the last time I stood on the stage I
spoke of the struggle I endured within
myself through my battle with an eating
disorder today I stand before you ready
to share something that I haven’t shared
with many before now a few months into
the semester last spring I was faced
with making a difficult decision
my personal struggles weren’t letting up
and it seemed nearly impossible to make
it to class every day physically and
mentally I realized that although I had
come miles from where I used to be I
wasn’t quite where I wanted to be I made
the decision to readmit myself to the
same rehabilitation program I entered
two times previous about a week into the
program my nurses and mental health
worker sat with me giving me the worst
news of my life my best friend and
number one support had passed away I
don’t know how to compare anything to
receiving news like this I really don’t
this news came at a time that I was
extremely vulnerable and that only
exasperated the feelings I was having I
immediately felt lost alone and broken
all things I’ve experienced before but
not this way the only person I wanted to
talk to about the pain I was in was my
best friend himself that night with
every precaution taken the nurses took
all of my stuff and put me in a room
with a bed a pillow and a blanket that’s
it I had to sleep with the light on be
monitored every second I was awake or
even sleeping they called it suicide
observation I was confused because I
didn’t want to die I didn’t want to hurt
myself every day the doctor asked me if
I wanted to kill myself the first few
days the answer was no while I was still
inpatient I was safe 24/7 however when I
transition to a day program I was only
safe under the watch of doctors and
nurses 12 hours a day those nose
soon turned into yeses in those yeses
turn into serious intent with a genuine
desire to not make it to tomorrow a
little over a month after that I was
discharged from the program this
although exciting on one hand would be
the scariest life I ever lived I
continued to see outpatient providers
but something wasn’t right I knew what
was wrong
I feared admitting it as I didn’t want
to be sent right back to the hospital
I wanted to end my life and I was intent
on it when I first started to struggle
with these thoughts I felt completely
alone what I didn’t know at the time was
that I was one of 9.3 million adults in
the United States those having serious
thoughts of completing suicide with
around the world population of seven
billion people that seems very small the
percentage comes out to about four
percent whether the number be 4 percent
or 40 percent I believe that number will
always be too high the thoughts I was
having were constant I was afraid of
myself I couldn’t get away from the pain
I was feeling no matter how much
medicine I was prescribed or how many
hours of sleep I got I was stuck in a
mind that didn’t want to be alive I
remember days where I would fight with
my parents about wanting to die
threatening to as bad as this is gonna
sound essentially take my own life in
front of them it wasn’t just the grief
it was the depression the crippling
anxiety the constant fight in my head
with a voice that wanted me gone the
voice that told me I wasn’t good enough
not smart enough not pretty enough the
struggle with an eating disorder that
told me to star for myself until I
couldn’t anymore nobody knew how to help
me I didn’t know how to help me I had
had it I told myself this if things
don’t get any better with better being
an extremely loose term at that point by
July 30th I’m done
I had registered for the fall semester
with no intent on being here to complete
it I talked about a career in psychology
knowing I would never get there I
thought more about the dress my family
would outfit me in when I was gone than
my wedding dress I began to tell people
that it wouldn’t matter if I drove off
the road or if I didn’t wake up that’s
just how low I was I wish I had a light
bulb moment that told me life was worth
living but I didn’t I did however find a
job at the end of June something my best
friend told me before he died was that
the work made his life worth something
when he was doing for others that was
when he was truly happy I didn’t think
I’d find that in a retail
and truthfully I didn’t but what I found
was a new circle and company that stands
for everything I do
a group of people who accepted the past
that I had and loved me for it
a job that I was actually good at and I
believed I was good at it I want to say
it was around July 27th that I had a
thought about the date that was in my
near future and truthfully I didn’t
think much about it I realized that in
the week since I started my job I was
distracted I wasn’t necessarily dealing
with the grief or the depression or the
anxiety I was just living I was working
I was continuing to be social I was
creating art I didn’t fit society’s
picture of a girl who wanted to kill
herself but that’s the thing you know
almost nobody who wants to kill
themselves is the stereotypical suicidal
individual that society tells us about
it’s our mothers our fathers our
brothers and our friends it’s our
teachers actors musicians and the worst
thing about it all is that we don’t
learn of the struggle before it’s too
late
we as a society are not aware of the
signs and symptoms that are left by
victims of suicide we grieve in shock
when our beloved musician takes his life
but we cease to see the signs that are
so clearly there I don’t have a story
that delves into July 30th coming and
realizing what day it was and acting
upon it I don’t honestly I didn’t
realize the day had passed into one of
the first days of August up until then I
feared being one of the 123 suicides per
day in the United States once that day
came and went
I learned something I learned what I
wish I could tell the people who are
struggling now and that is it doesn’t
have to end that way there are other
ways out of your pain that aren’t ending
at all and honestly that is different
