted to make a difference in people’s
lives I wanted to go to work every
single day and save a life now no you
don’t save a life every single day but
you can make a difference every single
day but along with that difference along
with that wonder along with the good
jobs comes a lot of the bad ones and I’m
also here to tell you that it isn’t the
big things that make us worse the 911s
the Oklahoma City bombings the Parkland
shootings those are terrible incidents
tragic absolutely tragic and will
devastate a practitioner devastate a
provider devastate police officer fire
fire anybody was involved but it’s the
little things the day-to-day stuff every
single day going to work the infant the
two-month-old and cardiac arrest that
you know you can’t fix you know your
efforts are futile but you’re trying
like hell anyway the 80 year old the man
who was married for 60 years and he was
in cardiac arrest that you’re on the
floor trying to resuscitate him you look
up and you see his wedding picture from
60 years ago and then you look his
spouse in the face knowing that her
world is about to crumble it’s the
little things
the gunshots the stabbings the mangled
vehicles the constant tragedy every
single day we see people at their worst
and probably one of the worst parts
about our lives and our profession is
our successes our hidden our failures
our very public so I have a good friend
of mine who would tell you suck it up
get over it you know what you signed up
for this was you nobody told you to do
this gun to your head to do this job
suck it up stop playing the victim
because people rely on you people need
you they need you to be you not drop
into the fetal position and suck your
thumb every single time the radio goes
off well I will tell you there are not
many things in this world that I am good
at but I am damn good at this job and no
matter how bad I’ve gotten no matter how
I talk my life has ever gotten I’ve
gotten up on that radio and off and
you’ll get my best and as a matter of
fact I’ve gotten better I’ve gotten more
compassionate I’ve gotten I become a
better provider because I had an
epiphany about 12 years ago I was
working two full-time jobs for those of
you who aren’t familiar with EMS we used
to call EMS earn money sleeping I could
go to a job and go and get a few good
power naps to this day I can sleep
better in a vehicle than I can in my own
bed I could sleep better in a chair but
I was working two full-time jobs I used
to work a day tour in Corona Queens and
then I used to go right to an overnight
in South Jamaica not two very good areas
if you’re familiar with the area when I
was in the middle of a nap it was a
beautiful nap as a matter of fact one of
those really good mouths drying naps and
I got woke up for a hanging and I was
pretty burnt out at the time so I went
and I went to a house and there was a
basement apartment whose gentleman who
was 5 feet 11 inches tall trying to hang
himself off of a six-foot ceiling for
the record that doesn’t work
so in my burnt-out state in my really
poor state my mental condition was so
bad or was so burnt so cajun as we also
like to call it I treated that man like
crap so as I was backing the ambulance
into the ER bay a good friend of mine
Mike Hiro the man I wanted to be the man
everybody wanted to be he was the life
of every single party he went into if
you worked with him it was wonderful it
was the best tour you’ll ever have in
your life he actually had the best
parties backed me in I opened up the
doors
My partner walked that gentleman into
the ER we didn’t even give him the
dignity of a stretcher that’s how bad it
was so my good friend my hero had said
to me what do you got some jerk
screaming for attention tried to hang
himself and I got a verbal kick in the
gut too one of the people who I
respected most in this life looked me in
the face and said Wow turn to walked
away
well I chased him down and said hey hey
hey how about an explanation
there’s exact words to me where Wow all
these years I’ve known you I didn’t know
just how big of an asshole you really
are he turned around he walked away from
me now this is a man I spoke to one to
three times a day depending on the
sports season we would talk all the time
never talk to me he wouldn’t speak to me
we finally got into the truck one day
when I had to work with him and after an
awkward silence I said what happened
what’s the deal what did I do
and he woke me up like I’ve never been
woke up before he said to me Tony do you
have any idea what must have been going
through that man’s head you have any
idea what he must have been thinking
that death was his only relief from his
pain even if it was a cry for help it
didn’t matter death was the only relief
he had and then he told
something I couldn’t believe he told me
how bad his depression is crippling
depression depression that would make
him literally be in bed for a week he
used to get hurt on the job wasn’t hurt
couldn’t get out of bed it was right
that in there that I knew you’d never
know who you’re sitting next to you
never know the demons that they’re
battling and then he punched me in the
face again and he said my friend you’re
hurtin he said you don’t realize it yet
you haven’t accepted it yet but you’re
in trouble you need help you got to get
it soon and it’s funny the way life
works sometimes because I didn’t even
know this because that my other
full-time job all of my friends were
talking to my bosses and telling them
Tony’s in trouble there’s something
wrong he’s not acting right he’s not a
bad bad place so I was forced to take a
vacation and that forced vacation really
woke me up and I actually reconnected
with my hero and we got some therapy for
me I started seeing a therapist and that
fizzled out really bad because I was not
ready to stop sucking it up and getting
over it I didn’t want to talk about it I
even care self-reflection it was who
cares about self-reflection give me a
break
I’m tough I’m a paramedic I have a New
York City paramedic damn it I’m tougher
than this so what happened I fell right
