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Teaching as Storyholding: a Lesson in Selfhood | Sarah Brown-Wessling | TEDxDrakeU


I’m a teacher I’m a high school English
teacher I’ve been teaching for 19 years
and as a teacher I do the things that
you would probably expect a teacher
doesn’t write I plant lessons I think
about my kids stay up late I grate tons
and tons of papers but I also do things
that you might not know teachers do like
get up in the middle of the night and
worry about my students or remember all
of their birthdays or do the work of
teaching in the places that you might
that you might not expect it right I
teach in the margins of their papers I
teach in the hallways in between classes
I teach in the emails that they send me
when they don’t quite understand their
grade right in 2010 a group of my former
students secretly got together and did
this thing they nominated me for this
award that for whatever reason came to
fruition and so in 2010 I was named the
National Teacher of the Year which meant
I got to do some pretty cool things
right like I got to go to the White
House I got to give President Obama hug
which I thought was pretty wonderful I
got to give a speech in the Rose Garden
I got to take my babies with me all of
these things right which is you know it
was was an amazing experience but I have
to tell you there’s more to it than that
during this year when I was plucked out
of my classroom and spent the whole year
traveling around the country and the
world being an ambassador for education
never once did I feel like I was the
Bass’s never once did I feel like I had
won anything or I was a queen of some
pageant I always felt a lot more like a
poet like my job was to have the right
words at the right time all the time but
of course there would be times when I
couldn’t
I remember this one afternoon it was
early in the year and I was at a
conference in this kind of distant
colleague of mine came up to me and he
kind of said in these hushed tones he’s
been Sara I just got to tell ya I don’t
know what happens for you after this
like what happens now you’re at the top
like what are you just gonna fall off
like what you know what what happens
after this what he didn’t understand
what a lot of times we don’t understand
about stories is that was the surface
story that wasn’t the real story I’m
here today to tell you the real story
that starts a little similar to the
first one I am a high school English
teacher I’ve been teaching high school
for 19 years but really I missed a story
holder I collect them I take care of
them and people tell me their stories
the the kid in my classes adults
children and more often than you would
expect complete strangers tell me their
stories story holding is an interesting
business because if you want to be a
story holder there are some things that
you have to be willing to do the first
thing is that you have to be willing to
hold it the second thing is that you
have to forgo judgment there’s no
judgment when you hold people’s stories
and you have to be willing to see what’s
underneath but more importantly than
anything when you are a story holder you
have to change the question you ask
instead of asking what did he do but you
have to look at somebody and look them
in the eye and really mean it when you
say how are you
really how are you that’s what it means
to be
I’m gonna ask you to hold my story
for the next 15 minutes or so but like
any good teacher I’m gonna give you some
reasons why first or I haven’t tell you
why we’re gonna do this so I am sure
that you all if I asked you think of
that teacher right you have if I just
say that teacher the the face pops into
your head
right you can see this person the the
one who is transformed it for you the
one that made this huge difference for
you one of those for me is pudding right
here I’m sure just as quickly you can
imagine the other teacher right the
other one the other side of that
spectrum I will tell you for all of the
research that I could excite and the
examples that I can give you I think we
really end up with two kinds of teachers
we end up with the kinds of teachers who
want to give you answers and tell you
how to do things and the kind who really
want to teach and ask questions today I
want to tell you a few things but more
than that I’m gonna ask you some
questions and how do we do this I want
you to do what I do for my students when
I hold their stories which is also work
on reading my own you also need to be
able to hold this story today because
teaching is unique teaching is
humanity’s profession which means you
will inevitably be on either side of
teaching you will be taught and you will
teach right you might need a doctor
someday but you won’t necessarily be one
you will probably need art in your life
but you won’t necessarily be an artist
we’re all probably going to need a
mechanic
anyone but everybody teaches whether you
mean to or not whether you realize it or
not you can teach kindness or
intolerance in the grocery store wine
you can teach compassion or frustration
at the dinner table everybody teaches
which is not to say everybody does the
complex deliberate work of teaching
professionals right because this is
really complex deliver at work I have
money give you a little secret about it
you want to know the hardest part about
it is maybe the most important part
it’s the absorption teachers absorb they
absorb learning stories it’s why Tyler
loves to read an original doesn’t it’s
why Katie can write for days and Alyssa
can hardly get a single word out right
that’s that’s what teachers do they
absorb all of those things so I have to