for every single person the way I cope
may not be the way you cope and that’s
okay there’s help out there there’s life
out there I think it’s silly in a way to
say that my job saved my life because at
the end of the day I saved my own life
I’m the reason I’m still here even on
the days I don’t want to be however my
job
provided the feeling of purpose that I
so desperately needed at the time it
acted as a bridge of distraction to get
me from one side to another and I’ll be
honest
suicidal thoughts don’t just go away in
the deepest pits of grief they do exist
at the wit’s end with depression they’re
there when my anxiety is so bad that I
can’t function at all I ask myself if
it’s even worth it anymore but it is
life outside of these things these sad
and awful things does exist just sadly
and it pains me beyond belief to say
this we don’t all make it I did make it
though some days I asked myself how but
I just remember that I did I’m back in
school I’m here I’m still working the
job I love with the people that I love I
have the most amazing friends I’m an
outpatient therapy I feel like a person
again instead of just a sad empty shell
I want you to know that if you’re
struggling with depression for the loss
of a loved one or school herb elation
chips or anything really that something
more exists outside of it I learned
through my loss what helps me heal that
is helping people and creating art I
know now what I want to do with my life
where I want my career to take me I’ve
learned to cherish the moments that I do
share with the ones that I love there’s
a lot about death that I still don’t
really understand and try to cope with
on a daily basis I’m learning how to
live without someone that I thought
would be in my life a lot longer
learning Who I am as a result of who he
was in my life rather than grieving Who
I am without him I do struggle but I
also believe with everything in me that
these bad things that have happened to
me have made me who I am I want you to
know that if you are struggling there
are resources out there something I
learned in the deepest part of my
struggle was how important it is to be
honest about how you’re feeling and ask
for help
I learned this in getting help for my
eating disorder and again when
struggling this past year there are both
local and national resources that I’ll
show now for those struggling check into
these resources there are 24-hour crisis
lines and text lines in treat
centers that were developed for people
just like you and me there’s no shame
with asking for help with admitting a
struggle it is a sign of strength to
reach out and ask for what you truly
need for those that are allies meaning
that you have a loved one that is
struggling I truly encourage you to
visit these websites if it will make you
at the very least a little more informed
about the signs of someone struggling
with suicide or any mental health
condition after my struggle last year I
received the QPR question persuade and
refers to data in suicide prevention I
learned just how susceptible I was to
struggle like this one and ways to help
others in the same place I was I also
encourage you to get involved in the
mental health community I believe we’re
an extremely underrepresented group even
today deux trois arbres struggles being
invisible to the naked eye sign up for
an out of the darkness walk donate to
the cause or start a conversation I
finally encourage you to be an advocate
be an advocate for the ones we have lost
and help us prevent losing individuals
in the future for me my story has a
relatively happy ending I found things
that I truly loved about life and I
encourage you to do the same find a spot
where you can see the sunset and watch
one take a walk in the woods listen to
the sounds around you discover a
favorite song and sing it at the top of
your lungs do things that make you happy
even when you’re struggling I’ve said it
before and I’ll say it again if you’re
struggling tell someone no matter what
it is no matter how many times you’ve
convinced yourself that no one cares
someone I guarantee you someone cares
about you and wants to help you no
matter how alone the depression makes
you feel or how panic the anxiety makes
you there are people there to listen to
you even if it is a car therapy session
at 2:00 in the morning
I’m learning everyday that self-care is
not selfish it’s truly necessary to
survive I’ll be the first one to say
I’ve heard stories like this one before
saying that it gets better as time goes
on and I’ll be honest with you I thought
all these stories were complete
when I first heard them I didn’t think
it was possible to hit rock bottom and
return
at least I didn’t want to return what
I’ve learned is that life is a funny way
of just working out even when it seems
like there’s nothing left to look for I
was there I was completely set on
leaving this world however something
said one more job interview one more day
one more chance and that’s what you have
to force yourself to hold on to you have
to force yourself to reach out to be raw
completely honest you have to remember
that you are put here for a reason and
your reason wasn’t to succumb to the
pain that this life throws at you this
is something else I’m continuing to
learn most importantly remember that you
can and you will grow I always remember
the parable of the mustard seed jesus
said that the kingdom of heaven is like
a grain of mustard seed the smallest of
all the seeds but when it is grown it is
greater than the herbs and becomes a
tree so that the birds will come in
Lodge and its branches I used to talk to
my friend about who I would become one
day and he told me you can’t be the
woman you’re going to be by staying the
girl that you are and as much as I hate
to say it I think I had to lose part of
myself to continue on the path of
becoming the woman I am destined to be
for me living has been one of the
hardest things I’ve ever done
but at the end of the day it is also the
bravest thank you [Applause]
