five years ago I was at a men’s retreat
this is where I had an opportunity to
meet James a fifty year old man I
immediately looked up to James was
successful he had a wife that he loved
and two daughters that he admired he
even had that full head of hair thing
going on which is kind of annoying
actually I said James man if I didn’t
like my life so much I would want yours
what are you doing here at this men’s
retreat the answer he gave me sent a
chill down my spine
he said Dominic I’m here because I’m
afraid that I am incapable of
experiencing joy I shook my head and I
said James how’s that possible for the
life that you’ve built with yourself and
he’s like Dominic I don’t know ever
since I was a kid I set goals and I
crushed him it’s what I do and life has
been good to me I have a wonderful
family I’m surrounded by beautiful
things but I’m going to be honest when I
check in with myself on the inside I
don’t real feel I don’t feel much of
anything at all and that is starting to
scare me see what I came to learn about
James like many men is that he had built
his entire life around external
achievements and he became a wonderful
provider for his family he became
admired and respected by the communities
that surrounded him and he became
increasingly numb to all of it on the
inside you don’t think his wife feels
that I don’t think his daughters feel
that and what I came to learn is that
many men follow this journey James I
wonder if you have a James like that in
your life a father a friend maybe a son
maybe you’re married to him you see this
script plays out far too often and I’ve
seen too many of the consequences of
this in the thousands of men that I’ve
coached and worked with over the past
decade men in their 20s are hungry to
make something of themselves in this
world men in their 30s start to reap
some of the rewards of that hard work
men in their 40s have many of those
things they work so hard to get and they
start to wonder why it doesn’t feel
better and then men in their fifties
start to experience that sensation the
henry david thoreau calls living a life
of quiet desperation it has been said
that the definition of hell is that on
your last day on earth the person that
you became meets
the person you could have become I want
to know how we short-circuit that
trajectory how do I make sure that James
doesn’t end up there where the men in
your life don’t end up there either
see there’s so many of these pivotal
moments that a man experiences on his
way to becoming a man like losing his
virginity or that first time eating an
entire pizza by yourself that’s a big
one for a lot of men but there is a
moment that’s missing and it’s this
missing moment that keeps accomplished
men like James publicly decorated and
privately confused it’s this missing
moment that keeps good men feeling alone
isolated disconnected and increasingly
unhappy and do you know who feels the
reverberating effects of that women do
that’s why we need to create a new
moment for men a moment when a man turns
his attention from those external
conquests and takes his first step on
the inner journey fearlessly confronting
the questions of who am i what do I want
from this life and what do I want to
leave behind this is the bold journey
that women want us to take and by the
way when I’m talking to men I don’t tell
them any of that stuff as soon as I say
the words emotions it’s like a full
system shut down okay a few years ago I
was running a workshop for a large
investment company and I had a chance to
meet Karl Karl was by far the number-one
salesperson in that company like hero
level status and during one of the
workshops Karl raised his hand he’s
waving his piece of paper he’s like
dominant he got to see this big grin on
his face so I raced over and I look at
this piece of paper and he had just
gotten the results back on an emotional
intelligence assessment that he’d just
taken and the thing that he was so
delighted for me to see was that he had
just scored a zero on empathy he thought
this was hilarious – so I’m scratching
my head and I’m trying to figure out why
he thinks this is so funny when finally
a lightbulb goes off for me and I said
Karl is the reason why do you believe
that a zero on empathy is one of the
reasons why you’re so successful at
navigating these high-stress sales
situations and he looks at me like I’m
an idiot
goes yeah of course and I said I
understand but it kind of also might
make you a sociopath to many men like
Karl have been raised to believe that
emotional stoicism is a strength but how
can I argue with Karl on that because in
his worldview the reason why he’s number
one at what he does is because he’s been
better at suppressing his emotions than
anyone else and now being number one is
central to his identity of being a man
he’s not gonna allow anything in that
could threaten that like emotions you
see too many men have been led to
believe that emotions and a showing
emotionality is the enemy to competing
and winning because when a man is
competing and winning he is called
driven successful and ambitious so yes
of course we want men to do the
emotional work but the current reward
system favors the status quo that’s why
