let me tell you a story hundreds of
years ago my forefathers came from
Germany and from Wales to South Africa
and if you fast-forward a few hundred
years you would have found my family and
I living in a beautiful little town near
Cape Town in South Africa’s pristine
Winelands I was in primary school during
the time that apartheid was coming to an
end in South Africa but I didn’t know it
the only indication that I had that
something was a little bit off in my
country with two events that came back
to me as a young adult the first event
was when the only black girl in our
school asunder such shivering on the
athletic stance after a long day of
sports and I walked over to her to offer
her my Jersey we no one else did and one
of the mothers of a friend of mine came
to me and said you shouldn’t do that I
realized then that a thunder was somehow
different to the rest of us but I didn’t
know why the second event was when our
school closed for a week during South
Africa’s first democratic election 1994
the mood in the country was palpable
even as a child you could sense the
anxiety about what was going on but no
one at our school explained to us what
was happening when I finished school I
was lucky enough privileged enough to
grow up in a family with immense support
resources and love I could choose what I
wanted to study completed my studies
alongside my siblings and we could
choose the careers of our choice and
have the emotional and structural
support from a family that gave it to us
to choose where we want to start our
young adult life that’s one of the
stories of my life the second story of
my life is that I’m a member of a very
conservative tribe of people called the
Afrikaners and as an Afrikaner woman
irrespective of the professional Heights
I might reach in my career there is a
particular place for me in a family
structure or hierarchy I am seen in a
specific way around where I fit in in
the family structure there is an
expectation around me of what would be
ladylike behavior what would be
appropriate that’s another story of mine
and then of course back to the
Afrikaners an interesting group of
people in a country with many challenges
there’s a story about me being born into
that group of people about our place in
South Africa the role we played in the
country there’s a story about my
identity being predominantly made up of
my race or my language or perhaps even
my religion and that that should somehow
determine the choices that I make for my
future
people expect that the direction I take
from my life flows out of this part of
my identity predominantly if you were
waiting for a dramatic turn in the story
you’d be very disappointed to know that
there isn’t one it’s a normal story and
I’d share it with you because we’re all
born into stories and our stories have
many parts as a facilitator of people I
am deeply passionate about what enables
individuals to be their best selves in
the world to make the contribution that
no one else can make only them I’m
deeply interested to know what does it
take to write a new story for yourself
outside of the story that you were born
into I tell this to you because in front
of me sits more than 200 people who were
all born into their stories and more
profoundly I believe many of you are in
the process of writing your own ones too
because the thing is we often see the
world we’ve been taught to see the world
we see ourselves the way we’ve been
taught to see ourselves
you see others the way we’ve been taught
to see others and in my work as a
facilitator over the past decade I’ve
noticed that the people who are really
great at writing their own story seem to
share one characteristic they seem to be
the people who are able to notice the
impact this story has on them we were
able to perhaps step out of it and fix
the broken relationship change the
course of studies risk that they might
betray someone or hurt someone in the
process of living their own story so I’m
very interested to know what is that
characteristic and what I found is that
those people are the people who embody
courage it takes courage to write your
own story
bring a brown one of my fort heroes
writes about the origin of the word
courage as the Latin word corps which
means to speak one’s mind by telling all
of one’s heart isn’t that beautiful
the speak one’s mind by telling all of
one’s heart because in recent times the
word courage somehow has this meaning
that you’re jumping in front of a bus to
save someone’s life
no it’s an outwardly focused display of
bravery when the origin of the word
courage was all about revealing who you
really are showing yourself to the world
in all of your beautiful human messiness
why is this important because I believe
there’s a paradox in the time we live in
and it’s this on the one hand in most
parts of the world we have more ways
than ever to reveal ourselves to show
the world who we are we are freer than
ever to do that as a people and yet
because we have all these ways to show
ourselves we choose to curate and we use
this word here right ourselves into
these neatly packaged impressions of
what it means to be
human beautiful successful happy we are
afraid of stepping into the light to
show that which is not happy perhaps in
our assessment not beautiful a little
bit messy and politically we are seeing
world leaders who are telling us stories
of who we are that belongs in a previous
time perhaps a century ago or even two
centuries ago who tell us stories about
who we are that no longer serves us that