back into the same destructive behaviors
started working more as a matter of fact
I had two full-time jobs and a part-time
job I was working roughly about a
hundred and ten hours a week so this is
what happened I was partying hard and
working harder working hard partying
harder so what if I wasn’t at work I was
at the bar if I wasn’t at the bar I was
at work every once in a while we throw
some golf in there too but now that I
think about it there’s a pretty big bar
involved in golf as well see a pattern I
started drinking pretty heavily and it
started getting worse and worse and I
started getting it to a darker and
darker place but I had an outward
persona that was wonderful I was
I was a happy guy I was my hero I was
putting on a facade but deep down inside
I was terrible I was hurting I was in
pain and then I had a phone call that
changed my life
late one night I received a phone call
from someone than it was an apology it
was an apology for sexually abusing me
now I remembered that but never accepted
it never really went with it didn’t want
to deal with it suck it up get over it
well I went into a deep despair I went
into fear guilt I felt guilty that this
happened to me I had no help no support
didn’t want to talk to any of my friends
about it so guess what happened I
started drinking more so fast forward
about six months until I was in my
darkest place I’m sitting in my man cave
which I’m very proud of by the way in my
man cave highly intoxicated and ready I
took out a bottle of vicodin I poured
the pills in my hand that was it
I was done pain was too much I couldn’t
do it anymore
I knew what that gentleman who tried to
hang himself felt like I knew that the
only relief was to end it and I could
strike lightning my phone rang 11:30 at
night as a good friend of mine he had to
tell me about a story he just heard in
the bar you aren’t gonna believe this
you are never gonna believe what he said
and we sat there and we talked and we
talked and we talked and I laughed and
laughed and laughed and as
laughs I put the vicodin pills back in
the bottle and I lived for another day
and there’s one thing I’ve always
overlooked one thing I’ve never accepted
what they have never really done and
that’s thank him for doing that and he’s
here tonight so thank you he saved my
I lived a little more time and four and
a half months later my four month old
daughter is sleeping two flights up and
she was a great baby unbelievable that
that baby slept from the moment she
walked came home to the moment she
turned about 1 or 2 she actually I keep
saying she suckered us into having the
second because not even one of them will
sleep notice the bags under my eyes and
I was sitting down to my Mickey if again
intoxicated see a pattern and I couldn’t
take it anymore the pain was just too
much and this baby this child who never
woke up who went to sleep at 8 o’clock
and woke up at 9 in the morning never
stirred once I poured those bottles
those pills in my hand and she started
screaming bloody murder I had no idea
what was going on a scaredy ever living
bejesus out of me I’ve been a paramedic
for most of my adult life and when your
children get her Oh all bets are off I
become a blubbering idiot
so I ran upstairs and I grabbed her out
of her crib I started rocking her we sat
on our chair
I started playing John Mayer on my phone
and I look down at her face I said she
she needs me so after that I started to
make a change my wife who has always
been a supporter of mine always listened
to me always been there to help me
laughs help me cry always there to
sometimes just not say anything I needed
to do it for her too
I needed to know that this was gonna be
my chance so I started calling
therapists immediately and for the
record I had already tried three
therapists but guess what luck and habit
the fourth times a charm and we clicked
immediately and she zeroed in
immediately on my childhood because she
said your childhood is the reason that
you’re feeling the way you’re feeling
because of your job your childhood that
trauma is because of everything that
you’ve experienced as it this is what
you have to fix
so after tons and tons of
self-reflection which hurt and it was
terrible and it was awful it was so
painful sometimes I couldn’t speak after
I was done I started to get better
prior to this I had ballooned to 450
pounds I was drinking that gallon of
coffee a day I even started chewing
tobacco I was committing suicide by food
and alcohol well I’m proud to say that
after getting my head straight with my
therapist and my family and friends I’m
five to six times a week it’s actually
become somewhat of an obsession and I
don’t suck it up anymore I know I don’t
do that I don’t let anybody feel that
they have to suck it up I talk to
everybody that will listen in regards to
this it’s okay to not be okay it is okay
to be hurt it is okay to feel emotion it
is okay to cry it’s okay my wife and my
best friend will tell you I cry more
than I probably should but it’s okay
I’ve lost a lot of friends to suicide
I’ve lost a lot of friends to drugs and
alcohol and I’ll tell you if one of them
just had a friend
they made a phone call at 11:30 at night
to tell you a funny story maybe it would
work maybe they’d still be here if they
had a four-month-old that screamed at
just the right time maybe they would be
better maybe they wouldn’t be fighting
the demons that they’re still fighting
suck it up doesn’t work if you are in
this field if you know somebody keep an
eye on things
make a phone call send a text message
just check in sometimes the littlest
things and make the biggest of
difference that’s all I’m asking for I
won’t give up I won’t stop my wife knows
that in the middle of the night of three
o’clock in the morning my phone rings
it’s somebody that needs to talk or
somebody that needs me I will get in my
car and drive whatever I have to go I
will not let people be alone I will not
let them be the way I was in that man
cave I won’t do it so all I’m asking is
you do the same suck it up doesn’t work
from the bottom of my heart thank you for listening