this conversation is not for Karl he’s
not interested in changing at least not
right now this is a conversation for
James who has demonstrated an interest
in looking for a new way and for those
of you who have a man in your life that
you care about and it presumably a
desire to influence to take that first
step as well but I got to tell you your
work is going to be cut out for you
because even when a man has a desire to
go internally he still may face ridicule
from other men guys help me out with
this one let’s say it’s Sunday afternoon
you’re watching the games drinking some
beers eating chicken wings and you turn
to your buddies and you tell them that
you’re gonna go on a men’s retreat next
weekend do they a put the game on pause
and sit down and ask probing insightful
questions with genuine curiosity or be
asked you for me to help packing your
skirt and heels these stigmas are
outdated but for too many men they are
far too real so of course we want men to
learn vulnerability and emotional
fluency but we can’t advertise that on
the cover of the box because not enough
men will buy it to paraphrase the
brilliant author and therapist Esther
Perel
masculinity does not seem to be this
natural
birth rate that men are just given we
have to go out and earn it and then
vigilantly maintain it over the course
of life’s actions in that respect it’s a
lot like how Trust functions you can
spend your entire life building trust
and you can lose it in an instant
because Trust is fragile like that and
as it turns out so is masculinity be a
man suck it up are you gonna take that
these are all regular moments of
reckoning that determine whether or not
a man gets to keep his manhood hello man
contemporary loses masculinity by not
finishing his beer so until that changes
the way that we create that missing
moment that essential entry point for a
man to turn inward is by creating a new
reward system a new set of payoffs that
is clear desirable and in alignment with
a man’s current worldview here are three
of those payoffs payoff number one a man
who does in her work place bigger games
too many men are playing only the games
they know they can win because a man who
has not done the inner work he buries
his desires he dilutes his dreams he
distracts himself in his work because he
does not have the inner fortitude to go
for what he wants he doesn’t even know
what he wants but the man who does inner
work lives out over his edge constantly
payoff number two women find a man who
does in her work irresistible you see
women have a sixth sense at sniffing out
a man who’s out of alignment because a
man who’s out of alignment is dangerous
and no matter how put together on the
surface he may appear deep down inside
she knows she can never really trust him
or feel safe around him a man who’s done
that in her work is in alignment and she
can feel his intentionality his purpose
he honors emotions she can feel safe
scene supported that’s irresistible and
payoff number three a man who does the
inner work builds bigger futures for
everyone around him a man living the
highest version of himself
naturally calls others forward to do the
same for themselves and he creates
where others can thrive businesses
family members and people he cares about
he leaves this world a better place than
how he found it
these are payoffs worth fighting for
worth changing for worth doing the work
for and all it takes is the desire to
find that moment to take that first step
in word and that first step does not
have to be something grandiose it could
be something as simple as reading a book
like outwitting the devil by Napoleon
Hill which has changed my life many
times over it could be like going on a
men’s retreat such as the mankind
project which has been around for
decades and is available globally I went
on that retreat and it changed my life
and it could be joining a men’s group
which are popping up all over the United
States I’ve been a part of one for the
past year every Monday night I get
together with seven other men and for
two hours we do the inner work and
without these men I wouldn’t be here on
the stage that’s where I found my voice
one of the men in our group just closed
a deal with Elon Musk if you want to
talk about playing bigger games and the
reason why those accomplishments are so
sweet is because we’ve done the inner
work and it’s in alignment with who we
want to be what we want to make of this
life and what we want to leave behind I
would like to take a moment to speak
specifically to the women the
responsibility for creating that missing
moment to turn inward is not on your
shoulders it is on ours as men and you
have a remarkable ability to influence
the men in your life so if you feel
called I invite you to call the men
afford to take that first step on the
inner journey Henry David Thoreau once
said it is easier to sail many thousands
of miles through cold and storm and
cannibals than it is to explore the
private sea the Atlantic and Pacific
oceans of one’s being alone there are
many moments along a man’s inner journey
that he must go at alone but that first
moment does not need to be one of them
let’s create that moment together thank
you [Applause]
