what do you love I’m not talking ice
cream I’m talking what are the big
complicated loves in your life I’ve got
at least three I love the ocean
in fact I grew up on Vancouver Island
and what makes my love of the ocean
complicated is that I have chosen to
live my entire adult life in Winnipeg
which is about as far as you can get
from any of the coasts I love my job as
a conflict mediator and facilitator and
I gotta tell you people and their
problems can get pretty complicated and
I love my family and like all of our
families mine is a little complicated
one of us is on the autism spectrum way
deep on that spectrum another one
Parkinson’s one was only informally
adopted into our family at age 24 to our
trans most of us are dealing with some
level of PTSD and the dog well the dog
was in a service training program for
people with autism but failed his final
exam
so he’s just a big silly pet for us
swimming sideways to break the grip of
the rip is a strategy that I have used
with all of the three big loves in my
life it can literally save your life
help you manage to change and develop
relational resilience let’s start with
saving your life anyone ever see this
warning sign before this is keep the
ocean out of my beverage sign more
seriously it’s a sign for water rescue
the number one reason why people die
when they’re playing in the ocean is not
shark attack the number one reason
people die is that they get caught in
what’s called a rip current and drown
now for those of you who are not aware
what a rip current is it’s a flow of
water when the waves wash up onto the
shore they’re so beautiful
nice big even rollers but what you can’t
see is how that wave recedes back into
the ocean under the incoming waves most
beaches aren’t perfectly level there
might be sandbars or coral reefs or some
other underwater obstacle that prevents
the water from flowing back in evenly
which then creates what’s called a side
chore or longshore current and then the
gaps in the sandbar in the channels
that’s where the bulk of the water
gushes back out into the ocean that is
called the rip now the reason why people
die is that they get moved along the
coast until they hit the RIP and then
they get sucked out to sea and they turn
around in a panic and try to swim
directly back to shore you won’t win
this battle swimming against the RIP is
like swimming against a river during
flood it will exhaust you the waves
crashing over your head will further
your panic and you run the risk of
swallowing some water and drowning
better beaches will have warning signs
that warn you about this when my kids
were little we didn’t have the signs we
had a wonderful day on the coast playing
in the surf and we got moved down the
coast until the RIP got us now I was
only waist-deep in the water so I could
hold my ground but my children they were
off and I had to take two giant daddy
stuff
grab them by the scruff of their
wetsuits and pull them out of the
current so when you’re on vacation if
you see signs like this pay attention to
them because they warn you of the
dangers of rip currents and give the
advice that if you get caught in a rip
current don’t panic swim sideways just
get out of the current I believe there’s
a number of metaphorical rip currents
that exist in our life change is one of
them as an organizational consultant
I’ve seen lots of employees completely
overwhelmed by change it is as if they
are drowning waves of create of change
are crashing on their heads and they’re
starting to panic as it gets swept out
into deep water their leaders sometimes
become frustrated with them and instruct
them to embrace change I think this is
Kyle expanding on the breach and telling
someone stuck in the current to swim
back to shore against the current what I
think is more helpful is to help those
employees find a way to swim sideways to
get out of the overwhelmingness of the
change in the moment to find some
stability to find their feet to regain
their confidence who knows with that
assistance they might even learn how to
enjoy playing in the waves let me make
this practical for you this is my house
here in Winnipeg in 2010 my youngest
came home from school with a stack of
drawings given his place on the autism
spectrum when I say a stack of drawings
I’m talking a stack of drawings and he
proceeded to plaster the basement with
his art that was a day that his art
project went horribly wrong and we had a
massive house fire it was a day where we
were liberated from all of her personal
possessions where everything that was
once organized and labeled was destroyed
I had a passerby er who commented and
while I was standing on the sidewalk
watching the house burn he said oh
you’re lucky you’re gonna get a new
house gotta tell you I wasn’t feeling
quite so fortunate
what was helpful was a firefighter who
also found me on that sidewalk and he
leaned in and said David what you’re