spoke of the struggle I endured within
myself through my battle with an eating
disorder today I stand before you ready
to share something that I haven’t shared
with many before now a few months into
the semester last spring I was faced
with making a difficult decision
my personal struggles weren’t letting up
and it seemed nearly impossible to make
it to class every day physically and
mentally I realized that although I had
come miles from where I used to be I
wasn’t quite where I wanted to be I made
the decision to readmit myself to the
same rehabilitation program I entered
two times previous about a week into the
program my nurses and mental health
worker sat with me giving me the worst
news of my life my best friend and
number one support had passed away I
don’t know how to compare anything to
receiving news like this I really don’t
this news came at a time that I was
extremely vulnerable and that only
exasperated the feelings I was having I
immediately felt lost alone and broken
all things I’ve experienced before but
not this way the only person I wanted to
talk to about the pain I was in was my
best friend himself that night with
every precaution taken the nurses took
all of my stuff and put me in a room
with a bed a pillow and a blanket that’s
it I had to sleep with the light on be
monitored every second I was awake or
even sleeping they called it suicide
observation I was confused because I
didn’t want to die I didn’t want to hurt
myself every day the doctor asked me if
I wanted to kill myself the first few
days the answer was no while I was still
inpatient I was safe 24/7 however when I
transition to a day program I was only
safe under the watch of doctors and
nurses 12 hours a day those nose
soon turned into yeses in those yeses
turn into serious intent with a genuine
desire to not make it to tomorrow a
little over a month after that I was
discharged from the program this
although exciting on one hand would be
the scariest life I ever lived I
continued to see outpatient providers
but something wasn’t right I knew what
was wrong
I feared admitting it as I didn’t want
to be sent right back to the hospital
I wanted to end my life and I was intent
on it when I first started to struggle
with these thoughts I felt completely
alone what I didn’t know at the time was
that I was one of 9.3 million adults in
the United States those having serious
thoughts of completing suicide with
around the world population of seven
billion people that seems very small the
percentage comes out to about four
percent whether the number be 4 percent
or 40 percent I believe that number will
always be too high the thoughts I was
having were constant I was afraid of
myself I couldn’t get away from the pain
I was feeling no matter how much
medicine I was prescribed or how many
hours of sleep I got I was stuck in a
mind that didn’t want to be alive I
remember days where I would fight with
my parents about wanting to die
threatening to as bad as this is gonna
sound essentially take my own life in
front of them it wasn’t just the grief
it was the depression the crippling
anxiety the constant fight in my head
with a voice that wanted me gone the
voice that told me I wasn’t good enough
not smart enough not pretty enough the
struggle with an eating disorder that
told me to star for myself until I
couldn’t anymore nobody knew how to help
me I didn’t know how to help me I had
had it I told myself this if things
don’t get any better with better being
an extremely loose term at that point by
July 30th I’m done
I had registered for the fall semester
with no intent on being here to complete
it I talked about a career in psychology
knowing I would never get there I
thought more about the dress my family
would outfit me in when I was gone than
my wedding dress I began to tell people
that it wouldn’t matter if I drove off
the road or if I didn’t wake up that’s
just how low I was I wish I had a light
bulb moment that told me life was worth
living but I didn’t I did however find a
job at the end of June something my best
friend told me before he died was that
the work made his life worth something
when he was doing for others that was
when he was truly happy I didn’t think
I’d find that in a retail
and truthfully I didn’t but what I found
was a new circle and company that stands
for everything I do
a group of people who accepted the past
that I had and loved me for it
a job that I was actually good at and I
believed I was good at it I want to say
it was around July 27th that I had a
thought about the date that was in my
near future and truthfully I didn’t
think much about it I realized that in
the week since I started my job I was
distracted I wasn’t necessarily dealing
with the grief or the depression or the
anxiety I was just living I was working
I was continuing to be social I was
creating art I didn’t fit society’s
picture of a girl who wanted to kill
herself but that’s the thing you know
almost nobody who wants to kill
themselves is the stereotypical suicidal
individual that society tells us about
it’s our mothers our fathers our
brothers and our friends it’s our
teachers actors musicians and the worst
thing about it all is that we don’t
learn of the struggle before it’s too
late
we as a society are not aware of the
signs and symptoms that are left by
victims of suicide we grieve in shock
when our beloved musician takes his life
but we cease to see the signs that are
so clearly there I don’t have a story
that delves into July 30th coming and
realizing what day it was and acting
upon it I don’t honestly I didn’t
realize the day had passed into one of
the first days of August up until then I
feared being one of the 123 suicides per
day in the United States once that day
came and went
I learned something I learned what I
wish I could tell the people who are
struggling now and that is it doesn’t
have to end that way there are other
ways out of your pain that aren’t ending
at all and honestly that is different
for every single person the way I cope