this is where I had an opportunity to
meet James a fifty year old man I
immediately looked up to James was
successful he had a wife that he loved
and two daughters that he admired he
even had that full head of hair thing
going on which is kind of annoying
actually I said James man if I didn’t
like my life so much I would want yours
what are you doing here at this men’s
retreat the answer he gave me sent a
chill down my spine
he said Dominic I’m here because I’m
afraid that I am incapable of
experiencing joy I shook my head and I
said James how’s that possible for the
life that you’ve built with yourself and
he’s like Dominic I don’t know ever
since I was a kid I set goals and I
crushed him it’s what I do and life has
been good to me I have a wonderful
family I’m surrounded by beautiful
things but I’m going to be honest when I
check in with myself on the inside I
don’t real feel I don’t feel much of
anything at all and that is starting to
scare me see what I came to learn about
James like many men is that he had built
his entire life around external
achievements and he became a wonderful
provider for his family he became
admired and respected by the communities
that surrounded him and he became
increasingly numb to all of it on the
inside you don’t think his wife feels
that I don’t think his daughters feel
that and what I came to learn is that
many men follow this journey James I
wonder if you have a James like that in
your life a father a friend maybe a son
maybe you’re married to him you see this
script plays out far too often and I’ve
seen too many of the consequences of
this in the thousands of men that I’ve
coached and worked with over the past
decade men in their 20s are hungry to
make something of themselves in this
world men in their 30s start to reap
some of the rewards of that hard work
men in their 40s have many of those
things they work so hard to get and they
start to wonder why it doesn’t feel
better and then men in their fifties
start to experience that sensation the
henry david thoreau calls living a life
of quiet desperation it has been said
that the definition of hell is that on
your last day on earth the person that
you became meets
the person you could have become I want
to know how we short-circuit that
trajectory how do I make sure that James
doesn’t end up there where the men in
your life don’t end up there either
see there’s so many of these pivotal
moments that a man experiences on his
way to becoming a man like losing his
virginity or that first time eating an
entire pizza by yourself that’s a big
one for a lot of men but there is a
moment that’s missing and it’s this
missing moment that keeps accomplished
men like James publicly decorated and
privately confused it’s this missing
moment that keeps good men feeling alone
isolated disconnected and increasingly
unhappy and do you know who feels the
reverberating effects of that women do
that’s why we need to create a new
moment for men a moment when a man turns
his attention from those external
conquests and takes his first step on
the inner journey fearlessly confronting
the questions of who am i what do I want
from this life and what do I want to
leave behind this is the bold journey
that women want us to take and by the
way when I’m talking to men I don’t tell
them any of that stuff as soon as I say
the words emotions it’s like a full
system shut down okay a few years ago I
was running a workshop for a large
investment company and I had a chance to
meet Karl Karl was by far the number-one
salesperson in that company like hero
level status and during one of the
workshops Karl raised his hand he’s
waving his piece of paper he’s like
dominant he got to see this big grin on
his face so I raced over and I look at
this piece of paper and he had just
gotten the results back on an emotional
intelligence assessment that he’d just
taken and the thing that he was so
delighted for me to see was that he had
just scored a zero on empathy he thought
this was hilarious – so I’m scratching
my head and I’m trying to figure out why
he thinks this is so funny when finally
a lightbulb goes off for me and I said
Karl is the reason why do you believe
that a zero on empathy is one of the
reasons why you’re so successful at
navigating these high-stress sales
situations and he looks at me like I’m
an idiot
goes yeah of course and I said I
understand but it kind of also might
make you a sociopath to many men like
Karl have been raised to believe that
emotional stoicism is a strength but how
can I argue with Karl on that because in
his worldview the reason why he’s number
one at what he does is because he’s been
better at suppressing his emotions than
anyone else and now being number one is
central to his identity of being a man
he’s not gonna allow anything in that
could threaten that like emotions you
see too many men have been led to
believe that emotions and a showing
emotionality is the enemy to competing
and winning because when a man is
competing and winning he is called
driven successful and ambitious so yes
of course we want men to do the
emotional work but the current reward
system favors the status quo that’s why
this conversation is not for Karl he’s