gonna do tonight he’s gonna take your
wife and your children and your dog
don’t worry about the dog we’ve already
called ahead and he named the local
hotel for us to go to then he leaned in
a second time and said on your way to
the hotel you might want to stop and get
a toothbrush and toothpaste maybe a
couple other toiletries good advice he
actually leaned in a third time and said
oh yeah you might also want to get it
change of clothes for tomorrow morning
like we’re talking such practical wisdom
it’s like he grabbed us by the scruff of
our necks and pulled us out of this
overwhelming current and ensured that we
had a place to sleep
they’ve had a toothbrush and a fresh
change of clothes for the morning that
was helpful now I’ve got to tell you
when you swim sideways to a hotel and
you live in there with your kids and
your dog for six weeks the novelty of
the all-you-can-eat family buffet kind
of wears off and at that moment you
start to suffocate and you need some
change well given the rental market at
the time there really weren’t options
for us so we did this radical risky
thing and we bought a little house in
our neighborhood massive change which
very quickly became the source of
stability in our life it was where we
were able to catch our breath and start
figuring out what do we do what do we do
with the burnt house do we walk away do
we knock it down and build fresh or do
we keep what we can keep and if so how
do we rebuild that sanctuary gave us a
stability that we needed to be able to
make some important decisions and then
get on with the work so if you find
yourself being swept away by change I
encourage you to find a way to swim
sideways find some stability in the
moment find your feet catch your breath
so you can discern get your bearings
make some decisions and keep on changing
who knows you might even get to learn to
enjoy being in the surf like to end with
look
at this idea of relational resilience
and the currents that can sweep us away
with each other as a mediator I’ve
learned that it is seldom our weaknesses
that get us into trouble more often it’s
actually our strengths it’s what we’re
good at that at times can overwhelm each
other or even drown ourselves there’s
lots of different ways and making sense
of personal assimilators and differences
i like these four basic archetypes
there’s the calm blue analytical
thinking style the red passionate
inspirational envisionit style the
yellow warm relational field style and
the green intense practical do-it style
and the theory is we’re a mix of all
four of course but most of us have one
or two or three styles are a little a
bit stronger that are kinda like our
mother tongue and one or two that we
have less faculty with I have a fair bit
of relational strength it’s really
helped me build my business I can be
flexible accommodate to my client’s
needs that makes them happy that works
however I can sometimes say yes to way
too many things and become completely
overwhelmed which my flexibility then is
experienced by my clients as being maybe
a little unreliable or inconsistent not
a good thing when I was first introduced
to this idea of your strengths becoming
excessive I thought oh it’s kind of like
a stereo dial right you turn up the
volume to the point where that wonderful
song you just want to turn it down or
turn it off well then I got married and
I told the love of my life to be less
sensitive by your response you know how
that conversation worked telling a
person to be less of who they are can be
deeply offensive so if that’s not a
helpful metaphor let’s go back to the
beach when I am overwhelmed I’m being
swept out in the relational current
swimming back to being less flexible is
like fighting the current what I found
works for me most of the time is I need
to swim sideways and get super practical
I need to figure out what am I gonna do
in the next 45 minutes make
to do list and get to work then the
phone rings and have some client in
distress and have to drop everything and
go to a relational space and listen and
be compassionate but when the calls done
I’m back to my to-do list and I’m more
grounded and centered and less
overwhelmed when I was doing my graduate
studies my brother sent me a poster in
the mail and the poster said the goal of
a thesis is to finish because he knew I
was getting lost in the current of
analysis paralysis I had entered into an
impulsive literature review and he gave
me the sage wisdom of swim sideways
buddy just hand in a draft those of us
who are passionate who got a lot of
inspirational energy sometimes we can
develop ideas that are so complex and
fantastical that they’re inaccessible to
other people and those times we need to
swim sideways and figure out what’s one
thing we can do that’s within budget or
with our passion of how we want to make
the world a better place we can become
so intense and furious that we need to