is not helpful to encourage people to
write their own stories in these people
who embody courage I have noticed the
ability to step into for acts of courage
in order to live this type of life the
first act of courage is paying attention
and I mean really paying attention to me
that means being a great observer of the
world seeing the world for what it is
and then asking yourself I wonder why I
see the world in this way I wonder what
will it take for me to see the situation
differently so in a way the invitation
is to become a different observer of the
world that’s the one part of paying
attention the other part of paying
attention is around showing up arriving
to your relationships and not just being
a bystander to them being present to the
things that require your attention the
difficult conversations and particularly
the ones that you don’t want to have
showing up to those two and the third
part of paying attention is around
listening Nancy Klein writes that
listening has the potential to ignite
the thinking in others that level of
attention listening to pay attention
means that you can generate thoughts in
the people that you’re around because
they sense that you’re there
isn’t that incredible that we have the
capacity to generate thinking in the
ones that we engage
with for me that’s a profound noticing
if I have the potential to show up to my
relationships in a way that generates
thinking in others and that to me means
that I’m less interested in responding
and more interested in what the other
person will say imagine the profound
impact on the world around us I think it
leads to the second act of courage
the act of legitimizing the other
because the thing about our stories is
that they are filled with assessments
judgments opinions standards of how
other people are and in this changing
society we’re surrounded by people who
are different to us and as we walk
around in the bubbles of our stories we
constantly make meaning of what we think
other people are like and they shape the
way we treat them so we often either
treat them as better than us or as less
than us in thinking legitimizing the
other means we are treating others as
our equal in thinking especially if we
disagree with them because we see that
as a space for learning as a space to
expand what we believe about the world
we do not see it as a space of having
our opinion of our own but it embodies
this way of being courageous enough to
step into learning someone from
something from someone even if we
disagree with them the third act of
courage is the act of having
conversations I used to think that there
were only two conversations available to
me the one is a good conversation and
the other one is a bad one and my life
was sort of geared towards avoiding the
bad conversations and trying to have
only the good ones but what I’ve noticed
in people who are really great at
writing their own story is that they
don’t shy away from stepping into a
conversation and Margaret Wheatley
writes that it only takes one person to
it only takes one person to start a
conversation and through our
conversations we literally bring about a
different future to the one that would
have taken place had we not had it so
stepping into the conversation of making
a change in your life telling something
about yourself that you wouldn’t
necessarily reveal fixing that
relationship that’s broken appreciating
someone or going into a conversation to
listen to not necessarily reply all of
those acts of conversation have the
ability to change the course of the
future and it’s all in us the fourth act
of courage is the act of sitting with
discomfort because the thing about our
stories is if we’re living this story
that we were born into you it’s all
neatly paved out for us we know where it
will lead
there isn’t discomfort in that the
future has already been written but if
we are willing to step into a new story
likely it will lead to some
uncomfortable times discomfort for me is
an invitation it points at what matters
it points at something that you care
about it is the road between being
anxious about something that you cannot
control and being curious about what it
might be the most important moment of my
life as a facilitator was a moment in
South Africa I was facilitating a
workshop it was a beautiful summer’s
afternoon and many people were sitting
outside some of them wearing sunglasses
we were having a conversation about team
dynamics at one point one of the women
ought to make a comment at this point
she took off her sunglasses and I could
see that she’d been crying her cheeks
were wet with tears she was still crying
softly
she looked at me and she said the
following I realized today that I had
never shown up to my relationships with
any of my children or with my
grandchildren that means that I have
never been present in six different
relationships with a different intention
other than to end the conversation as
quickly as possible so that I could get
on with what needed to be done I had
never seen more courage than that in
someone’s eyes that noticing that in
front of me was a human being
revealing herself in all of her human
messiness and vulnerability seeing for
the first time the story that she was
born into knowing that showing up paying
attention treating your the people you
engage with as your equals having
conversations and the ability to sit
with the discomfort that brings will
allow her not only to see the people
around her the friendly for the first
time but also I believe to let herself be seen for the first time