tell you that as a teacher I had been
conditioned to look for the smallest of
things right so we’re gonna go back to
high school English right I have been
conditioned to look for the difference
between like the common the semicolon
why would the poet use the comment and
not the semicolon right or you know why
you know why these ducks on this pond in
this chapter of this you know of this
book I would look at the smallest of
things and let me tell you my students
and I we did some beautiful work when we
looked at really small things we really
did but the problem with looking at
small things is that it precludes you
from the most important questions right
I wasn’t able to ask the most important
questions
and what I found out was I couldn’t ask
those questions because I was too small
outside of my classroom I felt whole in
my classroom but outside of it it felt
like this small little circle had been
drawn around me and for some reason I
obeyed it so 2010 happens right this
year happens and then I returned to my
classroom and let me tell you about my
classroom it is where not a day is
predictable except the first day right
because on the first day I always know
what happens they come in I take
attendance you push the deaths to the
side we stood in a circle on the floor I
turn off the lights a little bit i light
a candle they look at me they get a
little freaked out I tell them it’s
gonna be okay I hand them a copy of
Plato’s allegory of the cave and I give
them one question can you tell me by the
end of today what this class is all
about when we sit there and we read and
we talk I don’t give them a syllabus I
don’t tell them about the rules
I let them think so I’m doing this right
so here today’s august 15th 2011 the day
that’s supposed to be really predictable
i’ve done this ten times twelve times i
don’t know all of a sudden I’m reading
this aspect you may be still a review of
a thing if you don’t know about Plato’s
out this would be important if you don’t
know about Plato’s allegory of the cave
it’s this wonderful metaphor about these
people who live in spite of this cave
there were these prisoners who’ve been
chained in there their entire lives all
these thing are these shadows across the
wall on the other side but they think
they’re real because they’ve never seen
anything but shadows until eventually
one of the prisoners is released goes
into the lights that hey those are
shadows this is light this is the real
thing out here comes back in they don’t
want to believe them right and all
pain and agony ensues so I’m reading
this and the words start to get caught
in my throat a little bit and I can’t I
can kind of barely get through it so I
do I get the kids out the door
I’d go to my desk in the back corner of
the room they turn out the light and I
stood there and I saw him because I
realized this story was turning on me
this FA was my story suddenly I had been
in a cave and then I was out of it and
now I was back in it and somehow that
afternoon I knew that I was going to
lose some of my best colleague friends I
knew that the toughest work was ahead of
me on some visceral level I knew that
there was a good chance my marriage was
not going to make it and I did what any
resistant learner does I wiped the tears
off my face I put a smile on instead and
went home
I made dinner I put my babies to bed
I planned a lesson for the next day and
I carried on here’s the thing this
didn’t happen to me just once right
this kept happening to me over and over
again and this question that teachers
have to wrestle with but rarely talk
about started appearing for me what
happens when we are supposed to be
superheroes but we really just feel
superhuman how do you teach in that
moment how do you teach when your life’s
work is to give and you are suddenly
empty
I found that it was the literature that
somehow gave me these answers by asking
really good questions right so literally
it’s like tea bag with them right that
the lessons we most need to learn keep
showing up for us over and over again
until we’re willing to learn them and
that’s what happened so just I don’t
know so this happened in August right so
then just a couple months later we’re
reading this poem it’s called the love
song of jail for prufrock which sounds
lovely but there was really no love song
at all it’s horribly ironic and its
really this horribly sad depressing poem
about this businessman who’s really
lonely and he kind of trades his
authentic real life for this life of
security and so as we are reading this
poem there’s a line that we always go
back to we just thought we’d always
unpack it and figure out how it
connected to all the small things do I
force the moment to its crisis do I
force the moment we said this we talked
about it and as I’m saying it I realized
Prufrock is talking to me he’s saying to
me do you have the strength to force the
moment to its crisis because really what
this question is about is this question
is about space courage and crisis is
about spaces it’s about the space from
anywhere you are to anywhere you want to
be it’s the space between security and
possibility and this is where teachers
live teachers live in gaps and cracked
faces and fear because if we live in
spaces of right and wrong it’s very easy
to get stuck in either one of those
boxes there’s no reason to struggle
there’s no reason to cross the swamp we
don’t learn if we’re comfortable we
don’t change unless we have to
so I made a promise to it to jail for
prufrock I said okay I will pay
attention I’m not going to do anything
about this but I will start to pay
attention so I did speed ahead several
months later and with my sophomores were