swim sideways to the relational quadrant
and remember that those closest to us
are actually our friends and allies not
the enemy a leadership team I worked
with one of the leaders told me that in
a meeting the CEO the company was
getting swept away in the practical
quadrant we’re starting to dominate and
oppress the senior management team but
then caught himself mid meeting in front
of the whole senior management team the
CEO said you know what folks I need to
swim sideways let’s do a round I would
like to hear what the rest of you think
one move of self-regulation you know how
much credibility and trust that earned
him in that moment now this is not about
fundamentally changing your personality
this is just learning how to manage your
personality learning that when you go in
to access find a way of managing that go
sideways find another style to show up
in for a few moments a doctor I worked
with she was awesome who wouldn’t want
to have a doctor that’s analytical and
passionate about their work and yet she
at times could be so intense that
damaged relationships most of the people
on the team thought she would never
change
in the final group session in front of
the team as we were doing our closing
round she said you know what I know the
saying that a zebra can’t change its
stripes what you need to know about me
is I’m committed to being a better zebra
she got it that this is not about
fundamental personality change but this
is about self awareness and self
regulation that when you get caught up
in your own personal strengths in that
current find a way to swim sideways so
let’s go back to the beach I think for
both are the literal and the
metaphorical currents in her life these
signs have some wisdom don’t fight the
current swim out of it and if you can’t
escape relax it’s not gonna pull you
that far off shore and then work your
way back into the coast and if you need
help raise your hand and ask for help
and to prevent yourself getting caught
in a rip current learn how to swim
develop your personal skills to navigate
the big complicated loves in your life
and don’t go it alone build your
relationship network and if in doubt
don’t go out know your limits and be
careful of what you dive into so bottom
line whether it is about saving your
life managing change or developing
resilient relationships if you find
yourself caught in the current
don’t panic say it with me swim sideways
thank you [Applause]
cream I’m talking what are the big
complicated loves in your life I’ve got
at least three I love the ocean
in fact I grew up on Vancouver Island
and what makes my love of the ocean
complicated is that I have chosen to
live my entire adult life in Winnipeg
which is about as far as you can get
from any of the coasts I love my job as
a conflict mediator and facilitator and
I gotta tell you people and their
problems can get pretty complicated and
I love my family and like all of our
families mine is a little complicated
one of us is on the autism spectrum way
deep on that spectrum another one
Parkinson’s one was only informally
adopted into our family at age 24 to our
trans most of us are dealing with some
level of PTSD and the dog well the dog
was in a service training program for
people with autism but failed his final
exam
so he’s just a big silly pet for us
swimming sideways to break the grip of
the rip is a strategy that I have used
with all of the three big loves in my
life it can literally save your life
help you manage to change and develop
relational resilience let’s start with
saving your life anyone ever see this
warning sign before this is keep the
ocean out of my beverage sign more
seriously it’s a sign for water rescue
the number one reason why people die
when they’re playing in the ocean is not
shark attack the number one reason
people die is that they get caught in
what’s called a rip current and drown
now for those of you who are not aware
what a rip current is it’s a flow of
water when the waves wash up onto the
shore they’re so beautiful
nice big even rollers but what you can’t
see is how that wave recedes back into
the ocean under the incoming waves most
beaches aren’t perfectly level there
might be sandbars or coral reefs or some
other underwater obstacle that prevents
the water from flowing back in evenly
which then creates what’s called a side
chore or longshore current and then the
gaps in the sandbar in the channels
that’s where the bulk of the water
gushes back out into the ocean that is
called the rip now the reason why people
die is that they get moved along the
coast until they hit the RIP and then
they get sucked out to sea and they turn
around in a panic and try to swim
directly back to shore you won’t win
this battle swimming against the RIP is
like swimming against a river during
flood it will exhaust you the waves
crashing over your head will further
your panic and you run the risk of