not interested in changing at least not
right now this is a conversation for
James who has demonstrated an interest
in looking for a new way and for those
of you who have a man in your life that
you care about and it presumably a
desire to influence to take that first
step as well but I got to tell you your
work is going to be cut out for you
because even when a man has a desire to
go internally he still may face ridicule
from other men guys help me out with
this one let’s say it’s Sunday afternoon
you’re watching the games drinking some
beers eating chicken wings and you turn
to your buddies and you tell them that
you’re gonna go on a men’s retreat next
weekend do they a put the game on pause
and sit down and ask probing insightful
questions with genuine curiosity or be
asked you for me to help packing your
skirt and heels these stigmas are
outdated but for too many men they are
far too real so of course we want men to
learn vulnerability and emotional
fluency but we can’t advertise that on
the cover of the box because not enough
men will buy it to paraphrase the
brilliant author and therapist Esther
Perel
masculinity does not seem to be this
natural
birth rate that men are just given we
have to go out and earn it and then
vigilantly maintain it over the course
of life’s actions in that respect it’s a
lot like how Trust functions you can
spend your entire life building trust
and you can lose it in an instant
because Trust is fragile like that and
as it turns out so is masculinity be a
man suck it up are you gonna take that
these are all regular moments of
reckoning that determine whether or not
a man gets to keep his manhood hello man
contemporary loses masculinity by not
finishing his beer so until that changes
the way that we create that missing
moment that essential entry point for a
man to turn inward is by creating a new
reward system a new set of payoffs that
is clear desirable and in alignment with
a man’s current worldview here are three
of those payoffs payoff number one a man
who does in her work place bigger games
too many men are playing only the games
they know they can win because a man who
has not done the inner work he buries
his desires he dilutes his dreams he
distracts himself in his work because he
does not have the inner fortitude to go
for what he wants he doesn’t even know
what he wants but the man who does inner
work lives out over his edge constantly
payoff number two women find a man who
does in her work irresistible you see
women have a sixth sense at sniffing out
a man who’s out of alignment because a
man who’s out of alignment is dangerous
and no matter how put together on the
surface he may appear deep down inside
she knows she can never really trust him
or feel safe around him a man who’s done
that in her work is in alignment and she
can feel his intentionality his purpose
he honors emotions she can feel safe
scene supported that’s irresistible and
payoff number three a man who does the
inner work builds bigger futures for
everyone around him a man living the
highest version of himself
naturally calls others forward to do the
same for themselves and he creates
where others can thrive businesses
family members and people he cares about
he leaves this world a better place than
how he found it
these are payoffs worth fighting for
worth changing for worth doing the work
for and all it takes is the desire to
find that moment to take that first step
in word and that first step does not
have to be something grandiose it could
be something as simple as reading a book
like outwitting the devil by Napoleon
Hill which has changed my life many
times over it could be like going on a
men’s retreat such as the mankind
project which has been around for
decades and is available globally I went
on that retreat and it changed my life
and it could be joining a men’s group
which are popping up all over the United
States I’ve been a part of one for the
past year every Monday night I get
together with seven other men and for
two hours we do the inner work and
without these men I wouldn’t be here on
the stage that’s where I found my voice
one of the men in our group just closed
a deal with Elon Musk if you want to
talk about playing bigger games and the
reason why those accomplishments are so
sweet is because we’ve done the inner
work and it’s in alignment with who we
want to be what we want to make of this
life and what we want to leave behind I
would like to take a moment to speak
specifically to the women the
responsibility for creating that missing
moment to turn inward is not on your
shoulders it is on ours as men and you
have a remarkable ability to influence
the men in your life so if you feel
called I invite you to call the men
afford to take that first step on the
inner journey Henry David Thoreau once
said it is easier to sail many thousands
of miles through cold and storm and
cannibals than it is to explore the
private sea the Atlantic and Pacific
oceans of one’s being alone there are
many moments along a man’s inner journey
that he must go at alone but that first
moment does not need to be one of them
let’s create that moment together thank
you [Applause]
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