reading this wonderful book called The
Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and it begins
with this beautiful premise that we all
have a personal legend and the people
who truly love us want it for us and you
know it’s this wonderful idea that if we
really love someone we let them go we
let them go to go answer their biggest
questions all on their own but here’s
the thing about jail for Prufrock he
also has this premise this really
heartbreaking premise that excuse me
Paulo Coelho has this really
heartbreaking premise that when people
get really close to what he calls a
personal legend they don’t take it they
can see it they can feel it they can
touch it
they can hear it and they don’t take it
and it’s because they don’t think they
deserve it I read this paragraph over
and over again I read that question do
you believe you deserve it you believe
you deserve it do you believe you
deserve it
you believe you deserve it do you
believe you did there it until it
finally became do you believe you
deserve your best life that was the
question he asked nine months later
we’re reading and well this is why it’s
a really tough question to ask right
it’s a really tough question to ask if
you deserve your best life when you have
three children and a mortgage and a name
and an image and what seems like
everything to lose nine months later I
had to put my scared toes on the ledge
right put on the ledge of my marriage in
you know what I did at that moment you
know I called from a bathroom stall I
called a teacher I relied on the teacher
and from her hospital bed this is what
she said to me she said you can do what
you must as loud as that question was in
my head do you deserve your best life
her answer was right there you can do
what you must we read The Glass
Menagerie this wonderful play about
these three characters who are stuck in
this horrible situation a mother stuck
in the past a daughter paralyzed by her
fear a son who’s got to get out the end
of the play dastan finally leaves he
leaves the family I’m sitting in class
for having this conversation or having
the discussion we usually have and
Olivia slams her hand down on the
on her desk and says who does this Tom
think he is what does he think he’s
doing how selfish could somebody
possibly be and in this moment I’ve got
one I have one of these teacher moments
right because I also have had to ask
myself these questions the kids don’t
know this is going on in my personal
life but I know that I have had to
confront the same things that Tom had to
confront and in doing that I really had
to ask a different question I had I got
to do what teachers get to do when you
start to earn empathy I got to ask a
better question I asked Olivia I said
well what if Tom was actually saving all
of them by leaving is it better
would it wouldn’t I wouldn’t it have
been better or easier to just stay and
live a half life we had a discussion at
the class that didn’t reduce characters
and didn’t and didn’t talk about
judgment instead we opened up to the
possibility almost a year later I’m
reading The Great Gatsby with my kids so
I got this thing I don’t know do you
have the thing with your family where
you can say mean things about your
family but nobody else can all right so
I kind of have that Penguin Books and
Great Gatsby was one of those books for
me right where I was a little a lot
tough on The Great Gatsby Daisy was
pretty pretty wisps be Nick was pretty
entitled and whiny Gatsby was just
really melodramatic but these were the
ones that seemed to come after me the
most so we are reading The Great Gatsby
and I have this new approach though
right I have this new approach because
this has been happening over it’s been
like champagne in my face every day you
know like all these things what we’re
reading or just like splashing me in the
face and so we’re we didn’t have to be
and I and I think what is this book
really about I think it’s about
narrative what happens if we can
read the stories that we have in front
of us so that’s actually what I did I
took a copy of The Great Gatsby and I
took the words and I tried to reread
them I turned Great Gatsby into a
collection of found poems and when I got
to the last page I knew this was going
to be a hard page for me before I
started I got to this paragraph that’s
we believed in the green light the
orgastic future that year by year
recedes before us it diluted us then but
that’s no matter
tomorrow we will run faster stretch out
our arms farther and one fine morning so
we beat on boats against the current
towards ceaselessly back into the past I
didn’t know how to reconcile the past in
the future I took to this last page to
do it and this is what I came up with
and as the moon rose higher the
inessential began to melt away until I
became aware of presence and believed it
there are some lessons I needed to learn
the universe is not outside us it is
within us it is wide
we must see the thing we fear it is why
we need stories so that we do not get
caught in the vortex of our own the
lesson I didn’t want to learn was that I
had to crawl out of my cave to get
closer to the teacher my students
deserve they did not deserve a National
Teacher of the Year they deserved a
teacher who understood but the best way
to teach humans is to be one I tell them
that stories and literature should
change them
and I think that they should when we
look at the smallness and can get time
with that suddenly we can see the
vastness
when we hold stories in the end we teach
wisdom thank you for holding mine I hope
he will risk letting someone hold yours
so that others may
[Applause]
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