swallowing some water and drowning
better beaches will have warning signs
that warn you about this when my kids
were little we didn’t have the signs we
had a wonderful day on the coast playing
in the surf and we got moved down the
coast until the RIP got us now I was
only waist-deep in the water so I could
hold my ground but my children they were
off and I had to take two giant daddy
stuff
grab them by the scruff of their
wetsuits and pull them out of the
current so when you’re on vacation if
you see signs like this pay attention to
them because they warn you of the
dangers of rip currents and give the
advice that if you get caught in a rip
current don’t panic swim sideways just
get out of the current I believe there’s
a number of metaphorical rip currents
that exist in our life change is one of
them as an organizational consultant
I’ve seen lots of employees completely
overwhelmed by change it is as if they
are drowning waves of create of change
are crashing on their heads and they’re
starting to panic as it gets swept out
into deep water their leaders sometimes
become frustrated with them and instruct
them to embrace change I think this is
Kyle expanding on the breach and telling
someone stuck in the current to swim
back to shore against the current what I
think is more helpful is to help those
employees find a way to swim sideways to
get out of the overwhelmingness of the
change in the moment to find some
stability to find their feet to regain
their confidence who knows with that
assistance they might even learn how to
enjoy playing in the waves let me make
this practical for you this is my house
here in Winnipeg in 2010 my youngest
came home from school with a stack of
drawings given his place on the autism
spectrum when I say a stack of drawings
I’m talking a stack of drawings and he
proceeded to plaster the basement with
his art that was a day that his art
project went horribly wrong and we had a
massive house fire it was a day where we
were liberated from all of her personal
possessions where everything that was
once organized and labeled was destroyed
I had a passerby er who commented and
while I was standing on the sidewalk
watching the house burn he said oh
you’re lucky you’re gonna get a new
house gotta tell you I wasn’t feeling
quite so fortunate
what was helpful was a firefighter who
also found me on that sidewalk and he
leaned in and said David what you’re
gonna do tonight he’s gonna take your
wife and your children and your dog
don’t worry about the dog we’ve already
called ahead and he named the local
hotel for us to go to then he leaned in
a second time and said on your way to
the hotel you might want to stop and get
a toothbrush and toothpaste maybe a
couple other toiletries good advice he
actually leaned in a third time and said
oh yeah you might also want to get it
change of clothes for tomorrow morning
like we’re talking such practical wisdom
it’s like he grabbed us by the scruff of
our necks and pulled us out of this
overwhelming current and ensured that we
had a place to sleep
they’ve had a toothbrush and a fresh
change of clothes for the morning that
was helpful now I’ve got to tell you
when you swim sideways to a hotel and
you live in there with your kids and
your dog for six weeks the novelty of
the all-you-can-eat family buffet kind
of wears off and at that moment you
start to suffocate and you need some
change well given the rental market at
the time there really weren’t options
for us so we did this radical risky
thing and we bought a little house in
our neighborhood massive change which
very quickly became the source of
stability in our life it was where we
were able to catch our breath and start
figuring out what do we do what do we do
with the burnt house do we walk away do
we knock it down and build fresh or do
we keep what we can keep and if so how
do we rebuild that sanctuary gave us a
stability that we needed to be able to
make some important decisions and then
get on with the work so if you find
yourself being swept away by change I
encourage you to find a way to swim
sideways find some stability in the
moment find your feet catch your breath
so you can discern get your bearings
make some decisions and keep on changing
who knows you might even get to learn to
enjoy being in the surf like to end with
look
at this idea of relational resilience
and the currents that can sweep us away
with each other as a mediator I’ve
learned that it is seldom our weaknesses
that get us into trouble more often it’s
actually our strengths it’s what we’re
good at that at times can overwhelm each
other or even drown ourselves there’s
lots of different ways and making sense
of personal assimilators and differences
i like these four basic archetypes
there’s the calm blue analytical
thinking style the red passionate
inspirational envisionit style the
yellow warm relational field style and