years ago my forefathers came from
Germany and from Wales to South Africa
and if you fast-forward a few hundred
years you would have found my family and
I living in a beautiful little town near
Cape Town in South Africa’s pristine
Winelands I was in primary school during
the time that apartheid was coming to an
end in South Africa but I didn’t know it
the only indication that I had that
something was a little bit off in my
country with two events that came back
to me as a young adult the first event
was when the only black girl in our
school asunder such shivering on the
athletic stance after a long day of
sports and I walked over to her to offer
her my Jersey we no one else did and one
of the mothers of a friend of mine came
to me and said you shouldn’t do that I
realized then that a thunder was somehow
different to the rest of us but I didn’t
know why the second event was when our
school closed for a week during South
Africa’s first democratic election 1994
the mood in the country was palpable
even as a child you could sense the
anxiety about what was going on but no
one at our school explained to us what
was happening when I finished school I
was lucky enough privileged enough to
grow up in a family with immense support
resources and love I could choose what I
wanted to study completed my studies
alongside my siblings and we could
choose the careers of our choice and
have the emotional and structural
support from a family that gave it to us
to choose where we want to start our
young adult life that’s one of the
stories of my life the second story of
my life is that I’m a member of a very
conservative tribe of people called the
Afrikaners and as an Afrikaner woman
irrespective of the professional Heights
I might reach in my career there is a
particular place for me in a family
structure or hierarchy I am seen in a
specific way around where I fit in in
the family structure there is an
expectation around me of what would be
ladylike behavior what would be
appropriate that’s another story of mine
and then of course back to the
Afrikaners an interesting group of
people in a country with many challenges
there’s a story about me being born into
that group of people about our place in
South Africa the role we played in the
country there’s a story about my
identity being predominantly made up of
my race or my language or perhaps even
my religion and that that should somehow
determine the choices that I make for my
future
people expect that the direction I take
from my life flows out of this part of
my identity predominantly if you were
waiting for a dramatic turn in the story
you’d be very disappointed to know that
there isn’t one it’s a normal story and
I’d share it with you because we’re all
born into stories and our stories have
many parts as a facilitator of people I
am deeply passionate about what enables
individuals to be their best selves in
the world to make the contribution that
no one else can make only them I’m
deeply interested to know what does it
take to write a new story for yourself
outside of the story that you were born
into I tell this to you because in front
of me sits more than 200 people who were
all born into their stories and more
profoundly I believe many of you are in
the process of writing your own ones too
because the thing is we often see the
world we’ve been taught to see the world
we see ourselves the way we’ve been
taught to see ourselves
you see others the way we’ve been taught
to see others and in my work as a
facilitator over the past decade I’ve
noticed that the people who are really
great at writing their own story seem to
share one characteristic they seem to be
the people who are able to notice the
impact this story has on them we were
able to perhaps step out of it and fix
the broken relationship change the
course of studies risk that they might
betray someone or hurt someone in the
process of living their own story so I’m
very interested to know what is that
characteristic and what I found is that
those people are the people who embody
courage it takes courage to write your
own story
bring a brown one of my fort heroes
writes about the origin of the word
courage as the Latin word corps which
means to speak one’s mind by telling all
of one’s heart isn’t that beautiful
the speak one’s mind by telling all of
one’s heart because in recent times the
word courage somehow has this meaning
that you’re jumping in front of a bus to
save someone’s life
no it’s an outwardly focused display of
bravery when the origin of the word
courage was all about revealing who you
really are showing yourself to the world
in all of your beautiful human messiness
why is this important because I believe
there’s a paradox in the time we live in
and it’s this on the one hand in most
parts of the world we have more ways
than ever to reveal ourselves to show
the world who we are we are freer than
ever to do that as a people and yet
because we have all these ways to show
ourselves we choose to curate and we use
this word here right ourselves into
these neatly packaged impressions of
what it means to be
human beautiful successful happy we are
afraid of stepping into the light to
show that which is not happy perhaps in
our assessment not beautiful a little
bit messy and politically we are seeing
world leaders who are telling us stories
of who we are that belongs in a previous
time perhaps a century ago or even two
centuries ago who tell us stories about
who we are that no longer serves us that
is not helpful to encourage people to
write their own stories in these people