may not be the way you cope and that’s
okay there’s help out there there’s life
out there I think it’s silly in a way to
say that my job saved my life because at
the end of the day I saved my own life
I’m the reason I’m still here even on
the days I don’t want to be however my
job
provided the feeling of purpose that I
so desperately needed at the time it
acted as a bridge of distraction to get
me from one side to another and I’ll be
honest
suicidal thoughts don’t just go away in
the deepest pits of grief they do exist
at the wit’s end with depression they’re
there when my anxiety is so bad that I
can’t function at all I ask myself if
it’s even worth it anymore but it is
life outside of these things these sad
and awful things does exist just sadly
and it pains me beyond belief to say
this we don’t all make it I did make it
though some days I asked myself how but
I just remember that I did I’m back in
school I’m here I’m still working the
job I love with the people that I love I
have the most amazing friends I’m an
outpatient therapy I feel like a person
again instead of just a sad empty shell
I want you to know that if you’re
struggling with depression for the loss
of a loved one or school herb elation
chips or anything really that something
more exists outside of it I learned
through my loss what helps me heal that
is helping people and creating art I
know now what I want to do with my life
where I want my career to take me I’ve
learned to cherish the moments that I do
share with the ones that I love there’s
a lot about death that I still don’t
really understand and try to cope with
on a daily basis I’m learning how to
live without someone that I thought
would be in my life a lot longer
learning Who I am as a result of who he
was in my life rather than grieving Who
I am without him I do struggle but I
also believe with everything in me that
these bad things that have happened to
me have made me who I am I want you to
know that if you are struggling there
are resources out there something I
learned in the deepest part of my
struggle was how important it is to be
honest about how you’re feeling and ask
for help
I learned this in getting help for my
eating disorder and again when
struggling this past year there are both
local and national resources that I’ll
show now for those struggling check into
these resources there are 24-hour crisis
lines and text lines in treat
centers that were developed for people
just like you and me there’s no shame
with asking for help with admitting a
struggle it is a sign of strength to
reach out and ask for what you truly
need for those that are allies meaning
that you have a loved one that is
struggling I truly encourage you to
visit these websites if it will make you
at the very least a little more informed
about the signs of someone struggling
with suicide or any mental health
condition after my struggle last year I
received the QPR question persuade and
refers to data in suicide prevention I
learned just how susceptible I was to
struggle like this one and ways to help
others in the same place I was I also
encourage you to get involved in the
mental health community I believe we’re
an extremely underrepresented group even
today deux trois arbres struggles being
invisible to the naked eye sign up for
an out of the darkness walk donate to
the cause or start a conversation I
finally encourage you to be an advocate
be an advocate for the ones we have lost
and help us prevent losing individuals
in the future for me my story has a
relatively happy ending I found things
that I truly loved about life and I
encourage you to do the same find a spot
where you can see the sunset and watch
one take a walk in the woods listen to
the sounds around you discover a
favorite song and sing it at the top of
your lungs do things that make you happy
even when you’re struggling I’ve said it
before and I’ll say it again if you’re
struggling tell someone no matter what
it is no matter how many times you’ve
convinced yourself that no one cares
someone I guarantee you someone cares
about you and wants to help you no
matter how alone the depression makes
you feel or how panic the anxiety makes
you there are people there to listen to
you even if it is a car therapy session
at 2:00 in the morning
I’m learning everyday that self-care is
not selfish it’s truly necessary to
survive I’ll be the first one to say
I’ve heard stories like this one before
saying that it gets better as time goes
on and I’ll be honest with you I thought
all these stories were complete
when I first heard them I didn’t think
it was possible to hit rock bottom and
return
at least I didn’t want to return what
I’ve learned is that life is a funny way
of just working out even when it seems
like there’s nothing left to look for I
was there I was completely set on
leaving this world however something
said one more job interview one more day
one more chance and that’s what you have
to force yourself to hold on to you have
to force yourself to reach out to be raw
completely honest you have to remember
that you are put here for a reason and
your reason wasn’t to succumb to the
pain that this life throws at you this
is something else I’m continuing to
learn most importantly remember that you
can and you will grow I always remember
the parable of the mustard seed jesus
said that the kingdom of heaven is like
a grain of mustard seed the smallest of
all the seeds but when it is grown it is
greater than the herbs and becomes a
tree so that the birds will come in
Lodge and its branches I used to talk to
my friend about who I would become one
day and he told me you can’t be the
woman you’re going to be by staying the
girl that you are and as much as I hate
to say it I think I had to lose part of
myself to continue on the path of
becoming the woman I am destined to be
for me living has been one of the
hardest things I’ve ever done
but at the end of the day it is also the
bravest thank you [Applause]
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