the green intense practical do-it style
and the theory is we’re a mix of all
four of course but most of us have one
or two or three styles are a little a
bit stronger that are kinda like our
mother tongue and one or two that we
have less faculty with I have a fair bit
of relational strength it’s really
helped me build my business I can be
flexible accommodate to my client’s
needs that makes them happy that works
however I can sometimes say yes to way
too many things and become completely
overwhelmed which my flexibility then is
experienced by my clients as being maybe
a little unreliable or inconsistent not
a good thing when I was first introduced
to this idea of your strengths becoming
excessive I thought oh it’s kind of like
a stereo dial right you turn up the
volume to the point where that wonderful
song you just want to turn it down or
turn it off well then I got married and
I told the love of my life to be less
sensitive by your response you know how
that conversation worked telling a
person to be less of who they are can be
deeply offensive so if that’s not a
helpful metaphor let’s go back to the
beach when I am overwhelmed I’m being
swept out in the relational current
swimming back to being less flexible is
like fighting the current what I found
works for me most of the time is I need
to swim sideways and get super practical
I need to figure out what am I gonna do
in the next 45 minutes make
to do list and get to work then the
phone rings and have some client in
distress and have to drop everything and
go to a relational space and listen and
be compassionate but when the calls done
I’m back to my to-do list and I’m more
grounded and centered and less
overwhelmed when I was doing my graduate
studies my brother sent me a poster in
the mail and the poster said the goal of
a thesis is to finish because he knew I
was getting lost in the current of
analysis paralysis I had entered into an
impulsive literature review and he gave
me the sage wisdom of swim sideways
buddy just hand in a draft those of us
who are passionate who got a lot of
inspirational energy sometimes we can
develop ideas that are so complex and
fantastical that they’re inaccessible to
other people and those times we need to
swim sideways and figure out what’s one
thing we can do that’s within budget or
with our passion of how we want to make
the world a better place we can become
so intense and furious that we need to
swim sideways to the relational quadrant
and remember that those closest to us
are actually our friends and allies not
the enemy a leadership team I worked
with one of the leaders told me that in
a meeting the CEO the company was
getting swept away in the practical
quadrant we’re starting to dominate and
oppress the senior management team but
then caught himself mid meeting in front
of the whole senior management team the
CEO said you know what folks I need to
swim sideways let’s do a round I would
like to hear what the rest of you think
one move of self-regulation you know how
much credibility and trust that earned
him in that moment now this is not about
fundamentally changing your personality
this is just learning how to manage your
personality learning that when you go in
to access find a way of managing that go
sideways find another style to show up
in for a few moments a doctor I worked
with she was awesome who wouldn’t want
to have a doctor that’s analytical and
passionate about their work and yet she
at times could be so intense that
damaged relationships most of the people
on the team thought she would never
change
in the final group session in front of
the team as we were doing our closing
round she said you know what I know the
saying that a zebra can’t change its
stripes what you need to know about me
is I’m committed to being a better zebra
she got it that this is not about
fundamental personality change but this
is about self awareness and self
regulation that when you get caught up
in your own personal strengths in that
current find a way to swim sideways so
let’s go back to the beach I think for
both are the literal and the
metaphorical currents in her life these
signs have some wisdom don’t fight the
current swim out of it and if you can’t
escape relax it’s not gonna pull you
that far off shore and then work your
way back into the coast and if you need
help raise your hand and ask for help
and to prevent yourself getting caught
in a rip current learn how to swim
develop your personal skills to navigate
the big complicated loves in your life
and don’t go it alone build your
relationship network and if in doubt
don’t go out know your limits and be
careful of what you dive into so bottom
line whether it is about saving your
life managing change or developing
resilient relationships if you find
yourself caught in the current
don’t panic say it with me swim sideways
thank you [Applause]
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