who embody courage I have noticed the
ability to step into for acts of courage
in order to live this type of life the
first act of courage is paying attention
and I mean really paying attention to me
that means being a great observer of the
world seeing the world for what it is
and then asking yourself I wonder why I
see the world in this way I wonder what
will it take for me to see the situation
differently so in a way the invitation
is to become a different observer of the
world that’s the one part of paying
attention the other part of paying
attention is around showing up arriving
to your relationships and not just being
a bystander to them being present to the
things that require your attention the
difficult conversations and particularly
the ones that you don’t want to have
showing up to those two and the third
part of paying attention is around
listening Nancy Klein writes that
listening has the potential to ignite
the thinking in others that level of
attention listening to pay attention
means that you can generate thoughts in
the people that you’re around because
they sense that you’re there
isn’t that incredible that we have the
capacity to generate thinking in the
ones that we engage
with for me that’s a profound noticing
if I have the potential to show up to my
relationships in a way that generates
thinking in others and that to me means
that I’m less interested in responding
and more interested in what the other
person will say imagine the profound
impact on the world around us I think it
leads to the second act of courage
the act of legitimizing the other
because the thing about our stories is
that they are filled with assessments
judgments opinions standards of how
other people are and in this changing
society we’re surrounded by people who
are different to us and as we walk
around in the bubbles of our stories we
constantly make meaning of what we think
other people are like and they shape the
way we treat them so we often either
treat them as better than us or as less
than us in thinking legitimizing the
other means we are treating others as
our equal in thinking especially if we
disagree with them because we see that
as a space for learning as a space to
expand what we believe about the world
we do not see it as a space of having
our opinion of our own but it embodies
this way of being courageous enough to
step into learning someone from
something from someone even if we
disagree with them the third act of
courage is the act of having
conversations I used to think that there
were only two conversations available to
me the one is a good conversation and
the other one is a bad one and my life
was sort of geared towards avoiding the
bad conversations and trying to have
only the good ones but what I’ve noticed
in people who are really great at
writing their own story is that they
don’t shy away from stepping into a
conversation and Margaret Wheatley
writes that it only takes one person to
it only takes one person to start a
conversation and through our
conversations we literally bring about a
different future to the one that would
have taken place had we not had it so
stepping into the conversation of making
a change in your life telling something
about yourself that you wouldn’t
necessarily reveal fixing that
relationship that’s broken appreciating
someone or going into a conversation to
listen to not necessarily reply all of
those acts of conversation have the
ability to change the course of the
future and it’s all in us the fourth act
of courage is the act of sitting with
discomfort because the thing about our
stories is if we’re living this story
that we were born into you it’s all
neatly paved out for us we know where it
will lead
there isn’t discomfort in that the
future has already been written but if
we are willing to step into a new story
likely it will lead to some
uncomfortable times discomfort for me is
an invitation it points at what matters
it points at something that you care
about it is the road between being
anxious about something that you cannot
control and being curious about what it
might be the most important moment of my
life as a facilitator was a moment in
South Africa I was facilitating a
workshop it was a beautiful summer’s
afternoon and many people were sitting
outside some of them wearing sunglasses
we were having a conversation about team
dynamics at one point one of the women
ought to make a comment at this point
she took off her sunglasses and I could
see that she’d been crying her cheeks
were wet with tears she was still crying
softly
she looked at me and she said the
following I realized today that I had
never shown up to my relationships with
any of my children or with my
grandchildren that means that I have
never been present in six different
relationships with a different intention
other than to end the conversation as
quickly as possible so that I could get
on with what needed to be done I had
never seen more courage than that in
someone’s eyes that noticing that in
front of me was a human being
revealing herself in all of her human
messiness and vulnerability seeing for
the first time the story that she was
born into knowing that showing up paying
attention treating your the people you
engage with as your equals having
conversations and the ability to sit
with the discomfort that brings will
allow her not only to see the people
around her the friendly for the first
time but also I believe to let herself be seen for the first time
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